DH refusing to allow DS to go on play date

[Boomert]

DH works from home 3 days a week and will look after the children when they are home during holidays - children are 8&9.

Often DS is invited to his friend’s house once or twice during the holidays for a play date.

He is refusing to let DS go this half term because DD starts whinging that she’s bored and wants to go to her friends for a play date.
Occasionally that’s feasible but sometimes it isn’t, and if it isn’t, she will become upset.

DH has said it’s too disruptive for his work and doesn’t want to deal with it.

AIBU to think this is massively unfair on DS.

Your kids need to be in childcare or one of you needs to take annual leave.

A nanny……

As he is the one who is looking after the kids it’s his call. If you want to facilitate the play date & sort DD out then great, you do that, but unless you’re offering to do that then don’t criticise. It is infinitely easier to have two kids play together while you try to juggle everything than it is to have a child to entertain on your own.

Or holiday clubs, or a childminder. Many options.

Of course I do. And I’m not precious. But your OH is saying that DS can’t go on a play date because DD is whining. Ergo, he’s relying on his DS to babysit DS. Wrong. Facilitate the play date because that’s what parents do.

So now DS can’t go on a play date because his sister is bored?

Because they don’t like the holiday clubs?

Ah of course a nine year old and an eight year old need constant entertainment and input from an adult and anything else is neglect... 🙄

OP I think your daughter's whining is what needs addressing. It's not always possible to make everything perfectly fair for both kids, and she's not too young to understand that.

THIS. You can't WFH and look after primary age children. This will get WFH taken away for all of us.

Well in our case, if DH needed to be in the office 5 days a week I’d have continued to be a SAHM. ‘What if’ is a bit of a stupid question as that’s not the case anymore as he WFH now.

The people who do it are just doing two things badly.

2 kids who will entertain themselves to an extent it’s possible to WFH
1 kid on there own that needs entertaining making WFH very difficult is the problem

it’s all well and good OP sorting this and thinking DS should go it’s not her who has to deal with the consequences

I don't think your son shouldn't go because your daughter whinges.

Can she find herself a playdate?

We have found a play date for her - they shall both go to the ball!!!

Ok but what about next time one of them has a play date and you can’t arrange one for the other?

Not at 8 and 9, no.

Then they need to pay for childcare, not rely on both children staying home all day and never seeing friends in the holidays.

Honestly I kind of get it. I have a child who can’t entertain himself. But yeah - letting them largely look after themselves while he’s working is the real problem here!

They don’t need constant entertainment, but I found that me being in the house doing housework or similar was totally different to trying to concentrate and do a proper days work, worth the name.

If you’re doing housework you’re still present in a way you aren’t if you’re on line working.

Arrange both play dates at the same time. Then have reciprocal ones back when one of you isn’t working. Or even if you are they’ll maybe play better with someone to be with.

Many posters have forgotten the joys of WFH with kids at home in 2020-2022. If they were ok then they’re damn well fine now, 3-5 years older!

many people struggled terribly with their mental health during lockdown.

I know exactly what he means, I do it, if my eldest is out my youngest will do a lot of TV, but they hate the clubs and we try to make sure there's never two of those days in a row. It's not ideal, but what else can we do?

I’m not someone who thinks you you can’t WFH with a 9 year old. It depends entirely on the personality, maturity and behaviour of the child and the flexibility of the adults job. There are people who have very flexible jobs. I do this regularly over the holidays. My child hates going to holiday club. She goes only when necessary and I tailor my workload around the days when she’s at home. I can start early, I can work late, I can take several hours off in the middle of the day if I need to. Some of us just have more flexibility than others

That being said you do need to listen to your husband if he’s saying he can’t cope. Your arrangement clearly isn’t working and the answer is not to stop one child from having play dates. You need to find someone to look after the other one.

My twins were 9 in 2020 and wfh was shit. We had to do it back then but no, it’s not okay now. Get childcare like the rest of us! (Yes, it’s expensive. Children are expensive!)

obviously the ideal but as op stated and like many others they simply can’t afford it And this is the most doable least worst option