To give my wife an ultimatum?

[Palakmint]

I can no longer deal with my wife's over sensitivilty, screaming, shouting, meltdowns and general paranoia.

She is very, very sensitive and if she is triggered she will start ranting and shouting, or crying, depending on the situation.

I can only describe her meltdowns akin to a toddler losing their cool - the shouting, the pacing around, the clenched teeth. We have a children and it's getting more and more difficult protect them from seeing this.

The problem is that she refuses to view herself as another other than the victim, for example, years ago she criticised a relative's party to a mural friend, "the food was rubbish, decorative style was outdated etc," the friend as since told our relative and she even asked my wife etc. It's obviously strained the relationship. Recently, she complained that said relative gave her a dirty look and she couldn't understand why. I wanted to say something but decided not to.

Most of the time she is brilliant and the kids adore her but it's difficult to be around her when she gets into one of these moods, and atmosphere in our house is incredibly tense for days.

I want to tell her I'll leave if she has another meltdown. I don't know how realistic it is asking her to control her emotions and i done know if I have the guys to actually follow through but I need to do something.

I would tell her she needs to.go to therapy about it. You can't expect her to suddenly completely change, that's just setting you both up for failure but she does need sort her shit out

Has she sought any help, she’s got anger issues and you are right to protect your children

Will she go to therapy? Couples counselling? My DD16 still has meltdowns but she has AuDHD and is really trying hard to control them or at least working out how to calm herself once triggered.

Ultimatums only work if you follow through.
Could it be some kind of RSD?
My mum was very similar and I spent my childhood walking on eggshells. I now wonder if my mum has some kind of mental health condition/ neurodivergence that makes emotions and/or perceived rejection difficult for her.

She will probably need professional help agreed. She isn't going to change because she's been given an untimatum.

Years ago I had a breakfown after my cancer treatments. But I didnt know until about 6months later.
but I remember my husband to sort myself and go to therapy or he would leave amd take the kids. He dis say that he loves me and that leaving would be in order to protect himself and them. He also said that if i was going to therapy, he would support me but he had to protect his and their mental health.

i refused to loose everything and everyone i love the most in my life, and i owed it to me and my family to try to get better.

18months of very intense therapy and i was back to being myself and my councellor said to me that I was ready to fly on my own. It was scary but she was right.

i think sometimes a wake up call is what you need. I had touched rock bottom so it was drowning or reaching for oxygen. I had no choice.

talk to your wife with honesty, compassion and assetiveness. You owe it to you, your kids and to her to an extend.

good luck

Have you posted about this before and was it arranged marriage?

Either way, I wouldn’t bother with an ultimatum, I’d protect myself and my children and get away from her. She’s abusive, whatever the reason behind it, and you owe it to your kids to show them what is and isn’t acceptable. This isn’t.

Btw if a woman posted this not a single person would be offering possible explanations for her behaviour or suggesting counselling, they’d just be saying get the fuck away from her yesterday.

Absolutely no point in issuing an ultimatum if you’re unsure whether you will follow through. And if it’s a matter of child protection, you’re not just telling her you’re ending your marriage, you’re also presumably telling her you’re going to fight her legally for 100% residency, otherwise the children will be exposed to her tantrums without you there?

Any chance she might be undiagnosed neurodiverse? She sounds exactly like me, having my kids diagnosed with ADHD made me realise I most definitely am too but currently all of our money is going on the kids needs so getting a diagnosis & the medication I know I need needs to wait another while. I read recently that by the time an undiagnosed female gets to a certain stage of life they have reached total burnout, trying to juggle home & work life, keep kids & husband happy, trying to maintain friendships while masking as much as possible so be normal & fit in, it’s like being a pressure cooker just waiting to explode & I can relate so much to it. Home is where most feel safest letting it all out. It’s awful & crippling & only for my kids have been diagnosed I would have thought i was loosing my marbles but I’m sort of relieved that it’s all clicked for me, I know exactly what I need to do. Some who seek medical advise are misdiagnosed with depression & end up on the wrong treatment.
It’s worth looking into it & gently discussing with your wife if you think it’s a possibility.

Is there a possibility she has Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) ? It is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS) that significantly impacts mood and mental health. It would explain meltdowns.

Perimenopause? Burn out?
The example you give of her behaviour is a very old one, anything more recent - as in, what kind of thing triggers the tantrums you refer to?

No, she hasn't. She doesn't believe she has any anger issues.

I want to tell her I'll leave if she has another meltdown

As is your right but have you considered the kids in this? Her being unreasonable and damaging doesn't stop for them because you've left.

I’m posting anonymously for reasons that will become apparent.

I was your wife, some years ago. I had severe depression & undiagnosed Emotional Dysregulation Syndrome, & my G.P. now thinks undiagnosed high functioning Autism. My meltdowns were horrific. It took me walking into A&E and asking for duty Psych for me to get help.

I’m now on medication that helps, & hubs and I can spot a meltdown coming so that I can take myself out to calm down. But it has wreaked havoc in my relationship with DD.

You have two very stark choices.
1/ Give your wife an ultimatum & leave to protect you and the children or
2/ Give her the ultimatum & help her get help.

Either way, protecting the children has to come first. But she definitely needs help too, and if this is the only way to get it then so be it.

Good luck.

I agree your ultimatum needs to be about recognising her issue and seeking help for it and if she doesn’t you will leave

This might not be popular, but it worked with my DD. I recorded her. It's a form of emotional harm and I was prepared to protect my GC. If there's no problem, then showing a childcare professional won't be an issue. Before it come to thar, my DD accepted that she was causing emotional harm and being verbally abusive. It was anxiety/stress and she overcame it by doing martial arts and weights. As well as avoiding triggers. Shouting can become a habbit. I was fully prepared to childmind while she got herself sorted. Is she overstressed? When you say leave, I take it that you mean with the children? Is she heard in the relationship? The friend was a shit stirrer and shouldn't have repeated what was said, it's telling that you haven't taken that stance.

You are unreasonable to say out of the blue that one more you would leave if you haven’t broached it with her before. However you absolutely would not be unreasonable to say that you are struggling and don’t want to see her struggle or the kids to model that behaviour so it’s time for her to think about getting help. If she refuses or it doesn’t change then you would be justified in thinking about leaving

I think you need to point out calmly and factually how you would expect discussions and disagreements in a happy relationship to go: eg both talking calmly, listening to each other, respectful words etc. Then note how it goes in your relationship, she behaves and how it makes you feel. Eg ‘when you get defensive and scream it feels like you aren’t listening to me and you aren’t thinking about how unpleasant it is for me to have to listen to it.’ You should also point out that you don’t want your children learning to communicate with screaming or dark moods for days.

Ultimately, she needs to deal with her emotions better and discuss things like a mature adult: her behaviour is awful and you shouldn’t be expected to keep dealing with it. She might need a therapist. It’s for her to get help and if she refuses you’d be within your rights to decide you no longer want to remain in this relationship, tiptoeing over eggshells for the rest of your life.

In the short term, when this happens, point out her behaviour as it happens. Ask ‘why are you screaming?’ Or tell her ‘you are putting words into my mouth - I didn’t say that.’ If she’s having a meltdown, tell her you won’t indulge it and you’ll speak to her when she’s got a grip of herself. Every single time she starts doing this, she needs it pointing out. It’s as if she needs a mirror holding up to show her how embarrassing and intolerable her conduct is.

She sound over whelmed and over stimulated. She needs to accept she needs help and then both of you need to find her the help together

Is she autistic?

I suffered badly from pmdd. I had to recognise it was destroying my relationships. I went to and did cbt and saw Dr for medication

I've looked up RSD and this describes her. I have only recently suspected some type of neurodiversity but I haven't looked into in great deal. I doubt she will do anything about. She hasn't been willing to go thr GP to discuss her mental health issues.

I issued DH an ultimatum. Either he goes to anger management therapy or we would be getting a divorce. He also thought he didn’t have anger issues, however, he loved me and our family enough to take on board what I said and went to anger management.

When I was going through the menopause I would have meltdowns and rages, completely out of character for me. Unfortunately I only connected these rages to the menopause after I was through it and returned to my previously chilled and patient self. At the time I blamed our living situation.
My poor husband clung on and I am so grateful to still be married to him as it came close to ending.

I have to agree with you. When I first joined MN, there was a similar post by a woman and my first thought was to ask if she’d considered counselling already and oh my gosh, did I get jumped on by so many! Asked tf was I saying that as couples counselling would be dangerous, the DH is unhinged, frightening the kids and she needs to just immediately LTB. And yet when it’s a woman as the aggressor…🤨