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Original poster

Husband too defensive of SIL

292 replies

birdsfeather · 23/05/2025 14:50

DH and I have been married for about 5 years. Since before we were even married, DH seemed strangely close to his brother's wife. At first I thought nothing of this, until I met her. SIL is the ultimate "mean girl." She is in love with herself, brags about everything, especially things she knows she has that I may not, constantly looking for flattery from both her husband and mine, and since the day I met her pretends I am not in the room. She won't speak to me or eye contact but only talks to the men, like she is holding court with how adorable she is. She is very spoiled. She grew up with money and refused to work a day in her life, even before kids. She is an expert at making little comments and jabs at me that the men are completely oblivious to and then sitting with a satisfied smile while I silently stew. They are literally completely oblivious of everything about her.

DH did nothing but sing her praises from before I even met her, and I kept my opinions about her to myself for the first couple years of our marriage, even when visit after visit, she exhibited this nasty behavior. Less than a week after I found out I was pregnant (and having some early complications), DH jumped on a plane to go support SIL when her father died. Since the day I have met him, he calls her family "his family" and it took years before I got him to understand that her family are his brother's in-laws, and even then he was only able to consider this as a possibility when I asked, "Well, does your brother consider my parents to be HIS family?" His brother expects my husband to drop everything when his wife has some new drama good or bad, but I/we have had our own problems (health scares, pet deaths, etc) over the years and we have never looked to the brother for any sort of sympathy or support, nor would he be bothered to offer it. When we had our first child, DH did not get me flowers but a year later, when his brother's wife had their first baby, he sent her flowers to the hospital. I was furious and at this point, I let my feelings be known. It all came out and caused a huge argument. DH absolutely doesn't see my side of this, thinks so highly of his brother's wife, scoffed when I gave examples of nasty things SIL has said, and refused to even consider the validity of my feelings until I finally said that I refused to spend any more time with this woman. That he can see them on his own.

Now his entire family hates me, because of course, SIL was the original wife and I am the one who shunned their little darling. Her husband adores her and clearly, mine does too! She can do NO wrong in their eyes. DH and I have had a strained marriage in general, and it's so upsetting to me that she is Miss Perfect in his eyes while I am the person he argues with. A large part of the source of our arguments is that he has accused me of having such a problem with his family, when I am simply responding to the way I have been treated by them! I have expressed countless times how excited I was to finally get a sister/SIL, only to feel like I was shunned from day one, but DH views it as me vs his family and by his family, he means his brother's wife, too. I just feel like they made me the outcast and my DH has not helped matters.

OP posts:
AyeDeadOn · 23/05/2025 19:32

EmeraldShamrock000 · 23/05/2025 19:27

Well I agree his actions were appalling leaving OP in hospital.
I would be extremely hurt too.
OP there is only two options, stay or leave.
Just to add, I have met people like your SIL and although they can be irritating to begin with, if you put your feelings aside around her annoyances, you might find, she is warm and kind too, we're all a product of our upbringing, her parents might have given her very high self-esteem, but that is her, look past it, she'll be aware you're judging her, there is no need. She is not going to change for you, try accepting her.

Why do you think he left her in hospital?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 23/05/2025 19:37

I have no idea why?
Travelling for his SIL Father funeral is not a good enough reason. His own mother's, yes.

Hulabalu · 23/05/2025 19:48

CosyLemur · 23/05/2025 17:45

She's a mean girl but here you are slagging off the whole of your DHs family on Mumsnet!

Unhelpful comment , troll alert 🚨

thetrumanshow · 23/05/2025 19:50

Hulabalu · 23/05/2025 19:48

Unhelpful comment , troll alert 🚨

Show quote history

are you self-reporting yourself as a troll? That's a first.

GarlicPile · 23/05/2025 19:51

It doesn't look at all outlandish to me. It's very normal for dysfunctional families to have a 'golden child', believed superior in every way to the other children. The picture OP's painting of her in-laws is of a family that lionises her husband's brother, while her husband has a supporting role.

Golden Boy lands a suitable wife, accomplished and a bit full of herself - maybe even the 'golden child' of her own birth family. As an extension of the chosen one, she steps into an elevated position and embraces it.

Support Brother's wife, by contrast, is an afterthought. It doesn't really matter whether he's married: his natural function is seen as supporting his glorious sibling and, now, his glorious wife. If @birdsfeather actually wanted to be woven into this psychodrama, her only viable role would be as an additional supporter to the golden couple. In these scenarios, supporters aren't allowed to have needs of their own.

It'd be completely natural for a Support Brother to feel envious of the Golden Child, so much 'better' than him in every way. Natural, too, for him to feel envious, even covetous, of his Golden Wife ... so much better than his, in every way.

The only people who can break an entrenched family pattern are the family members. They rarely do. OP could play with it for a while, but her options will stay the same: accept the role as insignificant extra, or walk right away from it all.

Livelaughblocked · 23/05/2025 19:51

birdsfeather · 23/05/2025 14:50

DH and I have been married for about 5 years. Since before we were even married, DH seemed strangely close to his brother's wife. At first I thought nothing of this, until I met her. SIL is the ultimate "mean girl." She is in love with herself, brags about everything, especially things she knows she has that I may not, constantly looking for flattery from both her husband and mine, and since the day I met her pretends I am not in the room. She won't speak to me or eye contact but only talks to the men, like she is holding court with how adorable she is. She is very spoiled. She grew up with money and refused to work a day in her life, even before kids. She is an expert at making little comments and jabs at me that the men are completely oblivious to and then sitting with a satisfied smile while I silently stew. They are literally completely oblivious of everything about her.

DH did nothing but sing her praises from before I even met her, and I kept my opinions about her to myself for the first couple years of our marriage, even when visit after visit, she exhibited this nasty behavior. Less than a week after I found out I was pregnant (and having some early complications), DH jumped on a plane to go support SIL when her father died. Since the day I have met him, he calls her family "his family" and it took years before I got him to understand that her family are his brother's in-laws, and even then he was only able to consider this as a possibility when I asked, "Well, does your brother consider my parents to be HIS family?" His brother expects my husband to drop everything when his wife has some new drama good or bad, but I/we have had our own problems (health scares, pet deaths, etc) over the years and we have never looked to the brother for any sort of sympathy or support, nor would he be bothered to offer it. When we had our first child, DH did not get me flowers but a year later, when his brother's wife had their first baby, he sent her flowers to the hospital. I was furious and at this point, I let my feelings be known. It all came out and caused a huge argument. DH absolutely doesn't see my side of this, thinks so highly of his brother's wife, scoffed when I gave examples of nasty things SIL has said, and refused to even consider the validity of my feelings until I finally said that I refused to spend any more time with this woman. That he can see them on his own.

Now his entire family hates me, because of course, SIL was the original wife and I am the one who shunned their little darling. Her husband adores her and clearly, mine does too! She can do NO wrong in their eyes. DH and I have had a strained marriage in general, and it's so upsetting to me that she is Miss Perfect in his eyes while I am the person he argues with. A large part of the source of our arguments is that he has accused me of having such a problem with his family, when I am simply responding to the way I have been treated by them! I have expressed countless times how excited I was to finally get a sister/SIL, only to feel like I was shunned from day one, but DH views it as me vs his family and by his family, he means his brother's wife, too. I just feel like they made me the outcast and my DH has not helped matters.

Your SIL and DH sound like a total James Blunt.

It sounds like you’ve been feeling overlooked and emotionally unsupported in your marriage for a long time, especially when it comes to how your husband prioritizes his brother’s wife and her family over you. What you’re describing is a pattern where your feelings are dismissed, and you’re left out of the emotional ‘inner circle’ of the family. That can be incredibly painful. Classic triangulation

Your husband seems to have a deep attachment to his brother and sister-in-law, so much so that he treats them like his primary emotional family. The problem is, you’ve become the outsider in your own relationship. That’s not fair, and it’s not okay.

You’re not wrong for wanting to feel valued, supported, and included, especially during big life moments like pregnancy or when you're struggling. What’s happening isn’t just about the sister-in-law’s behavior. It’s about how your husband responds, or doesn’t , when you need him to have your back.

This isn’t about you being ‘difficult.’ It’s about emotional safety. And you deserve a relationship where your feelings matter and you don’t feel like you’re in a constant competition for attention or respect.

WildflowerConstellations · 23/05/2025 20:10

"But she's faaaaamily", Grant Mitchell

Nanny0gg · 23/05/2025 20:20

DublinLaLaLa · 23/05/2025 15:58

DH didn’t get me flowers after either of our children being born. I would have found it odd. I wanted practical help not gifts!

Show quote history

It's still a normal thing to do, especially if you'd done it for your sil

Butchyrestingface · 23/05/2025 20:26

WildflowerConstellations · 23/05/2025 20:10

"But she's faaaaamily", Grant Mitchell

I think you're onto something. SiL is Shazza, BiL is Phil, OP's husband is Grant and poor OP is Tiffany.

Hulabalu · 23/05/2025 20:58

thetrumanshow · 23/05/2025 19:50

are you self-reporting yourself as a troll? That's a first.

Show quote history

Stupid comment from another troll

RockOrAHardplace · 23/05/2025 20:59

nonmerci99 · 23/05/2025 19:04

I don’t question the veracity, no. Her feelings are valid, but I do question how she’s presenting the supposed terrible misdeeds of her husband. I only see two — buying flowers, and flying to a funeral when he should have stayed to support her.

The bigger issue is whether OP loves her husband and wants to stay with him, but I haven’t seen her address that. I am mystified by the catty comments from so many people on this thread, though. Totally bizarre behaviour.

Show quote history

Going to a funeral when he should have stayed with his potentially miscarrying wife - that alone is significant to me - his wife and child should be his priority

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 23/05/2025 21:20

@birdsfeather I absolutely get the total frustration you are feeling towards sil and your dh. I would be livid too. but what is happening at the moment, this week, this month to bring all the frustration and anger back to the fore?? I will also say, if you love your husband, then stay but make it impossible for him to go running after his bro and sil at the drop of a hat. ie, if bro phones up and desperately needs dh to go to him for sil, you just leave the house, leave the kid and the pets, and jump in the car. just go to a local hotel for a couple of nights. keep doing this and tell him you are not tolerating being second fiddle to his family any more. if he wants you to stay then he has to make the effort. if he goes to bro and sil then you just empty joint account, take the kids and go live elsewhere immediately!

Gemmawemma9 · 23/05/2025 21:22

This is one of the weirdest things I’ve ever read on here. Seriously bizarre, I’m not surprised you’re so put out. It really IS like he’s in love with her!
So, the questions you need to be asking yourself now, OP. How long are you willing to put up with this? What’s your “hill to die on”, so to speak. You can’t make him prefer you over her. So what are you prepared to accept, relationship wise?
Would your husband be open to relationship counselling? I think it would be really helpful for him to hear an outsiders perspective on this dynamic.

thetrumanshow · 23/05/2025 21:29

Hulabalu · 23/05/2025 20:58

Stupid comment from another troll

Show quote history

you don't understand the definition of "troll" do you 😂

Hulabalu · 23/05/2025 22:05

thetrumanshow · 23/05/2025 21:29

you don't understand the definition of "troll" do you 😂

Show quote history

You don’t understand. Re-read the quote history and try to understand.

toomuchfaff · 23/05/2025 22:05

Afreshone · 23/05/2025 14:54

Since before we were even married, DH seemed strangely close to his brother's wife.

and you thought… “yep, this is the man I want to marry and spend my life with”

I mean Op, you knew about this before you married. A little odd to crack on nonetheless

Yep. Why did you marry a man in love with his brothers wife?

rainingsnoring · 23/05/2025 22:10

nonmerci99 · 23/05/2025 19:08

I mean, no, I haven’t done that. Why are you so angry? I’m trying to offer someone advice, since they’ve asked for it.

Maybe get off the internet for a bit and go for a walk.

Show quote history

Hilarious! You can't actually argue with what I have said so try to twist things and make it personal by pretending that I am angry. Sorry but it didn't work.

You did do it by the way. It's written in your posts for you to check.

Twoleggedhorse · 24/05/2025 00:32

GarlicPile · 23/05/2025 19:51

It doesn't look at all outlandish to me. It's very normal for dysfunctional families to have a 'golden child', believed superior in every way to the other children. The picture OP's painting of her in-laws is of a family that lionises her husband's brother, while her husband has a supporting role.

Golden Boy lands a suitable wife, accomplished and a bit full of herself - maybe even the 'golden child' of her own birth family. As an extension of the chosen one, she steps into an elevated position and embraces it.

Support Brother's wife, by contrast, is an afterthought. It doesn't really matter whether he's married: his natural function is seen as supporting his glorious sibling and, now, his glorious wife. If @birdsfeather actually wanted to be woven into this psychodrama, her only viable role would be as an additional supporter to the golden couple. In these scenarios, supporters aren't allowed to have needs of their own.

It'd be completely natural for a Support Brother to feel envious of the Golden Child, so much 'better' than him in every way. Natural, too, for him to feel envious, even covetous, of his Golden Wife ... so much better than his, in every way.

The only people who can break an entrenched family pattern are the family members. They rarely do. OP could play with it for a while, but her options will stay the same: accept the role as insignificant extra, or walk right away from it all.

This.

I think you should consider you and your dh seeing a therapist. I think a good therapist would open up the possibilities of this written here, There’s lots to unpack in what you describe and I think a professional will be needed to do this.

Renabrook · 24/05/2025 03:10

So what were his good points that you had the light bulb moment and thought marrying him was a great idea?

Notsosure1 · 24/05/2025 04:13

Butchyrestingface · 23/05/2025 15:03

Less than a week after I found out I was pregnant (and having some early complications), DH jumped on a plane to go support SIL when her father died.

And her actual husband is on board with this shite? Maybe the two of you should run off into the sunset together.

But I agree with PP. The word 'DISASTER' was writ a mile high on the wall in bold red letters but still you decided marrying this one was a good idea.

Since you say the marriage is strained anyway, why not just knock the whole thing on the head and leave them to their little ... whatever.

If something happened to his brother he would be in their like a shot absolutely no question. It would start off as supporting her and they’d end up married with his parents full blessing. Start looking elsewhere OP. Or leave first if you want to prove your point and they don’t say you were having an affair. But no matter what you do they’ll all paint you in a bad light so you may as well do what makes you and your kids happy.

whynotmereally · 24/05/2025 06:00

The issue is you said nothing then exploded. You should have mentioned little things, “sil said xyz what do you think she meant?” And called her out in public, “ sorry sil can you just repeat that?” In a voice to draw everyone’s attention.

You have ostracised yourself from the family but now you’re the bad guy. If you don’t want anything to do with your in-laws fair enough but you need to figure out if you and your husband can sort things out. Why can’t he understand how sil treats you is different to how sil treats him.

Lurkingandlearning · 24/05/2025 06:06

That he is so obviously in love with his SIL is bad enough but his brother wanting him to play deputy husband to his wife is truly weird

Tandora · 24/05/2025 06:45

Sounds like there are two sides of this story. You haven’t actually given any examples of what your SIL has done? You sound incredibly jealous of her.

Also I don’t get this: “Well, does your brother consider my parents to be HIS family”, surely the equivalent is whether his brother sees you as family, not your parents?!

Tandora · 24/05/2025 06:51

BunnyLake · 23/05/2025 17:29

He bought her flowers when she had a baby and didn't get you any when you had a baby? Wow, that is shocking! To be honest OP I wouldn’t stay with a man who is behaving like a love sick teenager over his brother’s wife. It’s humiliating and very disrespectful towards you.

Just read your last update. This marriage in untenable because he will always put his family and their expectations before you, regardless of the sil. They sound an entitled, domineering nightmare.

Edited

He bought her flowers when she had a baby and didn't get you any when you had a baby? Wow, that is shocking!

Er presumably because when his wife had a baby it was HIS OWN BABY, and he therefore had a range of much more important things he needed to focus on/ do for his wife and his baby to support his new family. Flowers really? That’s what you cared about receiving from your partner after you gave birth?
Are people really this jealous and petty? Seriously?

LHR2JFK · 24/05/2025 07:08

BagelandEggs · 23/05/2025 18:20

It sounds like it's a weird competitive dynamic between the brothers which started before your husband met you and the brother and wife seem to enjoy! Does your husband's family worship her because she comes from a rich family and they are snobbish about it? It's like when you have a friend who always has to have all the attention and is competitive with you because she's incredibly insecure and all the blokes still think she's amazing because she flirts with them! I would either leave the whole lot of them or be the mature person who stays out of it and just laughs at their ridiculous shenanigans!

This was my line of thinking too. What age was your husband when SIL came on the scene and what is the age gap between them.