DH throwing out my things

[fa556]

DH is a minimalist to the extreme, he has very little in terms of 'things'. Naturally I'm the opposite, a hoarder. Over the years I've conceded ground and downsized a LOT to pacify him, although it's probably fair to say that I still have too much stuff and it's also a bit messy and cluttered. Having kids has obviously brought more stuff to the house generally, but my own "stuff" is contained, with most of the house being tidy and (from my perspective at least) quite minimalist as he likes it. The "stuff" is in our bedroom (my side) to some extent, but mostly in my study which only I use.
In response to my compromises, instead of compromising too he seems to be going the other way. I'm increasingly finding my stuff in the bin, or things have just disappeared. I'm not talking about my most prized possessions, but they are things that I have bought, with my own money, for myself, that are on my side of the bedroom or in my study. I've always known not to leave things lying around in the kitchen or lounge or whatever for this reason, but it's like he's encroaching more and more on what I'd consider limited private spaces. To be fair, a lot of them are not big stuff. But even if it's just a receipt, it might be for some things I had meant to return or where I was going to claim something back as an expense. But to him, he's right and I'm wrong.
Even if it's actually something that is completely unimportant and doesn't matter to me, I still feel in principle that he shouldn't be throwing out my things from my study without checking or at the very least telling me. Am I being unreasonable?
When I pick him up on something specific, the response is always about the actual thing in question "what were you going to do with it anyway / it had a rip in it / you said yourself you have too many socks". Where for me, it's about the principle of it being up to me what to do with my own things. He says my clutter affects him as he lives here too, but he increasingly seems to be looking for it beyond surface level (while he is extremely private about his own things).
His 'need' to get rid of things also extends to perishable goods. So I might buy an expensive condiment (where he won't spend a penny more than he has to on anything), or I'll get a bottle of Baileys as a present from someone, he'll use them up as fast as he can, I'm talking days, not really 'enjoying' them as far as I can see, but just to get them out of the house. And inside I feel "hey they are my nice things", but am I just being selfish?
The other side is that I probably do have too much stuff and too much emotional attachment to 'things'. And gifts I receive like the Baileys could be in the cupboard for weeks/months otherwise. He says they're there to be used. Should I just give in?
At the moment I'm not giving in, at least not in my head, it's a huge source of frustration for me. But any effort to put a boundary in place on this, as with anything else really, is met with a bullheaded wall of stubborness ("I'm not agreeing to that"). I basically have to let it go time and again. But it's making me very anxious, what will be gone next?

And where any reaction results in a punishment that is ‘tenfold’ so her only option is to backdown.

what a stand up guy 🙄

Except you've just made all that up capitalatrisk. It didn't start in the study and spill into the bedroom. It started with either a tendency towards hoarding or with just being a maximalist (which there's nothing wrong with the latter) and a bit messy. She's been reducing her personal possessions over time, at his request also reduced because he's been throwing out her stuff. So the opposite of what you're saying.

@Riaanna
Stop derailing the thread with your arguments. Your getting boring now😊

I'm just trying to point out that we only OP's description of what is happening.

OP who, by the way, has stated that she is emotionaly attached to "things", that she has too much stuff, that she's a hoarder, that her hoard takes up half their bedroom, and another room. I just wonder what the rest of the house looks like.

@CapitalAtRiskRead the OP.
she makes it clear that the mess is contained to her study and her side of the bedroom. The rest of the house is as he wants… she even states she knows better than to leave things in the kitchen or living room. He’s going into HER study and throwing things away. He’s eating and drinking HER treats so they aren’t in the house.

He sounds like a dick

Except he doesn't discuss it with her before throwing anything out. She often has good reasons for keeping, say, an old receipt - like she said, that she's planning to return the item or write it up as an expense - only for her to find it's been chucked in the bin, and her husband hasn't bothered to check with her first.

As for the study, it's not so full he can't get in there. And even if it was, it's her own private space and therefore none of his business.

As for the bedroom - OP is already keeping her clutter to her side of an invisible demarcating line, knowing that if she crosses it her belongings will be unceremoniously binned.

Your imaginary husband is fun, but I don't think he lives up to the reality. For that I'll leave OP's response to the question of how he would react if OP treated his belongings the way he treats hers. Here it is:

"Thanks for the support. But if I did that, the response would be colossal. Either something related but much more extreme like throwing out ALL of my somethings, or it would be something seeminly unrelated but very negative and destructive, maybe telling his family I'm not able to go with them on the extended family holiday this year or something like that. Any reaction from me to anything gets a tenfold reaction back, the only option really is to back down"

But I'm sure he's a poor put-upon lamb, and not a controlling man child at all 🙄

And I'm sure she's not a hoarder. I'm sure he's not totally fed up with trying to deal with the tide.

And, like you said, these are old receipts for items she never got round to returning. They're indicative of the issue.

Well there’s no suggestion there IS an issue. Other than the issue that her husband is a monumental twat.

No they were receipts for something she intended to return or claim back on expenses- but now can’t because he’s thrown it away.

OP, this is exactly my life too. I have put up with it for decades and am currently planning my way out of it. You are clearly not a hoarder if the majority of your house is tidy and clutter free. You are simply a normal, busy human being. Like you, I don't try to reciprocate the behaviour with his prized possessions because the response would be too much to handle. This incompatibility has developed into something much worse for me and I suspect it will for you. His behaviour indicates a complete disregard for you and your feelings and this won't change, it will only intensify into full-scale abuse. I'm very sorry that you're going through this - it's awful but please seek help now. I wish I had done that much sooner. 💕

Nah.

I'd get a lockable doorknob for your study and keep the key away from him. Like hooked to your purse or something and then I'll be telling him that he's banned from that room if he wants to keep his marriage intact..

For the umpteenth time, it’s not his to use!! And it doesn’t matter whether you would never have alcohol in the cupboard for months - your choices aren’t relevant here.

You’re trying to suggest OP is unreasonable for keeping a non-perishable item in a cupboard. You know - a place for storing things. It’s insane.

She says it here:

I probably do have too much stuff and too much emotional attachment to 'things'. And gifts I receive like the Baileys could be in the cupboard for weeks/months otherwise.

She fully admits she has emotional attachment to things and that is why she lets them sit in the cupboard for weeks or months, it's nothing to do with being an occasional drinker, anyone suggesting OP keeps these things because she hasn't got round to drinking them are really minimising the issue that she fully admits she has, she says she does it because of the emotional attachment to them, it's her words, why are people accusing others of making that up? It is classic hoarding behaviour, they don't really know why they feel compelled to keep things and not use them as intended, but they can't seem to help it.

A small amount of that in itself wouldn't be an issue in most people lives, I thing most people do it to a certain degree, but if it is an ongoing issue of her hoarding things because she is emotionally attached to them then it must be frustrating for someone else to live with the clutter that comes with that, and seemingly keeping things for absolutely no other reason then not wanting them to be used.. when they are intended to be used.

I'm not saying he is right, as he isn't, and he shouldn't be taking anything of hers anyway, but both things can be true at the same time, he can be a neat person frustrated by clutter and she can be a hoarder feeling frustrated by his insistence that things be got rid off.

The worrying thing about all this is that their relationship seems to have gone broken down to be past the point of communication, and he thinks he has found the solution to her hoarding problem by getting rid of things for her. Obviously it will solve the 'hoarding' problem in the household, but it will not address the reason it happens in the first place.. he's happy as he thinks he's cracked it, it's very unfair on OP though.

I’m not - people keep relentlessly tagging me. Most of which I’ve ignored because they’re repetitive.

She never said that it 'takes up half of the bedroom' at all - she said that her stuff is IN her half of the bedroom. It could be three or four small items that somehow bother him, but as they aren't even in his half, what is his issue?

We don't know how serious OP was being about her "emotional attachment" to things, or even her use of the word hoarder. Her husband is controlling - there is no doubt about that - and she continually shrinks herself to keep him happy. It's possible she's simply using his language here. She may not be a hoarder at all. Just less of a hardcore minimalist than her husband.

When she says she has an emotional attachment to things, she might mean birthday cards or a favourite top. A hardcore minimalist might say "it's just paper" or "you're never going to wear that again" but many of us would keep such things, without having the actual disorder of hoarding. Some level of emotional attachment to things is normal. I keep my birthday cards out for about a month after the day. It doesn't make me mentally unstable, it's just nice to see them for a bit longer.

It was worse than horrendous it was embarrassing to let anyone in.

He sounds like a bully.

Indeed.

It's quite a traditional thing for people to give newborn babies a bottle of whisky as a present to be put by for them to enjoy when they turn 18 - are all of these givers selfish hoarders too?

Condiments stuck out for me. A big orange flag hoarders always save condiments and tins because they last ages and it’s “only been used once”

It’s fine if you want to drink it straight away. But you must know it’s not unusual for people to keep alcohol for months or even years. Loads of people have drinks cupboards or cocktail cabinets with bottles they’ve accumulated over time and maybe only even open when they have guests. It’s normal.

Surely it depends on what it is? Most condiments are heavy on vinegar - the exact substance used to preserve food long term.

Never heard of this!!!!!
And yes id be pissed off if someone wanted me to store a bottle of whiskey for 18 years. I'd say thank you then drink it at some point with dp. If they want to store it on my behalf go for it.
Not particularly sure id want to be presenting an 18 year old with a bottle of whisky anyway for them to get paralytic drunk on! No thanks.

Yes but there's usually some form of contamination eg crumbs that go mouldy