To work full time when my son starts school?

[hotchocolatelover1]

I know this may sound like a silly question but I have so much guilt over doing this and wanted to hear what others think and (hopefully) ease the guilt.

I'm currently at uni in my final year and have a graduate job lined up for September working in Parliament. It's a great opportunity career wise and I am looking forward to it a lot, but at the same time, I feel sick to my stomach. For context, I fell pregnant at 19 unexpectedly and am a single mum, dad is hardly involved so not reliable as "support." My family are also not local to me unfortunately so my son will mostly be in breakfast and after school clubs for the foreseeable.

I feel so bad about this because a part of me feels like I'll be failing him when all the other kids get picked up by mum or dad and I'm not there. I'm not sure how true that is re 'all' the kids, I'm sure there are many who use the clubs also, but my brain is just focusing on the ones who don't. I know if I back out of the job and find a part-time, more family friendly role, I won't earn as much and career progression may be more difficult. I am also conscious of building a pension pot as although I am still young, there is a fairly high chance I will remain single forever and I want to be financially comfortable in retirement.

It kind of feels like I'm failing no matter what I do, or maybe that's just my pessimism. Am I being a selfish mother by prioritizing my career over being there for my son? I want him to look up to me as someone who chased her dreams and made a positive impact in life, but at the same time, I don't want him to feel like I abandoned him. Since he was a baby, he's been with me most of the time. Even when I went back to uni, I still only went in 2/3 days a week so neither of us are used to spending 5 days not with one another. I'm worried about it, so if anyone has any encouraging words it would be greatly appreciated!

TIA x

I went back to work fulltime when mine was 16 weeks old, to a promotion. I was a better mother because of it. Baby went to Nursery fulltime.

Much better getting on the career ladder now and then once you are in and comfortable in your job you can reassess if you want to go part time or put in a request for more flexible hours. It will be so so much harder if you don't start working straight away after your course, just don't waste this opportunity

they are a good employer and you should be able to work flexibly by perhaps doing longer days at home and leaving at 3pm on a Friday or whatever suits you, but might enable you to have one afternoon to be at the school gates / invite kids back for tea etc. They have a great onsite nursery (my knowledge is a bit out of date on this) so I wouldn’t be surprised if they also have great onsite holiday clubs etc.

I think you can make up for not being at the school gate through being proactive on WhatsApp etc.

I’ve returned to work full time when my children were about a year old and was a single parent (both times!) by the time they were 2 so they were both in either full time nursery or wrap around care and they thrived. They had friends in wrap around care and it’s no different from letting your kids out to okay with their mates after school. In fact my son used to be disappointed if I picked him up too early.

It sounds like you are a great mum and have done amazingly well for yourself. Setting an example for your kids important . I wish you every success

Just do it
Ds will be fine
And if he has some weekend with you rather than yet another soft play party he will be fine too!
You are setting up for a career nice holidays etc. Go for it !

No one said that. Ffs - she asked. I gave an honest answer. There is such a thing as part time. If it’s not possible to do that then her child will be fine but it’s not ideal. Also not her fault.

It will be tough as you are on your own, but you will make it work. The quicker you progress, the quicker you can get some flexibility.

I assume you are in London? If so, there will be plenty of other children at breakfast and afterschool club every day

I think you should grab this opportunity with both hands and you should be very proud of yourself while doing so.

Lots of kids go to breakfast and after school club. You might want to also consider a childminder after school. When DD was in reception we only managed to get a place in the after school club a couple of days a week, so she went to a childminder the other days. She picked her up from school and took her to her house. It was more expensive but the childminder made a proper dinner (it was more of a snack at after school club). Saved us cooking for her later. It was one that had her adult daughter work with her, so less chance of it being cancelled if the child minder was unwell

You never know as well - I was worried about my son being in after school club every day but he absolutely loves it! It's his favorite part of the day and on the odd occasion we pick him up early he complains that he didn't get enough time at the club 😂

Congratulations on your job offer, that sounds like an incredible opportunity!

I think that numbers using wraparound care must vary from school to school. At my son's school, full time working parents were fairly normal so he was far from alone, and it was just time to play with friends for the most part. It worked fine, he's 10 now and was happy & settled at school from the start.

I'd suggest that nothing has to be permanent - if you take the job and try it for a couple of terms of him being at school and you're not happy, you can think again. You won't have failed, just learned about what balance suits you both.

And if the idea appeals to you (& depending on the needs of the job), you could try and negotiate an earlier finish on a Friday, so you can pick up straight from school maybe?

My kids are both in wraparound. As they've got older it's reduced though, as our jobs have got more flexible as we have progressed, so we can pick up on some days. And there are more after school clubs (like football or computer etc) that they can do when they are in year 1+ (at our school anyway) so they're in ASC for less time. Also as we've got to know their friends, and neighbours with similar aged kids etc we've had various arrangements where they take the kids to one club one day and we do another day etc. Not loads of people to wraparound every day but there definitely will be others that do.

Also now my kids are old enough, they understand that we can have holidays and nice things etc as a trade off for going to wraparound. When they were younger it was a bit upsetting to be asked why we couldn't pick them up straight after class like their friends...however a lot of those kids are going home to watch TV while their parents finish work anyway so not quality time...and it hasn't done any lasting damage!

Your child should be fine - lots of kids do it. Are you able to work from home a couple of days a week, so you can do pick up and drop off some of the time? If not, you might like to look for a child-minder or after-school babysitter for a couple of days a week, so he has the option to come home, go to the park or have a play-date. Hopefully, the youth mobility scheme will be in place soon and, if you have the space, you could have an au pair. We had au pairs for 12 years and they solved all those guilt and anxious feelings.

All the other kids are not getting picked up by mums and dads.

some are being picked up by grandparents, childminders, going to after school club or getting the bus home

loads of parents work.

of course it’s fine for you to put some priority into your career.

and don’t feel guilty about it either.

You’re an amazing role model and working hard to provide your son with a better life. I was full time as single parent from reception age too. My kids really appreciate how my hard work has provided for them and they admire me

YANBU - as a single Mum, you are shouldering the whole load of a household (earning money, looking after your child, housework) by yourself, as compared to those who can share and divide up those responsibilities as a couple.

You are doing what you need to for yourself and your son. I’m sure as an adult he’ll be really proud of you for everything you’ve done alone for him. Good luck with it all, and congratulations 😊

You are probably the only person in the whole country who has managed to get a graduate job this year.
The big disadvantage working full time is missing things like school plays, sports days and not being able to take DS to after school activities as you won't be home in time.
But you can't do everything.

Bless you. If it helps you feel any better, I don’t really do any of the drop offs and pick ups unless I’m really stuck, we rely on childcare. My son has an EHCP and 1:1 support. We are all about providing those quality opportunities when we are together. Good luck with the job OP

I actually think that it’s a lot better to be more present when kids start secondary. So you could well be in a strong position when that comes around.

Its hard. Life has dealt you a hard hand. But it sounds like you’re making fantastic progress.

It’ll be hard but you are young. Good to lay the groundwork now.

Loads of parents work full time-as long as you have good plans in place it'll be fine.

Check what your school wraparound looks like though. Ours doesn't start till 7.45 am and ends at 4.30 Monday/Thursday so would be no good for those working long hours or needing Fridays. What's your plan for holidays, illness/INSET etc?

I work in a school. It's not true that all parents pick up. And a lot of those kids who do get collected want to go with their friends instead. Feel no guilt.
Spend money on the best afterschool care you can get. Make weekends relaxed and for fun. If that means eg football club then great but no forcing activities for activities sake.
Watch the start of term tho when he starts school - it may be staggered for first 2 weeks or late starts etc.

Make friends with the school receptionists. Understand how to get in touch - ie what they like you to use. Don't ring if he's sick if there's an absence reporting mechanism for example

I went back to work full time when my DS was 4 months. Your child will be fine and you will both reap the benefits of having the money that a good job provides

I worked 4 days p/w when DD1 was little (from the end of my mat leave). When she was in nursery, that felt fine, because all the other children were there for the same reason / parents did drop off and pick ups on the way too or from work.

I found it so hard when she first started school, I felt like I was failing her because she was in breakfast and after school club. The 1 day p/w I picked her up probably made me feel worse, because I saw the other mums there who seemed to know each other and presumably did pick up every day.

My epiphany moment came a few months in when I took her to a birthday party and got chatting to another mum I didn't recognise. I realised that of couture, she wasn't the only one with a working mum (by a long stretch) but I didn't see many of the other mums who were in the same boat- because they weren't doing school pick ups either.

When DD2 started primary school I worked full time.

At nearly 18 and 15, they are both doing well in school, have lovely groups of friends and get involved with interests outside of school. I don't feel like working has done them any harm at all - if anything, I feel it is good to see me having a career rather than feeling women shouldn't work.

*of course, she wasn't the only one.

Your son will thrive with a fulfilled and happy Mum. He will be fine. Honestly.

I was proud of my parents for working full-time. Us kids got loads out of wrap around care. Socialised more with other kids and got to do all sorts that we wouldn't otherwise have done.