If your child gets a detention at school, do you punish at home too?

[comeandhaveteawithme]

Just that, really?

My DH says no, detention is enough, but it's clearly not because he keeps getting them for stupid things.

I don’t really “punish” in the classical sense.

but we’d be having pretty serious sit down discussions about any detention let alone repeated ones.

It depends what it was for. Did he misbehave ? Be rude ? Or forget a book or the right pencil?

What's the bigger picture, what's he getting detentions for and how to address that? Its not really about sending him to his room when he gets home. It's more about the cause of all these small issues adding up

Depends what it's for. I don't always agree with the school detention, so in those cases, no.

Depends on the situation.

I would be having stern words in general, but the punishment at home would be severe if it was for violence/bullying etc.

No and tbh sometimes I override the detentions as the school keep giving them for ridiculous reasons eg not wearing clothes in a specific order or asking a relevant question

What’s the detention for?

No they have already been punished. If they get punished at home the school don't then do the same to.

It depends what he's getting them for. If it's bad behaviour and it kept happening then I would. If it's more like forgetting to bring something in I'd be looking at potential strategies to help.

Mine have never had detentions, but no. I don't believe in double punishing them. We would have a good chat about it, if it was a warranted detention, and make sure they're aware I'm disappointed and how we will stop it happening again but no, they've had their punishment.

It depends why he's getting them. I was constantly in detention for things I couldn't help doing because of my disabilities. You can't punish certain behaviours out of people.

If he is being out right naughty and unkind then further punishment might be appropriate. If it's for things like forgetting to bring items or similar then maybe you need to work on strategies to help prevent it.

(I was mostly being punished for not following instructions properly despite being deaf and unable to hear them.So I'd hear "do the sums on page 53" but the homework was actually page 63, or id just not hear the assignment at all and think I had no homework. My teachers knew I was deaf but kept telling me to "just try harder".)

Depends. If he's rude to adults, not doing his work, making fun of people, bullying etc, yes. Uniform, pens etc, no.

My DC got one for getting up out of his seat because a wasp was going for them. Ridiculous. There was no way I was supporting that, so they didn't go.

Detentions are happening for two reasons.

The first is less common - not doing homework. He is reminded nightly to get his homework done, help is offered, we can see exactly what is due and when but sometimes it slips through the net and he doesn't do it and then he gets a detention for it.

The other, more common, reason is for "reprimands" - a teacher can sign his handbook for anything like not listening, being cheeky, general pissing about, uniform breeches, etc and five "reprimands" gets a detention.

The trouble is, there's no mechanism for the teachers to specify what they are signing for so when I check his book and see five signatures, I can't tell exactly what he's done and the school can't tell me either. When I ask him, he just says they are for little things like not tucking in his shirt, or messing about with his friends when he should be doing something else.
And I know it sounds petty but I tell him every bloody morning to tuck his goddamn shirt in and he never does.

Anyway, last night after he came home having got a detention for five reprimands, I took his phone for the evening and he came down this morning with his shirt tucked in so it's had some effect.

He definitely doesn't make fun of people or bully. He's a nice kid, just likes to be a bit of a clown.

This. I think I differentiated by whether DH and I would have a detention for it in the 80s. Any bad behaviour - yes, they would be in big trouble with us.
But these ridiculous 2020s detentions for forgetting your ruler and not having a new glue stick - no.

In the 80s you had to use a scabby old ruler from the teacher’s desk, or, far worse, wear the smelly old PE kit from the box in the sports hall. That was incentive enough for most of us.

We've had to start punishing at home as the detentions are no longer a punishment to my son. He gets them constantly - at least one a week. He goes to homework club three times a week anyway, so if a detention is on one of those days hes just sat in a different room to work!

We've introduced a 'no tech' rule on days he gets a correction. It's having mixed results.

Ok, just seen your update on him being a clown. I would implement sanctions at home for this because he’s disrupting lessons and making a nuisance of himself.

If my DH said he didn’t want to implement anything at home then I would tell him that he will be in charge of communications with school and will go to parents evening and face the teachers.

It’s ridiculous my ds was stopped on the way in one morning and screamed at because he was wearing his school shirt and tie and a waterproof jacket and the school insist that they wear a jumper if they wear a jacket - it was warm but raining ?? The teacher was screaming in his face I saw as I’d dropped him off it was appalling. Another time he simply asked a question about the maths work and was shouted at for ‘answering back’???

It would depend on what they had got the detention for.

No, sorry, I don't mean to drip feed. He's not a clown in lessons. He likes lessons. He just messes around a lot at break and lunch and in the corridors. Him and his friends will do stupid stuff like squirt their water bottles at each other, or make stupid inappropriate jokes

Depends what for. My kids got detention every now and then. We would talked about it, sometimes they were at fault sometimes they had a teacher throwing their weight around. Usually the latter.

No, I usually wouldn't, or I'd at least sit down and talk about what happened. However, detentions are incredibly rare where we are, same as they were when I was a child. I didn't know anyone who had a detention while I was growing up.

DC got suspended from his private school for "not participating" in a lesson. He was incredibly dysregulated at that point and had just tried to find a quiet spot to calm down. Completely out of proportion and unhelpful.
He's now moved schools and accidentally walked out and went home at the wrong time the other day. They just called me to take him back and there was no drama about it. It was fine. He's feeling much happier now that his teachers are more relaxed.

What are the detentions for? If it's something stupid like writing in the wrong colour pen, I'd not even mention it at home and just leave it. I wouldn't undermine the school even if I disagreed with the rule, but it's not a problem for me.

If it was something really serious like disrupting a lesson or bullying, I'd punish at home because it's not just a school rule they've broken, they've broken the acceptable standards of how I expect them to behave.

A one off detention for forgetting items or issues with uniform I wouldn’t say much other than “don’t forget again” and would expect detention to be enough.

Multiple detentions for behaviour is different - I would have to sit down with my child and get to the bottom of what’s going on.