If your child gets a detention at school, do you punish at home too?

[comeandhaveteawithme]

Just that, really?

My DH says no, detention is enough, but it's clearly not because he keeps getting them for stupid things.

Squirting water bottles in corridors is still not great though, although technically not disrupting lessons.

I can be a tough parent and I’d be inclined to give him one more warning and if there’s another incident he has no water bottle at school and he can go thirsty. We had no water bottles decades ago, after all. I’d tell him it’s a privilege and if he dicks around with it he loses it.

No, of course it's not great. There a slight sense on this thread that I am condoning it, I'm really not!

He's been told that from now on, any detention means a loss of his phone on the night of the detention. He didn't like not having the phone yesterday as he had planned to video call a friend to play a game, and then came down with his shirt tucked in, so I'm hoping it will make a difference.

I don't really believe a detention is much of a punishment really. It's only losing some of your lunchtime or staying a bit later at the end of the school day. Most kids would barely notice nor care - just a bit annoying for them really.

Depending on the reason, I'd probably impose my own punishments. Not for irrelevancies like forgetting a pen or protractor, or undoing their tie etc. But certainly if it was something more serious like fighting, truancy, etc there would be sanctions at home without a doubt.

I remember my own school days where it was always the same kids who got detentions for misbehaving, wrong uniform, etc - it really didn't bother them, even weekly, it was water off a duck's back, just something else to hate school for!

I couldn't really get my knickers in a twist over someone squirting some water from a bottle, it's not harmful, just annoying.

That made me laugh - and brought a damp Mr Darcy to mind, which is always welcome 😁

DS has only had them for forgetting things sometimes and he finds that upsetting enough (and I don't agree with detentions for that anyway). If he'd damaged something deliberately or physically hurt/ bullied someone (fortunately very unlikely) there would be consequences at home on grounds of the action.

I would discuss it and make sure I’m supporting the school by reinforcing rules at home.

I would put £100 on a trifecta that:

The hug was executed after students had been told to move on
The tie situation was not the first uniform infringement
The water spillage was accompanied by some sort of drama

And no, I don't know the circumstances, the people concerned or the school, but I do know that giving and recording detentions is a massive ball ache for teachers so won't be done lightly.

Yes, I'd punish at home as well. Rarely are low-level detentions given for a minor incident itself - they tend to be given for the student's response to that minor incident being addressed. "What?" "I AAAAm" sauntering off whilst being addressed "My mum'll call in" etc etc etc etc etc etc... I'd be really pissed off if my DC had responded to a teacher like that, and they'd lose the phone for the night like a PP has said.

I never have but my kids have only ever had detentions for technical rule infringements eg skirt too short. If they were in trouble for something more concerning I’d also be addressing it at home- not necessarily through a punishment though. Depends on the circs.

And what if he says, “Yeah, okay”? Will you then feel the problem is solved? Or just that it’s not your problem?

Technology withdrawn is the most effective.

First detention, 1 night gone.
Second detention, 2 nights gone.........and so on.

It will give him pause when the consequences are so clear.

No anger, just firm enforcement of consequences.

Mine would know I mean business. I would not let him off the hook. Either he works with me to deal with DS’s poor behaviour or he will deal with school from now on.

I'd say if it's behaviour that affects someone else ie messing about, bullying, then home sanction could be appropriate. If it really doesn't affect anyone else learning and isn't that important like top button done up or shirt tucked in or missing a pencil or ruler then frankly I can't see the need to add to school punishment.

For homework, no. I'd probably commend him for not bowing to pressure tbh. Why should he do work at home in his own time? He's not being paid for it. Do you do unpaid work?

The rest, it depends. It's hard to know what he's being repremanded for. If he was being nasty to his classmates or teachers then fair enough, he probably derserves the detention. But the detention is the punishment.

Rather than punishing, I'd expect to be able to sit and chat with my child and hear their side and ask them how they can change things from their side in future so as not to wind up in the same predicament.

Conversation about morality etc should be ongoing too. But I think these dynamics needs to be set at a young age and may be difficult to establish now.

Detentions are to try to teach your DC more appropriate behaviour.

If he's not learning from that alone, then you need to do something about that.

Don't make excuses or minimise his poor behaviour

Yes we follow through at home - why wouldn't you? So no treats that week, removal of gaming time etc. At the end of the day they have to learn to follow rules and understand consequences even if I personally think some of a rules are a bit silly.

It's about making sure his behaviour is reasonable at school and he is following the rules. Some things look petty and unimportant, but if the teacher is dealing with loads of these every day from different pupils then obviously they want them to stop.
As you say, taking his phone away has had an effect - so he can do the right thing, he just needs to remember and know that you want him to x

Um, your kid doesn't get paid to go to school either. Commending for 'not bowing to the pressure'? How silly. Homework is normal 😂

I assume you think your DC won't go to uni or do any further study in their life past school? Because there's lots of 'homework' there too

Depends on the misdemeanour.
Forgetting a pencil/ talking in class/ wrong clothes/isolated and minor playing the fool behaviour- no

Bullying/ damaging property/fighting/ truanting or skipping classes/verbal or physical abuse of staff/ racism, homophobia etc/ being repeatedly and seriously disruptive/ - yes, there would be a serious talk and consequences at home as well as at school. If relevant they’d be made to apologise, pay for damage, that sort of thing.

Mmmm your child will do well in life then…….

“Screaming in his face.” This is a great story, but next time it needs a more exciting event.

No. We will discuss the detention, talk about what they could do differently next time. Put it to bed. I’m lucky though and my son has only had a couple and they have been from accumulating 3 sanctions (3 sanctions = detention).

they've been punished so I wouldn't punish at home but try to gt to the bottom of whats going on- perhaps a chat with school about what they are doing as the detention isn't working

You’re part of the problem in schools. You may think you’re doing your child a favour but you’re not.

So, what’s the answer to my question?