Husband too defensive of SIL

[birdsfeather]

DH and I have been married for about 5 years. Since before we were even married, DH seemed strangely close to his brother's wife. At first I thought nothing of this, until I met her. SIL is the ultimate "mean girl." She is in love with herself, brags about everything, especially things she knows she has that I may not, constantly looking for flattery from both her husband and mine, and since the day I met her pretends I am not in the room. She won't speak to me or eye contact but only talks to the men, like she is holding court with how adorable she is. She is very spoiled. She grew up with money and refused to work a day in her life, even before kids. She is an expert at making little comments and jabs at me that the men are completely oblivious to and then sitting with a satisfied smile while I silently stew. They are literally completely oblivious of everything about her.

DH did nothing but sing her praises from before I even met her, and I kept my opinions about her to myself for the first couple years of our marriage, even when visit after visit, she exhibited this nasty behavior. Less than a week after I found out I was pregnant (and having some early complications), DH jumped on a plane to go support SIL when her father died. Since the day I have met him, he calls her family "his family" and it took years before I got him to understand that her family are his brother's in-laws, and even then he was only able to consider this as a possibility when I asked, "Well, does your brother consider my parents to be HIS family?" His brother expects my husband to drop everything when his wife has some new drama good or bad, but I/we have had our own problems (health scares, pet deaths, etc) over the years and we have never looked to the brother for any sort of sympathy or support, nor would he be bothered to offer it. When we had our first child, DH did not get me flowers but a year later, when his brother's wife had their first baby, he sent her flowers to the hospital. I was furious and at this point, I let my feelings be known. It all came out and caused a huge argument. DH absolutely doesn't see my side of this, thinks so highly of his brother's wife, scoffed when I gave examples of nasty things SIL has said, and refused to even consider the validity of my feelings until I finally said that I refused to spend any more time with this woman. That he can see them on his own.

Now his entire family hates me, because of course, SIL was the original wife and I am the one who shunned their little darling. Her husband adores her and clearly, mine does too! She can do NO wrong in their eyes. DH and I have had a strained marriage in general, and it's so upsetting to me that she is Miss Perfect in his eyes while I am the person he argues with. A large part of the source of our arguments is that he has accused me of having such a problem with his family, when I am simply responding to the way I have been treated by them! I have expressed countless times how excited I was to finally get a sister/SIL, only to feel like I was shunned from day one, but DH views it as me vs his family and by his family, he means his brother's wife, too. I just feel like they made me the outcast and my DH has not helped matters.

I mean, this could not be more childish. You can disagree with me without trying to insult me personally and using jargon to diminish my interpretation of this one-sided post. Honestly, get a grip.

I don’t question the veracity, no. Her feelings are valid, but I do question how she’s presenting the supposed terrible misdeeds of her husband. I only see two — buying flowers, and flying to a funeral when he should have stayed to support her.

The bigger issue is whether OP loves her husband and wants to stay with him, but I haven’t seen her address that. I am mystified by the catty comments from so many people on this thread, though. Totally bizarre behaviour.

You seem to be making lots of assumptions in favour of the husband and his family. Pretty cruel that you are so desperate to make things up to justify this man leaving his wife who is bleeding and likely to miscarry, whether she was in hospital or had been discharged the day before. Does it really matter whether she was in hospital or discharge a day or two before? Do Irish people really think it's okay to leave their partner alone in such a situation?

She comes across as very confident and blunt without a filter.
I don't feel she hates you, as much as you hate her, it comes across like you are very sensitive around her.
I've been broke, financially struggling, but I'd never to offended by other people's sounding off about finances.

It does sound like there is a mean girl in that family, but I am not sure that is the SIL

So you accuse others of projection and making things up and then invent a lengthy narrative, based on nothing but your own imagination and decide that the OP is exaggerating because she decided to refer to her threatened miscarriage as a 'complication of pregnancy' in her first post.
Just a tiny bit of pot calling the kettle black there @nonmerci99!

I mean, no, I haven’t done that. Why are you so angry? I’m trying to offer someone advice, since they’ve asked for it.

Maybe get off the internet for a bit and go for a walk.

Do Irish people really think it's okay to leave their partner alone in such a situation?
@rainingsnoring would you like to elaborate on your offensive question?

Exactly !

you are kind

Stupid, yes, but I would have said "offensive" first!

What catty comments? It's pretty catty to dismiss the fact that this 'DH' chose to leave his wife bleeding and probably miscarrying his child to fly to the funeral of someone who he isn't related to and then make up a narrative to excuse him.

OP said she doesn't want her husband talking about details of her pregnancy to his family. I'm not making assumptions. She seems to want very clear, distanced boundaries. Which is fine. But it's not fine to then be outraged by her SIL having a closer relationship with the in laws. Yes, I absolutely would think it was OK for my husband to go to his siblings father in law's funeral even if I had been in hospital during the previous week, provided I was well enough to be left alone. I'd probably go to my mum's actually. But maybe that's too "enmeshed" for mumsnet.

You need to read this in the context of @AyeDeadOn's previous posts. She explained that it was normal within Irish families to go to family events of various in laws. Fair enough. She has, however, had nothing to say about whether it is normal in Irish families to leave your wife miscarrying your own child. I suspect that it is not at all normal but she is still trying to make excuses for him. I'm pretty sure most people, Irish or not would not think this was reasonable.

See previous post.

what I find astonishing on this thread is the level of hatred and bitterness against a woman no-one knows, and whose only description comes from someone insanely jealous who admits herself she hates her.

Again, would a mother - and a father, really encourage one of their sons to fall or be in love with the wife of their other son? Seriously? Is that a plot straight out of Eastenders or something 😂

If she was in hospital miscarrying then no, I wouldn't expect my husband to leave. I suspect this wasn't the case though. I also wonder whether the OP permitted her husband to explain the situation to his family, or whether she just expected him to give no reason for not attending the funeral, as she has said she didn't want her inlaws being told details of her pregnancy.

Okay, well at least that's a straight answer!
For me, and probably the majority of women, they would expect their partner to prioritise them and their own child with a threatened miscarriage or any sort of illness over their brother's in laws. If you want others to accept that you are close to your whole extended family, which is great in some ways, it would be good it you could also accept that many others would prioritise their immediate family (partner, children, followed by parents/siblings).

Same. It is incredible really!

Lots of suspicions there! At least we agree that we would not expect our DH's to leave us in hospital having a miscarriage!

I can accept that different people view extended family relationships differently. I think the OP struggles to accept that her husband does, though.

Not lots. One. I think if OP had been in hospital, miscarrying, she would have mentioned it.

I can't speak from others but I haven't made any comments about the SIL at all. This is a DH and in law problem imo. What is frequently disappointing on a site called 'Mumsnet' is when some women knock other women who come on here clearly asking for support.

I don't agree with that, no. Being close to your family is still compatible with being a supportive, kind spouse.

You knew all this and still married him?!?

Tell us some of his good points.

Well I agree his actions were appalling leaving OP in hospital.
I would be extremely hurt too.
OP there is only two options, stay or leave.
Just to add, I have met people like your SIL and although they can be irritating to begin with, if you put your feelings aside around her annoyances, you might find, she is warm and kind too, we're all a product of our upbringing, her parents might have given her very high self-esteem, but that is her, look past it, she'll be aware you're judging her, there is no need. She is not going to change for you, try accepting her.