She died and no one said thank you 🥲

[Summervibes12]

My husbands aunt religiously has sent our children Christmas and birthday presents for the last 19 years. I am an absolute stickler for the children having to contact relatives to thank them.

My daughter’s birthday was 8 weeks ago and my husband’s aunt sent gift as normal. My daughter told me she is the only person she needs to thank as she wanted her Dad to make the call, and she would go on the phone and say thank you and husband would continue the conversation. Elderly lady, bad hearing and no mobile phone.

I reminded them numerous times to do this. She has a terminal illness and I was always reminding him to keep in touch. We don’t live in the same country.

At 4pm he told me his mother had rang to say Aunt was very unwell. I asked him had he rang her post our daughters birthday and he said no. I said that I thought that was really poor form and he was really cross at me. Said it was not the time to bring that up. She had a terminal illness and could make the effort to organise a present for our child and he couldn’t be arsed to thank her.

Over our 23 year marriage I have stepped in the past and rang for him but this just annoys him. So I stopped doing it.

She died tonight. I am just so annoyed at my husband. He thinks I am being unreasonable for bringing this up.

I get he is upset as he really loved her but men have to step up and show it.

YABU - I should have said nothing,
YANBU - I was right to call him out

Your last sentence that 'men have to step up' is a little off-putting. This isn't about men it's about one particular man, your DH. Perhaps there are wider things on your mind and your DH is getting the wrath of this for what is a semi trivial matter of not getting around to say thanks to Aunt once in 19 years.

This he didn’t need calling out on it at all. Indeed he probably was putting it off because he knew that it would be the last time he would speak to her and didn’t want that to happen to the point he never got to do it

Stop mentioning it but step back from reminding him to call his parents etc

He couldn't be arsed to call his aunt even to chat.

Now he's mired in grief.

Ok.

Either your daughter is in a pattern of thanking anyone (all relatives including yours) or not. Time to step back and let her get on with it unless there are special needs. Maybe (not now) remind her of normal mail.
Dont start nagging her as well.

You had a relationship with this woman for many years, but allowed him to dictate that you shouldn't phone her?? How sad.

I wont vote because it's not unreasonable for you to be annoyed at your husband - and your daughter who could have done more to push her father - but now is not the time to raise it.

I understand what you feel. This is the kind of thing that I’d be thinking about as I’d feel sad at the thought that the aunt passed thinking we didn’t care about the effort she went to for the present and that she was loved by us as a family unit. And I think you’re frustrated by the fact no call was made likely due to your DH’s selfishness/laziness. That’s on him and he knows it and I think you were right to say something. The only thing I would add is I wonder if he wasn’t keen on calling because he knew she was really ill and was putting it off because he was was worried about what to say? Just a thought.
if it helps, I think the aunt absolutely knew she was appreciated as there’d been all the other thank yous and I’m sure in other ways too over the years. So don’t worry about that.
Re your DH, he needs to manage his relationships with his family and often what you put in, you get out.
best wishes x

So why didn’t you call her then?

also sorry but your daughter is seventeen?! She could have phoned her. Your poor husband, he’s just lost a relative and you’re trying to make him feel worse.

Couldn’t you or your dd have just sent a thank you card instead?

It sounds like you are from a culture with thinking patterns similar to those Britain had once upon a time. Either that or old fashioned. You don’t sound unreasonable to me therefore - I think gratitude is a form of common decency too. You might want to consider the problem of different values in a family and address it that way in future.

For the 6th time to yet another person who doesn’t read the full thread, I amended this.

I agree your DH should have called her, not because of the gift but because she was so unwell and he should have kept in touch.

But your DD should have made a call herself, or sent a note. I know she says she struggled because her great aunt was hard of hearing and had a strong accent. What will she do if she's working and comes up against people who are the same? Not only was it a nice thing for her to make the call herself but it's good practice for her fast looming adulthood. Mum or dad can't keep making calls that are 'awkward' for her!

The fact that the aunt was overseas isn't a reason for not sending a note or letter. I can understand that sending a note overseas can take some time (not as long as 8 weeks though...) but you can send on line physical cards like Moon Pig etc nowadays so it's not an excuse.

I agree with others that it's not the right time to bring any of this up with either of them but I would have a gentle word with your daughter to encourage her to step up in future rather than leave it to someone else to start what she know is the right thing to do.

I am sorry for your family's loss.

Maybe you should RTFT, I immediately amended this and posted straight away. Idiot.

Wow these responses are different to mine. Completely understand, OP.

You should have sorted it years ago. Not now. Too late.

And you could have posted a thank you letter if the phone doesn't work. Quite easy.

She is dead. Let it go. I doubt the aunt was thinking about this as she lay dying. You seem like you just want an argument.

A 17 year old should have been able to put a card in the post if making a phonecall to the aunt independently was so impossible for her.

Let it go.

You're not helping anyone and your running the risk of causing a lot of upset.

In my family, we thank for gifts. So I encourage / force children to do that with my family

In my DHs family, they don't thank. I think it's rude but have taken the approach that it's his family, not my place to criticise their dynamics. So I don't get involved

I think you putting your need to have performative good manners ahead of

1.Your child's comfort for how ever many years having to phone a deaf distant relative who she can't understand. Text messages to your other relatives (with mobiles) are fine according to your posts. So why not send this one (without a mobile) a greetings card with an equivalent message

2.Your husband's sadness over knowing his aunt was dying for those 8 weeks and then his grief over her death

Is awful and petty.

Maybe there was never a good time to phone and say thank you for the gift, because your husband thought it was such a petty and unimportant thing in the grand scheme of her impending mortality. Maybe your husband couldn't face phoning his aunt because then he'd have to face up to her death. Who knows.

What's even worse is your timing now in confronting your husband over this when he literally just found out. Why are you treating the people close to you so poorly when you seem to value distant relative's feelings ( or perhaps their good opinion of you?) so much?

Why have you badgered him for your entire relationship about how he deals with HIS family?! To the point where you’re doing it the day the woman died?

Do you honestly believe a dying woman was obsessing over the lack of second-hand thanks being passed from your kids via your husband?

This is all about you and your performative good manners.

How fucking odd of you.

Your daughter should have written a thank you note. I understand why she couldn't have made the phonecall alone, but she could write a brief note without help.

Your husband should have been making regular phone calls to his aunt. Maybe this would be a good time for him to think about whether there are any other family members he could be staying in closer contact with.

You could have picked a better moment I suppose.

I voted YABU, because I believe that thanking his aunt and getting the kids to do the same, was his responsibility. They also didn't do it because they felt grateful, instead they did it out of a sense of obligation fueled by you.

It's polite to thank someone for a gift, but it's also disingenuous if you only do it from a sense of obligation and/or pressure from someone else.

It might also be that the aunt sent the gift out of habit and obligation and not because they were particularly close. At least it seems that your daughter wasn't that close to her.

Personally, I think you should relax a little and let people figure out their own way of communicating and maintaining a relationship with other people. This applies to your daughter, as she is old enough to figure this out on her own; but it goes double for your husband, who is already a grown man.

She's just died!

That's the problem