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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To the people in very long relationships

83 replies

Istheremore · 26/05/2025 10:35

I was following another thread from someone who wants that first love kind of experience again and often feel a bit sad I'll never have that crazy first few months of dating again (texting nonstop teenage type love) I've been with my husband 10 years, we have children.. we've had a lot of ups and downs, but we are finally "normal" no mad fights or drama. Just happily getting on with life. I love him, he loves me, we have great sex when we have it, I fancy him, but honestly can't be bothered with sex much.

Is this kind of it? We've made it?
I'm mid 30s if this helps, we both done partying, one night stands, LIVED well before we got in a relationship I have 0 desire to go back to any of that either.

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Istheremore · 26/05/2025 12:37

I just wanted some advice how you all keep things a bit exciting and how you made thru the young kid years.

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Bumblebeestiltskin · 26/05/2025 12:37

Mid 30s and can't be bothered with sex? Yikes. Does your husband feel the same?

I'm late 40s and couldn't deal without regular sex. I was in a LT relationship (12 years) that ended in my late 30s, and we were still having sex 5 or 6 times a week. I actually only stayed with him that long because our sex drives were perfectly matched.

ChandrilanDiscoDroid · 26/05/2025 12:38

noworklifebalance · 26/05/2025 12:34

I absolutely do not dream of being single!

Lolsame. Other people can speak for themselves, and I do dream of time to myself sometimes, but 1) DH helps me to get it 2) I live with my best friend and lover who supports me and knows me inside out and backwards, I'm never lonely, and I get regular great sex. (Plus he's the only person in the world as obsessed with the DC as me.) Like fuck would I want to be out there dredging the godawful dating pool.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 26/05/2025 12:40

DP and I have been together almost 20 years, and have a daughter turning 18 this year. And we love each other, and we're happy.

I'm not going to lie and say it's exciting, of course it's not. After 20 years there's absolutely nothing either of us could do that would surprise the other.

And I'm not going to say I don't occasionally miss the excitement. That feeling of getting to know someone new, finding out what makes them laugh, exploring their body, falling head over heels for them. Just discovering someone new.

But sooner or later that feeling goes away, to be replaced (if you're really lucky) by what I have now. Strong, supportive love with someone you want to spend every day with, who you miss when they're not there (not immediately mind, I love the first couple of days of solitude when she goes away), who you know will stand with you against whatever the world throws at you.

DPs sister will never be in a long term relationship. The first few she had were with such dickheads that it was all drama, all the time, and now she can't separate love from drama. Whenever she meets a nice guy it fizzles out because she gets bored unless they're constantly arguing, or breaking up and making up. (This comes from her by the way, I'm not psychoanalyzing her). She desperately wants what me and DP have, while simultaneously thinking what me and DP have is is the most boring thing on the planet.

It's a trade-off, and I'd much rather the side of the trade that's a bit less exciting, but where I'm happy.

TeenLifeMum · 26/05/2025 12:53

Been with dh since I was 19 - 24 years this summer. I was sat in dc’s school hall for a presentation and saved dh a seat next to me. He walked in across the large hall and I saw a hot man out the corner of my eye that made me double take… then realise it was dh. I still love having sex with him but not as regularly or the long sessions we used to. We’ve been through life’s ups and downs together but never been up and down with each other. He really is my rock. I know it sounds cheesy but he’s also my best friend, my cheerleader and the one I laugh hardest with.

Istheremore · 26/05/2025 12:56

@TeenLifeMum that's so sweet. Yeah I get that with my husband when I see him.. thinking he's the hottest man too. Id love to have a higher sex drive but I'm just so tired 😩

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noworklifebalance · 26/05/2025 13:17

Istheremore · 26/05/2025 12:56

@TeenLifeMum that's so sweet. Yeah I get that with my husband when I see him.. thinking he's the hottest man too. Id love to have a higher sex drive but I'm just so tired 😩

But that’s normal when you have young children and are working - don’t beat yourself up about it and and don’t start thinking that the grass is greener.

RosesAndHellebores · 26/05/2025 13:29

36 years. Married at 31 and 29.

There has never been any drama.
Marriage is about compromise, deep understanding and seeing each other through difficult times: bereavement, Illness, etc. It's about always being on the same team and rooting for each other.

Love deepens and I love my DH more than I loved him 36 years ago and it was at first sight. More even than yesterday. It's about realising hopes, overcoming disasters and mutuality.

I don't think either of us has hankered for excitement. We're steady people. I don't think I've ever felt dissatisfied with him or my life.

ChandrilanDiscoDroid · 26/05/2025 13:38

Istheremore · 26/05/2025 12:56

@TeenLifeMum that's so sweet. Yeah I get that with my husband when I see him.. thinking he's the hottest man too. Id love to have a higher sex drive but I'm just so tired 😩

I know how that feels, truly, but my advice is that it is worth scheduling sex every once in a while and doing your best to make the time and give yourself a chance to get in the mood. It's hard to keep that connection alive through the early little-kid years but it's worth it.

Oneearringlost · 26/05/2025 13:50

OP, do you make each other laugh?

DH and I have been married 31 years; together for 36 years.

He still makes me laugh, a lot! I found myself in tears of laughter a couple of weeks ago, at something he said...that is drama in itself!

We don't want butterflies and intoxication anymore, we just look forward to seeing each other, sharing simple, happy moments, sharing news, political beliefs and disagreements...seeing friends, eating; laughter is definitely seductive, and I don't mean erotic, necessarily, just binding, secure.

Missj25 · 26/05/2025 13:54

AngelinaFibres · 26/05/2025 12:21

Married people dream of being single. Single people dream of being in a relationship.

That’s the best quote I’ve heard for a long time PP
We’re never happy 😂 😂

mindutopia · 26/05/2025 14:08

I think this is about you being comfortable with life not always being exciting and constant highs or lows.

If you’ve only been together 10 years and in that time you’ve had 4 children and a separation and a reconciliation 😳 your whole relationship sounds like it’s been highs and lows from the start. There’s never been an easy coasting along period for more than a short time.

It could very well be that you both thrive on drama and there isn’t much to hold you together when it’s not chaos. Some relationships are like this, especially if it was drama and babies very soon after you met. Otherwise, you have to kinda learn to love the boring.

Long relationships are a lot about mutual respect and appreciation and being able to get on with life side by side and know the other has your back and you can trust them completely. They aren’t date nights and excitement and passion - not to say, you don’t still experience those things sometimes, but it’s different, especially once you chuck small children in the mix. You have to learn to love the mundane and not the thrill.

Istheremore · 26/05/2025 14:12

@Oneearringlost yeah we have a greta marriage... We laugh nonstop, have our little inside jokes, have fun all the time. He helps with the kids and house... Can't fault him really. I'm just not use to that secure normal (what I regret saying boring earlier lol)

I think reading the negatives all the time about men I kind of expect mine to go wrong. Then the lady's post about how her life with her husband is good but she doesn't like him got me thinking.. am I in a relationship like hers or is it quite normal. Is it meant to be lust all the time.

I lust my husband but I'm to tired to act on it lol

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Bumblebeestiltskin · 26/05/2025 14:18

Oh, so it's not that you don't like sex/him? I'd say that's absolutely normal and you'll get more sleep/less tired as the years go on 😂 Sounds like you have a lovely, loving relationship.

AutumnOcean · 26/05/2025 14:20

OP I could've written your first post, it's so similar to my life!

We've started travelling again (I know this may not be an option for you with kids) and we've started putting together a bucket list of things we'd like to do together when we're older (for example there's a particular animal sanctuary we'd like to go volunteer at). Having things like this in place helps us feel excited and talk about our future. Not sure if this is something that could help you?

But I totally get you. If you've had a dramatic upbringing and your life has always moved at a fast pace it can be really strange when suddenly you're in the routine of real life. It doesn't mean you hate your life, it's just different. And it's ok to feel how you do.

I'm also mid-late 30s and wondering if hormones are also playing a role 😅

Istheremore · 26/05/2025 14:29

@AutumnOcean thank you! Someone who gets it.. I've jumped from thing to thing now it's just so still lol I definitely think making a bucket list is a great idea! I'm going to get on to this! X

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Istheremore · 26/05/2025 14:30

@Bumblebeestiltskin ahaha yes I want to have sex till it's time to have sex.. then my energy is 0. But then like it when it gets going lol 4 kids all under 10 is exhausting lol

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Idratherreadabookthanks · 26/05/2025 15:27

Married for 38 years, 4 children, 7 GC & another due in September. Like all couples we've had our ups & downs, but no serious arguments, just 'spats' or heated discussions. If one of us is pissed off with the other one, we will discuss it calmly as it's best to bring these things out into the open rather than let them fester.

We recognise and accept that neither of us is perfect and it's our imperfections (as well as the positive things) that make us who we are. For example: he's rather messy & I'm a bit of a tidy freak. I've learned to be a bit more relaxed about his bedside cabinet being covered with piled-up half-read books, change, keys, penknife & other useful items usually kept in his pockets, packets of medication, various chargers & his 'open plan wardrobe' (eg: a chair with sundry items of clothing placed on it) - I will blitz it every so often & he will complain that he can't find anything, forgot to take his tablets or forgot to charge his phone/iPad/razor because I'd tidied up.

We've always told each other how much we love each other several times a day and why. We show appreciation for each other recognising when one has done something well or when one does something nice for the other. DH frequently tells me how good I'm looking, notices my clothes hair etc. Sometimes he will joke that he's concerned about letting me go out of the house on my own as he says I'm looking so gorgeous. He frequently sends me flowers for no particular reason - just because.

We encourage each other to spend time with our own friends away from each other as friendships away from the relationship are important.

Most of all, DH is my most favourite person in the world - the person who makes me laugh, knows when to give me a cuddle, knows when to just leave me alone or when I need to talk. He says that I'm the same for him. He's a great dad, used to work 7 days a week in our own catering businesses (we had 5 outlets - a couple of restaurants & 3 take-aways), but he found the time to watch the children playing sports, took them on outings, attended school plays and (unless it was a Bank Holiday weekend when we were particularly busy) made sure that he was home to read bedtime stories - even if he did fall asleep whilst doing this - which he did on more than one occasion. Now he's a fabulous granfur (Grandfather to those not from Devon or Cornwall) & loves chasing GC around, playing cricket & rounders on the beach, arranging barbeques on the beach or in our garden. We have GC to stay during school holidays & he's fabulous with them: cooking, playing board games, long walks with our dogs, helping in the garden & with our chickens, ducks & (at the right time of year) feeding the orphan lambs that we take on as well as visits to local attractions. No phones or computer games are allowed at Nanny & Granfur's house, they are left behind with mum & dad.

OK sex isn't as frequent as it was in the beginning, though more frequent than when we ran our businesses & had 4 children to run around after! I'm 63 & he's 70 & we still fancy the pants off each other & still retreat to the bedroom for the afternoon for a steamy session a couple of times a month. We probably have sex 1-2 times a week, but sometimes seem to be particularly horny & have it every day for a few weeks.

CarrieLite · 26/05/2025 15:38

Do you not just have a bit of FOMO? Are your kids young? I've been with my DH since I was in my mid-teens (now 47), and we still kind of have that rush of first love excitement. It definitely dimmed a lot when the kids were little, but now they're grown, it's come back in a massive way.

Idratherreadabookthanks · 26/05/2025 15:39

Istheremore · 26/05/2025 14:30

@Bumblebeestiltskin ahaha yes I want to have sex till it's time to have sex.. then my energy is 0. But then like it when it gets going lol 4 kids all under 10 is exhausting lol

OMG darling - I so get you, I had 3 under the age of 5 at one stage, my 4th was a bit of a <happy> accident & came when my (then) youngest was 10.

You're all up for it, but somehow having a little sleep or just a cuddle is the preferable option. Don't worry, the children will grow up & you'll get your MOJO back - see my post above. 😘

Reallyyyyyy · 26/05/2025 15:42

Been with my dh 17 years. I still get butterflies. We have 4 kids. Especially if he goes away for work, I miss him so much and I get so excited when he's coming back. He only goes away every couple of years or so, so not very often.

Can you spend some more one on one time together?

VickiFromAmsterdam · 26/05/2025 15:47

KimberleyClark · 26/05/2025 10:48

What makes you think that could happen?

Everyone on here appears to have the breathing thing.

Doggielovecharlotte · 26/05/2025 15:52

I would deepen your love

overcoming challenges and obstacles

Istheremore · 26/05/2025 15:52

@Idratherreadabookthanks thank you, your marriage sounds lovely! My number 4 was also happy accident.. number 3 was only 7 months old, and number 2 was 3.. when I got pregnant lol
My husband is definitely my best friend but drives me nuts with his mess also lol xx

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Istheremore · 26/05/2025 15:54

@CarrieLite yeah they are 2,3, 6,8. So all need a lot of attention and make a lot of mess lol

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