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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If your child gets a detention at school, do you punish at home too?

113 replies

comeandhaveteawithme · 23/05/2025 11:52

Just that, really?

My DH says no, detention is enough, but it's clearly not because he keeps getting them for stupid things.

OP posts:
mullers1977 · 23/05/2025 19:25

TheDreamyOtter · 23/05/2025 18:41

Um, your kid doesn't get paid to go to school either. Commending for 'not bowing to the pressure'? How silly. Homework is normal 😂

I assume you think your DC won't go to uni or do any further study in their life past school? Because there's lots of 'homework' there too

True, but school days are long, and at uni, there's a lot of free time for homework/study. My son doesn't do much at home as he is exhausted from his school day.

Bringmeahigherlove · 23/05/2025 19:30

comeandhaveteawithme · 23/05/2025 12:05

Detentions are happening for two reasons.

The first is less common - not doing homework. He is reminded nightly to get his homework done, help is offered, we can see exactly what is due and when but sometimes it slips through the net and he doesn't do it and then he gets a detention for it.

The other, more common, reason is for "reprimands" - a teacher can sign his handbook for anything like not listening, being cheeky, general pissing about, uniform breeches, etc and five "reprimands" gets a detention.

The trouble is, there's no mechanism for the teachers to specify what they are signing for so when I check his book and see five signatures, I can't tell exactly what he's done and the school can't tell me either. When I ask him, he just says they are for little things like not tucking in his shirt, or messing about with his friends when he should be doing something else.
And I know it sounds petty but I tell him every bloody morning to tuck his goddamn shirt in and he never does.

Anyway, last night after he came home having got a detention for five reprimands, I took his phone for the evening and he came down this morning with his shirt tucked in so it's had some effect.

Five is quite a lot of opportunity to change his behaviour before a detention is issued. It means he thinks he’s above the rules really. If it was a one off I wouldn’t punish him but when this becomes a pattern of behaviour then sanctions are also needed at home. Students need to see home and school working together and singing from the same hymn sheet. Behaviour would be so much better in schools if students knew there were consequences at home too for persistent and consistent poor manners and behaviour.

3teens2cats · 23/05/2025 19:39

No, we never did. However there was always a conversation about what happened and what they could do to stop it happening again. We never had repeat detentions but if that's happening then you really need to look deeper into what's going on. Just dishing out further punishment isn't going to help.

Fimofriend · 23/05/2025 19:41

My son got detention for punching a boy who punched him first and the boy in question had also just woken up the boy who sat next to my son on the bus by punching him.

We informed the school that our son had done the right thing. That they were free to give him one single detention but if the boy who had started it all didn't get a substantially larger punishment we would be very displeased.

"But but but the children are not allowed to hit!" We called BS. Said that they knew very well that boys who didn't hit back would become punching bags. We were then informed that the boy who started it all would get a whole week's detention. I doubt that would have happened if we hadn't made the demand that he was punished more.

No, we effing didn't punish our son at home. We praised him.

mugglewump · 23/05/2025 19:47

Have a talk about it. Punishment achieves nothing.

Paellama · 23/05/2025 19:49

comeandhaveteawithme · 23/05/2025 12:12

No, sorry, I don't mean to drip feed. He's not a clown in lessons. He likes lessons. He just messes around a lot at break and lunch and in the corridors. Him and his friends will do stupid stuff like squirt their water bottles at each other, or make stupid inappropriate jokes

This stuff is a massive pain in the arse. Teachers don't get paid for their lunch break but usually work through it in their classrooms. If they can hear kids messing around like this on corridors they shouldn't be on and have to get up and deal with it multiple times, it's actually really out of order. Would he squirt water in the cinema, leisure centre, on public transport or in maccies or wherever he goes with his mates and expect no consequences?

Sodthesystem · 23/05/2025 19:51

TheDreamyOtter · 23/05/2025 18:41

Um, your kid doesn't get paid to go to school either. Commending for 'not bowing to the pressure'? How silly. Homework is normal 😂

I assume you think your DC won't go to uni or do any further study in their life past school? Because there's lots of 'homework' there too

Unfortunately, legally there's no way for them to avoid school.

It's a prison we force them all into because we need someone to babysit them whilst we work for the system. So there's no incentive to respect the rights of children which should be the same as everyone's - not to be forced to be anywhere they don't wish to be.

You cannot argue education is the compensation unless it is chosen by the individual.

It is an ongoing generational system of abuse.

Once you can read, you can educate yourself on everything else. And classes should be optional for people of all ages. But currently we do not allow for that system wise.

I would never have children because I do not agree with perpetuating the cycle of abuse and indoctrination. But if I did, I would either home school or, encourage them to go but keep their head down and try to be decent to people - but not be forced to do anything the don't want to do besides actually being there. Fuck the system.
It's wrong and the only reason we allow it is to make our own lives easier. It needs completely overhauled and we need to stop forcing children into these hell holes. At best, they are not condusive to education. At worst, they are oppressive and dangerous.

Many of us have betrayed our childhood selves. We feel because we had it tough, our children should go through the same. And the cycle of abuse continues.

scalt · 23/05/2025 20:14

Because my mum micromanaged everything to do with school, and made a big song and dance if I didn’t do well, I didn’t tell her things. I lied and covered things up, such as detentions, because I was afraid of her reaction, and I got into even more trouble later. So punishing a second time can reduce communication.

BookArt55 · 23/05/2025 20:18

So 5 warnings... i would be giving a consequence of no phone that evening. The consequence is immediate, impactful, and isn't dragged on forever. You support the school, your son learns there are expectations at his job that he needs to meet, and that you expect him to meet the minimum expectations. I think you're right.

Scrabblingaround · 23/05/2025 20:34

Here they lose screen time and have to write the teacher an email apology. Bonus is my one naughty child can now at least write a properly formatted email Hmm

Scrabblingaround · 23/05/2025 20:35

scalt · 23/05/2025 20:14

Because my mum micromanaged everything to do with school, and made a big song and dance if I didn’t do well, I didn’t tell her things. I lied and covered things up, such as detentions, because I was afraid of her reaction, and I got into even more trouble later. So punishing a second time can reduce communication.

These days they notify parents of every minor misdemeanour via an app...

Natsku · 23/05/2025 20:57

Mine has never had a detention but she did get a bad lesson note this week because one of her classmates left to go to the loo and while he was gone someone else locked him out, and she just watched him stuck out there instead of unlocking the door and letting him in (and probably laughed, though that wasn't mentioned). I just couldn't tell her off because I know I would have done the same at her age, and the boy wasn't bothered at all, he was grinning while the rest got told off.
She did apologise to him, which is important.

whynotmereally · 23/05/2025 22:18

Mine havent had detentions but there has been minor issues at school from time to time. I don’t punish at home, obviously if it was something major like fighting/bullying etc I would but think it’s better for children to see school and home as separate. Often school can be stressful enough ideally home is an escape from that.

sunshinehunter · 24/05/2025 08:13

What works for one child/family might not work for the other. My son’s school has the SIM app, so gets positive and negative points. If he gets any negative, no PC that day… that’s it! There is no drama because he understands, and it usually works. He knows the rules in school, it’s not difficult. When he gets detention (which he doesnt mind much 🫠), depending the reason for it, then no PC and no phone. And a lot of talking - that’s probably what he hates the most 🤣

BuildbyNumbere · 24/05/2025 09:01

Depends what it was for but as you mention it’s continuous, then yes, sounds like his behaviour at school needs to be dealt with at home.

Bubblesgun · 24/05/2025 09:06

comeandhaveteawithme · 23/05/2025 11:52

Just that, really?

My DH says no, detention is enough, but it's clearly not because he keeps getting them for stupid things.

No punishments per se but definitly natural consequences of their (poor) choices yes. Especially for repeated ones

Shinyandnew1 · 24/05/2025 09:11

Mine only had detentions for forgetting the right text book/equipment for the lesson, so no-I wouldn't have done anything at home. If they were getting repeated detentions for being rude/argumentative etc then that's a whole different story and yes, I would be looking at consequences at home.

MattCauthon · 24/05/2025 10:19

Badbadbunny · 23/05/2025 14:56

I don't really believe a detention is much of a punishment really. It's only losing some of your lunchtime or staying a bit later at the end of the school day. Most kids would barely notice nor care - just a bit annoying for them really.

Depending on the reason, I'd probably impose my own punishments. Not for irrelevancies like forgetting a pen or protractor, or undoing their tie etc. But certainly if it was something more serious like fighting, truancy, etc there would be sanctions at home without a doubt.

I remember my own school days where it was always the same kids who got detentions for misbehaving, wrong uniform, etc - it really didn't bother them, even weekly, it was water off a duck's back, just something else to hate school for!

The problem really is that the children for whom detention WOULD be a big thing... are also the children who don't get detention in the first place! Grin. I am fairly confident that when my DD goes to high school, she will not ever get detention and if she does, she will be so mortified, she will instantly and forever modify whatever behaviour led to the detention!

Having said that, whent hey have to start missing things they love becuase of detention it can be helpful. I do have huge issues with HOW detention is handled though. I personally think they should be made to DO things in detention - write essays, maths quizzes on their ipads, classroom cleaning.... something!

TicklishMintDuck · 26/05/2025 21:03

Sodthesystem · 23/05/2025 19:51

Unfortunately, legally there's no way for them to avoid school.

It's a prison we force them all into because we need someone to babysit them whilst we work for the system. So there's no incentive to respect the rights of children which should be the same as everyone's - not to be forced to be anywhere they don't wish to be.

You cannot argue education is the compensation unless it is chosen by the individual.

It is an ongoing generational system of abuse.

Once you can read, you can educate yourself on everything else. And classes should be optional for people of all ages. But currently we do not allow for that system wise.

I would never have children because I do not agree with perpetuating the cycle of abuse and indoctrination. But if I did, I would either home school or, encourage them to go but keep their head down and try to be decent to people - but not be forced to do anything the don't want to do besides actually being there. Fuck the system.
It's wrong and the only reason we allow it is to make our own lives easier. It needs completely overhauled and we need to stop forcing children into these hell holes. At best, they are not condusive to education. At worst, they are oppressive and dangerous.

Many of us have betrayed our childhood selves. We feel because we had it tough, our children should go through the same. And the cycle of abuse continues.

Edited

This is a rather dramatic and somber account of school. Was it really that bad?! Many children love going back to school after the holidays; they like the routine, and seeing their friends and teachers again.

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/05/2025 21:20

@Sodthesystem

Once you can read, you can educate yourself on everything else. And classes should be optional for people of all ages. But currently we do not allow for that system wise.

Hmmm OK. How do you expect them to learn to read if you allow them to opt out of homework because they're not getting paid?

Your attitude reminds me of people I knew when I was a teenager. Most of them grew out of it by the time they were about 18 and honestly it's just as well you don't have kids.

Natsku · 27/05/2025 04:03

Letting children opt out of lessons they don't want to do once they've learnt to read (because then they can teach themselves everything else, apparently) would be a very quick way to create a new class system - the educated who have either self motivation to learn, or parents who care enough to force them to go to classes, and the uneducated who will labour in unskilled manual work until its completely replaced by automation, and then live horrible poor lives, because they didn't have the self motivation to learn or parents who cared enough to make them.

Sodthesystem · 27/05/2025 09:40

Natsku · 27/05/2025 04:03

Letting children opt out of lessons they don't want to do once they've learnt to read (because then they can teach themselves everything else, apparently) would be a very quick way to create a new class system - the educated who have either self motivation to learn, or parents who care enough to force them to go to classes, and the uneducated who will labour in unskilled manual work until its completely replaced by automation, and then live horrible poor lives, because they didn't have the self motivation to learn or parents who cared enough to make them.

Class doesn't determine interest in learning. Certainly not amongst young children. It may affect interest in learning 'in school' but a lot child is happy to learn in some way or another. Be it through books, TV or tactile things like music or art. People are individuals, have different interests and learn differently.

The fact is, the system as it stands is oppressive and wrong. 'Go to school or we'll jail your parents'.

Regardless of how alternatives could be implemented and what new implications they may bring, it is a breach of human rights to force people to be somewhere against their will. Especially when it in some cases, is emotionally and physically dangerous for them (schools with knife crime). Them being children shouldn't affect that.

@Thepeopleversuswork
The reason many people feel that at 18 is because they've just been trapped for the last 15 years of their lifes. The reason they move on from it is because they just want to forget their trauma. We tell ourselves it's just part of life and now it's time for the next lot of kids to suffer through it.

That's not maturing, it is repression.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/05/2025 09:41

Punishment, no, but sounds like conversation is needed. What sort of stupid things? Is he very disorganised, could you help him with that?

Natsku · 27/05/2025 10:30

Sodthesystem · 27/05/2025 09:40

Class doesn't determine interest in learning. Certainly not amongst young children. It may affect interest in learning 'in school' but a lot child is happy to learn in some way or another. Be it through books, TV or tactile things like music or art. People are individuals, have different interests and learn differently.

The fact is, the system as it stands is oppressive and wrong. 'Go to school or we'll jail your parents'.

Regardless of how alternatives could be implemented and what new implications they may bring, it is a breach of human rights to force people to be somewhere against their will. Especially when it in some cases, is emotionally and physically dangerous for them (schools with knife crime). Them being children shouldn't affect that.

@Thepeopleversuswork
The reason many people feel that at 18 is because they've just been trapped for the last 15 years of their lifes. The reason they move on from it is because they just want to forget their trauma. We tell ourselves it's just part of life and now it's time for the next lot of kids to suffer through it.

That's not maturing, it is repression.

Edited

I said 'a new class system' so not the current socio-economic class system but a new one based on education, and it'll be an even bigger divide. I would not want to live in a world where only a minority are educated.

Tiredofwhataboutery · 27/05/2025 10:36

I would, I am very mean probably. We are rural so a detention requires a parent to come and fetch as will miss the school bus ( no public transport, 9 mile walk by a national speed limit road with no lighting or pavement etc.)

My general rule is my time is valuable so if you make me give it up as you can’t behave then you will be given a job to allow me to recover my lost time. Something boring but measurable (weeding the gravel type stuff) only ever had one detention funnily enough.