Nieces BF buying her expensive things

[Givemeagrape]

Hi all, my niece has been living with us for a couple of years while studying (she did halls in her first year but then cost and practicality meant her living with us made more sense). She’s 22, just graduating from undergrad about about to do her masters. Shes very very intelligent, very thoughtful but she is definitely also very sensitive.

She has been seeing a guy for 6ish months, he’s 30, seems nice enough. Over the last couple of months he has been buying her increasingly expensive gifts, I don’t know how much has been spent exactly but think expensive watches, jewellery (I know he got her a necklace of £1500 but I don’t know the price for most things), clothes, and he is now having a tanner make her a bag as she said she doesn’t like brand names all over things! For context she currently uses a tote bag she got for free 2 years ago and tells me she told him she doesn’t need nor particularly want any of this stuff but he insists.

He has also taken her to expensive events, she’s not mad about this as these are things she enjoys (such as they went to Monaco for the F1 this weekend and are going to Paris next weekend for the Rolland Garros Final).

I don’t pry but she tends to show me the gifts when she gets home and I gently said gosh he spends a lot. She replied saying she doesn’t know why he does it and she’d be just as happy with a kinder bueno and tennis in the park. I asked if she had told him and she said she had and he apparently said she deserves the best of the best and it makes him happy to get her it. My concern is that he is either trying to make her “look the part” in his circle or he’s going to turn out really toxic and throw lines like “look at all these gifts I’ve gotten you, what do you do for me”.

I may just be a cynic but I have a very bad feeling about this, AIBU?

Niece sounds smart and sensible. She isn't dazzled by the expensive gifts so it sounds like if it is love bombing it won't have much of an impact and if he turns out to be a wrongun then she can extricate herself.

He might be a flash Harry twat but on the other hand he might be a nice chap who happens to be wealthy (whether that's family money, high income or both). I'm trying to think of the right way to put this but it's kind of like this: A decent chap who is working but has a student girlfriend he really likes will likely naturally want to treat her. If he's a low earner that might be drinks and cinema. If he's wealthy he will incline more towards high end gifts and days out because those are "normal" treats for someone on his income. He is probably delighted that she is polite but not overly impressed because it means she's enjoying his company and not a gold digger.

I would be much more concerned if he went on his flash days out with his posh friends but took my niece to weatherspoons and insisted they split 50/50!

Someone has suggested he might be blinging her up to fit in with his friends but I think the fact that he's listened to her saying she doesn't like obviously branded handbags so he's having a good quality unbranded one made is really thoughtful. If he was trying to "make" her into something else he would surely have insisted she must have a Chanel bag or whatever.

<Dreams of how nice it would have been if my nice husband had happened to be rich as well ...>

When I first met my lovely husband he bought me nice gifts, not this nice though. Surely it's normal to be a bit more indulgent at the start of a relationship?

I'd only worry if he started to try and change her, I'd still suggest they mix things up with some low key things she enjoys.

Possible also that she feels she has to say to you that she’s not fussed about expensive gifts. It’s hard to say “yeah, I love it, thoroughly enjoying my £1500 necklace”.

Given that you’ve come up with two completely different theories about what’s going on, I suspect this is just something you’re not familiar with. It might be a red flag, it might just be that he’s got lots of money and enjoys buying gifts. I’d try to disengage a bit.

It's normal for people in love to want to give gifts. If he is a high earner then his gifts are going to be more expensive and extravagant than someone on minimum wage.

However, it could also be love bombing or used for emotional manipulation, and being very intelligent academically doesn't mean emotional intelligence.

I think the best you can do is be available to your dn.
If it does go wrong she will need understanding and a shoulder to cry on rather than feeling judged or silly etc

My ex bought me expensive gifts and spoilt me. It was years ago, I remember he bought me a £150 coat in 1995. He did want to marry me but I ended up with DH who bought me a pot plant as a first gift that lasted a decade and he thought was an excellent buy as lasted longer than flowers.

His £500 may be like others spending a fiver.

Well it depends on the 22 year old. She seems a smart young woman but she is a student living with her auntie. Presumably not working and not paying her way in the world. It doesn’t make her a child but she isn’t living as a “proper” adult yet either.

Theres a reason most 30 year old woman wouldn’t touch a 22 year old student not working & living with is auntie, but men are happy to do. & the reasons are “icky”.

Maybe he has a good job and this is small change for him.
He might come from a family where his dad bought his mum expensive gifts and its the norm.
He might be from a loaded set of friends and this is just normal.
He might have sinister intentions, however, I don't think that is necessarily the obvious reasons.
Depending on where and how you grew up, buying expensive bags and jewelry for your girlfriend can just be the normal thing to do
Be might also be terrible with money.
My DH used to buy me expensive stuff when we first got together and also if he got a big bonus would come home drunk and try and give me wads of cash. Which i quickly realised was just him drunk and being stupid, so I used to save it and give it back to him at the end of the month when he had inevitably splashed too much cash then had none left. Hes still terrible with money. Yes, that was a red flag, but his motivations were out of generousity and love, he was just a bit stupid about it. He also used to give homeless people on the street 50 quid at a time, he once gave a beach cleaner 200 quid on holiday. He literally cant hold onto cash so i have to be the sensible one.
This guy your neice is seeing might be doing something similar, spending his last penny as it burns a hole in his pocket.

That was the ages my mum and dad got married (mum being the younger). She was living with her aunt at the time 😁

He could be a nice rich guy. Your niece is completing her Masters so he is supportive of her ambitions, I presume.

Does he spend more than he can afford?
Perhaps he earns a lot from working hard and is not a criminal.
The only thing that is appropriate for you to do is to invite the fellow for a Sunday lunch now and again and invite him in when they are going out. Get to know him; trust your very intelligent niece to choose nice friends.

What does he do for work? Definitely a legit job and this isn’t money laundering?

Time will tell .
But it does sound like he’s doing things he likes to do or what wealthy people expect to do ?
If that makes sense ?
If she says “ oh this is an amazing experience but my choice would be a beach holiday or a city break where we wander places , sight see , eat and drink “ and he then organises that , then he’s definitely considering her choices / likes and dislikes

When he was 22, she was 14

So what? They weren't dating then.

They're grown adults. The infantilising of grown women on this site is so strange.

I think a kindly word about being cautious about love bombing and getting swept up into the relationship sooner than she is ready and then leave it be.

He's 30 and lavishing increasingly expensive gifts on a 22 year old fresh out of uni?

Yeah, I'd be highly suspicious of him, too. The 'men' I knew who behaved like that when I was in my 20 were universally creeps.

My husband did the same thing when we were married. All his money was shared with me! I did the same thing with my money too. Then I realised that if we bought birthday presents, we would technically be buying our own because they were from joint funds. On the strength of that, we decided to have a personal a/c each so that gifts could come out of that. Silly, I know, as it all came from the same place really but it just felt nicer!
We were married for 57 years until his death five years ago, and I can honestly say that we never rowed about money. We had minor spats about other things, of course, but never funds!

Shes an adult. I was married at her age and had ds1 the year after.

Personally I would love a guy to shower me with gifts. Maybe he’s just generous and a provider. Is he from the UK? Men from certain cultures are much more extravagant when dating or relationships.

I did date a guy when I was 20 and he mid thirties. He was very generous but it was clear that he wanted some young arm candy. He once introduced me to his friends as his ‘20 year old girlfriend’. 😫Never met him again after that as I found it an utter turn off. It should be pretty obvious to DN if he is using her as arm candy but to me it just sounds like he’s being generous.

The age difference is a bit much at her age. When he was 22, she was 14.

Completely irrelevant. They are both adults now. When I first met my DH (of 35 years now), he was 39 and I was 28. Which means that when he was 38 I was 17. Should I not have dated him for that reason?

@KimberleyClark , at 28 you were probably a lot more mature than a 22 year old student.

The relationship is in its early stages for him to be buying such expensive gifts. What do you know about him & his work/ lifestyle/ background?

Keep and eye on it and make sure she knows she can tell you anything. If he is a bad egg she need to be able to tell you what’s going on without fear of judgment.

My brother was actually suspicious of my DP at the start because of the same reason, but it turns out he just likes buying people presents. Maybe question her slyly about if he gets gifts for his family/friends? Some people are just gift people, and those people will get good gifts for their parents and others who are close to them. If she’s getting fabulous things while his mother and farther rot in poverty, I would be a bit suspicious.

Some people are just gift people, and those people will get good gifts for their parents and others who are close to them.

One of my extended family members is like this. She's rich (few million) but used to be richer as she has been taken advantage of by partners and supposed friends. She throws her money around & does use it to try and buy people.

That’s what I was thinking. If you’ve got lots of money, you’d want to avoid the gold diggers.

spending this much on someone you’ve known 6 months is odd.

and the gifts are telling. They aren’t what DN actually wants. It’s what HE wants to give her.

though some people seem to have bfs like this. I had a friend years ago whose bf showered her with expensive stuff. We all earned about the same and my eyes watered at the amount he was spending. I’m talking holidays, expensive clothes and jewellery.

he was actually a nice guy but relationship wasn’t healthy

I'd see it as a red flag.

Yes there comes a point where a person wants to spend heaps of money to make themselves feel better or some otherwise thing going on and not about the person they supposedly care about