To feel low in mood today cos of DC having rich friends!

[NotUsually]

Eugh
I hate myself for feeling like this.
It goes against everything I stand for and yet here I am feeling shit about the very situation that I tell others not to feel bad about!
Both my DC have lovely friends. Every single friend lives in a much bigger, grander house than ours.
We live in a tiny semi, 3 bedrooms but the 3rd bedroom is only 9ft x 6ft with the stair box in it so feels even smaller as its got that big dead space in it.
DC are so lucky that they both have lovely kind friends, and that they both receive regular invites round to their houses.
And I make sure to always invite their friends to ours. I facilitate a lot of play dates and sleepovers and always make sure to give them a nice time.
But now my DC and their friends are getting older (9 and 12) I'm starting to feel awkward and uncomfortable about how tiny our house is, in relation to all of theirs.
Our whole house is very, very small.
Kitchen is 7ft x 10 ft. Can't get a table in there. We have no hallway, front door leads straight in to lounge. Tiny garden.
But we live in such a lovely area, it's a village on the edge of an AONB, the schools are lovely and there is a really lovely community here. Basically, we decided this was the area we wanted to bring our DC up in, but we could only buy a tiny house because the house prices here are sky high due to the area. Ours are the smallest houses in the village. At the time, before DC were even born, when we were planning to start a family, we went for location over size, and I stand by it because the location and village itself is providing my DC with a wonderful childhood.
We bought one of the smallest houses in the village. Everyone else that lives in the row of houses the same as ours are retired people. No famies other than us. Our houses are amongst the smallest in the village. We are living in a village of serious wealth. Grand houses. Listed houses. Massively extended houses. Detached houses. Houses with expanses of woods as their back gardens. Even the semis have all been converted to have loft extensions and enormous rear extensions and double story side extensions and have gigantic gardens.
And every single one of their friends lives in these houses.
DC must notice the difference. Of course they must. They don't usually say anything, but last night DD said very coyly that all her friends have gigantic bedrooms compared to hers (she has the weeny box room, only enough room for her bed and 1 single cupboard). She wants a vanity dressing table which all her friends have, but there simply isn't room in her bedroom. It's not a lot to ask for, and I could afford the vanity table, but there's no room.
DS comes home from friends houses and talks about the quad bike he went on in their garden woods, or the pool he swam in in their garden, or the grounds he ran around in at the back of their house, or huge converted loft with ensuite that's been built especially for his friend, fields for gardens, double fronted houses. DD is telling me all about how her best friend is "having her house made twice as big by the builders".
I know anyway, as I'm friends with all the parents.
When DC friends come round, I stand there dying of embarrassment when the mums or dads come round to collect their kids. It's so embarrassing, knowing how huge their homes are. You could pick up the footprint of my whole house and put it in to just their kitchens.
There's no hope of is moving to a bigger house. We do not have the funds. Our mortgage interest rate has doubled this year after our fixed term ended, and we are kicking frantically beneath the surface just to stay afloat financially. Borrowing more money to move or extend is out of the question.
We get invited as a family to other people's garden parties, Sunday lunches, BBQs, fireworks in the garden on bonfire night, etc., where people invite multiple famies round together, and it's lovely for us to be invited, but we can't ever return the invites because we do not have the space, and I do mean literally. I'm feeling very self conscious that they must all be noting that we never invite anyone to ours, and I feel bad about that,cas they're all so friendly and lovely to us.
DH and I both have shitty public service jobs that have had a pay freeze for over a decade.
All these friends parents work in IT, or banking, or they are medical Consultants.
Nobody else has the shit low paying nose to the grindstone professional jobs that we've got stuck with.
We can't retrain, too old (50s), and can't afford the drop in salary to retrain anyway.
What comes in every month goe's straight back out. We budget hard. But COL crisis has hit us hard meaning we've no hope of stepping up the ladder.
No inheritance, parents in social housing with no savings.
I just feel so shit about not being able to provide better and bigger for my DC.
I've tried so hard to better our circumstances for my DC as I came from a single mum with severe MH problems who was on benefits all through my childhood and we lived on the breadline and I had to deal with a lot of neglect.
But my hard work isn't enough. And when DD said last night "I love my bedroom mummy and im not saying I want a bedroom as big as all my friends have but I wish it was bigger so I could have a little vanity dressing table, I'd love that so much...." it stung. Because she can't have one. And I can't provide a bigger room for her.
BTW my DC both have SEN, and both of them are the most lovely, kind, non assuming, calm, happy, gentle, positive, fun, affectionate and truly loving children. I'm absolutely blessed to have them and I support them emotionallyand mentally and practically as hard as I can, I really work hard at being a good mum.
Our home is calm, safe, happy, decorated nicely, I've put my all into making a tiny space nice.
But I'm feeling utterly shit about myself for not providing better for them, compared to all tbeir friends.
And I don't know what to do with these feelings bubbling around inside of my mind and in my chest.

Everything everyone else has said.

There are some really good ideas out there for tiny rooms without getting a loft bed.

Also actively practice & preach minimalism with your DC how reduces landfill and pollution.

I was the 'rich' kid. We had a massive house growing up, however my Dad was never there as he was always in the USA for work and my Mum was an alcoholic.

Your children sound happy and that's the most important thing

YABU - I wasn’t allowed friends over as my mother always said our house wasnt big enough (laughable now as it’s still just a normal 3bed) & made to feel it wasn’t good enough. I would not do this to my children we have an open door policy - they are coming to see the person not the house.

I was just reading on the BBC about the 6 year old South African girl whose drug addict mother may have sold her a year ago for her skin and eyes to a traditional healer. No one know where she is. This is where they lived:
https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/ace/standard/976/cpsprodpb/14235/production/_133258428_cfdd6628-0db4-4328-9e78-0cc34bf9961d.jpg.webp

I don't think though that we can expect children to really appreciate how lucky they are as they don't have the experience - but you can appreciate it OP! Your kids are adored, they live in a beautiful place, they go to a wonderful school and have lovely friends. They don't have everything but they have an awful lot. They can aspire to buying a bigger house when they are adults, it's ok for them not to have everything right now.

Comparison is the thief of joy my friend.

I've been there, in the tiny bedroom of the worst house in the village full of mansions.

It gave me a great childhood and was far better being in that village and that mix of friends than in a bigger house in worse location. You are doing brilliant by your children.

On a practical level - when in my tiny box room I had a fold up desk on the wall, took up very little space and that doubled up as a dressing table. I had a small storage box that I put everything back into. Could something like that work in your DDs room?

Don’t let your dc ever use quad bikes they are absolutely lethal.

I feel for you. Logically you know that kids don’t really care about houses and they’re lucky to have loving parents but I can understand how you feel. I was the child with the old semi that needed doing up and I was sometimes embarrassed bringing wealthier friends home.

But you know what, that feeling passed and I became so grateful to my parents for all the sacrifices they made for us, and working all hours to pay the mortgage. All those friends from school are long gone.

I grew up in a somewhat chaotic family and our home was very small. My mother was constantly ashamed of it throughout our childhood, so much so that we were discouraged from having friends over. I was so lonely! Please don’t project your shame or feelings of being less than onto your children and help them to feel secure in who they are.

If your DC's friends and their parents are half as lovely as your family they will not be judging you at all. You are giving your DC a much better childhood than you had.

Practically, could you get your DD a midi or high sleeper with space underneath for a desk/vanity unit. Another option might be to move the wall between the smallest bedroom and the room beside it. Or build storage in the bigger room, (on the communal wall) accessed from the smaller room.

OP you're living the dream imo. You get to go to the fancy parties without having to host any and your children get to effectively go on adventure weekends (bikes, pools) just by going to see their friends. If the neighbours are nice they won't care about your house which sounds very sweet in any event. Invite parents in for a cuppa if you're worried about selling inhospitable but can't host everyone.
FWIW pretty much all my colleagues and local friends live in massive posh houses but nothing beats my friend's little house. She's a nurse, the house is full of fun and toys, and she has the best stories and good biscuits. Anyone decent won't care and it sounds like you made a good choice on location.

My parents had a lot of money when I was growing up and we had a lovely big house. However, they split up when I was very young and went through an awful divorce. I remember envying my friends who had happy families, just as they would envy all the nice "stuff" I got bought. Point being - grass is always greener!

I don’t think you are unreasonable to feel like this. I feel a bit the same about our house - most of DH’s colleagues and some of DD’s friends have much bigger expensive ones due to very different family circumstances. It’s just life for you . ☹️
I think involving children in budgeting (age appropriately and sensitively) help them to understand natural limitations and to feel less upset about lack of things, it’s more like you have a choice of this and that rather then you can’t have this. Also lack of space sometimes leads to having a really unique creative decision so maybe it’s the answer - there are lots of ideas on this thread.
But otherwise solidarity - we are in a small house too, we prioritised the location.

We also have a 3 bed semi with a box room. My DC also had friends who lived in much bigger houses and better cars. But they always wanted to come and hang out at our place. Turns out that one set of parents were always arguing and the other set were never there because they were working.

DC and his friends are now 25 and his friends are still coming around to our little 3 bed semi!

This is what I did and it worked really well

I get it. Had similar experiences and funnily enough now the situations have reversed and I feel funny about that too! But just enjoy the good things you’ve got.

One of the best times I ever had was staying with a friend's family in a tiny council flat in Edinburgh.
I couldn't have felt more welcome and had the most wonderful visit. Conversely, I've stayed with mega rich friends and felt very uncomfortable.
You've nothing to feel embarrassed about. Nice, normal people don't stand there judging the size of your house.
Kids will always want stuff, but they will realise it's not possible. They won't love you any less.

Oh op you sound so genuinely loving and caring… your kids are lucky to have you, a loving home, roof on their head , food in their belly

You never know I’m sure their are friends of your DC who are jealous… jealous that your DC have present parents not just presents bought to entertain them

I think a small cozy house sounds better than a monstrosity any day of the week

OP we are the rich family in this scenario. We live in a “niace” village with lovely schools and listed buildings etc.

I have never, ever once thought anything negative about my son’s friends and their families who live in the very few tiny houses in the village. I understand why they don’t return the invites. I’m aware our wealth was acquired through hard work but with a huge dollop of luck. We’d never look down on or think badly of someone in a smaller house, earning less money etc.

In all likelihood your kids friends families honestly aren’t giving it a second thought either. I’m sure they are aware that they are actually the societal outliers to have pools and quad bikes and “grounds”.

Op your home is way bigger than mine i have tiny 2 bed flat i call it cosy i love it anyway.
Well off people or rich people still have problems in life we can all smile and put a fake face on to hide it.
I went to school with a what some would call a rich girl big house fancy cars holidays everything i wanted.

As the years passed we got older she told me her parents was in huge debt to keep up the look they lost there home in the end the cars was on loan they didnt really own anything it was all credit cards / loans / finance etc she spent most of her time with her grandparents because her parents was to busy keeping up appearances.

She said it looked good from the outside but not on the in.
I still talk to her to day and shes so sweet she dont own a huge house she has a small 2 bed H/A house.
And no contact with her parents.

OP - you are going to have to deal with this dynamic every day for the rest of your life so you need to find some way of coming to terms with it and being grateful for what you have, and what you are able to provide for your children.

It never stops. Right now, your kids’ friends have bigger bedrooms than them. In 10-15 years’ time, those friends will be getting six figure deposits for their first homes while your kids are stuck renting. There’s nothing you can do but accept that life isn’t fair.

Perspective is interesting, when I look back on some comments I had about my house that other parents told their DC I can barely believe it. One friend lived on a posh estate and used to boast about how many windows she had and always acted like her house was far superior to mine.

When I look back now!! I can't scaresly believe it where we lived was far far nicer!

My childhood friends broadly had homes with all different attributes that I enjoyed and I think that goes for any child regardless of size some had parents who always had nice food, another a house where we could play in a field, another had a horse another had blah.

They are lucky to have access to these features and your DC friend's are lucky to have to have your house and home also.

Hey OP you're feelings are valid and I completely understand x

However think of it this way; even if you had a bigger house than the one you are in now, you would still be comparing with people who own bigger houses!

It's human nature to look at those with more than us.

You just need to try and change your mindset - compare your situation with those who have less than you; you will appreciate everything more and those negative feelings will go away.

I always think like this and you can apply it to everything.

I’ve seen mirrors with storage that hook on door or wall.
As for rest your dcs sound lovely. It sounds like you are in a real bubble though. Maybe will change at secondary?

Understandable to feel like this but you need to remember that your children are probably healthier and happier than you were so you should be proud of this achievement.