To give my wife an ultimatum?

[Palakmint]

I can no longer deal with my wife's over sensitivilty, screaming, shouting, meltdowns and general paranoia.

She is very, very sensitive and if she is triggered she will start ranting and shouting, or crying, depending on the situation.

I can only describe her meltdowns akin to a toddler losing their cool - the shouting, the pacing around, the clenched teeth. We have a children and it's getting more and more difficult protect them from seeing this.

The problem is that she refuses to view herself as another other than the victim, for example, years ago she criticised a relative's party to a mural friend, "the food was rubbish, decorative style was outdated etc," the friend as since told our relative and she even asked my wife etc. It's obviously strained the relationship. Recently, she complained that said relative gave her a dirty look and she couldn't understand why. I wanted to say something but decided not to.

Most of the time she is brilliant and the kids adore her but it's difficult to be around her when she gets into one of these moods, and atmosphere in our house is incredibly tense for days.

I want to tell her I'll leave if she has another meltdown. I don't know how realistic it is asking her to control her emotions and i done know if I have the guys to actually follow through but I need to do something.

I am really sorry for you, OP. Most of these comments are way too soft on your wife IMO, it a woman posted about a man who behaved as your wife does nobody would make excuses and blame 'overwhelm' (and for the person citing 'perimenopause'?! Really?) I don't think that you would be at all out of line for ending the marriage, you matter too. The problem is the childcare. I think that you should let your wife know that her behaviour isn't tolerable and that if she doesn't take steps to change, you will be seeking an out. I'm sorry I don't have more specific advice, but I didn't want you to feel that nobody cared because you are male. This place is ludicrously sexist a lot of the time.

She clearly experiences high levels of emotional distress, whether that's due to mental health issues, ND, past trauma that she hasn't shared with you, PMDD..no one here will be able to tell you with any degree of certainty. But it's clear that she is distressed in these moments and needs support to learn strategies to manage that distress effectively.

It would be reasonable to tell her that if she is not prepared to access help and support for her emotional distress then you will leave.

It would be unreasonable to simply say "stop being distressed or i'll leave", which is effectively what you're proposing. That is setting her up to fail. I wonder, does part of you know that, but because you want to leave you're giving her an ultimatum you know she won't be able to stick to?

Presumably if you leave you will also be seeking a court order for full custody of the children since you are concerned about the impact of your wife's behaviour on them?

If the roles had been reversed, and it was a man who was acting like she is, the immediate answer on mum's net would be to LTB.
Very good male friend of mine had a wife who was constantly angry with resting bitch face and he put up with it for quite a while until she strangled him and tore his clothes and wrestled him to the floor when she got arrested for ABH.
Get her out of there!
(Get your ducks in a row first, including documentation, passbooks for children, bank accounts, pay slips, pensions etc to ensure that you'll be in the best position and maybe try and put some money away for a rainy day. )
Also have half an hour free with a solicitor.
Equality works both ways.

It is very difficult for the family members walking on eggshells.
She needs therapy, a mental health assessment.
If she is unwilling to address the issues, then you should ask her to leave.

Flippin heck, if a woman posted this about her husband she would be told to get out and take the kids to a refuge if necessary. There would be multiple paragraphs about calling Women's Aid etc.....
Because a man has posted we get a litany of excuses for her shocking behaviour. Regardless of why she is behaving like this the kids are being damaged. He shouldn't threaten to leave her, he should just take the kids and go.

You’re well within your right to leave any relationship at any time for any or no reason. But you have a very good reason because that “up and down” unpredictability and tension sounds horrendous to live with.

If you’re staying together, the ultimatum would be she needs to go to counselling asap. Clearly there is something up with her.

And I think you need a plan when the next meltdown happens. Eg- I will leave the house for one hour and when I come back I expect an apology and for us to discuss what happened.

As we know from every other post, angry people have the potential to be dangerous and never change, so best to just make her leave once you've got your ducks in a row.
Best way is to just change the locks so she can't get in.

Frankly, that isn't the OP's problem. I don't blame him for wanting an out. Her 'high levels of emotional distress' aren't an excuse for making others miserable. Would you say the same about a man whose awful moods were making the whole family walk on eggshells around him?

Well, because things like pmt and the loss of oestrogen have massive impacts on emotional stability for women, and don't apply to men. Experiencing burnout due to juggling children and work (and possibly parents) and not enough support at home are also far more likely to apply to women than men.
So the answers are different when it's a woman as there are different reasons - if it is related to the menopause there are also medical solutions! So worth exploring

Also, not lawful.

My answer is to leave. It's one thing if she acknowledges an issue and wants to proactively work to resolve it but it's another when she's in denial.

It isn't your job to fix her and those kids deserve emotional stability in their life.

I would even start collecting evidence of her outbursts and send them to her doctor, social services etc. Whoever will help support you and the children and keep them safe.

I have severe pmdd. I use tools to deal with it, sometimes I feel like a vicious demon that could destroy anyone but I know it isn't acceptable. I seeth in silence, take a walk, take ssri daily, eat vegetables, whatever her reason, it is not accepted and if she cannot manage to control her outbursts she needs to live alone.
DH leaves me to it.

OP hasn't mentioned taking the kids though. He said "I'll leave". He might intend to, but that's not clear.

Hormonal triggered rages can be surprisingly difficult to self spot or notice or recognize.
Pmt is a thing.
I don't envy you bringing up mood swings to your dw.
A visit to a sympathetic doctor seems advisable.
You wouldn't be unreasonable setting some firm expectations of actions and spelling out consequences for doing nothing.
Treat it like, snoring or gambling.

I don't agree that burnout is more likely to apply to women than men. Most people I know are pretty equal in how they tackle work and family responsibilities. The whole world isn't like Mumsnet where all men are selfish bastards who lounge around all day smoking cigars and drinking brandy, while their poor downtrodden wives do all the work. Sometimes a nasty bitch is just a nasty bitch, not a martyr with an inconsiderate husband.

If she's refusing help then you need to give an ultimatum.

I know someone like this - they have personality disorder and also bipolar. Not to sound alarming but she might be suffering from mh issues - chemical imbalance. Hard to diagnose if she does not think she has a problem. Sorry to hear this. Good luck.

I didn't say they were an excuse. You seem to have misunderstood my post.

I am suggesting that she seek some form of professional support and yes, if a woman posted here about her Husband having occasional episodes of getting distressed to the point of crying and shouting, I would also suggest he seeks professional support. I don't think it's an outlandish suggestion

If she was shouting at the children, displaying threatening or aggressive behaviour then my response would of course be different.

I don't think he would be unreasonable to leave her, I don't think anyone should feel obliged to stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy for any reason. But I also don't agree with people giving ultimatums that they know full well the other person will not be able to hold up their end of the deal. If he wants to leave he should just go ahead and leave, no ultimatum needed.

I'd like to hear your wife's version of events. Your account is so lacking in detail and information it's impossible to have any idea of which of you is unreasonable.

You've left out any information about what it is that triggers your wife's angry responses. Have you just announced without warning that four members of your family are coming to stay for a fortnight tomorrow? In which case I'd be shouting at you too.

Gosh, look at all you women taking the man's very vague word for the fact that there's anything going on here at all — and even the armchair psychologists coming out with personality disorders without even asking him for details of what it is that is making his wife so distressed. For all you know he could be coercing her into all sorts of things she doesn't want to do.

Would you be saying the same if a woman posted this about her husband? I doubt it.

It's horrible to see so many women trying to give excuses for horrible behaviour just because that behaviour is coming from a woman.

I have a male friend with a horrible wife, angry, aggressive, abusive, bad mother etc. I wish to god he would leave her, I hope he never comes on here for advice.

You're assuming the OP is a man? Has that been confirmed and I've missed it?

We all have sensitivities. We all have pain of some kind in our past. We all have our unique struggles and flaws.

We are all also responsible for and should be held accountable for our behaviour.

Her behaviour is not OK. It’s scary for children to see their safe adult out of control.

You deserve better than walking on eggshells and your children deserve better than a mum who dysregulates regularly.

My advice;
check your own role - are you in any way part of they dynamic? May be get your own counselling to think this through.
Start keeping a journal so you can see patterns clearly.
Talk to her in a calm moment when the kids are elsewhere and kindly and gently let her know it’s unacceptable. Let her know that you do require a change in her behaviour.
If she decides to work on it then set a date (just for you or agreed with her) at which point you’ll check in to see if it’s changed.

"Change the locks", that old chestnut? It is not legal to do that.