DH refusing to allow DS to go on play date

[Boomert]

DH works from home 3 days a week and will look after the children when they are home during holidays - children are 8&9.

Often DS is invited to his friend’s house once or twice during the holidays for a play date.

He is refusing to let DS go this half term because DD starts whinging that she’s bored and wants to go to her friends for a play date.
Occasionally that’s feasible but sometimes it isn’t, and if it isn’t, she will become upset.

DH has said it’s too disruptive for his work and doesn’t want to deal with it.

AIBU to think this is massively unfair on DS.

Ignore them. Honestly, many kids stay home during half term whether a parent is working or not and entertain themselves. I would help the kids develop a list of ideas for things to do if they haven't already done so. I don't think your son should miss out, and I suspect a little boredom for your daughter won't hurt.

It’s not for 12 weeks though is it? You take annual leave for the rest.

What do you think everyone else if doing? We cobble childcare and clubs, annual leave and parental leave between us. That's your options

It’s not clear if your DH is working on the day in question or not. If he’s not then he can just do something with his DD, if he is but the deal is that he works and the kids look after themselves, then his DD has to do that as that what the pair of you have deemed as suitable.

I don’t see why DS should miss out a) because this highly unsatisfactory arrangement or b) because his sister can’t get a play date arranged as well.

Yeah that doesn’t make it sound any better tbh

And what would you do if he didn’t wfh?

You don’t work from home with 8 and 9 yo kids just knocking about the house in the holidays!

You either book holiday club, take annual leave (separately if needs be) or do a childcare swap with a friend (you take their kids and then they take yours).

This is a complete nonsense that has come up since Covid, people just wfh with young kids in the house. I can wfh in my job so not sour grapes, just wouldn’t do it as it’s not fair on the kids.

Your son should be allowed to go on his play dates, and this should mean your dd getting 121 time with her dad or you.

Why?

What's wrong with the children amusing themselves in their own home?

Their Dad will be around if they actually need anything and presumably to provide lunch and snacks. Apart from that they must have their own toys, games, books, imagination, or theTV. At 8 or 9 I would have thought they should be capable of entertaining themselves, either together or individually, without too much input from their Dad.

I think I would have got short shift from my Mum at that age if I had gone whining to her that I was bored and expecting her to entertain me. Actually I know exactly what would have happened. I would have been handed a duster and some furniture polish and sent off to dust the living room, or a load of brass ornaments to polish, or shoes to clean, or any one of an inexhaustible list of boring chores. One soon learned to keep one's head down and amuse oneself without getting in the way.

Why don't you set up the play dates and leave work and do the dropping off and pickups?

Because you're working?

So is your husband.

Anybody who whines that they're bored gets chores to do.

Lol. If I ever complained of boredom to my dad he would find me chores to do as well.

My 7 year DGS moaned he was bored the other day, the look of horror when I suggested he clean and sweep out his room in that case. Within minutes was building a meccano model

This is the situation all working parents face in the hols. You must have planned for this

Why aren’t they going to holiday clubs?

Of course - everyone knows it!

But it’s not 12 weeks to cover. You must each have 4-5 weeks of annual leave, so you can cover 8-10 weeks with that if you can’t afford holiday clubs.

You’re both using DS as childcare for DD. Sort childcare.

So basically your DS has to miss out because he has to entertain your DD? Cmon op, He’s a kid! This is not on!

What did you do when they were toddlers? Nursery, childminder, one of you wasn't working? Whatever the cost of that was, it will be more than holiday clubs.

Also they’re really shit. My kids would FAR rather be at home than a holiday club! I paid £100 last half term for ONE DAY for my 2 kids to go to a holiday club, one of the better ones locally, at a health club, they could go swimming etc. They hated it!

Your DH’s job sounds like my husband’s OP. People don’t get it if they’re not used to flexible working like that. DH will also often start very early, be in charge of when he works throughout the day, and then either work late or delegate.

But holidays are not a surprise, are they? You use your holidays, plus clubs, friends, reciprocal babysitting etc. That’s what everyone has to do.

This! 100%

How? My DH has long patches where he has no meetings and can fully focus on the kids. You don’t leave your kids alone for 1-2 hours on a weekend? You’re being incredibly precious.

So what would you be doing if COVID and WFH hadn't happened?

No wonder employers are trying to get people back to the office.

Everyone knows how expensive childcare and holiday clubs are.

The holiday club would just be for DD on the odd days when DS has other plans though, not every day of all the holidays for both kids which would yes cost a bomb!

I think your DH is telling you he can manage them together but her alone negatively impacts his work then I think you need to listen to him. Unless you’re prepared to take time off or can WFH yourself to help out then it isn’t really your call to make. I would urge the holiday club though because it would be a shame for DS to miss out because his parents are working and he’s needed as the unpaid sitter for his younger sister.

You need to get a nanny. Unfair for H to be minding him while working. You stay at home if you want to facilitate play dates.

One of us would take annual leave or family would help out.
There was one excellent holiday club they would go not but the person who ran it moved away. We tired 2 or 3 different holidays clubs but they were pretty awful, so we stopped.