To work full time when my son starts school?

[hotchocolatelover1]

I know this may sound like a silly question but I have so much guilt over doing this and wanted to hear what others think and (hopefully) ease the guilt.

I'm currently at uni in my final year and have a graduate job lined up for September working in Parliament. It's a great opportunity career wise and I am looking forward to it a lot, but at the same time, I feel sick to my stomach. For context, I fell pregnant at 19 unexpectedly and am a single mum, dad is hardly involved so not reliable as "support." My family are also not local to me unfortunately so my son will mostly be in breakfast and after school clubs for the foreseeable.

I feel so bad about this because a part of me feels like I'll be failing him when all the other kids get picked up by mum or dad and I'm not there. I'm not sure how true that is re 'all' the kids, I'm sure there are many who use the clubs also, but my brain is just focusing on the ones who don't. I know if I back out of the job and find a part-time, more family friendly role, I won't earn as much and career progression may be more difficult. I am also conscious of building a pension pot as although I am still young, there is a fairly high chance I will remain single forever and I want to be financially comfortable in retirement.

It kind of feels like I'm failing no matter what I do, or maybe that's just my pessimism. Am I being a selfish mother by prioritizing my career over being there for my son? I want him to look up to me as someone who chased her dreams and made a positive impact in life, but at the same time, I don't want him to feel like I abandoned him. Since he was a baby, he's been with me most of the time. Even when I went back to uni, I still only went in 2/3 days a week so neither of us are used to spending 5 days not with one another. I'm worried about it, so if anyone has any encouraging words it would be greatly appreciated!

TIA x

Wraparound care can be absolutely excellent. My kids loved it and were in breakfast and After School Club every day From Reception until around year five. It’s hard as they get older (year six and above) because fewer of their friends go. But mine loved After School Club because it was a couple of hours at the end of the day playing with their friends and doing fun enriching activities. Even now that I work from home and can in theory pick them up at the end of the school day, they still go to After School Club between 2 and 4 times a week depending on what else we have going on. My year six child chooses to go twice a week, even though she can walk home by herself at the end of the day. She likes playing with her friends.

Will you have enough leave for all school holidays, as after school club will only be term time?

Also, check the times for after school club. My DSs is 0800-1730. Is that enough time to get back from work? Also there are limited spaces, so sometimes I can’t get him in ( but I only use it sporadically). But he loves it as they play etc, so he doesn’t mind going.

Congratulations! I had my eldest young and was a single parent for a number of years. Working and following your dreams is a great example to set. I worked full time for most of her youth as those were the only jobs I could find, plus I was building my career. She has an excellent work ethic, just about to start a great graduate job.

TBH I’ve since worked part time (more children with disabilities) and it means full time work and part time pay/less progression!

my advice would be to see if they do flexible working so you could collect them from school finish once a week at least. That way you get direct contact with the class teacher and get to see who their friends are. Apart from that, give yourself a break, and drop your standards! Buy in help as you need it. I paid for school dinners so I’d know she had at least one hot meal a day, that way if we just had something like beans on toast for dinner I wouldn’t feel too bad. Find clubs during the holidays which encourage their hobbies. Use unpaid parental leave if you need to. Know they’ll be tired, as will you, so keep weekends relaxed. And be very, very proud of yourself!

@hotchocolatelover1 have you checked what the times are for wraparound club-does that fit in with your working hours?

Also, get robust childcare plans in place for school holidays (13 weeks) , teacher training days (5 days) and plan what you'll do if your child is unwell.

I can’t advised whether to take the job or not. But in my experience it’s extremely rare for there to be a school class where all the children are being picked up by a parent at home time. I do school pick up 2 afternoons a week and there is a mix of parents, grandparents, childminders, nannies picking children up as well as at least a third of the class going to the after school club - which is where my child goes the other 3 days and has done since reception, and has always been perfectly fine. There are absolutely children in her class who go every morning and every afternoon because of their parents’ working arrangements.

I literally don't know anyone of either sex who has been a SAHP for longer than very brief periods unless there was something that meant they couldn't work -- a child with significant additional needs, illness etc. I find the idea of being guilty about providing for your child absolutely bizarre. DS was in breakfast and afterschool clubs for most of primary school, and to this day (he's a grumpy 13) is nostalgic about them. You are doing something deeply ordinary. Do not even contemplate giving it up.

If it makes you feel better, I retrained as a lawyer after divorce and my first day as a trainee lawyer was also my younger child’s first day at school. Both kids were with childminders etc a lot of the time and I missed many sports days etc. That said, once I was settled in I was more confident in saying please could I leave early/take a half day to attend the nativity play/concert/whatever and these requests were invariably granted no problem. 16 years later I’ve been a partner for a few years. Yes you have to miss out on some stuff as a single parent trying to advance your career. Yes it’s hard. Is it worth it? Yes. For the reasons you outline in your OP. All working parents struggle with this to some degree and as a single parent it’s harder, but you sound like you’re doing everything you can to build a secure future for you and your child - well done, and focus on that when you’re feeling guilty. No one can do it all.

Also I now have a third child in primary school and most of the mums have “big jobs” - surgeons, lawyers, GPs etc. Some have family help, most use the before and after school clubs every day. Do not worry.

@Redlocks30 yes I have checked and they do fit round my hours thankfully.
I will have 5 weeks off the first year and then 6 the following so I am planning on using holiday clubs for some of his holiday and sending him to my mum and dads for some (probably not till he’s a bit older tho) x

break and after school clubs are fine. He will have chance to make new friends, pick up a new interest / hobby. You are doing great!

Just make sure you have a fool proof back up plan for when he is ill.
Make sure you’ve got good holiday car also. Many clubs will not take under 5’s.
and be ready to feel that you’re missing out on stuff, how flexible is work likely to be for things like Xmas plays and sports day?
It’s not the done thing to say so but I do think what you’re planning is going to be hard on your son and hard on you. He’s too little to understand about ‘chasing your dreams’. Parenthood is sacrifice. Just be sure you believe the sacrifices are going to be worth it.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that your part-time schedule is enabled by a partner who works FT.

You were around for his most vital early years up to 3. I had a mum who never worked, never wanted to work and we were constantly skint, lived in a tiny house, never had my own room, it’s not pleasant growing up poor.

Surely that is only for a short period while the parents wield the power of their preferential treatment- once kids are over 8 they will choose who they want - not only the kids of those their mum goes for tea with after school drop off.

I’m a solo parent with two kids who are both younger and whilst I’m at the other end of my career (ie quite senior) as I look at going back to a demanding career I completely get how daunting it can be. The biggest struggle as a parent - particularly when it’s just you - is to remember it’s not your job to provide a perfect childhood to your kids, and anyway no one really knows what that is, it’s your job to love them and provide them with a good enough childhood. You will do some things better and some things worse than other parents - but there is no way I would personally let the short term challenge of them having quite long days prevent me from building a good career in your position. You sound like you’re a great mother overall.

I have never missed a school play, sports day etc etc whilst working full time

I would definitely look into parental leave policies (I can take 4 weeks unpaid per year) to cover some of the school holidays and half terms etc. There aren't always holiday clubs for inset days, strikes etc and short notice care for poorly kids doesn't exist. So I book my unpaid parental leave to cover half terms (as it has to be booked as full weeks) and then I have annual leave to play with for occasional days here and there.

Personally I have found working ft in normal term time ok ish as wrap around fills the gaps but my DC were tired and tearful often especially in the winter when under the weather. It takes a lot of organising to make sure you are eating properly and getting enough rest/clean clothes and uniform etc (buy loads is my tip). But, working and covering school holidays is hell. I still find it hard now and my youngest is nearly 10!

You absolutely are not failing your son. You are doing a wonderful thing. Being a single parent is so hard, but by committing to a professional career you will benefit your son in many ways (including intangible ones). Well done and don't fall into the guilt trap!

Congratulations on your job! It’s a super tough market out there! Your son will be proud of you one day. What did you study?

Stick it out OP once you are established civil service can be very flexible. Try not worry, you are building a foundation for both your futures. It won’t be like this forever.

and well done on uni and the graduate job! That’s so excellent

@hotchocolatelover1 You should be incredibly proud of yourself for securing a graduate job - congratulations! Absolutely seize the opportunity with both hands, you will be far better off establishing your career now, rather than trying to do so when your son is older/in his teens. I went back to work FT when my 2 DC were around that age and used wraparound care. Like PP, my DC would be unhappy whenever I turned up early to collect (and would run off to hide with their friends 🙄) so don’t worry about it. Get the best afterschool care you can afford, WFH some days if you can, make use of unpaid parental leave and/or holiday clubs. I think parents want to feel needed by their DC so some of the sentiments against working FT are less about what their DC need and more about what they need. Personally if you are fully present as a parent when your son is with you, that is more meaningful than trying to make your life revolve around him (it will also be less of a jolt to the system when he wants more independence and prefers to spend time with friends).

Depending on the department you’re joining, it’s best if you agree upfront the hours if you need flexibility and set clear boundaries if you need to leave by a set time (but show willing to finish urgent work, after your son’s bedtime).

'my son will mostly be in breakfast and after school clubs for the foreseeable.'

These basically involve them playing with other kids and both our kids enjoy it.

Houses of Parliament imagine that on your cv. Much too good an opportunity to miss out on.

See if there is any flexible working WFH or finishing early one night to break it up but I would go for it regardless

I’m a single mum and have worked full time since DD was 10 months old. She’s done every kind of breakfast club, after school club and holiday club known to man and she’s fine. I did make sure I went to every school play, parents evening and event at the school, so she knew I was there for her. We have a fantastic relationship and at 16 she’s never felt like she missed out on time with me. If anything, we both make more of an effort when we do have time together. We have a bank of great memories many of which are possible because I have a good job that pays the money to do the things we do.

It's nearly impossible to build a good career part time.

Lots of parents work full time and tbh from
what i've seen have a great relationship with their children. Value their time together.