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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To the people in very long relationships

83 replies

Istheremore · 26/05/2025 10:35

I was following another thread from someone who wants that first love kind of experience again and often feel a bit sad I'll never have that crazy first few months of dating again (texting nonstop teenage type love) I've been with my husband 10 years, we have children.. we've had a lot of ups and downs, but we are finally "normal" no mad fights or drama. Just happily getting on with life. I love him, he loves me, we have great sex when we have it, I fancy him, but honestly can't be bothered with sex much.

Is this kind of it? We've made it?
I'm mid 30s if this helps, we both done partying, one night stands, LIVED well before we got in a relationship I have 0 desire to go back to any of that either.

OP posts:
FrodoBiggins · 26/05/2025 10:37

I'm not sure what you're missing or what you want. Just text him more often?

DarkForces · 26/05/2025 10:38

I got married in my early twenties and have now been with dh for over half my life. I definitely miss the butterflies and first kiss feeling but I wouldn't swap what we have for a fleeting moment. After all you can only have that first kiss once!

maximalistmaximus · 26/05/2025 10:39

If you’re only mid 30s and only been together 10 years and already do y want sex with him this isn’t going to last happily.

justkeepswimingswiming · 26/05/2025 10:39

I’ve been with my partner for 19 years, you just need to make a bit of effort that’s all.

neverbeenskiing · 26/05/2025 10:41

I don't think I understand what you're asking. Are you saying you're not happy with how things are between you and wanting to improve things or the opposite?

KimberleyClark · 26/05/2025 10:43

Been with my husband 35 years. We’ve always made the effort to keep the romance going. We have no children which I guess helps with that.

Original poster
Istheremore · 26/05/2025 10:44

I dunno what I'm really after in this post lol
I think I'm just one of them people that are always wanting more.. even though the chances of me getting a better husband would be 0 and I don't want another husband lol is this just marriage.. it's no all exciting is it. After reading the last lady saying she finds her husband annoying even though there marriage kinda sounds normal? My husband annoys me daily, so do the children to be fair but I wouldn't get rid of them lol

What kind of things do you do to make more effort and keep the spark going?

OP posts:
Original poster
Istheremore · 26/05/2025 10:45

I just don't want to get to the stage of hating my husband's breathing

OP posts:
DarkForces · 26/05/2025 10:47

We try to do new things together and find that helps keep things fresh. It might be a long walk exploring, a meal out in a restaurant we've never tried before or a murder mystery or escape room. Breaking out of the routine every now and again.

I also still tell him why I value him and love him when I get the chance, hold his hand, cook something special... and he does the same. Be the mirror that you want reflected back. I'm sure I irritate dh and he irritates me but I put my focus on appreciating his many good points rather than letting my brain go over the little things. The big picture is great

KimberleyClark · 26/05/2025 10:48

Istheremore · 26/05/2025 10:45

I just don't want to get to the stage of hating my husband's breathing

What makes you think that could happen?

Original poster
Istheremore · 26/05/2025 10:53

@KimberleyClark reading the other post, where everything seemed good in that ladies marriage, but she really doesn't like her good husband. So our relationship has always been full of drama, been together 10 years, had 4 kids, a marriage, a separation, back together just a lot going on all the time and the last 3 years have just been normal.. no drama, not much excitement.. just what I'm thinking is normal lol but like I said I always want more. So I'm probably just being ridiculous and need some advice on how we keep things from going stale and boring.. leading to me finding him annoying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Istheremore · 26/05/2025 10:54

@DarkForces thank you, Im aware I'm not making much sense but that's the kind of thing I wanted to hear lol

OP posts:
AnchorWHAT · 26/05/2025 10:54

Been married 35 years and together 18 months before that. I still get butterflies about seeing him if hes been away, still fancy him, love and respect him and hes the same with me. Yes we had tough times especially when our two boys were young but we have shared so many good and bad times together i just cannot imagine being without him. Would i like more romance and feeling like someones princess? Yes of course but when we have those moments i treasure them. Its easy To let things slip into a rut but now our boys have fled the nest and we have retired we each pursue our own interests but also make lots of effort to get out and about together and we both like to travel so we spend quality time together for weeks on end doing that too. Ive just got in from the gym, he's brewing beer and later we are off out for dinner with his nephew and his girlfriend. Its important to make time for fun together as well as the boring routine of daily life and chores.

noworklifebalance · 26/05/2025 10:54

I definitely miss the butterflies and first kiss feeling

I think this is why affairs happen - this feeling is so powerful, strong and intoxicating.
A happy marriage does have strong feelings of love but I don’t think it can have the same heady hormonal feelings as early lust. A strong marriage is worth so much more.

LoveSandbanks · 26/05/2025 10:55

Istheremore · 26/05/2025 10:45

I just don't want to get to the stage of hating my husband's breathing

Me and my husband wfh - often both in a small office. It's quite common for one of us to say "could you stop breathing!" Its said in jest (mostly)

Next month we'll celebrate 25 years of marriage. We annoy each other from time to time but we love each other and are each others biggest cheerleader. The first flush of new love is exciting but it "doesn't have your back". It disappears in sickness. New love is there for the good times. I can't imagine anything worse than those early days of wondering "is he into me?"

knittasgonna · 26/05/2025 10:56

I don't think many relationships can feel like new love again, but that's a hormone-fuelled experience that isn't meant to last forever. You may be able to revisit it by remembering the best bits of your story and finding ways of surprising one another or doing new things together, or just taking the time to appreciate the way that you're still there for each other in little ways that mean a lot.

Mainly, love develops into something different over time, but for all the thrill of new love, I wouldn't want to trade what I have now. I've been married nearly 24 years. Getting annoyed at times is normal when you spend so much time with anyone. it doesn't mean you won't still be in love or actually can't stand one another.

Barbiewhirl · 26/05/2025 10:56

You can find excitement and the enjoyment of getting to know new people outside of a sexual relationship. Maybe join a club or activity? It also takes work even in really good relationships to not stagnate a bit and take eachother for granted. We make sure we go on dates just the 2 of us regularly.

DarkForces · 26/05/2025 10:59

Istheremore · 26/05/2025 10:54

@DarkForces thank you, Im aware I'm not making much sense but that's the kind of thing I wanted to hear lol

It sounds like you have a successful marriage. Keep on loving, try to keep things fresh and say at least 10 positive things for every negative. It's not too hard to keep things on a steady course but does take both of you putting in the effort. Dh reciprocates the effort I put in and this is essential for it to work. I try not to get complacent but I probably am a bit. We also really support the things that are important to us as individuals and he's really stepped up in the house now my career has taken off again.

Didimum · 26/05/2025 11:00

Istheremore · 26/05/2025 10:45

I just don't want to get to the stage of hating my husband's breathing

I think ageing and menopause can often come with hating everyone’s breathing!

EllasNonny · 26/05/2025 11:01

At ten years married I was only 33. It was all still butterflies, hearts and flowers. We were expecting DC2 so it was all still exciting. Plus, I was healthy.
I'm now 53, with a life limiting condition, DC are adults and although I don't regret marrying DH, I'm so exhausted by life that I'd quite like a reset there.
I know I wouldn't have the energy to train a new model and looking at DFriend's dating experiences, I wouldn't want to dip my toes in that cesspool.

Didimum · 26/05/2025 11:01

maximalistmaximus · 26/05/2025 10:39

If you’re only mid 30s and only been together 10 years and already do y want sex with him this isn’t going to last happily.

Or just in the thick of having young kids and working

ColinOfficeTrolley · 26/05/2025 11:01

I've been with my husband for nearly 25 years.

It's funny because we were just chatting last night (after a few glasses of wine), about how much we are so glad that despite a very low low after we had a baby 16 years ago, and I was pissed off he wasn't pulling his weight and we very VERY nearly split up, that we worked through it and are still together.

We have such a lovely life now and I would say we are best mates and I love him so much.

I might still be a leetle bit drunk lol x

Original poster
Istheremore · 26/05/2025 11:05

Thank you this is what I need to hear. I spent to much time on Mumsnet reading all the negatives about men and relationships.. it's so lovely to hear good relationships aren't the movie lust.

OP posts:
MoominMai · 26/05/2025 11:06

noworklifebalance · 26/05/2025 10:54

I definitely miss the butterflies and first kiss feeling

I think this is why affairs happen - this feeling is so powerful, strong and intoxicating.
A happy marriage does have strong feelings of love but I don’t think it can have the same heady hormonal feelings as early lust. A strong marriage is worth so much more.

This pretty much. Also, bottom line is you get back what you put in. Those rip each others clothes of stage of course can’t last forever. The energy is still available though so it’s up to you how you harness that and what activities you do with each other to keep your relationship alive. I honestly think that it’s very rare for an older 50+ LT couple to still have butterflies and ‘just naturally’ be going strong. Most people do have to work on still continuing to ‘like each other’ same as they do with working on their kids and jobs. It’s very easy to drift and get comfortable in that space as you age so you need to actively mitigate against that I guess.

Helloandgoodmorning2 · 26/05/2025 11:06

Remember love is a verb. As a previous poster said, be the mirror. Give love, always, often, unexpectedley. The first two years in a relationship are the honeymoon times, it is only after that that the real love begins. Deep, commited, trusting love is far more powerful.