To feel low in mood today cos of DC having rich friends!

[NotUsually]

Eugh
I hate myself for feeling like this.
It goes against everything I stand for and yet here I am feeling shit about the very situation that I tell others not to feel bad about!
Both my DC have lovely friends. Every single friend lives in a much bigger, grander house than ours.
We live in a tiny semi, 3 bedrooms but the 3rd bedroom is only 9ft x 6ft with the stair box in it so feels even smaller as its got that big dead space in it.
DC are so lucky that they both have lovely kind friends, and that they both receive regular invites round to their houses.
And I make sure to always invite their friends to ours. I facilitate a lot of play dates and sleepovers and always make sure to give them a nice time.
But now my DC and their friends are getting older (9 and 12) I'm starting to feel awkward and uncomfortable about how tiny our house is, in relation to all of theirs.
Our whole house is very, very small.
Kitchen is 7ft x 10 ft. Can't get a table in there. We have no hallway, front door leads straight in to lounge. Tiny garden.
But we live in such a lovely area, it's a village on the edge of an AONB, the schools are lovely and there is a really lovely community here. Basically, we decided this was the area we wanted to bring our DC up in, but we could only buy a tiny house because the house prices here are sky high due to the area. Ours are the smallest houses in the village. At the time, before DC were even born, when we were planning to start a family, we went for location over size, and I stand by it because the location and village itself is providing my DC with a wonderful childhood.
We bought one of the smallest houses in the village. Everyone else that lives in the row of houses the same as ours are retired people. No famies other than us. Our houses are amongst the smallest in the village. We are living in a village of serious wealth. Grand houses. Listed houses. Massively extended houses. Detached houses. Houses with expanses of woods as their back gardens. Even the semis have all been converted to have loft extensions and enormous rear extensions and double story side extensions and have gigantic gardens.
And every single one of their friends lives in these houses.
DC must notice the difference. Of course they must. They don't usually say anything, but last night DD said very coyly that all her friends have gigantic bedrooms compared to hers (she has the weeny box room, only enough room for her bed and 1 single cupboard). She wants a vanity dressing table which all her friends have, but there simply isn't room in her bedroom. It's not a lot to ask for, and I could afford the vanity table, but there's no room.
DS comes home from friends houses and talks about the quad bike he went on in their garden woods, or the pool he swam in in their garden, or the grounds he ran around in at the back of their house, or huge converted loft with ensuite that's been built especially for his friend, fields for gardens, double fronted houses. DD is telling me all about how her best friend is "having her house made twice as big by the builders".
I know anyway, as I'm friends with all the parents.
When DC friends come round, I stand there dying of embarrassment when the mums or dads come round to collect their kids. It's so embarrassing, knowing how huge their homes are. You could pick up the footprint of my whole house and put it in to just their kitchens.
There's no hope of is moving to a bigger house. We do not have the funds. Our mortgage interest rate has doubled this year after our fixed term ended, and we are kicking frantically beneath the surface just to stay afloat financially. Borrowing more money to move or extend is out of the question.
We get invited as a family to other people's garden parties, Sunday lunches, BBQs, fireworks in the garden on bonfire night, etc., where people invite multiple famies round together, and it's lovely for us to be invited, but we can't ever return the invites because we do not have the space, and I do mean literally. I'm feeling very self conscious that they must all be noting that we never invite anyone to ours, and I feel bad about that,cas they're all so friendly and lovely to us.
DH and I both have shitty public service jobs that have had a pay freeze for over a decade.
All these friends parents work in IT, or banking, or they are medical Consultants.
Nobody else has the shit low paying nose to the grindstone professional jobs that we've got stuck with.
We can't retrain, too old (50s), and can't afford the drop in salary to retrain anyway.
What comes in every month goe's straight back out. We budget hard. But COL crisis has hit us hard meaning we've no hope of stepping up the ladder.
No inheritance, parents in social housing with no savings.
I just feel so shit about not being able to provide better and bigger for my DC.
I've tried so hard to better our circumstances for my DC as I came from a single mum with severe MH problems who was on benefits all through my childhood and we lived on the breadline and I had to deal with a lot of neglect.
But my hard work isn't enough. And when DD said last night "I love my bedroom mummy and im not saying I want a bedroom as big as all my friends have but I wish it was bigger so I could have a little vanity dressing table, I'd love that so much...." it stung. Because she can't have one. And I can't provide a bigger room for her.
BTW my DC both have SEN, and both of them are the most lovely, kind, non assuming, calm, happy, gentle, positive, fun, affectionate and truly loving children. I'm absolutely blessed to have them and I support them emotionallyand mentally and practically as hard as I can, I really work hard at being a good mum.
Our home is calm, safe, happy, decorated nicely, I've put my all into making a tiny space nice.
But I'm feeling utterly shit about myself for not providing better for them, compared to all tbeir friends.
And I don't know what to do with these feelings bubbling around inside of my mind and in my chest.

Would something like this fit in?
Yes kids can get a tad jealous.. but if they're all friends and no falling out or bullying I'd be happy with that.

Good point. It's understandable that the op feels the way she does, and I don't want to minimize that. But if the kids are playing a board game or whatever, they can have just as much fun in a small room vs a big.

It’s probably feeling worse as it half term and lots away etc.
As for reciprocal invites I’d think outside box and maybe offer to take them in cheap day trip eg freebie event at library or museum etc not just inviting to home.

A wall mounted cabinet, some nice shelves, a mirror and some lights wouldn't take up any floor space.

True friendships will last despite the differences.

My best friend since I was 8 was someone who went to my school, and who lived in our village. But they lived in the "big house" and our flat was built on land they'd sold to allow the village to grow. Both of my grandparents (who I lived with from age 7) were employed by her family.

Yet now, many many years on, we talk just as fondly about the sleepovers crammed in my tiny bedroom (before my siblings moved it my room didn't actually have a window - it was a large cupboard 😂) as we do the times we ran riot in her huge house.

She also talks very, very fondly about my Nana and the fun things she used to organise for us.

Do consider inviting the parents round one or two at a time. My Nana was like that. Only invited one couple at a time as there was only space for 4 at the table so us kids had a picnic dinner while the adults sat at the table. You don't have to invite everyone.

You are who you are and that absolutely is good enough so please don't feel like it's not!

OP, this isn't meant as a stealth boast as we don't live in a mansion by any means, but we live in a much bigger and naicer house than I grew up in and my DD circumstances are very privileged as far as I'm concerned. A few things from my perspective:

1. It never crosses my mind to think about her other friends parents' houses in the terms you describe, or resent anyone for not inviting us back for meals or events (I really enjoy hosting and am genuinely grateful when people make the effort to come to ours rather than us having to traipse everywhere).
2. I actually worry about making sure that my DD truly appreciates what she has. It's more challenging when they're just used to it and I actively want her to mix with all sorts of families so that she has a sense of perspective and doesn't grow up to be oblivious or snobbish, as well as not being intimidated by people who have considerably more than us. I think gratitude is a really valuable trait (and makes for a genuinely happy life) and I really do worry about instilling it if things come too easily or become expected.
3. Despite living in a house that I think is wonderful, and would have adored as a child, my DD has absolutely come home and asked things like, "why don't we have a swimming pool like so-and-so" which we just laugh off and say things like, "because we're terrible parents!". I actually laughingly told the parent of the other child (who genuinely does live in what I would say is a mansion!) this and she said that her DD had come home from our house bemoaning the fact she didn't have something utterly random that DD has! So there's no pleasing them! 😂
4. My friends still talk about coming to my house as I was growing up because we had the coveted free-for-all snack cupboard in our little 70s cardboard box, and because my mum was always just pleased to welcome them.

I really do understand where you're coming from, being 'in the middle' now ourselves but I really think you should try to let this go as much as you can and focus on what you do and can bring to your children's lives and their friends parents' lives, which sounds like a lot.

We have a similar situation, we have a teeny cottage in a very expensive and lovely village and DD has friends that have helicopters and room to land in their garden.

Even worse, I’m getting divorced and will be the single parent that has to move to a really ugly undesirable house soon. At least our current house is sought after despite its size. The new one really will be low rent.

What I will say is that when I was little I had a big house and spent huge amounts of time with friends that lived in smaller houses. One friend was really poor and they had no flooring. I still really liked going there! So honestly don’t worry about what kids think. I noticed the difference but didn’t mind it.

The feelings you have are quite normal though, I’d be lying if I didn’t wish I’d married a hedge fund manager and had a £5m house sometimes. But I didn’t.

I’d also love to add some tips for your DD’s dressing table! I’m an interior designer.

Could you make her a tiny make shift make up station? For example attach a mirror to the front of her cupboard (there’s stick on ones) with a little shelf underneath (the ones from Ikea that are used as spice racks are good for this, it doesn’t need to be a deep shelf) or there’s stick on make up containers.

Then add a folding chair for her to sit on while she does her make up/skincare so she can fold it away and stash under her bed or hang it on the wall.

I know it won’t be exactly what she had in mind but she might enjoy how creative you can be with it. Get some fairy lights involved

If you have some wall space rather than using the cupboard door even better.

I’ll attach some images of the basic idea to give you the vibe of what I’m meaning.

I come at this from the other perspective. We are well off and our children (now 13 and 15) live lives of obvious privilege.

They could not give a shiny shit about material possessions. DS1’s best friend lives in a tiny flat and he has only nice things to say about it and his friend’s mum. He loves it there - mainly influenced by the welcoming atmosphere and the snacks.

I could also not give a shiny shit and actually find it easier to relax with people whose lives are a bit more “normal” - like mine was growing up.

You should give yourself more credit. You’ve situated your children in a beautiful area to grow up in, where they have nice things and opportunities around them. Don’t beat yourself up, it sounds like they have a lovely life.

How high are the ceilings? Any space for a loft bedroom?

I don't have advice but I just wanted to say you sound like a lovely mum. You and your DH are contributing to society with your jobs and you're doing your best for your children.

I also grew up in a small house in a beautiful area, where many others had large and more expensive houses. But my childhood was pretty happy, and I loved where I lived. It's natural that the kids will notice and I totally get feeling resentful about how much people have, when you're expected to be grateful for a public sector salary that hasn't risen with inflation in almost 15 years.

Don't feel embarrassed that you have a smaller house. You could always invite a smaller group of people over to the house or garden, rather than hosting bigger events like many of your friends seem to. DC's friends probably find the small house a novelty and something different, I always felt that way about friends' houses when I was younger.

I think the poster who said to encourage your kids to be confident in other ways is spot on. Life is not fair and it is hard to see what others have when you have less, but teach them that they are fortunate in many ways and can get on in life regardless. Who knows if many of the people in those homes are happy or not, nobody really knows.

Stop comparing yourself to others. Your house sounds lovely and you sound like a happy little family. Better you live in the smallest house in the best area than a mansion in the crime ridden area of town. Comparison is the thief of joy. Be thankful for what you have. As Phil and Kirsty would say Location Location Location.

We were one of the poorer families when my kids were at primary school, but secondary was much more mixed. My son's current friends ( who he mainly met at sixth form and going to gigs) are a real mix, some in council flats, some in big mansions, parents who are lawyers , doctors , but some long term sick or in minimum wage jobs. My boy isn't very materialistic but he can spot a happy or unhappy family straight away!

I think we've cracked the code here between us - it's all about the snacks, isn't it? 😅

This sort of thing.

Its all relative
DD went to a mixed State primary and everyone thought we were rich
Then she went to a Private school and we were poor
Then she went to a State 6th form and we were rich again
Now she is at Uni and we are poor again

Of course she wouldn't be friends with anyone who overtly had either view but our income hasn't changed, just the people DD is surrounded by.

My children were brought up in an average sized house. They had friends who lived in much smaller houses and friends who lived in huge houses. Can honestly say that they never complained and I cannot remember ever having a conversation about the sizes of their friends house.
Really don’t worry OP ,you are giving your children a good start in life by living in a decent area.

Where the box room is concerned you can do things like the image, that then means the otherside of the room is free for a wardrobe and dressing table, plus underbed storage and its grown up enough to last the teen years.

1. you can host, just in smaller numbers and not in the same way. You have a garden and it's summer now (or round the corner). Use it.

2. I grew up in the big house. One of my school friends grew up with 4 siblings in a 3 bed house. Her dad drove a bus. She has written eloquently about how not having as much helped drive her on to build the wealth that she has - her own business, a residential and commercial property portfolio, children in private school, an Instagram following, speaking engagements.

Do you want your children to grow up thinking that they are lesser people because they don't have as much money?

Every time you start thinking like your OP, with lots of detail about who has what or how much it costs, stop and think about your own home. How hard you worked to buy it, what you have done to improve it or make it your own, memories you have made in it, what your kids love to do here with their friends. There are so many people who would bite your hand off for what you have built. Please try to enjoy it.

Our house is pretty small with awkward gardens & I used to feel like you sometimes. It gets much easier when dc get older as they don't seem to need the space anymore. Entertaining any more than a few people was stressful the extreme & I just stopped doing it, I doubt anyone noticed & tough if they did, I was sick of worrying about accidents!

My dd2 had a boxroom very similar & there just isn't room to do anything, it's just tough. They can't have everything. I had to laugh when looking at uni accommodation: dd was raving about the size of the room while other parents were dismissing it as too small😄

I will say though, a couple of dd1s friends lived in big houses with everything they asked for & they didn't grow up to be particularly happy or well balanced. It's about making the most of what you DO have.

It’s normal to feel like this. All you can do is be frank with your children about the longterm earning potential of various careers. That’s if they indeed care about their friends’ comparatively wealthier lifestyles, because they may not. If I were to advise a money-driven young person today, I would advise them to go into City Law or Finance. I would also advise them to work outside the UK, but that’s a separate point.

We all feel like that sometimes - kids and adults!

When my kids tell me things they want, but can't have (a bigger garden, or even just a new toy) I just sing some rolling stones at them -"you can't always get what you waaant" because what else is there to say? You need to get over it (I don't mean that unkindly).

You have health, a roof, family that you love and presumably love spending time with. You're winning, you've done so well to get where you are!

Funnily enough, when I was with my daughter's dad we lived in a village in the Cotswolds in a house that was worth about 4 times as much as my current flat, and I felt exactly the same envy you describe here. My life was full of people with a lot more money and property than we had....

DD and I now live in a two bedroom flat in an (admittedly nice) part of Birmingham, and I never think of this stuff at all.

And even though her dad has a lot more money than me, and a much bigger property, she says she is happier in our flat.

Because I let her decorate her room however she wants, with the ornaments and pictures she wants, and basically our flat expresses our personalities, not an aspirational vision of upper middle class living. It's full of our hobbies and stuff we find fun - probably looks a mess to other people.

But it's full of love, and things we like. And that's really all that matters.

I am not judging you for what you feel - it's human nature.

But please, if you can, try to focus on your many blessings.

The vast majority of UK kids are growing up in a much less privileged situation to yours.

And, in practical terms, if she wants a vanity then as others have said, look out for a high sleeper. (I keep offering to try and find one for my daughter - they do come up on free Facebook sites and stuff more often than you might think - but she says she doesn't want one as she has no interest in having a vanity or similar - I guess she doesn't wear makeup so it makes sense!

The grass always looks greener but I can assure you it’s not. OP in MN’s words please give your head a wobble. The thing that stood out was the way you described your children. I have 2 SEN kids who I love to pieces and do absolutely everything for but they are extremely hard work - you are SO lucky to have such easy going and happy kids. Cherish this and be blessed. You have no idea what goes on inside these big and flashy houses. It does not equate to a happy home.