Do you leave meals for grandparents when they're babysitting

[Jellyrose20]

I've just returned to work after mat leave and we have various grandparents helping out with childcare for my baby which I'm very lucky to have.

I'm getting mixed messaged from them as to whether I should be leaving them lunch to have.

Two of them have stated they'll bring their own food as they feel it's unfair to ask me to prepare something.

The other has asked I leave her something in the fridge and has been specific about what they will and won't eat.

I'm happy either way but I'm wondering what the done thing is.

Yabu - I leave them a prepared lunch

Yanbu- I would not prepare them a lunch

My DM looks after the kids at her house so she sorts lunch, etc.

When any grandparent babysits at our house (usually an evening/night), we will offer to sort them dinner or to help themselves to anything in the fridge/cupboards.

As I grandma of 8 I can’t understand the concept of providing free childcare for my grandchild. For me, its looking after my grandchildren whilst their mum and dad are at work.

And be left a meal in return for free childcare? Nope - it would only ever be that I’m in my children’s home and what’s theirs is mine (and vice versa)

I’d have food for sandwiches / snacks in

Yes, if I were to pick DGC up from school and look after them, until DDIL got home from work (8.30 pm approximately), either she leaves something like meatballs in a tomato sauce and pasta; or DS cooks dinner for all of us - he works long hours from home. I have offered to cook dinner, but they do it themselves.

I would ask both what they would like and make sure fridge and cupboards were stocked with their favourites each week, then they can help themselves.

I think it’s weirdly petty of them to ask you to provide specific foods outside your normal shop, but now they have asked it also seems petty to refuse.

We don’t get regular childcare from my parents, but when they do look after our son we just say to help themselves from the fridge or cupboards.

I'd make something that could be used by you if they didn't fancy that (e.g. soup, pasta sauce) and fill the fridge with things they could use to make their own lunch if they preferred that. Tell them to help themselves to whatever they fancied.

I wouldn’t make them something but I’d definitely ensure there was food in the fridge/ cupboard they could easily use eg to make sandwiches, salads etc

I wouldn’t prepare lunch, but would have the food in for them to use.

I don’t think there’s any done thing.

I would probably make sure there’s lunch stuff in but not cook a meal to leave - partly because I wouldn’t eat a cooked meal at lunch time.

But if someone is looking after your kids and wants this then I would say it’s a reasonable thing to ask

I pay £2k per month per DC for childcare so I'd definitely have no issue making sure lunch was available if they are providing free childcare.

As it’s free childcare I’d definitely give them food. I’d ask what they prefer but expect to provide sandwich, crisps and fruit or a jacket potato or soup. Plus a packet of biscuits and their favourite tea.
Won’t cost more than £15 a week for a full week

Whilst that’s very lovely of you, committing to have a child/children every single week all day long whilst their parents work is a lot different to having them for a few hours every so often.

It’s a huge commitment of time and energy and not something that should be disregarded as not being hard work or a huge favour.

Your title is confusing, as 'babysitting' is a very different kettle of fish from 'providing childcare for a full working day + commute'.

However, like several other posters, there's no 'wrong or right' - its something you work out between you.
I personally wouldn't want to be preparing meals for other people, if I were out at work all day, but, OTOH, if I were the Grandparent and traveling to you to provide free childcare, I wouldn't want to be thinking of meals that I needed to buy, prepare, and transport every day.

I would have thought the option of 'having things in' and asking them to make what they want would be the most sensible option - including if that means buying in things you wouldn't normally use. Presumably you know the sorts of things they will / won't eat, so I'd make bigger portions of meals sometimes (curries, chillis, stews, etc) so that was an option some days if they eat those things. But other days I'd have thought they could pull something together from ingredients in your fridge / pantry.

I will preface this by saying my daughter has ADHD and sometimes struggles with anything outside her immediate sphere of attention at the specific time, but:

When she had her first child I changed my hours of work so that I could have one afternoon off a week to look after my grandchild so that she could save on nursery fees. That meant leaving work before lunch so that I could pick him up , take him home and give him his lunch. His lunch was always prepared ready for me to give to him. There was never anything for me! I don't mean that there wasn't a meal prepared waiting for me, I mean that there wasn't even anything I could help myself to. As well as that - the heating was on a timer and didn't come on until the evening. My grandson went to have a nap in the afternoon so he was warmly wrapped up in bed... but I was freezing!

I would very much have liked to have had some lunch left for me, or at least for her to have said to me that there was x y z in the fridge if I wanted it for my lunch. I think a good compromise is for you to provide food for your parents/parents in law to help themselves to if they want.

@DilemmaDelilah Surely you told your daughter to put the heating on told her to have stuff at home so you could make yourself something to eat?

I wouldn't not provide food. I'm more interested in what most people do as the two expectations of the different sets of grandparents feels worlds apart.

When my parents or in-laws used to mind my DC at their own homes (before DCs started school) I always offered to send DC with a packed lunch etc, but they declined the offer.
When they've looked after them here, I've always made sure to have foods they like in the fridge/freezer etc. so they can help themselves should they wish, but they've nearly always brought their own / taken DCs out or had takeaways.

Did you ever ask your daughter if she could change her heating setting or leave some food for you to help yourself to? What did she say?

I provide childcare for my DGC a couple times a week. It's usually in my own home though sometimes at theirs. I'd never expect a meal to be made for me though they always say help yourself if you want anything. I always make myself drinks and I make a sandwich sometimes too. It's just what we have organised that works for us. They are getting free childcare while they work and are extremely grateful that I can do this for them. I don't think there is a right or wrong way regarding food (clearly from the YABU vote that's how it looks). Just do what you can to show your appreciation however that looks and whatever they would appreciate in return for their time.

My mum always helps herself to whatever we have in. Usually a sandwich or crackers, crisps, fruit, snacks.

She wouldn’t expect me to make it in advance. Nor do I leave a lunch for my child, she makes it at the same time as she makes her own using food from our friend and cupboards.

Exactly. Not everything is a transaction. I’m often surprised how rigid people are with their own parents and kids.

Honestly. I assigned them without thinking about which was which as I don't have a string opinion.
Really I think if I leave food in the fridge that's the ideal solution for all, but wanted to get others views.

@Jellyrose20 and @arcticpandas I am autistic myself and I don't like to ask for things so I didn't ask her. I should have done but I didn't want her to feel bad.

I used to have a good friend. She went with her husband to a hobby night once a week.

They had no family, no one who could babysit and very little money. I felt sorry for them.

Their house was a 5 minute drive from my job.
I agreed to finish my 12 hour shift then go to theirs and babysit their baby…. for free.

I arrived around 8pm. They left at 8.15.

Week after week I would arrive to them with a Dominoes pizza each on their lap.
They would then close the lid, put the box on the floor then step over it to go to their joint hobby evening without even offering me a cup of tea KNOWING full well I’d worked 12 hours.
Fridge bare, not even a biscuit after no break while working 12 long hours.

staggered by their total lack of gratitude, thought for me doing them a massive favour, and not even a cup of tea, I made excuses and never went back.
What is wrong with people?
I have no idea if it just never occurred to them or that they were aware but decided it wasn’t anything they had to think about or do.
A slice of fucking toast would have been nice!