DH throwing out my things

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DH is a minimalist to the extreme, he has very little in terms of 'things'. Naturally I'm the opposite, a hoarder. Over the years I've conceded ground and downsized a LOT to pacify him, although it's probably fair to say that I still have too much stuff and it's also a bit messy and cluttered. Having kids has obviously brought more stuff to the house generally, but my own "stuff" is contained, with most of the house being tidy and (from my perspective at least) quite minimalist as he likes it. The "stuff" is in our bedroom (my side) to some extent, but mostly in my study which only I use.
In response to my compromises, instead of compromising too he seems to be going the other way. I'm increasingly finding my stuff in the bin, or things have just disappeared. I'm not talking about my most prized possessions, but they are things that I have bought, with my own money, for myself, that are on my side of the bedroom or in my study. I've always known not to leave things lying around in the kitchen or lounge or whatever for this reason, but it's like he's encroaching more and more on what I'd consider limited private spaces. To be fair, a lot of them are not big stuff. But even if it's just a receipt, it might be for some things I had meant to return or where I was going to claim something back as an expense. But to him, he's right and I'm wrong.
Even if it's actually something that is completely unimportant and doesn't matter to me, I still feel in principle that he shouldn't be throwing out my things from my study without checking or at the very least telling me. Am I being unreasonable?
When I pick him up on something specific, the response is always about the actual thing in question "what were you going to do with it anyway / it had a rip in it / you said yourself you have too many socks". Where for me, it's about the principle of it being up to me what to do with my own things. He says my clutter affects him as he lives here too, but he increasingly seems to be looking for it beyond surface level (while he is extremely private about his own things).
His 'need' to get rid of things also extends to perishable goods. So I might buy an expensive condiment (where he won't spend a penny more than he has to on anything), or I'll get a bottle of Baileys as a present from someone, he'll use them up as fast as he can, I'm talking days, not really 'enjoying' them as far as I can see, but just to get them out of the house. And inside I feel "hey they are my nice things", but am I just being selfish?
The other side is that I probably do have too much stuff and too much emotional attachment to 'things'. And gifts I receive like the Baileys could be in the cupboard for weeks/months otherwise. He says they're there to be used. Should I just give in?
At the moment I'm not giving in, at least not in my head, it's a huge source of frustration for me. But any effort to put a boundary in place on this, as with anything else really, is met with a bullheaded wall of stubborness ("I'm not agreeing to that"). I basically have to let it go time and again. But it's making me very anxious, what will be gone next?

He's not throwing away things of sentimental value or of use though. He's throwing out ripped clothes and waste paper. To be fair to OP, she has responded proportionately to that.

If OP were to pretend to throw out something of his, then his reaction would be that of someone who had been deprived of something useful or that they love - because that's all he keeps.

OP does sound in danger of being a hoarder - we all like to think of ourselves as being the kind of person who returns purchases that don't fit, or that repairs clothing. Most of us manage to recognise we aren't that person.

It not as though DH looked through OP's filing system, or rooted through her mending basket to find these things - which would be inappropriate.

The solution may be built in cupbards on OP's side of the bedroom and one side of the office (if OP doesn't want to lock it). All the clutter goes in there, and DH can't see it. What he cannot see doesn't hurt him. If he finds 'clutter' somewhere, he can put it in the cupboards.

If those cupboards get filled and begin to overflow - then OP may have to admit she has a problem. If DH is unable to keep out (except for putting things in), then he is the one with the problem.

Why though? The jumpers and the train ticket, not to mention the jam? Unworn jumpers are pointless, store the ticket in a scrap book or memory box. Old jam? Botulism can kill you. My house is far from perfect but this would drive me insane.

“Oh my goodness - actual stuff! How horrid!”

It's not explicit from what OP says; but even if you were minded to keep every receipt for everything you bought for a year - just in case stuff went wrong and needed to be returned - it wouldn't actually take up very much space.

You’re missing the point. And where are you getting the idea that she’s eating old jam?

He’s a controlling bully with zero respect for you.

He’s showing contempt not just for your possessions, but for your feelings and boundaries.

He’s telling you everything he thinks, feels and says is automatically important and must take priority because your opinions and feelings have no value.

He escalates hostilities and punishes you tenfold for any transgression, but particularly if you stand up to him (this is by far the most telling part of your posts).

He holds his own boundaries whilst gradually pushing yours back until the space you occupy in your own home has diminished to nothing.

He’s showing you that he can invade your privacy and do whatever he likes with your stuff and there’s fuck all you can do about it because you don’t really count.

Even your own space, your study, isn’t your own. Even your little treats and special purchases are not your own because he’ll take them from you despite taking no real pleasure in them himself (and then have you questioning whether you’re the one being selfish!).

This isn’t just about socks and receipts, OP - he’s minimising you out of existence.

You sound utterly miserable, and I’d bet money that that hum of anxiety is not down to wondering what he’ll do next, it’s the generalised churning and treading-on-eggs feeling that comes from living with a controlling arsehole.

Walking away is not an easy thing to do, especially with young children, but it’s really not impossible.

Oh should it? You better let Baileys know their best before dates are wrong then.

OP, this man doesn't respect you and you both sound unhappy.

I hate my DHs clutter, I'd never throw his things away without checking though. Your DH needs therapy. You are not being unreasonable, he has issues.

It's difficult when one person wants minimalism. Get a box and tell him to put stuff of yours he comes across in there so you can check it first. But it's easy to keep far too much stuff so keep on top of it. He shouldn't be binning your stuff though.

Not really. In the case of the original OP, it's hard to judge without pictures and I'd put a lock on my study door if anyone threw my stuff without asking. Her husband sounds very, very difficult.
In this case, I'm genuinely interested in why people keep stuff they can't or don't use and have no foreseeable use for. Mementoes are lovely but an old train ticket in a memory box, fine. On the kitchen windowsill, less fine. That was all.

And if you left every single receipt just lying around on the floor / counters etc along with ripped socks that would get irritating in well under a year.

OP, I think using the term 'Hoarder' is giving a false perspective of your belongings.

To me it sounds like OP has a normal amount of things and her husband has the bare minimum of things to survive. So to him it looks like OP is a hoarder, when in fact she is not. And anything over what he deems enough needs to be got hid off.

I would definitely put a lock on your office door, and not give him a key when he demands a key tell him that you cannot risk him throwing away something connected to work and because he keeps disposing of your things you need to protect your office space.

You do need to think about what you are going to with your relationship going forward.

Ah, so all his items are very special and important, and couldn’t possibly be thrown away? I see…

@ChristmasFluff so is it normal to expect you to use up a gift from someone eg Baileys, in a few days, as otherwise it is clutter and needs to be removed.

From OP’s comments he is very controlling about his stuff and also sounds like a tight arse as wouldn’t buy a special condiment for a treat, and if did would have to consume in a few days.

OP says she has learnt not to leave things lying around on surfaces. That is not normal. Yes you don’t want things piling up, but sounds like he bins stuff lying around rather than asking if they are needed.

Bet he is a nightmare with the kids’ stuff too.

If anyone has a problem in the house it appears to be him. I bet OP is not the hoarder she thinks she is, it’s just him convincing her she is.

It’s a difficult one because I can’t see this from both sides. Maybe he is at the end of his tether with it all and is not coping. I can see that you feel it doesn’t impact on him too much but you are both obviously see things very differently.

My DF and wife are hoarders. They both want to throw out each others stuff but not their own! So it’s a stalemate and a very bad situation- I hate going to theirs as you can hardly move for piles of stuff.

She has hundreds of magazines piled up. When I asked why she has them all, she said that “they have recipes in” but she couldn’t possibly cook any of the recipes anyway as the kitchen is way too cluttered to be able to do it. Plus she is not very mobile.

So in my mind I am wondering why she just doesn’t get rid of them. They are clearly of no use. I think 40 years of gradual collecting and she doesn’t realise how bad the house is, they’ve both just got used to it.

It’s clearly a psychological problem that is not logical to me or your husband and I guess he gets frustrated.

None of us here really knows who is more to “blame” (probably not the right word) but as a PP said, there needs to be a discussion and compromise for you to both live happily together.

If you can’t work something out so that you are both happy then I guess you will either have to put up with it or leave.

It’s definitely a tricky one.

And honestly if gifts are just sitting around for months and months I don’t blame him for getting rid.

"Oh yes, that bottle of Baileys was just sitting there for months and was taking up SO much room; I just had to drink it myself. She gave me no choice".

I'd put money on this oaf not thinking he had to wear OP’s perfume or lingerie if those were the gifts “just sitting around”.

Completely not acceptable for him to throw out your things without your consent, it's disrespectful and controlling.

That said, I am a minimalist and my husband has traits of my MIL / his mother (a hoarder to the extent that she owns a large detached 4 bed house and virtually none of the rooms are accessible because of junk filled to the ceilings - we actually have to get a hotel when we visit them) and I can't tell you the anxiety it gives me. It's the most significant source of stress in my life (and I have a full-time, high pressure job with two children under 5!) that he might go the same way as his mum. I love him to pieces but if he did end up going that way I'd have to reconsider the marriage. He is just constantly buying things without getting rid of the equivalent amount of stuff. I am not a neat freak but I hate clutter and find it really difficult to deal with mentally.

Many see hoarding as a mental health condition - could a compromise be that your DH stops throwing your things away, and you maybe seek some sort of therapy for your hoarding?

Why though? Why is a train ticket on a window sill such a problem?

I bet you buy too much crap as well. That's what my DH does. For eg. he will buy cleaning products that just do one thing, instead of a multi use cleaner, so then you have 6 bottles, when 1 would have sufficed. He doesn't use any of these products, they just get rammed in the under sink cupboard. The other day he bought a garlic mayonnaise and opened it to try it, despite us having an open one in the fridge already - so now there are 2 open. He will buy a bottle of spirit, open it to try it, even if we already have several other open bottles of a similar thing - and then will never finish it, as he prefers wine. It's the lackadaisical attitude, along with nothing having it's place that drives me up the wall, because I am much more ordered. I like everything neat and tidy. Gah!

@LucyEleanorModeratz I think the DH sounds more like the person who needs therapy.

Because it gets muddled up with other things (I did say kitchen) and runs the risk of being chucked by accident.
All I meant was, it helps if it has a place, not just lying around.

Funny that this Baileys wasn’t so “grim” that he felt obliged to pour it down the sink rather than drinking it…

Oh and I asked him to stop buying packet rice, because we already had loads. He buys more. This morning I've counted 7 packets that are out of date - I mean why???? The birds will be having a good morning anyway.

Op, read what you wrote and imagine it was your best friend writing, would you really want her to stay in the relationship or would you advise her to leave this abusive man?

OP, I’ve read all your responses but this is the one that worries me. He is a bully, and you obey him because you are (justifiably) frightened of what he’ll do if you disobey him.

He does not own you. He has no right to demand obedience: he should treat you with respect, just as you treat him. (He has no right to steal your possessions anyway — which is what he’s doing.)

This is coercion, a form of domestic abuse. It doesn’t have to be physical violence. He forces you to do what he wants through intimidation. You have to protect yourself.

If he will not discuss it in a reasonable, non-aggressive way, I would consider writing him a message explaining how unhappy you are with his behaviour and going away for a few days to consider my options.