To the people in very long relationships

[Istheremore]

I was following another thread from someone who wants that first love kind of experience again and often feel a bit sad I'll never have that crazy first few months of dating again (texting nonstop teenage type love) I've been with my husband 10 years, we have children.. we've had a lot of ups and downs, but we are finally "normal" no mad fights or drama. Just happily getting on with life. I love him, he loves me, we have great sex when we have it, I fancy him, but honestly can't be bothered with sex much.

Is this kind of it? We've made it?
I'm mid 30s if this helps, we both done partying, one night stands, LIVED well before we got in a relationship I have 0 desire to go back to any of that either.

Funny story from a friend of mine: Her DH used to work away a lot. He'd been away for several weeks, was due to arrive home while she was at work.

Looking forward to him being home when she got home from work, she put on her best sexy undies - we talking the whole works: black lacy bra, stockings, suspenders, thong & a coat dress that unbuttoned down the front in preparation to greet her DH.

Unfortunately she had a serious car accident on her way to work & they had to cut all this off her in A&E. She was mortified that they saw all her sexy undies. 😂

@Idratherreadabookthanks ohhh no! 😂that's my kinda luck.

I think that there are stages and you'll eventually have the stage of no children. Having young children means that you often don't notice that you haven't got much of anything outside of daily life, seeing to the children'sneeds etc. A lot of my female peer group (56-65) are finding that they get more out of friendships and their own interests, than their DH. In some cases their DH's haven't liked the new independence that they have. It's important to not just exist for your children. As you both age, keep a solid connection and make sure you like the people who you are aging into.

From the moment that we first decided to TTC it seemed that DH only had to look at me before I was PG😂Every time I came off the pill in preparation for next baby - wham, guess what? We both got sterilised after baby no 4 as I wasn't going to risk baby no 5, 6 or 7😉

Yes, I'm lucky in my marriage, but I suspect that having run a business together helped as we had to discuss things.

The mess is still a bit of an issue - I do wish he would learn to put things away - sometimes it seems like he's left a trail of destruction behind him! But he's not going to now is he & we could have worse problems! From his POV I'm probably rather fussy about it.

In DH's defence, he's had to clean toilets used by the public, in an emergency, when sometimes left in a VERY gross state 😱, he is very considerate about his lavatorial habits & cleans the toilet & puts the seat down afterwards. He's also fussy about the kitchen being 'shut down' & cleaned, work surfaces clear & cleaned, dishwasher packed etc before we go to bed, but that will be his chef's training.

As PPs have pointed out, the "butterflies" phase of a relationship is, by definition, not meant to last forever. What you're talking about here is basically mating incentivisation behaviour. Dress it up as romantically as you like but from a biological perspective its designed to persuade the two of you to have as much sex as possible to conceive children. If you have children and a stable life, it's never going to be possible to sustain that.

Whether or not that's "enough" for you depends on what you want. When I was in my 30s it probably wouldn't have been enough for me and I chased that feeling again and again. After a while, though, you figure out that you're essentially replacing one type of "buzz" for another one and they are never that sustainable.

Now, in my 50s, I'm fine with a stable, more or less happy long term relationship with sex but without fiery passion. I don't have the time or energy for it any more, there are other things I'm more interested in, its destabilising and time consuming and its not really compatible with raising teenagers.

A good relationship will settle eventually into some sort of equilibrium. That doesn't mean giving up sex and it certainly doesn't mean giving up respect and friendship, but over time a long relationship isn't really compatible with buzz chasing.

This is one of the many reasons I think getting married young is generally a bad idea. Most people in their 20s haven't really worked this through their system and have many years of "buzz chasing" and "what could have been" still in them. Far better to wait to put this past you before settling down.

Married life having gone from first date thrills to slightly dull contented companionship doesn't mean that it's on a downhill slope to hating his breathing. Contented companionship is of itself a lovely state, one that can last for decades. Communication is key. Talking to each other, listening to each other, discussing both the good things and the challenges. If you're bored, talk together about what you both want. Find a way forward.

Hating his breathing is not an overnight thing. It comes from weeks, months, years of drawing apart, taking each other for granted, each not feeling the other makes any effort for them, each not feeling the other is worth the effort.

It is not inevitable.

In answer to your question I would say to keep talking.

When we had small children, it seemed that we would have sex & 'bingo' another is on it's way & I didn't feel at all like sex when I was heavily PG - since I'm rather small (only 5') all my babies were big ones, my first son was 8lbs 13oz, my daughter (3rd child) was the smallest at 7lbs 9oz, my 4th (3rd DS) was 9lbs 11oz & had to be a caesarean as he was anterior & so large. With 3 children under the age of 5 sex didn't really happen. We were both too exhausted, which may explain the gap between number 3 & number 4 (10 years) 😉

However, you need to keep working on your relationship with your DH as there will be a time when you don't have children around - and before that they will become more independent.

Keep telling each other how much you love them & what you admire about them.

Tell your DH when he's looking good. Recognise what he does - even if it's unpacking the dishwasher, bathing the children whatever, by saying 'oh I've noticed that you've unpacked the dishwasher' or 'the children love it when you bathe them/read them a story'. Yes, he's their father & it's his job, but to be recognised is giving positive feedback that he's being a good father & husband & we all need to be told when we're doing a good job.

We have been together nearly 40 years! We’ve never been a fireworks going off couple really, although we’ve always loved doing romantic things together. But when we first met our lives had been pretty turbulent, and we both felt, after our first date, a kind of “phew, I can relax” feeling. And we still feel that now. One thing I can really recommend is doing separate things. Going out with other people, having different hobbies, sometimes going away alone. It’s exciting to do that-and lovely coming back together again and closing our door on the world.