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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nieces BF buying her expensive things

93 replies

Givemeagrape · 29/05/2025 19:46

Hi all, my niece has been living with us for a couple of years while studying (she did halls in her first year but then cost and practicality meant her living with us made more sense). She’s 22, just graduating from undergrad about about to do her masters. Shes very very intelligent, very thoughtful but she is definitely also very sensitive.

She has been seeing a guy for 6ish months, he’s 30, seems nice enough. Over the last couple of months he has been buying her increasingly expensive gifts, I don’t know how much has been spent exactly but think expensive watches, jewellery (I know he got her a necklace of £1500 but I don’t know the price for most things), clothes, and he is now having a tanner make her a bag as she said she doesn’t like brand names all over things! For context she currently uses a tote bag she got for free 2 years ago and tells me she told him she doesn’t need nor particularly want any of this stuff but he insists.

He has also taken her to expensive events, she’s not mad about this as these are things she enjoys (such as they went to Monaco for the F1 this weekend and are going to Paris next weekend for the Rolland Garros Final).

I don’t pry but she tends to show me the gifts when she gets home and I gently said gosh he spends a lot. She replied saying she doesn’t know why he does it and she’d be just as happy with a kinder bueno and tennis in the park. I asked if she had told him and she said she had and he apparently said she deserves the best of the best and it makes him happy to get her it. My concern is that he is either trying to make her “look the part” in his circle or he’s going to turn out really toxic and throw lines like “look at all these gifts I’ve gotten you, what do you do for me”.

I may just be a cynic but I have a very bad feeling about this, AIBU?

OP posts:

BunnyLake · 30/05/2025 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Don’t be disgusting. My dad wasn’t in any way toxic.

BangersAndGnash · 30/05/2025 12:20

The crucial missing info is where does he get his money, can he afford it, is this a normal lifestyle for him and he is just including her in it.

Or what.

Hey Ho another one post wonder with missing info.

Guavafish1 · 30/05/2025 12:25

I think your right to be concerned.

discuss this with her in an open and honest way…. It might be innocent but warn her to leave if he turns nasty/uncomfortable etc she owns him nothing.

UnhappyHobbit · 30/05/2025 13:02

Maray1967 · 30/05/2025 08:54

Yes - when she’s told him she doesn’t want them - and he insists. INSISTS. That’s clear from the OP and it’s a big red flag in my book.

Show quote history

My dad does this to me. I insist that he doesn’t buy me gifts or give me money as I don’t need them but he still does because he wants to. I don’t make a fuss because it makes him happy. Why does everything nice have to be turned into something bad.

Freshstartyear25 · 30/05/2025 13:09

DH loves gifting and he has always been like that since we started dating. We’ve been married for 14 years (together for 18) and he’s not changed. He was not like extremely well off or anything when we first met at uni (so spends was initially from pocket money and then from his job when we got one after graduating before me).
You may be cynical based on your experience but some people can just be genuinely nice.

Verydemure · 30/05/2025 15:37

Freshstartyear25 · 30/05/2025 13:09

I’d agree that people can be big gift givers and not be nasty and manipulative.

but it often stems from insecurity. Not feeling good enough.

or it’s about status and needing to be seen as wealthy or generous.

or with men it’s about being a provider.

or it’s the way they demonstrate love.

but the risk is that it’s usually motivated more about making themselves feel a certain way, not about the person they are giving to.

the problem is it’s difficult to work out if they’re motivated by benign reasons or something more sinister.

it’s why it can be a red flag…surrounded by otherwise good behaviour and it’s just a personality quirk, but if done in context of controlling behaviour ( constant texting, checking up, demanding someone dressed a certain way) then it’s very dodgy

Maray1967 · 30/05/2025 17:33

Verydemure · 30/05/2025 15:37

I’d agree that people can be big gift givers and not be nasty and manipulative.

but it often stems from insecurity. Not feeling good enough.

or it’s about status and needing to be seen as wealthy or generous.

or with men it’s about being a provider.

or it’s the way they demonstrate love.

but the risk is that it’s usually motivated more about making themselves feel a certain way, not about the person they are giving to.

the problem is it’s difficult to work out if they’re motivated by benign reasons or something more sinister.

Show quote history

Yes - I think this is the issue. It might indeed be fine - but it’s a recent relationship not a parent-child one which a previous poster referenced, where the child knows their Dad only has good motives. That is very different in my book to a romantic relationship.

MushMonster · 30/05/2025 17:47

You are cynic, at least you have met him and he clearly gave you the vibe or you know anything further about him that points to the nwed to distrust him.
It could be that he loves her so very much and wants to impress and treat her. And he happens to have money.
If he had no money, he would turn up with flowers, or a bag bought in the local retailer but with no logos on it. And take her to the local car show.
If she likes his personality, he is listening to her, he is available emotionally, their ideas about marriage, children, future are compatible and they get on well, I would not worry. Does she feel he is the one for her?

Vitrolinsanity · 30/05/2025 17:49

I’ve had boyfriends that were minted and boyfriends who were skint. I love a thoughtful gift whether it’s a Cartier watch (minted) or coming home to single lilies in wine bottles all over my flat (skint).

I think he’s realising that the expensive (necklace) doesn’t have the same appeal as the thoughtful (bag).

Could be she’s found a good one, it does still happen.

MumOnBus · 30/05/2025 17:52

Yeah that sounds like he could turn out to be the kind of guy who insists "his woman" doesn't need to work, or even drive, but enjoy life and be waited on, etc just so that he can control her and not let her be independent. I might be wrong, of course. I am guessing you haven't met him, so it's really hard to tell if he's a rich loving guy rather than a rich manipulative person. Even if you meet him, you wouldn't know, I guess.

5128gap · 30/05/2025 17:56

Is your neice concerned? She has after all explicitly told him she'd be happy doing normal things, yet he continues to 'insist' she does these extravagant things. I think my concern would be that given the power imbalance of age plus wealth, he might be pushing a lifestyle on her that she thinks she should appreciate and be grateful for, but which isn't really her. I'd talk to her. Tell her she can tell you to myob if she likes, but you just want to check in to make sure she's OK.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 30/05/2025 17:58

I'd say she is materialistic and enjoying the money being spent on her, then playing it down to you because she knows you won't approve. If she really was uncomfortable with it she would have either broken up with him or refused gifts so he stops this, but she has done neither. Personally I wouldn't like this but that's her choice. As an adult.

Pog166 · 30/05/2025 18:33

I'd be more curious how he's getting hold of the tickets, which money usually cannot buy, than the amount he's spending on them (though two to a final at Roland Garros at commercial rates for a hospitality package would make a £1,500 piece of jewellery look ridiculously cheap).

Christwosheds · 30/05/2025 22:07

Bitchesbelike · 30/05/2025 08:35

We really do infantilise young adults now. 22 is not a child, and there is nothing icky about a 22 year old with a 30 year old.

Agree with this as I have the same gap but DH was the 22 year old. Still together thirty years on.

TheSlantedOwl · 30/05/2025 22:10

It’s too much. I’d be suspicious too. He’s showering her with expensive gifts now and it doesn’t feel a mile away from a controlling older man who is trying to secure her.

YourPurpleGal · 31/05/2025 17:14

There are different forms of intelligence. Although she is academically gifted, she may not be emotionally intelligent.

Have you met the man? Have they spent substantial time with you? If not, why not? I think you would get better insights if you spent time with him.

Have you actively listened with curiosity and genuine interest to her reports of their dates? Asked gently probing questions? Getting answers to these is key to understanding how you can support them both.

Then, you must let go! She is an adult, entitled to her agency and consequences. It is HER life, however, and whoever she chooses.

filka · 31/05/2025 17:41

Bitchesbelike · 30/05/2025 08:35

We really do infantilise young adults now. 22 is not a child, and there is nothing icky about a 22 year old with a 30 year old.

I met my DW when she was 22 and I was...37. 28 years later, still happy together, kids going to uni, oldest now 21

Sassybooklover · 31/05/2025 17:48

A friend of mine had this happen, and she is in her 40's and so is he. He 'loved bombed' her, showered her with expensive gifts, took her away on holidays, spent money on her children and genuinely came across as a nice guy. Sadly, it was all an act, a ploy to draw her in (children and extended family) and he became abusive. Now, I'm not saying this man is an abusive arse, but I am saying you are right to be wary. Yes, he could genuinely adore the ground she walks on, and just wants to spoil her. Only time will tell unfortunately.

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