To feel low in mood today cos of DC having rich friends!

[NotUsually]

Eugh
I hate myself for feeling like this.
It goes against everything I stand for and yet here I am feeling shit about the very situation that I tell others not to feel bad about!
Both my DC have lovely friends. Every single friend lives in a much bigger, grander house than ours.
We live in a tiny semi, 3 bedrooms but the 3rd bedroom is only 9ft x 6ft with the stair box in it so feels even smaller as its got that big dead space in it.
DC are so lucky that they both have lovely kind friends, and that they both receive regular invites round to their houses.
And I make sure to always invite their friends to ours. I facilitate a lot of play dates and sleepovers and always make sure to give them a nice time.
But now my DC and their friends are getting older (9 and 12) I'm starting to feel awkward and uncomfortable about how tiny our house is, in relation to all of theirs.
Our whole house is very, very small.
Kitchen is 7ft x 10 ft. Can't get a table in there. We have no hallway, front door leads straight in to lounge. Tiny garden.
But we live in such a lovely area, it's a village on the edge of an AONB, the schools are lovely and there is a really lovely community here. Basically, we decided this was the area we wanted to bring our DC up in, but we could only buy a tiny house because the house prices here are sky high due to the area. Ours are the smallest houses in the village. At the time, before DC were even born, when we were planning to start a family, we went for location over size, and I stand by it because the location and village itself is providing my DC with a wonderful childhood.
We bought one of the smallest houses in the village. Everyone else that lives in the row of houses the same as ours are retired people. No famies other than us. Our houses are amongst the smallest in the village. We are living in a village of serious wealth. Grand houses. Listed houses. Massively extended houses. Detached houses. Houses with expanses of woods as their back gardens. Even the semis have all been converted to have loft extensions and enormous rear extensions and double story side extensions and have gigantic gardens.
And every single one of their friends lives in these houses.
DC must notice the difference. Of course they must. They don't usually say anything, but last night DD said very coyly that all her friends have gigantic bedrooms compared to hers (she has the weeny box room, only enough room for her bed and 1 single cupboard). She wants a vanity dressing table which all her friends have, but there simply isn't room in her bedroom. It's not a lot to ask for, and I could afford the vanity table, but there's no room.
DS comes home from friends houses and talks about the quad bike he went on in their garden woods, or the pool he swam in in their garden, or the grounds he ran around in at the back of their house, or huge converted loft with ensuite that's been built especially for his friend, fields for gardens, double fronted houses. DD is telling me all about how her best friend is "having her house made twice as big by the builders".
I know anyway, as I'm friends with all the parents.
When DC friends come round, I stand there dying of embarrassment when the mums or dads come round to collect their kids. It's so embarrassing, knowing how huge their homes are. You could pick up the footprint of my whole house and put it in to just their kitchens.
There's no hope of is moving to a bigger house. We do not have the funds. Our mortgage interest rate has doubled this year after our fixed term ended, and we are kicking frantically beneath the surface just to stay afloat financially. Borrowing more money to move or extend is out of the question.
We get invited as a family to other people's garden parties, Sunday lunches, BBQs, fireworks in the garden on bonfire night, etc., where people invite multiple famies round together, and it's lovely for us to be invited, but we can't ever return the invites because we do not have the space, and I do mean literally. I'm feeling very self conscious that they must all be noting that we never invite anyone to ours, and I feel bad about that,cas they're all so friendly and lovely to us.
DH and I both have shitty public service jobs that have had a pay freeze for over a decade.
All these friends parents work in IT, or banking, or they are medical Consultants.
Nobody else has the shit low paying nose to the grindstone professional jobs that we've got stuck with.
We can't retrain, too old (50s), and can't afford the drop in salary to retrain anyway.
What comes in every month goe's straight back out. We budget hard. But COL crisis has hit us hard meaning we've no hope of stepping up the ladder.
No inheritance, parents in social housing with no savings.
I just feel so shit about not being able to provide better and bigger for my DC.
I've tried so hard to better our circumstances for my DC as I came from a single mum with severe MH problems who was on benefits all through my childhood and we lived on the breadline and I had to deal with a lot of neglect.
But my hard work isn't enough. And when DD said last night "I love my bedroom mummy and im not saying I want a bedroom as big as all my friends have but I wish it was bigger so I could have a little vanity dressing table, I'd love that so much...." it stung. Because she can't have one. And I can't provide a bigger room for her.
BTW my DC both have SEN, and both of them are the most lovely, kind, non assuming, calm, happy, gentle, positive, fun, affectionate and truly loving children. I'm absolutely blessed to have them and I support them emotionallyand mentally and practically as hard as I can, I really work hard at being a good mum.
Our home is calm, safe, happy, decorated nicely, I've put my all into making a tiny space nice.
But I'm feeling utterly shit about myself for not providing better for them, compared to all tbeir friends.
And I don't know what to do with these feelings bubbling around inside of my mind and in my chest.

Mine wanted a pony.

no matter how much money you have, children want stuff and sometimes they can’t have it.

the pony was an improvement on the unicorn as at least ponies exist.

it sounds like you have given your children a lovely life. If the worst they can say is that there isn’t space in their bedroom for the current “in” thing you are doing pretty well.

teens in particular can be very materialistic. A loving family and a warm home are much much more important.

I hope you feel better now you've typed that out.

Kids do kind of notice this stuff but if they're nice kids it doesn't have any meaning or weight to it - they are just happy to be able to do x fun activity at friends house, maybe they think 'wow it would be nice to be have a house like that' and then they go straight on enjoying being at home.

I raised ds in a tiny house, it sure was annoying sometimes and ds was blown away by some of the space that his friends had. It has the excellent outcome that his student rooms are the most space he's ever had to himself! He'd also be less likely to live at home in the future which I approve of.

You made the choice to live in that village, it was a good choice and still is. Just be glad you don't gave 4 toilets to clean or requests for a pony.

My dc’s have rich friends and it’s hard sometimes and you feel about it, yanbu to feel down about it, but you have more than most. Just sit with it for a bit and it will pass.

Perhaps talk to your children about how untold millions of other children live in tiny single room shacks with dirt floors and no toilets, and would be terribly envious of your home?

And others would envy the shack dwellers?

This really is a "count your blessings" scenario.

I think these feelings are normal because you love your kids and want the absolute best for them and to give them everything they want.

But you’re doing more than that - you’re giving them everything they NEED. Including perspective on not everything being possible and having to budget for things.

You probably also have things that the other families are jealous of, like more flexibility with your jobs to spend time with your children and watch them grow up which so many high flying career parents miss out on.

Sounds like you’ve raised lovely, kind children and they’re a credit to you so that’s a huge success story and one you need to give yourself commensurate credit for!

OP, you say they have lovely friends and you’re friends with their parents. So it’s not them making you feel inadequate, they clearly don’t care where you live or how much money you have. You’re making yourself feel this way.

Your children sound lovely, you’ve given them a lovely life and a warm, loving home. That’s enough. Some people would dearly love to have what you have, it’s all relative. You’re doing well, honestly. Kids don’t need all the material stuff and ginormous en-suite bedrooms. It’s all superficial.

When da was in a box room he had a high bed with a desk under it (which used to be DD’s) Would that be a possibility? A mirror/ lights around it etc could make it into a dressing table.

Comparison is the thief of joy.
You have 2 lovely kids and a happy home. I'm sure the richies have their own problems and gripes.
There are kids out there who can only dream about what you have.
Don't go looking for problems.

Or is there room to have something like this? I have seen better but this is the one I found on a quick search. https://www.futoncompany.co.uk/shop-by-product/organise/bathroom/oak-tall-mirror-cabinet.html?gdCampaignId=21380417886&gdAdGroupId=164639803418&gdTargetId=pla-296424066445&gdMatchType=&gdNetwork=g&gdDevice=m&gdDeviceModel=&gdGclid=CjwKCAjwi-DBBhA5EiwAXOHsGUtDo5mGAIGQoZerisKOKyVrH0Y9juwwGzhG6c-7zntGWds81_0pJhoCpbIQAvD_BwE&gdCreative=702935824717&gdKeyword=&gdPlacement=&gdLocation=9046121&gdAdType=pla&gdProductId=35799&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=21380417886&gbraid=0AAAAAD_IdsudWgy6a0gdZ2DSkUGYg78VS&gclid=CjwKCAjwi-DBBhA5EiwAXOHsGUtDo5mGAIGQoZerisKOKyVrH0Y9juwwGzhG6c-7zntGWds81_0pJhoCpbIQAvD_BwE

I appreciate none of this fixes the wider problem, which you can’t do anything about and need to make the best of, but it might help?

oh bless you. I don't have anything to say that you don't know already; you know that you should focus on the positives, you know that your kids have a great life compared to many others and you know that a loving home and family is far more important than money. In spite of all that though, I can understand why it's tough sometimes. Unfortunately the only option is to move to a less desirable area and have a bigger house (I wouldn't do that if I was you though).

Our smallest bedroom I think is a similar size, with the stair bulkhead too. We have a built in cupboard on the bulkhead - it gives loads of storage. We could easily fit a dressing table in, could you utilise the space better perhaps? You can get slimline desks/dressing tables .

From a practical perspective, could you get a cabin bed and have a vanity unit underneath?

I've said YANBU because you're human and it's only natural to notice the things around you and see how they differ to your life. (I think) it's ok to have whatever feelings you have.

How can you stop the feelings making you sad? I'm not a therapist but I guess focusing on what you have and the benefits of the choices you made.

Can you and the kids volunteer more in the community to feel even more connected? Can you suggest walks in the AONB with DC and friends, rather than these lovely houses?
Can you fill the time with the kids with fun and love, rather than things?

You sound like a good mum, doing your best. That's more than enough.

Same here. My son has a box room with a high sleeper built over the top of the stair bit which a futon/desk underneath. You sounds very lucky, your children and healthy and happy with lovely friends and you live in a lovely village. There are always people that have more than us, that's life!

I get it.

When my kids were small, my mum friends all had big houses and big holidays and husbands with Big jobs.

When my eldest was about five (in the very early 90s) over a few months, both of my closest mum friends took their kids to US Disney parks.
One morning she and I were walking along the path when she looked up and saw a plane in the sky and said, incredibly wistfully "I wonder if that plane is going to Disneyland?".
And I've never forgotten how bad I felt for her. At that point she'd only been on one holiday in her life, to a caravan in Wales. When it rained the whole week.

Interestingly my friends envied me, because my husband, in his public sector pay freeze job, was home every evening and weekend to help me with the kids and be a hands on dad, while theirs were either commuting and getting home after bedtime, or on business travel abroad.

Ive tried so hard to better our circumstances for my DC
But obviously you have? Surely you can see that your dcs childhood clearly is better than yours?

You're finding your life wanting because you're only comparing yourself to people richer than you. If you lined your family up along all the families in the world, you'd be in the top 10% in terms of income and lifestyle. Even just in the UK, owning a house in a nice area with each child having their own bedroom would place you in the better off half of the population.

If you can't change your circumstances you have to change your mindset to think of how lucky you are compared to most people rather than how unlucky you are compared to a minority.

Just because they have money you have no idea what’s happening behind the scene. How do you know that they are not borrowing have massive mortgages etc to afford the house the extensions the cars the quad bikes etc!? How safe are their jobs? If one goes will they be able to afford to live?

they show the outward signs of money but it can all be smoke and mirrors.

as to your daughter my third room is similar but the bit over the stairs has rails in for a wardrobe can you do that remove the cupboard and put in a small vanity? Mine had a single bed and chest of drawer in with no issues

Your kids are old enough to understand that some people can afford bigger houses and some can’t. When my son used to come saying ‘Jason has these cool (designer) trainers/jacket/whatever’ I’d just say well that’s lucky for him.
I’ve been on both ends of this. Feeling like the poor relation at one school where (for example) one girl had a famous band play at her 16th to being the one with one of the bigger (but not priciest) houses. Did it make any difference to my kids? No.
When my DD moved to a different independent school for Sixth Form and said most of her classmates lived within walking distance I was like wow those houses are £4m and up. Her friends would go on month long cruises or skiing several times a year. Was she jealous of their interior designed houses with underground gyms? Of their frequent holidays? No. She was envious they could spend an extra 45 minutes in bed in the morning!
I have house envy. But I bet others are envious of my (and your) location. That’s the way it is.

Very true.
I’m sure there’s plenty of ‘rich kids’ who’d be far happier in your house with a mother like you.

If it makes you feel better, we’re in a one bedroom flat. So it could be a lot worse. DD’s friends range from normal 3 bed houses to huge 5/6 bedrooms . Somehow, during primary our house was the place to be for the kids despite the lack of space. Sometimes people asked how we coped, I told them I was very good at Tetris as a kid.

Maybe the other kids wish they had such a lovely, cosy house, maybe the parents work lots and the kids wish they saw them more.

It's hard though, isn't it? We're so soaked in a world that prioritises material things but you've given your kids the best in a warm loving home, family and community.

I get it too.

I felt like this when my kids were young. We have an embarrassingly small house and I still cringe a bit, even though my DC left home this year! None of their friends ever minded: it was a fun house, and a chill space.

On the plus side, my DC learnt to socialise with much better off peers and are now attracted to partners who are, frankly, loaded. So I'm hoping they will choose wisely in the long run.... (shallow I know!!!)

You sound like an amazing, loving hardworking mum. Your kids have two parents that love them.

I know it's hard, you didn't have the start in life that the others had. However, it sounds like your neighbours don't judge you nor should they.

We lived in a crumbling apt for yrs that deteriorated rapidly. We were finally able to buy after almost 20 yrs of renting. I would never dream of looking down on my kid's peers who live in an apt nor would I want their hardworking parents to feel bad.

I guess that's different to your situation though as your neighbor's were probably successful from a younger age, and your neighborhood isn't as mixed income as ours.

I don’t really have any advice here, but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

I went to a school where everyone was significantly richer than me. We rented our house, had no money at all - I remember a girl in my class saying it was impossible for a family to live on less than £100k a year, and I used to think how it must be to have parents who had even £500 in the bank. All my friends had pools, enormous detached country houses, houses abroad etc and we were the opposite. I must admit it massively affected my confidence, I had a good group of friends but this drifted later on in secondary school because our lives were just so different.

I don’t think for a moment you should feel guilty or bad, and when your kids are older they will undoubtedly appreciate everything.

my advice would be to boost their confidence in other ways. Yes, having a lovely big house would be nice, but one thing I wish my parents had done is encourage confidence and that this didn’t matter, rather than just sweeping it under the carpet. I would also recommend encouraging some friends outside of school if they don’t have this already

I know,what you are trying to say bit i think it is a bit patronising, well something i can't put much finger on

Maybe those children are happy with their life and and are not envious there seems to be a sector of society who thinks their lives are better than others and everyone should live the same

Op, Maybe stop spending your children's childhood wishing other things and focus on what you do have?