Nieces BF buying her expensive things

[Givemeagrape]

Hi all, my niece has been living with us for a couple of years while studying (she did halls in her first year but then cost and practicality meant her living with us made more sense). She’s 22, just graduating from undergrad about about to do her masters. Shes very very intelligent, very thoughtful but she is definitely also very sensitive.

She has been seeing a guy for 6ish months, he’s 30, seems nice enough. Over the last couple of months he has been buying her increasingly expensive gifts, I don’t know how much has been spent exactly but think expensive watches, jewellery (I know he got her a necklace of £1500 but I don’t know the price for most things), clothes, and he is now having a tanner make her a bag as she said she doesn’t like brand names all over things! For context she currently uses a tote bag she got for free 2 years ago and tells me she told him she doesn’t need nor particularly want any of this stuff but he insists.

He has also taken her to expensive events, she’s not mad about this as these are things she enjoys (such as they went to Monaco for the F1 this weekend and are going to Paris next weekend for the Rolland Garros Final).

I don’t pry but she tends to show me the gifts when she gets home and I gently said gosh he spends a lot. She replied saying she doesn’t know why he does it and she’d be just as happy with a kinder bueno and tennis in the park. I asked if she had told him and she said she had and he apparently said she deserves the best of the best and it makes him happy to get her it. My concern is that he is either trying to make her “look the part” in his circle or he’s going to turn out really toxic and throw lines like “look at all these gifts I’ve gotten you, what do you do for me”.

I may just be a cynic but I have a very bad feeling about this, AIBU?

Have you met him?
Maybe he’s just a really nice guy who loves her, wants to give her the best of everything and spoil her. Sounds like he’s thoughtful (your comments re. him specifically employing a tanner as she’s not into labels) and besotted to me 😊

Mind your own business. She’s 22 not 12. Doubt she gets involved in your personal relationships.

I find extravagant gifts very icky and a bit of a red flag, but he does sound like someone that does all this normally, so it sounds more like just a big difference in lives/lifestyles.

I can understand your concern. It does ring of love bombing. But your niece is an adult, she won't thank you for interfering

Or he could be a nice guy, who just happens to be rich?

Niece seems to be OK with sharing information with her Aunt/OP so I don’t see OP interfering.

All she has said is ‘gosh he spends a lot’.

I too wonder if OP has met the BF.

Trust your gut feeling.

Or perhaps you’re just jealous? Is it really a terrible thing her boyfriend showers her with expensive gifts?

He’s either rich and that’s just what they do in his circle, or she’s not being totally upfront with you and she’s a sugarbaby.

Some people have "gift giving" as a love language. My sister does and she's always bought me really lovely things bless her.

I also had a very close friend who bought me so many gifts. It seemed crazy to me but that was her way of saying "I love you".

Could be this really?
Is he British by the way?

I wouldn’t like it either. My cousin is her age, also just out of undergrad, and the idea of her dating a 30 year old bloke that had spent thousands on her in the space of 6 months would make me incredibly uncomfortable.

The gifts are all well and good until he has expectations she doesn’t meet/doesn’t want to do but she feels beholden because of all of the money he's spent. If she’s actively told him she doesn’t want him to buy her things and he’s doing it regardless then it’s a red flag to me. It suggests he’s more bothered about lavishing gifts on her because of how it makes him feel/look, rather than how it makes her feel. If he cared, he’d be treating her things she valued or wanted…like a tennis date and a bueno picnic, not a bespoke handbag she didn’t ask for. Every gift doesn’t need to be extravagant.

I mean there’s worse things a man could do than buy you expensive gifts and take you to fabulous places.

I’d let her enjoy it and if it lasts and he’s just a nice, rich guy then that’s great, lucky her, and if he turns into an arsehole she can leave him and sell the presents!

She’s 22 going out with a 30 year old. She will like his maturity, his financial situation will be a part of that. I don’t mean that she’s gone out with him to get all this stuff but, for a 22 year old, the sort of disposable income he has is probably a welcome change to her fellow students scrimping to afford a night out at the uni bar (or whatever her fellow 22 year old students do for entertainment). It will show her a different aspect of life - and by the sounds of it a very pleasent one.

He will like her naïveté. His ability to impress her more easily than his peers. And probably her youthful looks.

Which isn’t to say they don’t both also like each other’s sense of humour and values. But the age gap is a trope for a reason.

As the both get older things will even out a bit. Your niece will (hopefully) get her own income and develop her own outlook. Most couples with this sort of age gap grow apart, but not all. It’s a situation she’s going to have to feel her way in for herself. There’s nothing you can reasonably say or do, OP.

We all have to go through our duds before we meet our one (or two, three, whatever). As long as she is not being abused, just let her get on with it. She's young and she thinks she knows what she wants so just let her work out for herself if this is it. Or not.

Sounds like he lives that kind of lifestyle. You wouldn’t spend that type of money on a quick fling unless it was the norm for you in your everyday life.

She’s grown woman. I don’t think any of this is for you to be fretting about. Just let her get on with her life.

I would be very concerned actually because I think it makes it difficult for her to dump him when he has been so generous. How do they get on generally? Does he make her laugh? Is he kind in the things he says? Does he ever criticise her?

And what is she gonna do about it? 😂

"I gently said gosh"

Shes 22. Why dont you directly say what you're actually thinking? Then have an adult discussion.

But if a red flag, usually a rich 30 plus man would conceal his wealth in a new relationship

The age difference is a bit much at her age. When he was 22, she was 14.

I would warn her generally about how such gifts can make you feel a sense of obligation and that no matter how much stuff a man gives you, it doesn’t mean she has to stay with him or fall in line with what he wants.

If he’s got a lot of money (which it sounds like he does) then it might not seem extravagant to him, it’s probably just normal.

I would just explain to her what love bombing is and tell her to look out for it. Tell her there’s no obligation to stay with him just because of the money spent. Definitely try to meet him if you haven’t already.

If she’s very very intelligent let her deal with it.

He could be genuinely wanting to spoil her, he could be an arse. Who knows.