Husband too defensive of SIL

[birdsfeather]

DH and I have been married for about 5 years. Since before we were even married, DH seemed strangely close to his brother's wife. At first I thought nothing of this, until I met her. SIL is the ultimate "mean girl." She is in love with herself, brags about everything, especially things she knows she has that I may not, constantly looking for flattery from both her husband and mine, and since the day I met her pretends I am not in the room. She won't speak to me or eye contact but only talks to the men, like she is holding court with how adorable she is. She is very spoiled. She grew up with money and refused to work a day in her life, even before kids. She is an expert at making little comments and jabs at me that the men are completely oblivious to and then sitting with a satisfied smile while I silently stew. They are literally completely oblivious of everything about her.

DH did nothing but sing her praises from before I even met her, and I kept my opinions about her to myself for the first couple years of our marriage, even when visit after visit, she exhibited this nasty behavior. Less than a week after I found out I was pregnant (and having some early complications), DH jumped on a plane to go support SIL when her father died. Since the day I have met him, he calls her family "his family" and it took years before I got him to understand that her family are his brother's in-laws, and even then he was only able to consider this as a possibility when I asked, "Well, does your brother consider my parents to be HIS family?" His brother expects my husband to drop everything when his wife has some new drama good or bad, but I/we have had our own problems (health scares, pet deaths, etc) over the years and we have never looked to the brother for any sort of sympathy or support, nor would he be bothered to offer it. When we had our first child, DH did not get me flowers but a year later, when his brother's wife had their first baby, he sent her flowers to the hospital. I was furious and at this point, I let my feelings be known. It all came out and caused a huge argument. DH absolutely doesn't see my side of this, thinks so highly of his brother's wife, scoffed when I gave examples of nasty things SIL has said, and refused to even consider the validity of my feelings until I finally said that I refused to spend any more time with this woman. That he can see them on his own.

Now his entire family hates me, because of course, SIL was the original wife and I am the one who shunned their little darling. Her husband adores her and clearly, mine does too! She can do NO wrong in their eyes. DH and I have had a strained marriage in general, and it's so upsetting to me that she is Miss Perfect in his eyes while I am the person he argues with. A large part of the source of our arguments is that he has accused me of having such a problem with his family, when I am simply responding to the way I have been treated by them! I have expressed countless times how excited I was to finally get a sister/SIL, only to feel like I was shunned from day one, but DH views it as me vs his family and by his family, he means his brother's wife, too. I just feel like they made me the outcast and my DH has not helped matters.

@birdsfeather, the culture of this family is poisonous, as they are invested in an extreme form of codependency and enmeshment. They’re deeply validated by their rigid roles and scripts, one of which is idealizing and worshiping SIL. Deviating from the group’s expectations results in chastisement and rejection, as you have discovered.

Your H’s primary emotional relationship is with SIL. He is besotted with her and gains enormous gratification from the feelings engendered by revering and adoring her and by receiving her attention. He thrives on pleasing her, golden BIL and PIL. As the outsider who went rogue and refuses to kowtow to SIL, you are marginalized by H and the others. You are the lowest person on the totem pole and have Appliance Wife status, so respecting, supporting, and empathizing with you are not a priority for him.

@birdsfeather, I suggest that you access IC to examine why you are settling for this unbalanced, destructive marriage which is a damaging relationship model for your child. H is obsessed with SIL and puts her first. He is toxically dependent on the approval of his family of origin, and he puts you last. This type of extreme enmeshment takes years of therapy to overcome, even by a motivated person, which H is not.

I strongly advise you to make an exit plan and file for divorce.

I've had two people in my life who sound exactly like your SIL - 'MissPerfect/queenBee/meangirl types. One was a close family relative and from experience I know that everyone will twist whatever happens so that MissPerfect is seen in a good light, regardless of actual facts. In fact, even in the face of glaring evidence the person gets away with things by sharing the blame 'we both made mistakes' or denying accountability 'there was a 'misunderstanding'. My family relative actually convinced her entire family to take a huge cut on the inheritance so that her daughter could buy the family home for half price. They know in theory that they were robbed and manipulated into it, but have this cognitive dissonance thing going on where they can't compute she might have done something wrong!

I've walked away from both relationships and feel much better for it. Of course, it's not that easy for you as you have a child and presumably are happy otherwise with your husband but if he doesn't start taking your side completely and seeing where you are coming from it doesn't bode well. Your SIL will never change. We all know how women are able to be total bitches to other women and get away with the snide comments or looks that men (or other women who it's not directed at) don't even notice.

Anyway, I'm just sharing my experience as I don't think things will change much or quickly in your situation, unless your DH cops on and goes against the family mindset. He's coming from a starting point that everything SIL does is right and amazing and should not be criticised. She's the golden child, you're the scapegoat.

👆 this. 💯

I had a sister in law who everyone was scared of upsetting. Especially when her and my (golden child/ first born) brother had a baby (first born grandchild). They would use the baby as a bribe against my parents.
If my parents and me didn't fall in line over every single thing, then we didn't get to see the grandchild.
My parents and myself did all the leg work, favours, house renovation (dad was a builder) and lending money.
Yet SIL's family (her parents and siblings) would get the reward of spending time with the baby. It was all very manipulative.
My brother ran the show.
And woe betide anyone who upset or slighted SIL, as my brother would be awful.
My mother enabled all of it, as she adored her firstborn son and he could do no wrong.

My father finally put his foot down when he was diagnosed with cancer, and said no, he would not be bribed with a grandchild, and then not long after he passed away I went NC after that. Best thing I ever did was walk away from my brother and his wife.
They got back in touch years later. As they had more children. They needed childcare, money and favours.
Guess what? Nothing changed. They were the same. So NC again.

Walk away, for your own sanity.
You have your own family (child) to consider.
Hugs to you 🫂

This.
If the SIL and BIL had been together 10 years before he even met you were they teenagers when they got together?
Perhaps then she was always round at their house, MIL might have had a more motherly role to her as she was young? Perhaps they all went out clubbing together etc, had the same big group of friends. I can see how in this scenario that she would absolutely be considered a ‘sister’ and very much enmeshed in the family. More so than someone who has come on the scene as an adult

It's really weird that you don't see the SILs family as family. Especially since your DH had known them all for at least 10 years before you came along.
My DHs family are my family - that includes the family of his SILs. Family get togethers are one massive party.
My family, DHs family and SILs families. And we think the same with my BILs family.
It's just weird to think that you'd suddenly become the only person that mattered after they'd already known each other for so long!
We've sadly been to many funerals of each others family, but also happily been to weddings christenings etc!

JFC this sounds like really hard work. Honestly I could not put up with this. I’d probably leave for my own sanity.

OP, the longer you stay and accept this weird dynamic, the more of your life you are wasting. I'm in my late 60's, and know that it's unlikely I have much more than 10 - 15 years of life left, time is RUNNING OUT, and it makes you really aware that wasting even a single day being unhappy, is crazy. So please, leave this man, as soon as you possibly can, as I'd hate to think that when you get to my age, you regret all the time that you have wasted on him and his weird family.

Also, as a matter of interest, have you EVER challenged the SIL for the nasty comments she makes, or for rubbing it in that she had an easy pregnancy, while you were struggling with your own? In that situation, I would have said to her, 'do you realise how nasty it is to tell a pregnant woman, who is having a hard time, how easy you found pregnancy?' However, I get the impression that you've NEVER challenged her, which to me, is crazy, particularly when you know that as far as the 'family' are concerned, you can't do anything right anyway. In my opinion if you can't do anything right for them in the first place, then you should say what you really feel, and put the nasty bitch in her place, before you finally leave.

Why is it 'really weird'?
Surely even the average teenager realises that people vary, families vary, relationships vary and cultures vary. You may enjoy having regular, large family gatherings and have a kind and loving extended family but surely you must have noticed that this doesn't apply universally? It's very childish as well as ignorant and insensitive to suggest that anyone who has a different life to yours is 'really weird'.

It is not weird.
I do not consider my SIL or BIL families as my family, I have met them many times. Socialising at weddings and funerals.

I would definitely care enough if they were ill or died.

I'd attend the funeral for SIL or BIL parents, they're still not family.

I wouldn't attend if DH was ill.

On the flip side with OP, if a new SIL married into the our family and automatically saw faults and was standoffish, it could potentially mess up the close dynamics. I love my brothers wife my husband does too, if I was a man, is it wrong to love what she brings to the family, granted she's reserved but she is a rock.

It sounds like they're close and you're defensive.

or for rubbing it in that she had an easy pregnancy, while you were struggling with your own? In that situation, I would have said to her, 'do you realise how nasty it is to tell a pregnant woman, who is having a hard time, how easy you found pregnancy?'
Is it nasty to share your experience? It isn’t a morale failing to have a harder pregnancy.
I think OP is taking everything SIL says personally. She has a hate for SIL that's making her sensitive to any conversation.

`I don't think so. People like the SIL can be very subtle at taking digs (if she's anything like the two I know like her) and can make you seem completely unhinged for your reaction, even though it's a result of a thousand cuts. It sounds like OP tried her best to like her from the beginning. SIL didn't even go to the OP's hen party but sat on her own in her hotel room so it doesn't sound like the SIL has made much of an effort.
And once you notice the digs it's impossible not to notice each one after that. Going on about what an easy pregnancy you had to someone who has struggled is definitely insensitive. But that's another way out if she gets caught 'oh, you're being over-sensitive, that's not what I meant at all' or 'poor me. I've been wrongly accused of something and I'm all upset'. I bet she plays the victim card all the time! :-)

This sounds like a terribly lonely life and marriage , I'd be getting my ducks in a row and getting a divorce and then find a partner who respects me who doesnt sound like a complete cowardly prick.

This is a problem with your husband, not your SIL. You knew of this problem before you married him. You knew dynamic within the family , but went ahead- why? You have to tackle it head on , your marriage may not survive-but you have no choice .

Should’ve been a red flag that he was acting like this from day one. Why on earth did you marry him and go on to have children? He’s clearly in love/enamoured with her and thinks way more of her and the rest of his family than he does you.

Getting her flowers and not the his wife who is the mother of his own children, says it all.

Sorry you are in this situation but you need to get rid.

So sorry this is happening to you. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. No woman wants to watch her husband give more attention to another woman no matter how secure and understanding you are. There’s nothing wrong with supporting his brother’s wife but he has failed to make it clear to them that you come as a package. I think your husband has some unresolved issues and is looking for reassurance from his family and brother through this woman. The fact that the whole family is now against you even means he likely discusses you with them and does not stand up for you.

I’ve had this in the past where my sister in law (older and about DH’s age) ignores my text and only answers DH’s. I’m the one who buys presents for their kids and do all the family keeping up appearances but she would only say thanks to DH even though she can clearly see they cards were hand written by myself. We never really fight with DH but all our fights have been centred around SIL. Last straw was when she had breast surgery and she would only text DH about it and was happy to go into detail about how her breast were - the only thing missing was a picture because she went into so much detail. I literally told him I was out and they were free to entertain each other and that’s when the penny dropped. I hate that it came to that but trust your gut instinct cause you are the one living with the pain everyday. I know how much it hurts. He is being very disrespectful to you and I take it your child is coming second to this woman at times. Best wishes.

He's definitely in love with the SIL. If she split from her husband, he will have a clear path to her and divorce OP. OP should beat him to the punch.

That.

he loves her and will not say that so he push you under the bus to please her.

Don’t go with him anymore.

It partly depends on the way things are said, the intonation, body language, etc. From what the OP says, the SIL's whole behaviour towards her is unpleasant.
However, let's assume that your suspicions are correct and that @birdsfeather has simply misinterpreted the tone of her SIL's remarks for years. At the very least, the SIL is highly insensitive and socially inept. Who deliberately lists all their expensive purchases to someone who is struggling financially or tells a person who is having a complicated pregnancy how easy theirs was unless directly asked? Those aren't things that a kind and empathic person would say. She also sounds obsessed with money which isn't pleasant either.

How old was your DH when BIL and SIL first met?

Maybe you missed the part where OP stated that SIL was mean to her from the beginning. Making her feel uncomfortable and generally ignoring her but happy to get all the attention from the men. He should treat his wife with the same respect that he treats his SIL but it's obvious that he's not doing that.

Not sure I’d be tolerating that, way too much drama from mean girl sil. What do you want to do, OP? I doubt your Dh is going to change his dynamic, he’s too enmeshed.

The MIL sounds complicit and weird. Maybe the problem stems from her?

Maybe you should show DH this thread. He sounds totally oblivious.

LTB he is inlove with her. There is no point, find someone who adores you, OP. You won't win this fight sadly. What a nasty bitch she is.

I'd want to be there for my brother when an immediate member of his family passed away. I'd want my husband to be there for his sibling when an immediate member of his siblings family passed away.