To give my wife an ultimatum?

[Palakmint]

I can no longer deal with my wife's over sensitivilty, screaming, shouting, meltdowns and general paranoia.

She is very, very sensitive and if she is triggered she will start ranting and shouting, or crying, depending on the situation.

I can only describe her meltdowns akin to a toddler losing their cool - the shouting, the pacing around, the clenched teeth. We have a children and it's getting more and more difficult protect them from seeing this.

The problem is that she refuses to view herself as another other than the victim, for example, years ago she criticised a relative's party to a mural friend, "the food was rubbish, decorative style was outdated etc," the friend as since told our relative and she even asked my wife etc. It's obviously strained the relationship. Recently, she complained that said relative gave her a dirty look and she couldn't understand why. I wanted to say something but decided not to.

Most of the time she is brilliant and the kids adore her but it's difficult to be around her when she gets into one of these moods, and atmosphere in our house is incredibly tense for days.

I want to tell her I'll leave if she has another meltdown. I don't know how realistic it is asking her to control her emotions and i done know if I have the guys to actually follow through but I need to do something.

@BruFord because it’s an ultimatum. Not a boundary.

What you’re talking about is a boundary. I love you but will not accept xyz. If this doesn't change, I will have to leave. This is about stating needs and protecting yourself.

Whereas an ultimatum is about forcing someone to act a certain way.
It shows no respect for the person and is about using fear and shame to make them act the way you want. The effect is that it’s likeky the person will rebel, tell them to get lost or if they change will only pay lip service to it. It has damaged the relationship in the process too which is another reason why the marriage will struggle. (Or it will carry in with the other person constantly secong guessing themselves, in fear their partner will have another make it break request)

Im really happy this worked for you. From the way you presented it, it was a boundary that your dh expressed, not an ultimatum. He was able to communicate well with you and express his needs/issues. That’s fantastic in itself! But that’s not what the OP is saying he wants to do.

Fair enough, sorry. This is probably my stuff - I get quite fed up of people insinuating it was OK that my mentally ill parent was horrible to us all because the poor man was depressed, probably suffering more than we could even imagine, loved us as much as he could given his limitations, needed our unconditional support and accommodation, etc.

Sometimes there’s a narrative around mental illness / neurodivergence that only one person gets to matter in any given situation, and whoever can convincingly claim to be the most sensitive / vulnerable has permission to run roughshod over everyone else, who must suck it up and be kind.

According to my friend she was a competitor for gladiators and regularly did triathlons. And hours in the gym weekly doing weights and cardio.
And then, there is the police record for ABH to consider which implies it's been assessed by professionals.
Suspect you may find assault on men is more frequent than you surmise.
But carry on and put your head in the sand and pretend it doesn't happen.
He already had four broken ribs from a time when she didn't agree with what he said from a couple of years before.
https://www.centreforsocialjustice.org.uk/newsroom/why-are-men-often-overlooked-as-victims-of-domestic-abuse
Obviously only happens to women 🤔🧐