To the people in very long relationships

[Istheremore]

I was following another thread from someone who wants that first love kind of experience again and often feel a bit sad I'll never have that crazy first few months of dating again (texting nonstop teenage type love) I've been with my husband 10 years, we have children.. we've had a lot of ups and downs, but we are finally "normal" no mad fights or drama. Just happily getting on with life. I love him, he loves me, we have great sex when we have it, I fancy him, but honestly can't be bothered with sex much.

Is this kind of it? We've made it?
I'm mid 30s if this helps, we both done partying, one night stands, LIVED well before we got in a relationship I have 0 desire to go back to any of that either.

I understand you OP. I was with ex for 20+ years and we split up.

I have been with DP for coming up to 3 years and when we got together it was amazing, lots of passion, texting, sex, and the wonderful feeling of being in love. 3 years later we are still very passionate and have a lot of sex (we are in our 50's!) and i adore the arse of him.

But, i miss the other side of it. 20+ years with my ex, i knew him inside out, we knew everything about each other, how we worked and what made us click. I am getting there with DP but it takes time

When i am with DP's mum she is telling me about some sage with his cousin or his uncles wife brother and i honestly have no clue who they are. She talks about people and i have never heard of them. Whereas with the 20 year relationship i knew who everyone was and what the history was with them.

Been together 21 years, married 15, two DC.

Two thoughts:

1. You will never get the heady will-we-won't-we hormonal-buzz mutual obsession stage back. It is by its nature fleeting. But there is so much else to value in a long, good relationship - the intimacy you have built, the way you've been a team through challenges, the strength and solidity of what you have. Nobody knows me like DH does, or ever has. The length of our relationship has turned out to have unexpected pleasures and strengths. We do make an effort to keep our connection alive despite the mundanity of work and family life - we go out for coffee together, see shows, weekends away when we can swing the childcare. Reminders that we are two adults who love and fancy each other and have tons of fun together. And the early stages were also full of uncertainty and loneliness, because we didn't yet know each other or how things would work out. I'd take this over that any day.
2. You seem to maybe be one of those people who seems drama as proof of passion. Evidently you didn't doubt you wanted your relationship in the years in which you were fighting and breaking up. Why? Those are bad things, and symptomatic either of a fundamental mismatch or poor communication and problem-resolving skills. Breaking up and making up all the time doesn't make you a love for the ages. It just makes you exhausting to be around. If that is how you feel, you're probably going to need to unpack it in therapy.

You think about your life without him and practice gratitude. Unless you don't want him anymore?

I think situations and feelings change often. Thats why love is a choice. I go through periods of feeling like this and no doubt he does too, but its a choice to stay and not stray. Last month i felt exactly like you, but this month he’s been working long hard hours coming back looking like an absolute greek god and I can’t get enough of him 😂

I know a man , married , who like you missed those exciting feelings of when you first meet someone ..
The messaging , flirting, excitement leading up to a date & now he has a mistress & sees others when the opportunity arises ..
That doesn’t sound exciting to me , infact I think it’s quite sad .. He has a nice wife , nice life with their children..
To have it all but it’s still not enough…
I’m sure OP that wouldn’t be for you either ..
So if you were ever to act on your feelings, think twice ..
You sound to me , like you also have it all x

@ChandrilanDiscoDroid I think your right my life has always been a drama, something going on ever since I was a kid.. and it carried on the way and now it's settled I'm like have I made it and this is it? And I'm happy like @Mayspring (one day I'm over joyed the next I wanna kill him, which seems to be the norm) but I'll watch a movie or hear something about a really lust filled relationship and I'm like oh maybe this isn't good. If that makes any sense at all?
I definitely want to be with him.
All these lovely stories about your boring but happy marriages are what I needed though.

I sound really immature the way I've worded I'm honestly not in real life lol

@Missj25 I 100% would never have an affair.. my dad had an affair and it destroyed my mum even now 30 years later.. it destroyed my childhood because of his actions. If I really wasn't happy I'd leave.

That man sounds awful.

Together almost 40 years, married 36.

Drama is overrated IMO. That definitely doesn’t mean life has to be boring or humdrum. You inject excitement with activity, whether that’s wild camping, weekend breaks together or separately with friends, trying new experiences or whatever floats your boat.

In my life having separate interests and hobbies makes us a better couple. Having four kids probably doesn’t leave much time for your relationship but it can be done.

Later when the two of you are alone together again you will need new ways of connecting and finding excitement.

All due respect OP, but I think it's pretty telling that you think the positive stories people are telling are about marriages that are "boring". My marriage doesn't bore me. It's my happy place and my safe place. I really enjoy spending time with DH. We still flirt and have fun and spark off each other.

I think you need to do some unpacking of your own baggage around "boring".

What he is doing is awful ..
All just excitement & sex I think to him ..
Although when your carrying on like that , I wonder why , what’s wrong that those are your actions ..
Has to be something not right …

If they both feel the same way, why wouldn’t it? I don’t know why people think it is the be-all-end-all of relationships.

DH and I have been together 17 years, since I was 17 so just about half my life and im also mid 30’s. I wouldn’t swap what we have now for anything.

It makes a difference though that DH will never leave the house or the car without a kiss goodbye, and now that extends to our 2 children, too. Kisses from everyone and an ‘I love you’ or he will refuse to leave until it’s done. Daft dancing in the kitchen and zero self consciousness when you do or say something embarrassing. Just the permission to be wholly and completely yourself and know 100% that that other person has got you, whether you fall or fly. Coming home late and he’s made tea and the kids are bathed. The completely mundane conversations you have about shopping or weekend plans and you have these short hand phrases for everything so to people who aren’t either of you, it sounds like nonsense but you both know what you mean. The security of knowing he’d help you hide the bodies and never question why you did it. Having someone to do nice things for - someone to send stuff you find interesting or funny or sad to and know he’ll know exactly why you sent it. Pyjamas and big knickers. Shared joy/ dismay when the kids do something brilliant or terrible. Most importantly, never ever feeling like you’re facing anything alone.

I never want to fall in love ever again if it means I can have this, and him, forever.

I’m sure you’d be bored in my marriage @Istheremore. We’ve just celebrated our silver wedding and we’re as content as can be. The road to get here has been rocky at times but it’s perfect peace now. We often finish one anothers’ sentences and are never happier than when we’re alone together. The thought of being without him makes me nauseous. Exciting it isn’t, joyous - most definitely.

Been married 26 years and it does change over time, you just have to love each other enough to change and flex with life and who you each change into. Neither dh are the same as we were all those years ago. Staying married takes effort and give and take and no it is now not all fireworks and passion but it is love, trust and care. As dc leave home we realise we must work together to have fun and do things again as a couple. It os easy to dream of that first passion but that is not sustainable through a long relationship with all life throws at you but by it becoming something different does not mean the love is less just different. And yes as a menopausal woman my dh breathing does at times drive me nuts!! But I am sure I also annoy him too.

I think it's normal for relationships to go in ebbs and flows. Your never going to be the same person as you were 10 years ago and nor will you be the same person in 10 years time. People grow, change, life finds a rhythm etc.

The important bit is to work as a team and when life settles down reconnect, have fun together etc.

I've never had drama with my DH it's always been pretty chilled but we have faced tough times together. Some days he does annoy me but I wouldn't change him.

I agree.

Yours is not a particularly long relationship, OP, but it does sound very normal.
You will go thru times when you absolutely can't stand the sight of each other, but you accept that's just part of taking the rough with the smooth in life.
As your children get older, I would encourage you to find space for yourself - hobbies, volunteering,friends etc, so that you are a true individual, and not just a parent and spouse. It will ensure you don't become too dependent on your husband, and also that you have things to talk about when you do spend time together.
You don't need to be sentimental, but as you get older you will appreciate the peace and familiarity of a long relationship. The grass is not always greener on the other side.....!

Been with DH 50 years, 5 children.

We are best friends and always have stuff to chat about and have a laugh.

Wouldn't change anything

Ok so boring wasn't the right word.. I meant it's normal to be just together.. happy. It's marriage. Which is what we have.

I'm getting used to life with no drama (childhood mainly) and excitement (having child after child basically, a wedding to plan, something going on)

I was just a bit worried after reading the post about the lady who had what sounded like a normal marriage (my marriage name t always exciting) who then started to hate her husband for everything About him really) I needed some happy stories of lovely marriages and some advice for how you keep it happy and exciting without the crazy lust.

About the sex.. I can't be bothered because normally I'm a bit touched out with having the kids all day. I see him about think ohhh I really fancy him and he wanna have sex but by the time the kids go to bed my energy is 0.

It’s definitely still possible to desire someone in that rip off their clothes kind of way (after 25 years) and find them very exciting.
But it sounds like you don’t miss the passion, but the drama. Some people are just like that. If you find this a problem in your life generally or it does start to affect your relationship, maybe try therapy.

Married people dream of being single. Single people dream of being in a relationship.

In my marriage we can absolutely dupe that early days feeling of butterflies and lust by doing new experiences together or spending time together
,having deep chats.

We are in the tough raising young children stage so there is lots that is drudgery. We both prioritise our relationship and eachother. We have been through some horrendous times together but that's made us stronger we have a much better relationship now.

What I find super attractive about my partner is that he continues to evolve and is continuously curious about improving things like his emotional intelligence, being a good husband and father, skills knowledge all sorts.

I only have to spend time with some other men to really realise I wouldn't want to be with anyone else it's slim pickings out there for even remotely decent men 🙈

I absolutely do not dream of being single!

It's not boring!

@EllasNonny like I said in my last post boring wasn't the right word to use.