DH throwing out my things

[fa556]

DH is a minimalist to the extreme, he has very little in terms of 'things'. Naturally I'm the opposite, a hoarder. Over the years I've conceded ground and downsized a LOT to pacify him, although it's probably fair to say that I still have too much stuff and it's also a bit messy and cluttered. Having kids has obviously brought more stuff to the house generally, but my own "stuff" is contained, with most of the house being tidy and (from my perspective at least) quite minimalist as he likes it. The "stuff" is in our bedroom (my side) to some extent, but mostly in my study which only I use.
In response to my compromises, instead of compromising too he seems to be going the other way. I'm increasingly finding my stuff in the bin, or things have just disappeared. I'm not talking about my most prized possessions, but they are things that I have bought, with my own money, for myself, that are on my side of the bedroom or in my study. I've always known not to leave things lying around in the kitchen or lounge or whatever for this reason, but it's like he's encroaching more and more on what I'd consider limited private spaces. To be fair, a lot of them are not big stuff. But even if it's just a receipt, it might be for some things I had meant to return or where I was going to claim something back as an expense. But to him, he's right and I'm wrong.
Even if it's actually something that is completely unimportant and doesn't matter to me, I still feel in principle that he shouldn't be throwing out my things from my study without checking or at the very least telling me. Am I being unreasonable?
When I pick him up on something specific, the response is always about the actual thing in question "what were you going to do with it anyway / it had a rip in it / you said yourself you have too many socks". Where for me, it's about the principle of it being up to me what to do with my own things. He says my clutter affects him as he lives here too, but he increasingly seems to be looking for it beyond surface level (while he is extremely private about his own things).
His 'need' to get rid of things also extends to perishable goods. So I might buy an expensive condiment (where he won't spend a penny more than he has to on anything), or I'll get a bottle of Baileys as a present from someone, he'll use them up as fast as he can, I'm talking days, not really 'enjoying' them as far as I can see, but just to get them out of the house. And inside I feel "hey they are my nice things", but am I just being selfish?
The other side is that I probably do have too much stuff and too much emotional attachment to 'things'. And gifts I receive like the Baileys could be in the cupboard for weeks/months otherwise. He says they're there to be used. Should I just give in?
At the moment I'm not giving in, at least not in my head, it's a huge source of frustration for me. But any effort to put a boundary in place on this, as with anything else really, is met with a bullheaded wall of stubborness ("I'm not agreeing to that"). I basically have to let it go time and again. But it's making me very anxious, what will be gone next?

What he’s doing is the type of thing that makes someone with hoarder tendencies into a full blown hoarder. Making her feel that nothing she owns is safe and that she has no private space.

Although not this situation my ex was just like yours in his responses and I always ended up backing down, because I just couldn’t win. Whatever I did (for example the suggestion of removing one of your ‘d’h’s possessions) he would have the ability to lob it back to me ten times worse. It was really detrimental to my mental health.

I would leave him for his responses alone, this is not a nice man. My ex is spiteful and it sounds like this man is too. My mental health improved enormously after we split. Once our youngest has graduated (in two years) I’ll never need to communicate with him again.

I think its impossible to know without photos

I can’t tell if YABU. I am not even close to a minimalist but your constant references to you probably having more stuff suggests to me that there is a lot of junk and he’s actually being reasonable.

How on earth is he being reasonable taking a special bottle that OP was given as a present and drinking it himself - and then blaming her for not getting to it before he did?

Obviously, I don't know OP or her situation; but I'm envisaging the references to 'probably having more stuff' as the response of a gaslit person who has been worn down and constantly told that she is wrong whilst he is right.

You see it all the time on MN: women minimise shocking treatment from their husbands and put it back on to themselves as "I'm probably doing something bad or annoying, so it's likely me to blame for/deserve it when he hits me or screams in my face".

Locks are your friend. You shouldn’t have to but it’s the solution

Glossing over the examples of stuff that he has thrown out? And honestly if gifts are just sitting around for months and months I don’t blame him for getting rid.

I'd be fucking done with someone who thinks he owns all of my things and can use them up or chuck them out at will.

Do you know what jumps out at me, and another poster touched on this?

I bet HE told you that you are a hoarder.

You're probably not, but he's conditioned you into believing that you are.

Gaslighting 101, controlling and abusive.

to a hoarder “stuff” is a broken computer that hasn’t worked for ten years and bank letters from 1997…

I'm more on the minimalist side but that's not important - what matters is how you happily coexist. My dh has one room to keep all his crap and he's responsible for cleaning all those pointless objets too. Depresses me to even go in the room. But at least it's separate and the rest of the house is tidy and easy to clean and he can sit in there pondering his clutter all day long if he wants. Otherwise we couldn't co-exist. Having autonomy over separate spaces is the only way I think.

It doesn't sound like that though. Op mentioned her own side of the bed and her study, doesn't sound floor to ceiling or dangerous.

I'm prepared to be corrected by the op, I hope she comes back and answers the questions about the extent of the clutter.

A hoarder wouldn't only have stuff in their study and their side of the bed. Theyd be taking over the house. OP, can you move the stuff from your side of the bed into the study and lock the door. Any gifts you receive hide in there so he can't steal them like the Baileys or receipts you need.

A bottle of Bailey’s in the cupboard and you would “get rid?” that’s you being weird and controlling.

OP there are many clutter charts online. Could you have a look and see what score you would give your workspace. Because obviously people have different ideas of what is going on.

If you can’t face tackling him head on because you fear his reaction then you’ve got a serious problem.

I certainly would tell him that the next time he throws my stuff out, his is going.

I could not live with a hoarder and piles of stuff would make me uneasy- but I would not throw anything out without discussion unless it was food going off etc. He should not be drinking up your Bailey’s quickly to get rid of it.

Forcing someone to live in piles of shit clutter is also abuse.

It sounds like he had a real problem. I’m not sure what the opposite of hoarding is, but it seems that he has it. You need to have a proper chat with him, that behaviour isn’t normal.

i think living with a hoarder can be infuriating and makes you feel as if you’ve lost control over your own space.

it can be really hard on a real as the other person doesn’t want to leave in the case it get worse and they don’t want leave their children with no support.

we don’t know how bad it is, but if it’s stuff like receipts past 30days you can’t return it. Maybe you are self employed do you keep them for tax purposes.

i don’t think you and minimalist would ever work and you probably need to get some support and end this marriage but I can also have sympathy for someone living with a hoarder and trying to stop the slow creep into communal spaces which does happen

The problem you have here is that you are trying to fix a relationship on your own. Your DH isn't meeting you half way or indeed any way. You are the one doing all the compromising and it still isn't good enough. He is controlling what you can and can't do. By your own admission you are not raising things because you are scared of his reaction and you will get the blame anyway. Punishments like telling his family you didn't want to go on holiday with them? What would be the consequences of you turning around to the family and saying actually I wanted to go but DH has decided I'm not worthy of going because I left a receipt on the bed or didn't drink a bottle of Baileys I was given in a week (and why incidentally is he drinking and using gifts given to you? Can you use gifts given to him?). Honey - he is isolating you so you will obey him. This isn't a husband wife situation. It's a master servant situation. Hard though it may be, get yourself out. You are entitled to not be walking on eggshells around the supposed love of your life.

This could have been written by me.
I have adhd so I am messy and a bit of a hoarder.
My DH finds mess extremely stressful, kt makes him anxtious and he was also
In the military so has very exacting standards.
You can imagine what nearly all our arguments are about.
He dis this for years, chuck my bits and pieces in the bin, for him, if its out, it is rubbish. He absolutely cant stand clutter, it makes him stressed, but for me, tidying makes me extremeley stressed.
We dis manage to talk it through and we had to learn to compromise. I keep my stuff neater, he will not throw anything of mine away.
Were still arguing over it daily though as I do let the little piles pile up everywhere. I know this must be infuriating to a neat person but I cant actually help it

"But any effort to put a boundary in place on this, as with anything else really, is met with a bullheaded wall of stubborness ("I'm not agreeing to that"). I basically have to let it go time and again. But it's making me very anxious, what will be gone next?"

To which the answer is, "I don't need your agreement. I am allowed to own things. Every single time you throw something of mine out, I will throw something of yours out until you get the message. And given how minimalist you are, I can't guarantee that what I throw out won't be something important, like your passport."

I think the husband sounds like he needs counselling, to be honest.

I can understand that if he likes a minimalist environment, her need to keep stuff would be hard for him to live with. But what he's doing is excessive. He's throwing out the property of another adult without permission.

It sounds as if she isn't cluttering the shared areas. But he is obsessively throwing out her things in her own space, her study. That's not normal, it's controlling behaviour.

This is very different :

if he's a minimalist, then every single one of his items is needed and a necessity. Whereas the majority of ops items are unnecessary junk.

So it would be 100x worse if he lost an item, compared to the OP losing an item.

It is entirely normal to keep something like Baileys for a few weeks/months/ a year. The fact he desperately tries to use it all up so he can get rid of it makes me think this issue is mainly him.

I am also concerned that his reaction would be so dramatic. There’s a huge imbalance of power in this relationship. While you’re trying to see things from his point of view, he is not doing the same.

i think therapy would be useful. If he won’t agree I would find it very difficult to continue the relationship. The consequences he metes out lack kindness and are frankly cruel.

No, it's not different.

It doesn't matter whether someone else considers that the OP's property is "unnecessary junk".

She is allowed to have, for example, a bottle of Baileys that lives in a cupboard and is drunk slowly.

This is no way to live. OP, you get one life. That’s it. You don’t get another chance. Why are you spending yours with a man like this? Really… sit down and think about that. Your best years spent with a man like this. You say you have kids; would you choose this partner for them? Is this what you want them to grow up to think is normal?

Get a lock fitted on the study door, do not give him the key. And plan your divorce then get out of there.