Do today's teenagers/20-somethings lack resilience?

[ToutesetBonne]

Prompted by another thread, I'm reminded of the number of times, at work, when I shake my head in disbelief about the dramas some of the younger staff create out of nothing!

I work for a lovely organisation in beautiful surroundings, with some of the best 'perks' I've ever encountered. Our salaries are well above average and we have free lunches, parking, and private health care.

Despite this, so many of our younger staff throw complete wobblies if asked to do anything that they perceive to be outside their role description, and have close to a breakdown if a manager (I am not one - no-one reports to me) queries any aspect of their work or asks them to change something in a written paper, or suggests that they might need some help with a task.

Where is the resilience? I am a labour voter who cringes at the expression 'snowflake' but, gosh, I'm beginning to see where it comes from!

My two (21 and 19) are tough as boots and getting along really well in life but they were deliberately raised that way, and are in the minority among their peers.

Hmm, there are some 59 odd year olds that I work with who have zero resilience

As in, they get upset about an Office vibe email

The most resilient people I find have been raised on a farm.
They're out working with their parents from a young age. Exposed to risk. Interacting with nature. Yes, its not the easiest upbringing, but it raises hard working and resilient young people in my experience.

The same place as the children who worked up chimneys and in factories back in the day .
It's all relative , you know like how we were able to survive sleeping in our bedrooms with icicles hanging off the inside of our windows before we all had central heating.
We should want better for our children .

Did they start at the age of 14 though ? And how many school leavers or apprenticeships do you have where you work realistically?

DD is 25. As a 22 year old MEng graduate, she was often standing beside a railway line giving instructions to contractors often twice her age, all men. Was she a bit freaked out by that? For sure, but it was her job and she did it anyway. She worked two Christmases in a row on rail projects, wearing high vis, a hard hat and about 15 layers to stay warm.

Her uni friends are similarly successful go-getters, so no, it's not a given.

I’m loathe to agree with you, but it’s what I’ve seen in younger apprentices at work - not all of them but a significant number. It’s things like getting their mam to call in sick for them, asking to be excused from parts of the job that cause anxiety and going to sit down in the staff room when they need to take a minute - when I mentioned to one of them that this wasn’t possible because we work to strict adult/child ratios, she told me that it was important to listen to your body.

The first two are annoying but harmless but the third you just can’t do in the settings I work in. Also I do think it’s good that we’re becoming more aware of anxiety etc it’ll just be interesting to see how this works practically in the workplace. My worry is that it’ll become one of those situations where those who should the loudest will get accommodations made for them while those who suffer in silence are left to pick up extra work.

Is it better to be more infantile though and be able to manage less? seems like a step backwards. Don't have to send kids up chimneys or even working full 🌕 time but there's teenagers ages of historically working age that parents are asking if they can spend an evening alone.
So there's no reason 14 year olds can't take themselves places, sort themselves food etc. Sort out their own friendship issues It can't be very good for your confidence if every person time something goes wrong a parent jumps in to " sort it". It's effectively the elling them they are unable so eventually they are will believe and act as so

Thing I did with my kids of they came telling me something was wrong or someone did it was ask " well what can you do about that" or " what do you think is the solution". It's helping them to learn how to deal with stuff

Not sure if what central heating has to do with anything. ( Remember the icicles btw)

It’s about balance. We are better at recognising mental health struggles but in our desire to help something has gone wrong. There used to be a couple of time out cards in the whole school but now a kid in every single class has a time out card. Are we handing them out too freely? I think possibly but say this and you get accused of being mean and ignorant.
It isn’t easy for young teens to get a job. I worked in a shop from the age of 13 and did a paper round before that. Hardly anywhere round us takes on Saturday girls any more. Working from a young age helps confidence and resilience.

I don't think you can generalise a whole generation like that tbh. I haven't come across that behaviour from that age group but have from various others. I manage people and have had people take it personally when I've had to ask them to improve their documentation and explained why it's important (I work in care so it's a case of "if it's not written down, it didn't happen).

I will also add that whilst I haven't experienced this, things are different now. I'm in my early 30s and have worked since the age of 14 waitressing etc. That doesn't happen now. So people don't learn certain skills as young as they previously did.

@AnnabelleQuelle sounds great, where do you work?!

Hmm, we have a new grad in our team (NHS). I have always completed all mandatory training prior to starting a role then I'm raring to go from week one. This woman absolutely refused, that's probably a good thing though😁. I like her style.

This is nuts but typical of the type that works for the NHS. I say that with 15 years NHS employment. If these people were in the private sector, they would not last two minutes. But that's why they're not working in the private sector.

Absolutely! I work as a teacher and it’s very noticeable not only in our students, but in new young teachers. Parents want to make everything easy for their children now and avoid any disappointments, but this leads to issues as they then don’t know how to deal with it outside of a school/home environment.

I have lists of children in class who are not to be asked any questions, because it makes them uncomfortable. No SEND, no reason other than don’t put them outside of their comfort zone. More and more students refuse to do the speaking and listening aspects of the GCSEs. If they’re not picked for a role/sport/club etc then parents complain - it’s not worth running any clubs because of the complaints. Parents also want things planned around their children like seating plans, timetabling lessons to make sure they’re in lessons with all their friends. We’ve had parents ask to move the dates/times of GCSEs as their child would do better in the afternoon instead of the 9am start.

A huge part of my lessons is redoing work - making improvements. It makes sense to have a go at something and then see how to improve, but students don’t want to do that. They want to be told it’s perfect in the first go and not have to be given any feedback. Then they get upset at the idea of having any form of criticism, despite it being supportive and constructive.

And now we’re finding it in the staff who are coming straight out of uni. Constant sick days ; being shocked when asked to plan for their lessons and not being handed it; not willing to phone home and speak to parents.

The key is definitely having a public facing job like waiting or retail before you enter a “career” job. Not only does it toughen you up but teaches you what a workplace is like and also a reality check for those who have been told they are very clever all their lives. I think sometimes there can be a lack of understanding what an entry level role is when they are fresh out of uni so having a job before that is absolutely invaluable. When looking at job applications from graduates I would always pick the one who worked while studying over one with a better degree or uni.

I kind of agree, but I think it is way more complicated than that. I'm just the wrong side of 50, and have lived with bi-polar and all the bits associated with it over the years so some times things get really, really difficult for me.

I think that the main issue is independence, nearly everyone now, wakes up in a box, travels to work/school/where ever, in a box, goes home in a box and then it's wash and repeat.
Never moving outside your comfort zone at all, be it getting a bus into the shops/theatre/where ever, or just saying, I'm off for a walk back at x time.
The parents were probably the same, and unfortunately with social media saying that there is someone about to do something awful to your children who (apparently from Doris next door whos friend down the Spoons told her) lives 3 doors down, doesn't help at all.
Resilience is a life skill, but if all you ever do is stay inside your own little boxes, it's no wonder there are these issues, add to that the general idea that someone is to blame and there in lies the problem.
Just my 2 penneth worth!

I’m from Scandinavia and went to live in London for a couple of years when I was young. My friends and I had no problems getting jobs, we were always hired and told that we were reliable and more efficient. To us this was just normal and how we were raised.

Thanks so much for the amazing number of responses - I'm honestly shocked!

Just to clarify a few comments/criticisms (I can cope!) that have been made about my original post....
Of course it's not EVERY young person - that would be ridiculous. But a post with all the necessary caveats would have been too long to read!
I don't think badly of or unkindly towards the teens and 20-somethings; I feel for them - it's really sad that they find day-to-day life so difficult.

As the majority of respondents seem to agree (broadly) with my point, how do we fix this?

DS was the most helicopter parented child ever, he's also autistic. Being autistic he barely left the house if he could help it apart from school. Everything has always been broken down into small steps to help him be able to cope. He's now 18 and doing a degree apprenticeship, living away from home and absolutely loving it.

Resilience and independence are actually much better being taught IMO than just sending kids off to roam the streets and work in out for themselves. The kids I know that were given a lot of 'independence' mostly hung out at the park smoking and drinking and having sex at a young age.

Resilience is taught by helping kids to navigate disappointments by realising it's normal for things to go wrong sometimes or not to work out how they hoped. It's normal to feel sad and disappointed but there are always more options out there and you learn from everything you go through. It's very important IMO to help them always keep their options open as much as possible and always have a back up plan or two. I know too many parents that have left their kids to pin all their hopes on something that doesn't come off and then the child is devastated and has no idea what to do next.

Teaching your kids these things is what builds resilience/independence IMO, all through school you teach them to listen to their teachers, take feedback, go to clubs and try something new. I always told DS if I thought his homework was poor - then I talked it all through with him and helped him work out how to make it really good. Total helicopter parenting, but now he's an adult, it's all drummed into him and he's flying.

I agree. Centering anxiety in the workplace is startling to mean exactly that. My take is increasing that if you have anxiety sufficiently advanced to affect your work, you should not be there. It is usually very unfair for the other members of the team.

I think there's a lot of truth in this.

I was walking to primary school alone before I was 10, then we moved and I took two buses to get to school for the last term (August birthday, so still 10!). By the time I was 13, I was allowed to go up to London by train and tube with my mates. No-one thought anything of it, it was perfectly normal in the late 60s/early 70s.

My nieces and nephews* weren't allowed anything like that degree of freedom. One niece wasn't allowed to travel to London alone until she commuted to work there. When she was 19 and SIL & BIL went away for the weekend, she went to stay with her GPs because she was scared to stay in the house alone overnight, even with her boyfriend and a large dog for company. Another niece had been driving for 8 years before she ever drove on a motorway, and she only did that because she had to go on a course for work and had no other way of getting there.

Imo young people are often less resilient because independence isn't encouraged and they haven't had the need or opportunity to develop coping strategies.

*One niece is an exception. She has always been very independent and has benefited from a degree of benign neglect because a sibling had significant health issues that required a lot of support and attention. She's incredibly resilient has loads of initiative and seems to be able to handle anything.

As the majority of respondents seem to agree (broadly) with my point, how do we fix this?

I wish I had a solution but instead I have an opinion based on my experiences/observations. It would be helpful to have self - awareness, accountability and personal responsibility amongst your behaviours not solely the primal instinct to blame (slander/defame) others. This is in context to this discussion.

Stop helicopter/lawnmower parenting (but still give the support that each child needs, of course, which will vary according to specific needs) giving them increasing levels of independence and responsibility. Allow them to be disappointed and upset and to process their feelings and find solutions. Let them make mistakes (within reason of course). But this is only for children that are young now, and in the future. The current youth will also become more resilient in time but it'll take time, and will be more difficult for them as consequences will be more serious (losing jobs and suchlike). I feel for those that struggle with this now, its not their fault but they have to live with the consequences of their upbringing.

I think benign neglect is the answer. (Well, I would, it's how my kids were brought up so I'm probably biased, but they're all very resilient). Too much attention paid to every little complaint - even if that attention is positive and designed to help the child out - seems to cause them to lose confidence in their own abilities and they feel they need to go to Mum or Dad or teacher or boss to affirm that their decision is the right one. Every time anxiety is mentioned there's a rush to 'make sure they're all right' instead of 'ten deep breaths and get on with it'. I think youngsters have been given the idea that everything NEEDS to be paid attention to and circumnavigated when sometimes the best way is just a shrug and 'shit happens' attitude. There's always the worry that if they get attention for everything, they start to seek attention for everything.