Child surname

[Maggiem92]

Thoughts please…. son’s wife went behind his back and registered their baby with her surname despite him asking her not to

Nope. I didn't go at all, DH registered DS' birth whilst I relaxed at home.

Yes it's a shame there are so many deadbeat dads. Men really need to stop shirking their parental responsibilities.

It works both ways. Women can be just as bad.

Is this any of your business though? Why are you butting in? It’s for them to sort out, not you!

No they aren't.

Domestic abuse is a gendered crime. 96% of defendants at trial are male.

You make it sound like the couple have a choice. It’s not like they get to toss a coin and decide who is going to carry the pregnancy.

To be fair, lots of men don’t report it as they feel ashamed, and quite honestly some of the vitriol on this site alone makes you understand why. Who would believe him? Certainly not the people on here. Apparently, women can do no wrong and men are all vile.

I appreciate this is a site for women, but some really do appear to hate men full stop. You will see a single post and the pitchforks are reached for and screams of leave him etc etc…I read a post the other evening about a man who farted, apparently maliciously and it was reams of leave him, he’s a pig etc.

In this case, the new parents need to both grow up and have a conversation, which should have been had before this helpless newborn was brought into this world.

Why everyone gets so hung up on surnames is beyond me, let’s face it most on here were given their Dad’s name. Don’t like it? Then change it.

No just replying to a quote that was nonsensical.

"Mother gives baby her surname".

There is obviously a massive back story to this, but children should have their mothers surname imo.

I think that's whataboutery tbh. No one said women can do no wrong but it's disingenuous to not acknowledge that the overwhelming majority of defendants are male.

Also it's not their dad's name. A women's name from birth is every bit as much her name as it is her father's. Men don't own names.

We are naming the baby Paul.
Great but he's not having your surname then.
Why the fuck not, Ennis is a great surname. How dare you disrespect me and my family!
Do I have to spell it out to you?

Actually men and women under report at very similar rates.

Men are given their dads name too. Funnily enough, it becomes their name yet for women, it is still their dads name.

My surname came from my dad but it is just as much my surname as DH's is his which also came from his dad.

More background needed, OP.

They are both adults, presumably they had some sort of conversation about this before their child was born.

If he wanted to double barrel and she wanted her name only, then he has every right to be pissed off.

If she wanted to double barrel and he wouldn't contemplate it, then she is entirely justified in doing what she did.

If neither of them wanted to double barrel and both of them wanted only their name, well, one of them was always going to be the winner and the other was going to be the loser. (But it doesn't bode well for their future co-parenting relationship.)

His name isn't more valid than her name though.

I know a couple who had twins and one twin was given her paternal grandmother's birth name as a surname and the other twin was given her maternal grandmother's birth name as a surname. So all four family members, including the twins, have different surnames.

You might not see the point in that but clearly they do.

Thoughts please…. son’s wife went behind his back and registered their baby with her surname despite him asking her not to

She wanted to give the baby her surname. He wanted to give the baby his surname. Obviously there was only ever going to be one ‘winner’ here. Why does it always have to be the man who gets the final say? Perhaps she wants to pass her surname down. My thoughts are that it’s a shame that dad’s surname is still thought of as the only acceptable option and that anything else needs to be discussed by extended family members who a) need to realise that she didn’t ’go behind his back’, b) she doesn’t need to ask his permission, c) he doesn’t get to dictate anything and d) could probably do with minding their own business.

The mum has just as much say in this as the dad. In fact, as she carried the baby for nine months, went through hours of pain, leaving her with a body that will never be quite the same, will likely be the main caregiver if they ever split up, and he couldn’t even be arsed to go to the registrar’s office with her to sign the paperwork, she probably has more right than he does to give the child her name rather than his.

Assuming she has a different surname to your son. If so, there were three options:

1. His surname
2. Her surname
3. Double baralled

I know there are people who go with option 1 but there is absolutely no way I would do this as a woman. He would be unreasonable to expect it.

I think if parents can’t agree then option 3 is the fairest. Was this discussed? Or did he try and demand his name only?

No it really is. It's always been tradition in the uk for babies to have the mother's surname. It's just also always been tradition for women to change their names on marriage. Women only started giving babies the father's surname and not their own when having babies outside of marriage became common.

CAN be maybe, ARE on a regular basis, obviously not

Had they discussed it? If they had been unable to decide on a surname then the default name should be the mothers. He could change his surname if he wants to match?

Well prepare to have your mind blown - my child has my surname. Been with my partner 20 years, no problems, he's great. But I wouldn't dream of changing my name, and the child that I grew inside me is having the same name as me. My partner had no problem with this.

It makes sense, given that the mum is usually the one doing the life admin/GP appointments etc. And no-one can see the future - if we did split it would be galling to have that reminder every day (as many of my friends have since discovered).

100% this.

If he's that fussed then he can change his name so he shares the last name with his wife and child.

Your DIL sounds fabulous