She died and no one said thank you 🥲

[Summervibes12]

My husbands aunt religiously has sent our children Christmas and birthday presents for the last 19 years. I am an absolute stickler for the children having to contact relatives to thank them.

My daughter’s birthday was 8 weeks ago and my husband’s aunt sent gift as normal. My daughter told me she is the only person she needs to thank as she wanted her Dad to make the call, and she would go on the phone and say thank you and husband would continue the conversation. Elderly lady, bad hearing and no mobile phone.

I reminded them numerous times to do this. She has a terminal illness and I was always reminding him to keep in touch. We don’t live in the same country.

At 4pm he told me his mother had rang to say Aunt was very unwell. I asked him had he rang her post our daughters birthday and he said no. I said that I thought that was really poor form and he was really cross at me. Said it was not the time to bring that up. She had a terminal illness and could make the effort to organise a present for our child and he couldn’t be arsed to thank her.

Over our 23 year marriage I have stepped in the past and rang for him but this just annoys him. So I stopped doing it.

She died tonight. I am just so annoyed at my husband. He thinks I am being unreasonable for bringing this up.

I get he is upset as he really loved her but men have to step up and show it.

YABU - I should have said nothing,
YANBU - I was right to call him out

Why are you trying to make this ladies death about you and your personal grievance with your husband?

this isn’t about you and what you think. The lady is dead, allow people to grieve without giving them more grief.

Why could your daughter not have sent a thank you note or card in all those weeks? That would have meant a lot if aunt was hard of hearing surely?

Agreed but the daughter obviously needs guidance on being considerate and polite.

That’s not what people are saying, the OP took responsibility for managing her husbands relationship with his family, that was her choice

Why did you not ask your daughter why she had not thanked the aunt? When I first read this I assumed the daughter was about six.

she would’ve known he loved her and was grateful.

would she have? if someone didn't bother getting in touch with me at all for months on end despite knowing I was close to death, and gave no acknowledgement to presents for their family's birthdays, I wouldn't feel particularly loved or that they were grateful.

I can see why it might not have been the best time to tell him right after her death but otoh that might be what could shock him into getting his act together. He can't have loved her that much if a phone call a few times a year was too much effort.

Your daughter should of thanked the aunt.

The kid is 17? 17? Lol I thought this was a small child we were talking about the 17 year old should be thanking herself not expecting daddy to do it, teach your child some independence for goodness sakes.

Let it go.
This is not the time to teach your husband a life lesson ( even if he needs it).
Teach your 17 year old to write a letter/ email/ land lines.
Grieve together rather than pull each other apart . Good luck. X

What a nasty post. If thanking the aunt was so important you could have got the child on the phone rather than wait around whinging about your husband in your head. Now you’re just trying to make him feel awful.

What exactly do you find difficult in being considerate of other people's feelings? Is it that you are focused purely on yourself and your own feelings? Genuine question as I don't understand.

I’m with you, OP. It’s not just about this one time, it’s about nearly two decades of her sending birthday presents without fail, and about your husband not picking up the phone to say thank you without you having to nag him first. I see why people say ‘now was not the time to bring this up’ but you’ve brought it up a million times before without being listened to. All I can say is that you will all miss this aunt every time there’s a birthday and no present arrives anymore. And it’s not about the present, but about the void she will leave behind. I know this, as our family has only two old aunts left who send birthday cards. The others have passed. And I know it’s only a few more years, and the letter box will be empty on our birthdays. Then we (or at least I) will realise even more how special that actually was, someone taking the time and putting in the thought and the energy to send a card or a present. So I think I understand you and why you have kept bringing it up, even at the last moment. I’m really sorry for your loss.

He’s learned that lesson the hard way. He’ll be feeling guilty enough as it is.. no need to twist the knife

Yeah I’m struggling with the idea of him not calling her as she was in her last months of life @Summervibes12 moreso than the absence of a thank you - when was the last time they spoke?

And does she have her own kids? Or any other nephews/nieces nearby? I hope she was surrounded by love and people who could bother to send a card or pick up the phone.

I just find it so depressing that you can be so kind and considerate to a family member or friend over a long period of time and then on your dying days they don’t bother with you.

I recently found out a friend I hadn’t spoke to for a few months had stage 4 cancer, I was going on a trip the next day but called her as soon as I got back.

How is she making it about herself?

she’s annoyed because this man let his aunt down.

he’s now grieving because he loved her so much….yet she was elderly and terminally ill and he didn’t contact her at all in the past 8 weeks, and for who knows how long beforehand.

it’s a total lack of common courtesy.

the woman was dying and she still managed to send a gift. In 8 weeks this man couldn’t find the time to lift the phone to a) say thank you, b) enquire as to how she is and let her know they are thinking about her.

As to the posters saying the daughter, at 17, should have done it independently, I don’t disagree. However I do take the OP’s point about the language barrier being difficult on the phone. In that case, I think a hard written card in the aunts native language would have been an obvious, easy option, and I’m sure the aunt would have appreciated it.

I have two nieces, ages 21 and 23. I used to get them birthday and Christmas gifts (toys etc) now I just send cash in a card.

They never, ever say thank you and I will now no longer be bothering. The cards are generally delivered via a relative so I know they get them. If I ever do say “did you get the card I sent?” They say “oh yeah thanks”.

Their mum, and another very similar relative of mine both just tut and say “oh I used to hate having to write thank you letters when I was a kid, I’m not making them do that”

Ive never expected a thank you card. But a quick “thanks” over WhatsApp is apparently too much to ask?

Hhhm, not buying it, I think it’s lazy and really shitty.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I think you’re being given a hard time on here. It’s poor behaviour from your husband and from what you’ve said you were made to feel a nag if you asked him to call his aunt and told you were overstepping if you did it yourself. You were in a no-win situation.

IMHO I think you said what you did out of sheer frustration and grief. He should have called her! Not just for the ‘thank you’ but to keep in touch during her final weeks.

Emotions are running high. I hope you all find peace soon. And I hope your DH has learned the hard way how putting things off can come back and bite you.

For you OP

*I have two nieces, ages 21 and 23. I used to get them birthday and Christmas gifts (toys etc) now I just send cash in a card.

They never, ever say thank you and I will now no longer be bothering. The cards are generally delivered via a relative so I know they get them. If I ever do say “did you get the card I sent?” They say “oh yeah thanks”.*

You’re quite right @sundaybloodysunday12 don't bother
if their lack of acknowledgment/thank you (understandably) irritates or offends you.

And yeah you’re right a WhatsApp thanks is very easy to do if they have your number.

If she had a mobile my daughter would have messaged herself.

As if that was the only option available!

You seem determined to pin a 17yr olds lack of "thank you" on her dad rather than her!

Surprised you are still sending these rude, ungrateful nieces cash. I did the same with my nephews until they were 18, then stopped as never got acknowledgment. i was not too bothered, but I know it upset my DM never to get thanks from any of her grandchildren.

Your DD is 17 and her Daddy has to make the call for her?
17, not 7?
She is an adult FFS - capable of making a call since by herself since she was about12?
You may have insisted on your children doing this, but it appears your DD sees it as an onerous obligation that she has to either do or delegate - sadly not that you've taught her good ,manners.

Leave it be. It'll have been the last thing on the aunts mind I'm sure. Why would you want to make him or your child feel worse?! This is a you problem, I'm with your hubby 100%

Neither has her father.

I think I get this OP. My DH's dad remarried when DH was an adult, the only grandma on that side of the family our kids knew. She was lovely with our kids, but withdrew over covid due to health vulnerabilities and focused on her own immediate family, fair enough.

I was always the one who nagged our kids to ring her to keep in touch. One time I was away and asked my DH to ensure Dd2 (15 at the time) To rang her for a chat. Dh/Dd2 didn't do it and she died the next week.
I felt more guilty about the lack of contact, than DH did... Dd2 felt guilty for not ringing, lesson learnt. I hope

Women keep using this term nagging to refer to themselves.

Why is it not called nagging when men do the same?

It's not about their feelings or even my own. I fully know what I should do, usually I even want to do, I just often can't / don't. I know this sounds ridiculous but it's what happens. I do wonder if it is related to ADHD, I am not diagnosed and have always been a bit sniffy about it but I am coming to realise I have a lot of the issues ADHDers experience.