To feel low in mood today cos of DC having rich friends!

[NotUsually]

Eugh
I hate myself for feeling like this.
It goes against everything I stand for and yet here I am feeling shit about the very situation that I tell others not to feel bad about!
Both my DC have lovely friends. Every single friend lives in a much bigger, grander house than ours.
We live in a tiny semi, 3 bedrooms but the 3rd bedroom is only 9ft x 6ft with the stair box in it so feels even smaller as its got that big dead space in it.
DC are so lucky that they both have lovely kind friends, and that they both receive regular invites round to their houses.
And I make sure to always invite their friends to ours. I facilitate a lot of play dates and sleepovers and always make sure to give them a nice time.
But now my DC and their friends are getting older (9 and 12) I'm starting to feel awkward and uncomfortable about how tiny our house is, in relation to all of theirs.
Our whole house is very, very small.
Kitchen is 7ft x 10 ft. Can't get a table in there. We have no hallway, front door leads straight in to lounge. Tiny garden.
But we live in such a lovely area, it's a village on the edge of an AONB, the schools are lovely and there is a really lovely community here. Basically, we decided this was the area we wanted to bring our DC up in, but we could only buy a tiny house because the house prices here are sky high due to the area. Ours are the smallest houses in the village. At the time, before DC were even born, when we were planning to start a family, we went for location over size, and I stand by it because the location and village itself is providing my DC with a wonderful childhood.
We bought one of the smallest houses in the village. Everyone else that lives in the row of houses the same as ours are retired people. No famies other than us. Our houses are amongst the smallest in the village. We are living in a village of serious wealth. Grand houses. Listed houses. Massively extended houses. Detached houses. Houses with expanses of woods as their back gardens. Even the semis have all been converted to have loft extensions and enormous rear extensions and double story side extensions and have gigantic gardens.
And every single one of their friends lives in these houses.
DC must notice the difference. Of course they must. They don't usually say anything, but last night DD said very coyly that all her friends have gigantic bedrooms compared to hers (she has the weeny box room, only enough room for her bed and 1 single cupboard). She wants a vanity dressing table which all her friends have, but there simply isn't room in her bedroom. It's not a lot to ask for, and I could afford the vanity table, but there's no room.
DS comes home from friends houses and talks about the quad bike he went on in their garden woods, or the pool he swam in in their garden, or the grounds he ran around in at the back of their house, or huge converted loft with ensuite that's been built especially for his friend, fields for gardens, double fronted houses. DD is telling me all about how her best friend is "having her house made twice as big by the builders".
I know anyway, as I'm friends with all the parents.
When DC friends come round, I stand there dying of embarrassment when the mums or dads come round to collect their kids. It's so embarrassing, knowing how huge their homes are. You could pick up the footprint of my whole house and put it in to just their kitchens.
There's no hope of is moving to a bigger house. We do not have the funds. Our mortgage interest rate has doubled this year after our fixed term ended, and we are kicking frantically beneath the surface just to stay afloat financially. Borrowing more money to move or extend is out of the question.
We get invited as a family to other people's garden parties, Sunday lunches, BBQs, fireworks in the garden on bonfire night, etc., where people invite multiple famies round together, and it's lovely for us to be invited, but we can't ever return the invites because we do not have the space, and I do mean literally. I'm feeling very self conscious that they must all be noting that we never invite anyone to ours, and I feel bad about that,cas they're all so friendly and lovely to us.
DH and I both have shitty public service jobs that have had a pay freeze for over a decade.
All these friends parents work in IT, or banking, or they are medical Consultants.
Nobody else has the shit low paying nose to the grindstone professional jobs that we've got stuck with.
We can't retrain, too old (50s), and can't afford the drop in salary to retrain anyway.
What comes in every month goe's straight back out. We budget hard. But COL crisis has hit us hard meaning we've no hope of stepping up the ladder.
No inheritance, parents in social housing with no savings.
I just feel so shit about not being able to provide better and bigger for my DC.
I've tried so hard to better our circumstances for my DC as I came from a single mum with severe MH problems who was on benefits all through my childhood and we lived on the breadline and I had to deal with a lot of neglect.
But my hard work isn't enough. And when DD said last night "I love my bedroom mummy and im not saying I want a bedroom as big as all my friends have but I wish it was bigger so I could have a little vanity dressing table, I'd love that so much...." it stung. Because she can't have one. And I can't provide a bigger room for her.
BTW my DC both have SEN, and both of them are the most lovely, kind, non assuming, calm, happy, gentle, positive, fun, affectionate and truly loving children. I'm absolutely blessed to have them and I support them emotionallyand mentally and practically as hard as I can, I really work hard at being a good mum.
Our home is calm, safe, happy, decorated nicely, I've put my all into making a tiny space nice.
But I'm feeling utterly shit about myself for not providing better for them, compared to all tbeir friends.
And I don't know what to do with these feelings bubbling around inside of my mind and in my chest.

We rent, don't have enough bedrooms and are considerably poorly that the majority of our family who all have big jobs and big houses but my son had a friend around yesterday who thought we were rich. Comparison really is the their of joy. If you have healthy children, a roof over your head, you're warm and fed you really are incredibly lucky.

Growing up I had the big house and most of my friends had smaller. It made no difference.
My husband grew up in a 3 bed with two brothers. It was busy and friendly and that’s what counted. The IL’s have stayed in that house with all the memories and have been mortgage free for a while.

As for the vanity could you get a shelf with a mirror above? There are lots of smart ways you can make small bedrooms work for you.

Can you afford to look at having a custom build wardrobe/drawers on the dead space stair box? That's what I'm looking at, could create some extra space for the vanity or a pretty desk, dual purpose. Also the midi bed is a good idea as per another post.

I know that's not a huge thing you were worrying about but just a small idea.

I've voted YABU- but only because you're giving yourself such a hard time. Your kids won't remember how small the house was when they're grown, they'll remember the lovely happy safe childhood you provided them with and the work ethic you instilled in them. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors and you just don't know what their friend's home lives are like- it's very unlikely they all have parents as loving as your children do despite their huge bedrooms and woodland gardens! Give yourself a break, your children sound absolutely lovely and that's all down to you 💐

YANBU. It's tough, and you have every right to feel upset by the ways life has boxed you in. Your parents, the pay freeze, the obstacles to reskilling, your kids being SEN . . . they're all out of your hands, and they've made it more difficult for you to give DC the life you wish you could.

Don't feel shit about yourself for things that aren't your fault.

I didn't read it all, but decided you are being unreasonable, as I never cared two hoots on the size of my friends houses as a kid. It's the person not the house that matters. I would never want to be friends with someone based on how grand their house is, or look down my nose on someone for living in a smaller house.

We grew up in a big house. Huge garden. We also grew up in a house with DA. Most people didn’t know; those that did didn’t say anything (70s child). Don’t judge a book by its cover. Your children have a happy, healthy home life and in years to come, that’s what they’ll thank you for.

Don’t transmit your embarrassment to your children. Let them enjoy playing with their wealthier friends. Continue to be that mother who’s welcoming to your children’s friends ….. I still remember with fondness those parents of my friends who made me feel welcome.

I hear you op. It’s shit living from paycheck to paycheck.
But re the big house small house thing, you are being unreasonable. Kids don’t care. You can have people back to yours, just not everyone at once. Although I grew up in a tiny council house (shared a bedroom- with my mother!- until I left home) we used to have parties where everyone kipped over- was remembered as great fun.
Growing up, my friends lived in a spectrum of house sizes. Our favourite was the scruffiest as her mum loved having us, entertained us, made us dinner and let us watch US tv shows. My other friend had a big swimming pool that was never used, as her mum was so unwelcoming.
Nowadays, we live in a good sized house and I’m no happier. My sister in law is properly well off and very hard done by as her peer group who live in Singapore can afford live in staff and everyone has a better newer kitchen or more skiing holidays.

In the nicest way possible, remember that you chose this. You chose the tiny house in the affluent village. Others would have chosen a 5 bed detached in a crappy run-down town. There’s no right or wrong, but it was a conscious choice. You still seem mostly happy with that choice, so you maybe just need to remind yourself why you are there. The thing that stands out to me is that your children both have lots of friends who include them in plans, and you yourself are invited to lots of lovely social occasions, which presumably you enjoy. You are so so lucky to have that community for your family. I have a large house but I’m very envious of that.

I get it OP. DS goes to school & is friends with some children who live in wealthy families. One in particular has hot tub parties in his massive garden overlooking a beach and they have yachts which they holiday on.

On the odd occasion they have picked DS up,I do have a little thought in my head about what they think of my house, but I try not to let it bother me too much.

I haven't read all the replies, but I'd look at getting a fold up wall mounted dressing table and maybe a cabin bed. With regards to not reciprocating invites, could you arrange a picnic/BBQ in a park or something? That would be just as nice in the summer.

There are a lot of ideas online for clever use of small spaces for fold out things that live in a cupboard and otherwise 'dead' spaces turned into something useful.

That aside - I grew up in the huge house, big garden, tree house, room for a full sized tennis court etc, friends of ours had acres of land, woodland, ponies everywhere...other friends lived in 2 bed terraces or 3bed semis on cul-de-sacs of matching 70s new builds.

The homes I envied as a child were those warm, cosy homes, where there was no tension, no likelyhood of a row breaking out, no chance of someone smacking me across the room or shoving my head under the cold tap to stop me crying. Where dinners were a happy event with food you actually liked, not a traumatic affair to be dreaded all day, where parents were interested in what you'd done that day, and kind if you struggled rather than yelled and hit.

Sure I also wanted a pony or three and a golden retriever and all sorts of 'stuff' (ok mostly animals)... but I wanted to feel secure and loved far far more, and not freeze my arse off in a huge house that was either lonely or scary.

gosh my kids have friends and family that live in £2-£5 mill houses ridiculously rich. None of it will be ours. But I don’t think they mind so much. They’re 10 and 13 we still have play dates I still have mums round for coffees etc - our house is dated and needs re-decorating and it’s full of toys! But hey just take me for what I am!

These families invite you round because they like you. They don’t care where you live, they like you!! Your home sounds lovely and calm and just what your children need.
Whilst they may compare themselves to others, I am sure you give them all you can and they are loved.
How about a mirrored wall for your daughter in her room with some shelving to put some hair bits/makeup on or whatever? Something that looks cool and different but doesn’t take up much space?

I can relate as we have lots of new friends lately who have moved here from London and have bought massive houses and we have a house similar to yours. However, we invite couples over individually.. I try and cook something I know they’ll like, we get the wine they both enjoy and we have a great time!

It isn’t all about money… people like nice kind people! You sound just that :-)

I have rented for most of my DC’s life. I’m finally buying something next year, when I can move back north and afford something, when my youngest finishes school. So i’d be grateful you own your own property. Sure there are people who have more than you, and I get that OP, I really do. I feel incredibly frustrated some days that I work a 50hr week and can’t afford to buy my own property. But I am fortunate, much more fortunate than many people. Having cared for a friend in her final days in the last few months i’ve realised that we all leave this world in the same boat, with nothing. Focus on what you’ve got rather than what you don’t. Your DD’s room can be rearranged, cabin bed, trip to Ikea. I’ll say that no-one knows what goes on behind closed door too.

We used to say to our mother everyone else has X,Y,Z. mum's reply was why do you want to be like everyone else.

There's always people richer and poorer than you. I decided when young.

Your children are loved, cared for and have a roof over their heads and that's all that matters. Many families would give anything to have what you have.
My children have always attracted those type of friends too, the big houses, huge bedrooms, swimming pools etc I think it comes with the terratory living in the countryside and my kids/and I have also been embarrassed by our home at times.

Could you perhaps look at getting your daughter a high sleeper bed? That way she could have her vanity table underneath?

We have 4 children in a 3 bed. At one point we moved into the box room ourselves (as we only slept in our room) so that our kids could have the bigger rooms but as they got older we moved downstairs so the eldest could have more space would something like that be an option

I grew up in a council estate in an affluent rural area. My friends were a mixed bag of fellow council estate tenants and school friends with the girls with ponies, sheep and swimming pools.
I have never made it to wealth myself and the brutal reality of it is, that I never will and it’s possible that your kids won’t either. So how nice is it that your kids can benefit from great experiences with their friends and the wealth of others? I would have never had some of the experiences I had if it wasn’t for the wealth of my friends family. Well done you for moving to a nice area where your kids can experience great things and be inspired by it!
We can’t have it all, we just have to make the best of things. My biggest flex is telling everyone I’ve been on a yacht (aged 6).

We lived in a 3 bed semi with four children, average sort of area with lots of council houses. No sleepovers ever for the 3 elder boys due to the eldest having nocturnal epilepsy plus lack of space. Lost our eldest DS a few years ago, number 2 DS moving out with a good job, now we are living with DS number 3, a student, and DS number 4, a ten-year-old. The first ever sleepover in this house took place a couple of days ago, not impressed, not keen to repeat the experience. Nothing wrong happened, a good boy came along, all was peaceful and lovely, but my DS slept for 15 hours after that. I am just not bothered, I have used all my energy and don't want to meet anyone's expectations apart from my own.
I was very keen for my youngest to get a place in a grammar school- the 11+ results were short of a passing grade. Then entered him into a private school exams - won 2 scholarships but no bursary. So he's starting a state school withing a walking distance and I won't have to stretch myself, will not have to compare myself with someone richer, will not have to invite anyone much above my income. After feeling stressed and pressurised, I have finally breathed out and enjoy peace and quiet.
My friend's children are in private schools and none of them has ever had a sleepover either at friends' or at their's- they just accept it and no one is hurt.
BTW, an acquaintance who had worked all his life as a financial advisor for rich people told me that he had not seen a single rich family that was really happy.
Looking back at our time as a big family I realise how very happy we were! But living in the moment I desperately wished we were richer and less tired. We were very, very rich , very close but we were not always aware of it.

We had 2 dc sharing a bedroom that was not quite the size of your kitchen. 2 bed house, up until youngest was 7ish. Ours was even, shock horror, rented. Like you though we chose it for the area and were very happy there.

One day one of dc's friends came round. He stood in the hallway, had a quick look round and in his best booming voice the way only a young child can said "Why is your house so SMALL?!" His mum bless her was absolutely horrified! Dc just went "I know where everything is though, c'mon, let's play Lego". Completely brushed it off.

One of my close friends actually once told me she loved my house because it was small and cosy, and we probably as a family have a better relationship because we're so close physically, arguments/disagreements kind of have to be talked out so you can still get along in a small space.

We've moved now (still renting!). We're definitely the poor relations in our friendship circle but no one compares. Dc (mostly, and within reason, by careful management of expectations) have the material things they want. And, as your dc as well I am sure, they have so much love.

I’m sorry as I haven’t read the whole thread but had an idea re the inability to invite people to yours (hopefully I’m not repeating something!)

how would you feel about “hosting” a picnic in a local park? Depending on what you can afford, you could bring a centrepiece type dish like a big quiche plus some other nibbly things. Or maybe a strawberry and cream type affair?! That way you’ve been the organiser but it doesn’t have to be in your home. The people in your village sound lovely and will understand the gesture I think.

FWIW as others have said, you sound like a wonderful, loving mum. So many kids don’t get the privilege of one of those x

OP, I don’t think YABU, but it’s just the way of the world. Far more importantly, you sound lovely and despite a tricky start in life you come across as an amazing mother. When your children are adults, that’s what they’ll remember and value most.

Can you afford a loft bed so a dressing table can go underneath?

Such a detailed OP but then she never came back

Thank you so much to each and every single person that has taken the time to post a message. Every one of you has written with such care and thoughtfulness.
I've read and digested all of the replies.
Some of the posts have made me well up with tears.
I'm going to save this thread and re-read all the posts from time to time.
Such kindness from so many of you......thank you.
Think I'm just finding things a bit hard at the moment, in general.
So your messages and advice have been very gratefully received.
I'm sorry for not replying before now, I've just unexpectedly spent 2 days in hospital.

Sorry.