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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nieces BF buying her expensive things

93 replies

Givemeagrape · 29/05/2025 19:46

Hi all, my niece has been living with us for a couple of years while studying (she did halls in her first year but then cost and practicality meant her living with us made more sense). She’s 22, just graduating from undergrad about about to do her masters. Shes very very intelligent, very thoughtful but she is definitely also very sensitive.

She has been seeing a guy for 6ish months, he’s 30, seems nice enough. Over the last couple of months he has been buying her increasingly expensive gifts, I don’t know how much has been spent exactly but think expensive watches, jewellery (I know he got her a necklace of £1500 but I don’t know the price for most things), clothes, and he is now having a tanner make her a bag as she said she doesn’t like brand names all over things! For context she currently uses a tote bag she got for free 2 years ago and tells me she told him she doesn’t need nor particularly want any of this stuff but he insists.

He has also taken her to expensive events, she’s not mad about this as these are things she enjoys (such as they went to Monaco for the F1 this weekend and are going to Paris next weekend for the Rolland Garros Final).

I don’t pry but she tends to show me the gifts when she gets home and I gently said gosh he spends a lot. She replied saying she doesn’t know why he does it and she’d be just as happy with a kinder bueno and tennis in the park. I asked if she had told him and she said she had and he apparently said she deserves the best of the best and it makes him happy to get her it. My concern is that he is either trying to make her “look the part” in his circle or he’s going to turn out really toxic and throw lines like “look at all these gifts I’ve gotten you, what do you do for me”.

I may just be a cynic but I have a very bad feeling about this, AIBU?

OP posts:
nomas · 30/05/2025 08:09

Tulipsontoast · 30/05/2025 08:07

If she’s very very intelligent let her deal with it.

He could be genuinely wanting to spoil her, he could be an arse. Who knows.

Intelligence doesn’t mean you are necessarily safe.

Loubylie · 30/05/2025 08:14

Has he got a brother who's into older women?

Tiredofwhataboutery · 30/05/2025 08:17

I dated a 33 year old at her age. He lavished me with stuff too. Holidays, nights away in fancy places, theatre trip, expensive watch and jewellery.

He was a lot richer than me earning decent money and I think he liked being a bit of a big shot. He was lots of fun though. I went travelling and we parted on good terms. I still have the Brietling, it’s my favourite watch.

HerNeighbourTotoro · 30/05/2025 08:17

Loubylie · 30/05/2025 08:14

Has he got a brother who's into older women?

Me too, ready to be showered with gifts!

Barbiewhirl · 30/05/2025 08:18

To be honest if a relative made comment to me about the amount of money my partner spent on me id probably say something similar, it doesnt mean shes actually unhappy with it or has spoken to him about it. Without more context its impossible to judge. He could just be rich and doesnt attach any sort of emotional investment or expectation in gifts beyond enjoying giving them, or he could have nefarious intentions.

Twelftytwo · 30/05/2025 08:23

On the face of it I think it's fine but I can see why you'd be uncomfortable about it if it creates a power imbalance, and depending on her personality makes her feel like she owes him or can't end things.!

Renabrook · 30/05/2025 08:25

She is old enough to navigate this herself, but in my head I do wonder will thry get married and she will have to quot her stidoes/job and be a trophy wife?

Again it is up to her, but there is a difference in genuinely having lots of money and liking spending it on things, and having an ulterior motive whatever that is

But if she has asked him not to and he continues he is not listening and doing her thinking for her and seems weird

LynetteScavo · 30/05/2025 08:25

My DD is a teen, so a bit younger, but I would just come out and say what I was thinking. We probably wouldn’t have an “adult conversation” about it, but I would have planted the idea for her to mull over.
I think you’ll have more of an idea if you met him. He's probably just loaded (family money?) and so what if he’s helping her fit in to his world.

Gardendiary · 30/05/2025 08:28

I don’t think being generous is in itself a red flag, an 8 year age gap isn’t obscene either. Is there something else that is concerning you or do you just think he is too good to be true?

Bitchesbelike · 30/05/2025 08:35

We really do infantilise young adults now. 22 is not a child, and there is nothing icky about a 22 year old with a 30 year old.

Middleagedstriker · 30/05/2025 08:36

Does he own his own house? If not it would worry me that he was splashing money on bollocks rather than prioritising that.

CMRE · 30/05/2025 08:37

Depends on the guy, he could be loaded in which case it’s all relative. When I was living in a tiny cramped student house one of my housemates was dating a guy who was very wealthy, I still remember him getting her a Mulberry bag for her birthday, we all fell off the sofa. But he’s lovely, they’ve now been married 15 years.

It’s hard to know without any context. Also, she’s 22 and if she’s happy I really would just leave her be. He could be lovely; he also could be some dickhead sticking everything on a credit card and will ghost her in a few months - just be supportive of her making her own decisions now!

BunnyLake · 30/05/2025 08:38

Shellianotwheels · 29/05/2025 20:34

Mind your own business. She’s 22 not 12. Doubt she gets involved in your personal relationships.

She’s her niece and lives with her so I think it’s ok for her to be a bit concerned, he could be love bombing or asserting his ‘power’ (maybe, maybe not).

My ex would buy me expensive stuff but it did become an issue. If we had a disagreement he would throw back at me a random, “oh but you enjoyed that expensive holiday I paid for didn’t you!”. It was horrible.

cardboardvillage · 30/05/2025 08:41

trust your gut. Gently mention your concerns but dont push it. She will likely see any red flags herself and get out soon enough

MumWifeOther · 30/05/2025 08:47

I think he’s sounds very sweet. The fact he’s getting a non branded but very good quality bag made for her is a lovely gesture and shows he listens to her ans respects her. It’s very normal for men in particular to want to buy expensive gifts and the fact she’s so humble and down to earth, probably makes him like her even more. It could be a lot worse! Leave them to it.

Maray1967 · 30/05/2025 08:54

UnhappyHobbit · 29/05/2025 21:58

Or perhaps you’re just jealous? Is it really a terrible thing her boyfriend showers her with expensive gifts?

Yes - when she’s told him she doesn’t want them - and he insists. INSISTS. That’s clear from the OP and it’s a big red flag in my book.

Hwi · 30/05/2025 08:59

I totally get what you are saying - I am a cynic too. We would not be surprised if a person she dated were bad in every respect, and said 'ah, typical nasty men', but when a guy turns out nice AND SOLVENT - we are worried. This is a sad state of affairs, but sometimes women get lucky breaks and meet lovely AND SOLVENT people. Don't spoil it for your niece - she seems intelligent and not money-grabbing (bueno in the park). Don't spoil it for her.

BunnyLake · 30/05/2025 09:05

Tiedbutchorestodo · 29/05/2025 22:40

I mean there’s worse things a man could do than buy you expensive gifts and take you to fabulous places.

I’d let her enjoy it and if it lasts and he’s just a nice, rich guy then that’s great, lucky her, and if he turns into an arsehole she can leave him and sell the presents!

My ex bought me expensive gifts and took me to expensive places (I could never have afforded them). Our relationship became so toxic (for numerous reasons) and very unequal. I ended up in therapy and suffered stress for years after (we have kids so there will always be a link I can’t permanently sever). Today I would rather be bought a bag of chips by someone nice over an expensive watch by someone pretend nice.

Not saying that’s the case here but flashy presents or big gestures would be a turn off for me now.

StScholastica · 30/05/2025 09:13

Guess only time will tell eh?
It might just be that it's early days, he has disposable income/inherited wealth and wants to show off a bit to her! Like a bower bird.

DH was a bit like this in the early days and the minute we were married he put everything, including his savings into joint names. Over the last 35 years I've managed to reign him in a bit.

Delphigirl · 30/05/2025 09:14

He clearly has money and expensive tastes and spends a lot on himself (f1, Roland Garros). It is not surprising that he spends money on her if he is a generous man and he can easily afford it. I agree with the pp who said his commission of a bag as she doesn’t like labels is sweet and thoughtful. He sounds like a lovely guy. If he turns out not to be a lovely guy, or if the relationship runs its course, no doubt they will part ways. I would stay well out of it, there are no red flags from what you have described.

HairyToity · 30/05/2025 09:18

My advice is don't get involved. Stay out of it, whatever you say will be the wrong advice. I get it, it feels like he's buying her, and he might be the controlling kind. Your gut instincts might be right or wrong. I think people have to take their own path, and experience these things for themselves. You can take a horse to water but can't make it drink.

Digdongdoo · 30/05/2025 09:20

She obviously doesn't mind the gifts. She can play it off as modestly as she likes "I'd be just as happy with a bueno", but she's still accepting them isn't she?
She's plenty old enough to say no to a man she doesn't live with if she really doesn't want nice jewelry, fancy bags or free holidays.
What's stopping her taking him to the park for a bueno if that's what she'd prefer?

DeedlessIndeed · 30/05/2025 09:21

DH's love languages are acts of service and giving gifts. He sounds similar and 10 years on is still the most wonderful man who treats me exceptionally well.
If anything, getting married and having a baby has made him more generous, patient and kind.

I don't know, maybe I feel it's a bit cynical where any generous act is seen as having ulterior motives? Be observant by all means, but the guy hasn't done anything wrong?

curious79 · 30/05/2025 09:21

CapitalAtRisk · 29/05/2025 20:38

Or he could be a nice guy, who just happens to be rich?

This!
Not your business. Definitely not your business to start injecting doubt into things. he’s not hitting her. He’s not forcing her to attend events, he’s not threatening her. He’s not forcing her to change her style in anyway. Any man reading your comment would just think God there’s nothing we can do right

Neemie · 30/05/2025 09:23

If he has a lot of money then it is equivalent of someone on a lower budget taking her out to a fancy restaurant or a weekend away at a hotel in the uk. Very few people would see as worrying. It is only a problem if it is bankrupting him or he is acquiring his money illegally.