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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To work full time when my son starts school?

78 replies

hotchocolatelover1 · 27/05/2025 11:37

I know this may sound like a silly question but I have so much guilt over doing this and wanted to hear what others think and (hopefully) ease the guilt.

I'm currently at uni in my final year and have a graduate job lined up for September working in Parliament. It's a great opportunity career wise and I am looking forward to it a lot, but at the same time, I feel sick to my stomach. For context, I fell pregnant at 19 unexpectedly and am a single mum, dad is hardly involved so not reliable as "support." My family are also not local to me unfortunately so my son will mostly be in breakfast and after school clubs for the foreseeable.

I feel so bad about this because a part of me feels like I'll be failing him when all the other kids get picked up by mum or dad and I'm not there. I'm not sure how true that is re 'all' the kids, I'm sure there are many who use the clubs also, but my brain is just focusing on the ones who don't. I know if I back out of the job and find a part-time, more family friendly role, I won't earn as much and career progression may be more difficult. I am also conscious of building a pension pot as although I am still young, there is a fairly high chance I will remain single forever and I want to be financially comfortable in retirement.

It kind of feels like I'm failing no matter what I do, or maybe that's just my pessimism. Am I being a selfish mother by prioritizing my career over being there for my son? I want him to look up to me as someone who chased her dreams and made a positive impact in life, but at the same time, I don't want him to feel like I abandoned him. Since he was a baby, he's been with me most of the time. Even when I went back to uni, I still only went in 2/3 days a week so neither of us are used to spending 5 days not with one another. I'm worried about it, so if anyone has any encouraging words it would be greatly appreciated!

TIA x

OP posts:
MeganM3 · 27/05/2025 11:41

I would find it really hard too. And not many of the kids are in wrap around care, especially not full every day from reception - being honest with you there so it doesn’t come as a surprise
BUT this job will be the start of providing you both with a much better quality of life for the years ahead.
Yes it isn’t ideal, but it is definitely the right thing to do in this scenario. And it isn’t forever. Once you’re no longer in the graduate role / early career, you’ll have more flexibility and be able to renegotiate hours so you can be there for him a bit more. For now it’s just what you need to do and it’ll be hard and emotional. As you say you haven’t got much choice.
Well done you on securing the role and good luck.

Azandme · 27/05/2025 11:42

Having enough money to be comfortable and having a happy and fulfilled parent are both really good for kids.

I've worked full time since dd was two. She's now 13, very happy, doing brilliantly at school, has hobbies and holiday she wouldn't have if I worked fewer hours.

My dd is very proud of me and what I do, and that makes me happy. My mum worked full time too - so I've been that child. I had a great childhood.

maddening · 27/05/2025 11:42

Realise I was not doing it by myself but we were both in full time work, it was fine. I think the best thing to do if by yourself and working full time is reduce commute as much as possible, for.us it.meant we reduced the amount of time in wrap round care.

GellerYeller · 27/05/2025 11:48

Everyone has the right to make a flexible working request and have it considered against operational needs. Hopefully you won’t need it but I hoped it would be a comfort to you to be aware, if you weren’t already. You sound amazing and I wish you both the very best.

SupposesRoses · 27/05/2025 11:51

You are doing a brilliant thing for your son by maximising your career. Please don’t feel guilty, he’ll be at school and starting to become more independent. Huge congratulations on getting that opportunity, you should be very proud of yourself.

seasonspuzzling · 27/05/2025 11:57

Congrats on the role, that’s exciting - would grab with 2 hands and be as bold as you like !

I’ve worked full time except for the gap between my kids (then 4 days a week) so for me work is the default

This includes travel abroad, nights away, even a couple of weeks away if needs be

Your life is what you make it - there will always be someone else who does something different

The question is whether their opinion matters to you and whether you want to give it any headspace - as realistically unless they want to hand you some cold hard cash and a different job whatever they say is most likely completely irrelevant

Readytohealnow · 27/05/2025 12:04

SupposesRoses · 27/05/2025 11:51

You are doing a brilliant thing for your son by maximising your career. Please don’t feel guilty, he’ll be at school and starting to become more independent. Huge congratulations on getting that opportunity, you should be very proud of yourself.

This
You have done brilliantly, showing maturity and responsibility that most mums in their 30s don’t have and are setting a fabulous example to your son. Take the job. Lucky son with clever mum!

MidnightPatrol · 27/05/2025 12:10

Literally every parent I know in London is working full time and using after school clubs or Nanny’s.

You are 23, don’t give up the opportunity to have a brilliant career now!

Fourteenandahalf · 27/05/2025 12:12

Lots of children go to after school clubs and breakfast clubs. My children go every day. You sound like you've done amazingly!

Bugbeau · 27/05/2025 12:14

I worked full time from my oldest being 6 months old. There was no other option as we couldn’t afford for me to work less hours. It was hard at times, and at the time there were not that many parents in his class working full time (my daughter is 9 and there are much more working and full time working parents in her year group). Sometimes my son was cross I couldn’t pick him up from school (but equally sometimes he was cross if I picked him up too early from after school club)!! He’s now 13 and I can promise you has no ill effects from me working full time. He’s doing well at school, very sociable, still enjoys spending time with me. You’ll be fine and it will all work out. Well done for getting such a great career opportunity!

hedgerunner · 27/05/2025 12:14

Go for the job as it sounds like a great opportunity. See how it goes after a year and the re-evaluate.
there will be lots of kids in wraparound care.

Original poster
hotchocolatelover1 · 27/05/2025 12:22

Thanks so much everyone, a few of these comments have actually brought tears to my eyes. I was initially so happy when I got the offer, but the reality has started to set in and I feel horrible. I know 18 year old me would be proud of herself, but the mother in me feels sad. I am fortunate that my annual leave will be fairly good, so I will start planning some holidays for me and my son as I'm sure that'll cheer me up! x

OP posts:
Kalara · 27/05/2025 12:33

I chose to work 3 days pw all the time my kids were at school. We prioritised having a parent PT at home over income and careers. But we had a few years of FT work behind us, were a few years into a mortgage, and there were 2 of us.

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing, and I'd like to think I would make the same decision in your shoes.

You can always re-evaluate if it really doesn't work, but looking at what you have already achieved I think you will manage very well.

minnienono · 27/05/2025 12:41

It’s doable but you’ll need to have back up and support plans in place, if you don’t have a reliable coparent or family locally it will be friends and paid help- eg I help my neighbour out as she’s a full time working mum and whilst not a single parent he works off shore, middle aged/recently retired women who can do with a bit of extra money can be an invaluable resource (I’m still working as a bit younger but I’d definitely consider after school nannying 2-3 days a week.

Danikm151 · 27/05/2025 12:53

I’ve worked full time since my son was 11 months. I’m a single parent too. It can be done.
he started school in September and he goes to breakfast and after wraparound childcare. They collect him from school, give him tea and do a range of activities. He tells me off if I get there early 😂

some days i work from home so i can drop him to his classroom instead.
weekends we do fun activities… that I can afford because I work full time.
Working full time allows you to have the income to give your child a better life and keep your sense of worth in the working world. This is your career not just a job.

Original poster
hotchocolatelover1 · 27/05/2025 13:00

@minnienono Thank you, I will look into after school nannies as potentially my son may prefer this, I’m not sure. I do have some great friends who I know would drop everything to help me & my son in an emergency, but they all work themselves so I will be relying on paid support for the most part.

OP posts:
Orangetoecat · 27/05/2025 13:04

I went back to work full time when my daughter was 9 months old. I felt guilt because I had a year off with my son and went back part time 3 days. With my daughter I needed the money and a great opportunity came up for my career which would ultimately enhance my children's life. I have plenty of time with them still as I requested condensed hours so work 5 days over 4. I feel that I am showing them determination and responsibility and hope they will be proud of me. Go for it x

PumpkinPie2016 · 27/05/2025 13:10

I worked full time from when I went back to work after maternity leave. I am married so had my husband to do half, but at the time he also worked full time (doesn't now for health reasons).

It was hard at first - mainly because DS was a baby still and not sleeping well- hopefully, your boy being older will help a bit. I got into the swing of it though and he is now 11, absolutely thriving and I have had several promotions at work.

Please don't feel you are not prioritising your son- you have done amazingly well to do your degree and land yourself a brilliant job which will provide for you both! What an amazing role model for your boy! He is young at the moment but when he gets older, he will understand how much you have done for him.

Lots of kids at my son's school use breakfast/after school club and the vast majority love it!

Very best of luck!

User79853257976 · 27/05/2025 13:31

Personally I wouldn’t - mine are tired on their before/after school club days. I wouldn’t want them to have to do it all week. Also, the parents who work full time are less involved and I have noticed some get left out and in turn, their children are left out of parties sometimes, just because others are more familiar.

HedgeWitchOfTheWest · 27/05/2025 13:31

As PPs have said, you have to do what you have to do, and it’s not necessarily detrimental.

Mine were in FT childcare from 6 months, a mixture of childminder and nursery, and then wrap-around from school age till Y6.

I spent years feeling guilty, and would rush to pick them up, only for them to be grumpy that they had to leave before others.

They get to play with friends before and after school. Home and family are far more boring!

They both thrived and are growing up to be well-rounded kids.

Well done on your job, best of luck!

Mandylovescandy · 27/05/2025 13:35

I increased my hours when DC2 started school and felt bad for him as I was still part time when DC1 started. They love the ASC provision though and often ask when I turn up why are you picking me up already. It will be tough at first I think for both you adjusting to it but perfectly normal to need to work full time and lots of kids will have the same experience

Redcliffe1 · 27/05/2025 13:36

Congratulations! The job sounds great. When you say parliament do you mean the House of Commons? As I have friends that work there and they are a great employer- very flexible around working parents. You can also take up to four weeks a year unpaid leave in any job in England which I find really useful.

FedupofArsenalgame · 27/05/2025 13:40

User79853257976 · 27/05/2025 13:31

Personally I wouldn’t - mine are tired on their before/after school club days. I wouldn’t want them to have to do it all week. Also, the parents who work full time are less involved and I have noticed some get left out and in turn, their children are left out of parties sometimes, just because others are more familiar.

So it would be better to live in poverty?

Schweden · 27/05/2025 13:43

You have to do what is best for you. A fulfilling career is likely to provide all sorts of additional benefits than a part time flexible round school hours job.

I have always worked full time since having kids, only took 4 months off, so I will admit to a bias on this, but neither of mine have ever expressed unhappiness at having to go to after school clubs etc. Quite the opposite, it was more time with friends, and me being brought into career days to talk about my role.

Most families I know, both parents have had to work to make life affordable. If you can do it on one, amazing!

SoftPillow · 27/05/2025 13:46

Lots and lots of parents work full time.

You should do what’s best for your family of two, and it sounds as if you’re on an excellent track.

Part time working isn’t much easier than full time and honestly you mostly do the same work for less pay. Once you’re in you’ll likely find they’re fairly flexible. I’ve hardly missed any plays or special events, there’s usually a way to make it all work.

best of luck, you sound like a fantastic mum.