Do today's teenagers/20-somethings lack resilience?

[ToutesetBonne]

Prompted by another thread, I'm reminded of the number of times, at work, when I shake my head in disbelief about the dramas some of the younger staff create out of nothing!

I work for a lovely organisation in beautiful surroundings, with some of the best 'perks' I've ever encountered. Our salaries are well above average and we have free lunches, parking, and private health care.

Despite this, so many of our younger staff throw complete wobblies if asked to do anything that they perceive to be outside their role description, and have close to a breakdown if a manager (I am not one - no-one reports to me) queries any aspect of their work or asks them to change something in a written paper, or suggests that they might need some help with a task.

Where is the resilience? I am a labour voter who cringes at the expression 'snowflake' but, gosh, I'm beginning to see where it comes from!

I'd agree with this. The Tourettes community is similar in encouraging people with tics to stop trying to suppress their tics and that the wider community should just be educated on why they shouldn't discriminate against people with tics. All very noble but realistically there are situations and jobs where some tics (not all) will be unacceptable and people who suffer with tics are going to limit their own possibilities in life if they refuse to ever suppress them.

Similarly with autism and ADHD, I'm all for awareness and making allowances where possible but at the end of the day you have to try and find a way to function in life. If you are always late/miss deadlines, even if it's due to ADHD, nobody will want to work with you. So if you know these things are hard for you, you need to find systems to help yourself function effectively (additional reminders, tick lists, alarms etc). I say this the parent of someone with tourettes and as yet undiagnosed but probable ADHD/autism.

I had a shit childhood and grew up independent as hell. I am resilient, never call in sick and don’t rely on anyone.
However, I wanted my kids to experience unconditional love and positivity and support, so raised them that way.

They are young adults and much less resilient than I am. They work v hard and are liked by their bosses, but emotionally they are not tough at all and I still support them mentally loads. And they ask me about way more practical stuff than I ever asked my (bordering neglectful) parents.

So I have messed up to some degree but I did the best I could with good intentions.

This is all due to parents using Autism, Adhd diagnosis as a reason to not parent. I said this on another thread and was flamed. Too many parents hear the diagnosis and think ah well little johnny can't help how he is so there is no point in trying to tell him no.

I've never heard the term "lawnmower parent" before, but it's a very apt description! I've never understood why SOME parents do everything in their power to eradicate all possible mishaps their children might encounter. I'm not talking major things like stopping your child running into a road, but constantly saying "Don't do that", "Be careful", "That's wrong", etc etc. And then when children get older, giving them lifts everywhere, frequently replacing broken/lost items etc. If children/teenagers never get to experience the consequences of their actions, how are they ever expected to develop resiliance?

Interesting you say this @GreenLeavesEverydaymy friend’s teen has always been an anxious child but it has reached extreme levels in the last couple of years. Long story short, after seeking help for many years, their daughter is now seeing an excellent psychologist who has identified these videos as a root cause of their daughter’s physical ticks/mannerisms/verbal cues. It’s almost like these videos, that are watched for hours on end by our teens, are hypnotising young minds. It’s frightening.

Agree with all of this!

It is difficult and dangerous to be around some colleagues. In a world were horrendous, shocking, really concerned, I'm shaking, I'm literally crying, utterly mortified... are used to describe seemingly minor situations - slandering and defaming others' character will continue to be on the rise.

Totally agree OP. I also work somewhere with huge benefits, high salaries, WFH, flexi hours (but some reciprocal flexibility back required) - and they all talk of burnout and never go above and beyond or work past their hours but want promotions. And I’m not in the legal or finance sector so it’s not like they’re expected to be working 18 hour days.

I basically see no work ethic and a “want something for nothing” ethic. It is very bizarre and frustrating.

my own kids are not like this and we instil a “work hard and rewarded well” ethic

Me neither. The op is being very unreasonable to tar a whole generation with the same brush. DD and her peers - mid 20s now- are hard working, responsible types.

I agree and I disagree. I can recognise some of these behaviours. I work in HE.

But I also feel like we burn our young people out before they get to adulthood. School is so intense. I think it's far more stressful than when I was at school. It's all about the exams. They don't get much rest time. DS has very short breaks in his school day. Ok, I used to finish later than he does when I was a kid, but the pace was easier. Phones have had a huge impact on mental health too.

I see students who can't focus, who can be dramatic and don't put the effort in. I also see those students try hard to develop in most cases and try and overcome their weaknesses. I also see students who work long hours in supermarkets and coffee shops and bars as well as their studies. Students who have mental and physical health issues and still do the work. Those with caring responsibilities. Those who come from disadvantaged backgrounds and have coped with serious family difficulties.

We have a mental health crisis in our young people. We need to do something in our society really to work this out instead of blaming them .

Lots of my young people show tremendous resilience in getting their degrees. But they can still be very dramatic when something trivial happens!

I don't know if a thread on Mumsnet will ever get to the root of the issue. As a teacher, I see the brilliant, curious and capable every day. I'd say the majority are still as fantastic as young people have always have been. There probably is a significant minority who have woeful resilience, but also an inability to take responsibility. And there's no one cause, but myriad factors at play. Parents who are stressed and busy, parents who won't take responsibility, instant gratification, exposure to influences outside of the traditional familial and community set-up and on and on. There is an expectation of everything being shaped around this group and the concept of not being able to change or fix a situation, rather having to endure it is one that they struggle with and if you ask them to examine their role in a situation, they are triggered or they complain or they cry.

I don't know if we can change all of it but I'm pretty sure that HR departments and schools/businesses/institutions can teach resilience and responsibility by simply expecting them and not giving credence to the histrionics. This takes sense and rational management though and has to avoid a return to not hearing children and their genuine concerns.

I must point out though, that there's always been a significant minority, they just band together more in this world of internet and globalisation. My DH is a copper and receives many complaints from people who didn't want to be arrested and it affected their mental health. They don't deny punching their spouses or driving drunk or nicking a television, they just don't believe they should have been arrested for it and they now have PTSD and want heads to roll. These people are of all ages and backgrounds.

I'm in the public sector and there an awful lot of older people who can't take criticism, blame others, & don't like to do things outside of their job spec. Maybe it's not an age thing ...

They’ve been raised at every level to expect to be mollycoddled by parents, school and college

How are dc mollycoddled by school these days?

I don't recognise this at all.

The younger generation definitely has more awareness of a) mental health issues, and b) the fact that they're being exploited by capitalism in general, and often their companies in particular. (Our generation were sold the lie that if we put up with being exploited we'd reap the rewards; the younger generation see through the bullshit.)

As a result they stand up for themselves and advocate for themselves in a way I wish I'd had the guts to at their age. That IS resilience in my book.

On the other hand if we're talking proper wet-lettuce behaviour I'm afraid that spans generations. And it's often the older generations who can't cope, demand to see the manager everywhere they go, get outraged by changing norms etc.

Also interesting that every time there's a thread about resilience it's centred around workplace behaviour.

That's exactly the point. Younger generations feel under no obligation to mould themselves into the perfect workers for a system that doesn't care about them and won't reward them.

I'm only learning now to advocate for doing my job primarily on my terms. Good on them for learning to do that earlier.

I can confirm this. My parents (who did not have adequate food or clothing as children and left school at 14) felt that my generation lacked resilliance and were indulged because we had these things and were lucky enough to stay on at school until we were 16.

It didn't take long for the SEN bashing to start I see. Very few SEN parents use the diagnosis as an 'excuse'. Educate yourself before making such ridiculously sweeping throw-away comments.

They might be aware of exploitation and capitalism but it's few of them who don't spend all of their pocket money and disposable income on Shein and Temu. There is a huge cognitive dissonance there!

They're also not particularly aware of when social media and influencers are exploiting their naivety or vulnerability.

Again, the above isn't just young people.

I went to a care home for a brief visit to an elderly relative on Christmas Day.

As I left I saw that the door of the next room was open.I looked in and saw an elderly lady sat in a chair. Her Christmas Dinner was congealing on a plate on a table the other side of the room.

After making various enquiries I found out that the lady was non-ambulant and a so-called " carer" had been told to take her the meal. Which she did. And that was it. There was no effort made to help the old lady reach the food, or enquire if she needed help cutting any of it up, or any adapted cutlery supplied.

I reported it to the Care Quality Commission, so of course I was then "the bad guy"

Thank goodness I'm not supervising these moronic individuals because i would be sorely tempted to bang their empty heads together.

I am in my early 40s and manage a team of mainly older (60s+) women. Alongside a couple of early 20s men and women. It is the older staff that seem to lack resilience, who don't cope with change or challenge, and are preoccupied with drama, where the younger team members are more adaptable and reflective, and dont need anywhere near the same amount of support or reassurance. Just my personal experience.

I bet I know the thread that inspired you @ToutesetBonne 🖍️🤣 and I absolutely agree.

Interesting. In my experience it seems to be the opposite. Our apprentices have been fantastic. But our 50+ are regularly off with stress and completely resistant to any sort of change, even if that change makes things easier for them as it's more efficient. The worst snowflakes in my team are older women, and I'm an older woman...

My dh and I were talking about this very thing fairly recently. We both work in very different industries and have seen the same thing.

Whilst it is great that young people are very aware of their rights and not being exploited, there is a fine line between not demonstrating willingness to go the extra mile and get involved wherever possible.

Both of us were reflecting that at the start of our careers we were always putting our hands up to get involved in projects that were not directly related to our roles. It meant a lot of hard work but we learned additional skills and got ourselves noticed.

Whilst there are some who recognise that they need to put themselves out there, there are too many who think that it will land on their lap, particularly as they are a graduate and therefore automatically entitled to greatness.

Ha! Cross posted! Glad it isn't just me!

Yes I agree OP. I blame gentle parenting and the softly softly approach. Never use the word No, never raise your voice, no real consequences for actions, taking about feelings and emotions, can stay off school because they don’t feel like going today….

The above is all lovely until they have to go out in to the real world. They literally can not cope with the reality of life. Life is hard and people will be stern with you and have expectations that you will be pulled up on if you don’t adhere to. There is no resilience and they so reliant on their parents for support.

One of my friends practices gentle parenting and whilst I adore her, I can’t help but think shes doing her DC no favours at all. Her DC refuses to go to school despite there being no justified reason. She has plenty of friends, is reasonably academic so doesn’t struggle, there is no SEN but she point blank refuses to go in. The teachers have to come to the car to persuade her to go in and sometimes she does, but more often than not, my friend drives her home. 🙄

I know of other parents who pander to their kids in this way too. This just didn’t happen in my day. School wasn’t a choice and you’d get a stern telling off from the head and you feared that.

All of this pandering is clearly doing them no favours as is evident when they start work. It’s doesn’t take a genius to see the link.