AIBU to feel hurt by my husband

[Rainbowbub22]

Tomorrow is our 6th wedding anniversary. I have planned a secret weekend away for DH and I. This is the first time we have been away alone together in over 2 years, due to having our DD, we have not felt ready to leave her overnight. This will be the 1st time. I have booked a nice cottage only 20 minutes from home as I don’t want to be too far away from DD. DD will be staying at home with her much older sister, who also lives with us, is a qualified Nursery nurse and DD loves her to bits so I’m not worried about leaving her with her sister.
The issue is my DH has completely forgotten about our anniversary, he doesn’t have a clue that I have booked this break, I plan to come home from work tomorrow and tell him we are going out, then drive him to the cottage, obviously he will ask me why we are going out and I plan to say, well it is our wedding anniversary so I’m taking you out. The problem is I was initially excited to surprise him with this as the day before has approached and I have realised he has no clue at all it’s our wedding anniversary tomorrow and I’m now feeling sad that he’s forgotten. i shouldn’t have to remind him surely?
On top of this it was my birthday last month. DH has never been good with presents so he has never brought me anything without asking me first. He has always been this way, he is not someone who would plan a secret surprise, which is how I am sure he has forgotten that it’s our anniversary, also the fact that I can see he hasn’t spent any money so hasn’t brought me a gift or even a card.
For my birthday he asked me what I would like, I said I would really like a weekend away just the 2 of us. He said that was an excellent idea, when my birthday came around he said he was sorry but he had been too busy to organise anything. We ended up getting a takeaway and staying at home, he brought me a boring pair of earrings, which he ordered at the last minute with little thought or effort made. I did express my disappointment and he said he knows he’s rubbish at this stuff and he will make more effort in future.
On top of this we have had big problems in our marriage which surfaced 4 years ago, all problems caused by him, he has done everything possible to make things right since, make or break stuff and we both worked really hard to repair our relationship and stay together, this is also adding to my hurt that he has forgotten.
I wanted to arrange the surprise weekend and was excited about it. I guess in the back on my mind I thought as the week went on he would realise it’s our anniversary but he hasn’t and now I feel sad that I’ve gone to a lot of effort and he’s forgotten. I have also ordered him some gifts, a card, all his favourite snacks and packed a suitcase, hidden in the boot of my car ready to go after work tomorrow.
I guess my question is AIBU to feel upset and hurt that he has forgotten our anniversary?

I feel that you're setting yourself up for martyrdom: the more useless he becomes at remembering birthdays, the more importance you're attaching to them.

It sounds like you're still unhappy about what has happened in the past

Are you trying to find another way to make him feel guilty about his previous behavior, as it appears he hasn't shown enough remorse?

When you plan a surprise it's for your benefit, not the receiver. Most of the fun is in the planning and anticipation and you know he's not a surprise person.

You've built it up to such a big thing in your mind that it can only disappoint. Maybe you shouldn't have to remind him, but knowing that he's the kind of person he is, where the harm in saying "Oi you haven't forgotten the date next week?" or similar, helping him out and avoiding your drama and heartache.

It seems like you want to put him in a position where you can say gotcha.

It comes over OP that you don't really even like your H very much.
I think if you did care about him you would have had the kindness to remind him about the up coming wedding anniversary.
Instead, as pp said, it's almost as if you want him to not remember so you can confirm your low opinion of him.
I think you and he still need to do some more work on your relationship.

What would be the point in him remembering when you're ungrateful for the presents he does get you?

What are his good points? Your post comes across as so negative about your husband. Be more proactive, send him links to things you like. Better than getting nothing or things you find boring!

I have always been a martor my whole adult life. I care about my loved ones feelings more than my own, I always put their needs above my own, that is who I am.
I genuinely enjoy making other people happy and as I stated I was excited to do this for him, it makes me happy. I have no intention of trying to make him feel bad, I want us to have a lovely weekend away together.
I am under no illusions that he will ever be someone that becomes great at surprises or thinking of nice gifts off his own back, I am and have always been fully aware that he is rubbish at that stuff and I know that won’t change. However he doesn’t usually forget birthdays and anniversary, I never said he always forgets them, he just not good with gifts but not remembering at all is not the norm for him, remembering at the last minute, a few days before us normal but he hasn’t remembered at all this time, I know that because I know him.
I’m not trying to make more importance or effort because of his lack of, in previous years I have taken him on lavish holidays as a surprise for his birthday, it’s always been that way and I’m fine with that. I enjoy making him happy, that’s who I am.
I can’t say that I’ll ever be happy about what has happened in the past, I’d be lying if I did but i have moved on, we have moved on from it, I’m not holding it against him, but it still hurts, I can’t control that. As I stated in my post, he has done everything possible to put right his past mistakes, he has shown complete remorse and this gesture has nothing to do with trying to make him feel bad for the past. The only thing that’s making my feel hurt is that he’s completely forgotten it’s our anniversary, nothing more

Yes I agree, as I stated above I love to surprise people I love and enjoy doing so. I do this regularly for my DDs as well as my DH and my parents.
I know he’s not a surprise person and I was never expecting any surprises or grand gestures from him, that’s not who he is and I love him for who he is, we are different people but it works
I haven’t built up any big thing in my mind but I expected him to remember our anniversary, nothing more and no I don’t think I should need to remind him

Yabu for organising a surprise. People hate having things sitting on them.

You are also bu for getting annoyed at him in advance for something that hasn't happened yet.

He's not into gifts or surprises so this trip is a booby trap You didn't do this for him. You did it for you. Unless you change your tactic , it's got disaster written all over it. Tell him about it now then go enjoy the weekend away together that you wanted.

I’m not ungrateful for the presents he does get me. It’s not about what he gets me it’s the thought that counts for me, I was only disappointed with my birthday present because he asked me what I wanted then didn’t do it after saying it was a great idea. In my mind it was something we could have both enjoyed together. He said he didn’t have the time to arrange it, that wasn’t true it was an excuse

" I love to surprise people I love and enjoy doing so. I do this regularly for my DDs as well as my DH and my parents."

Stop doing this. You're making the focus about what you love to give, not what they love to receive.

Honestly, if he hasn’t remembered on the night, I would be reminding him of your birthday and your anniversary and giving him notice that if he doesn’t put any effort into maintaining his side of the relationship with you then he shouldn’t be surprised if you disappear from his life.

Are you actually serious? so many people on here just see the worst in anything people ask for help or advise on
of course I like my DH. I love him, your comment is ridiculous
i don’t think I should have to remind him of our wedding anniversary. I don’t have a low opinion of him and have not suggested I do. I clearly stated I am fully aware he is not good with gifts, all I expected was for him to actually remember the date. I am certainly not an unkind person, quite the opposite actually

He obviously doesn’t set as much store as you do on birthdays or anniversaries. Being special dayed at can be just as tiresome as having your special days forgotten, depending on which sort of person you are.
You sound absolutely suffocating and are working quite hard to position yourself as a martyr.

He has many good points, he’s kind, loving, affectionate, he’s a lovely husband and a great dad. He helps around the house without being asked, he buys me flowers regularly, he has many good points. No where in my post have I suggested otherwise, he’s not good at gifting. I am and have always been fully aware of this. I’m not negative about him at all, I’m just sad he’s forgotten our anniversary. I don’t expect a grand gesture, simply expect him to remember

I do it because it makes them happy too. I do things that I know they will enjoy and love and they do, it’s about making them happy and it does so why should I stop?

He will love the surprise. I know him. I haven’t done this for me, I have done this because I know it will make him happy. It’s not a booby trap at all. I fully intend to go away and enjoy the weekend with him, I’m not going to be in a grump with him, I want us to have a lovely weekend and we will. I simply stayed i feel sad he has forgotten it’s our anniversary, it’s out of character for him to forget, he’s not great with gifts and I don’t care about that but he doesn’t usually forget
You are correct that it hasn’t happened yet but I know my husband, he has forgotten, he would have mentioned it, asked me if there was something I would like or if I would like to go out for a meal, I know him, he’s forgotten and I’m sad he’s forgotten, nothing more

He doesn’t usually forget, he’s just not confident in buying gifts, I guess he would rather get something he knows i will like rather than trying to guess what I might like. I wouldn’t disappear from his life over it. Despite other people options that seem to think I’m an awful person who just wants to make him feel bad and that I don’t even like him, this is not true. I love him to bits. I planned this surprise and I never expected anything grand in return

I am fully aware that he is not as big on gifting as I am and as I have previously stated I’m fine with that. He won’t find the surprise tiresome, he will be happy and excited about it, I know him and I wouldn’t do something that I know he wouldn’t love.
I don’t think I’m suffocating, I just like making people I love happy. I don’t see anything wrong with that. I’m sorry you feel that i try too hard to make the people I care about happy

Mumsnet is utterly bonkers sometimes.

OP: "I'm sad that my husband appears to have forgotten our anniversary"
REPLIES: "You are the problem"

You aren't wrong here OP. There's nothing wrong in expecting your husband to remember an important date. No, you shouldn't have to remind him. Yes, he should put thought and effort in to special occasions.

However, if I were you, I'd go ahead tomorrow and have a lovely weekend away. When you are back, ask him how come he didn't remember, and what he plans to do to avoid it happening again. It's really not difficult to stick a yearly recurring reminder in his phone calendar.

Thank you so much for just being a normal compassionate person.
Your right Mumsnet is bonkers, I’m sure a lot of people on here just come on to be mean and pick holes in other peoples lives, usually people who are just after a bit of support or guidance, it’s really very sad.
I certainly won’t be posting on here for advise ever again, most of the other replies made me feel like I’m an awful person for trying to make my H happy and feeling a bit down he has forgotten the occasion.
I fully intend to have a lovely weekend with him and I know he will be thrilled with the surprise. I will talk to him about remembering, maybe put a reminder in his phone or something as you suggested
Thank you so much for your support, after the other comments I was seriously laying in bed wondering if I’m an awful person, when in reality I know I’m not. Thank you for being kind

I think, kindly, you've posted for "advice" when really it seems that you wanted sympathy and a handhold. The problem is, that's not really what AIBU is about. You might have found another board like Relationships better. You'll get honest opinions on this board, which I don't think you came here for...

Also don't forget, we are only seeing a snapshot of your life through your words and it doesn't take much to get the wrong impression.

And people view things through the lens of their own experiences. For example, my DM does things for people and martyrs herself, but then never, ever lets them forget about The Wonderful Gift she has given to them. Or the Best Meal in the World that she took you out too. It can be a bit exhausting being around someone who's so determined to be a martyr and likes you to say thank you about a million times. So honestly, I did have a bit of an eye-roll when you described yourself as a martyr - that's very different from just doing nice things for people.

You say your DH is a great all-round guy, but just shit at birthdays/gifts etc. I think as PP have said, you are setting him up to fail, although it might be unintentional. If he makes lots of efforts to make you feel special and loved in other ways, then I don't think it's unreasonable to give him a little reminders and/or suggestions. Otherwise, he's going to carry on doing what he's always done, and you're going to continue being underwhelmed with his efforts.

I hope you have a lovely weekend away.

If I had in my head certain things i wanted to do on the weekend and I get home and my husband said 'surprise we are going away' I would not be happy as he may have good intentions but I may have have things organised, even if it is a weekend of TV, also I hate the performance birthday thing I am an an adult and want to do what I/we want to do on my birthday, anniversary etc. not what someone else has decided nor do I follow this he has not does what I have decided in my head so he does not love me thing a relationship should be a general sense of whatever people want to call sense of wellbeing in the relationship

Everyone thinks differently but think what is important overall is how you get on

DAMN! Yes, I hate surprises and your first sentence is spot on! I have been called an ungrateful b**ch because I wasn't elated, over the moon, excited enough.

Thank you 🌺

You need to talk to him about how remembering birthdays and anniversaries is important to you, and ask him to up his game as you find it saddening to just be overlooked and forgotton on those occasions. People are different about this stuff, but expecting him to mindread your hopes is not the way to go. I don't mean remind him each time. Just have the one serious conversation about what is important for you and how disappointing it is if doesn't make an effort. You say you are "fine" with him not being good at gifts, but you are not really fine about it. Just tell him clearly once what you want him to do in future.

I think your right that I did post on the wrong board, although not intentionally, I’ve not made many posts on Mumsnet so I’m not that great at knowing where to post. Yes I was just after a bit of sympathy that my husband forgot our anniversary, as I keep saying just feel sad about it. Nothing more than that really.
I don’t think that is an excuse to make me sound as awful as some posters have or acuse me of ridiculous things
I understand people only see a snap shot of your life from a few words and I don’t have an issue with some constructive opinions, your comments for example to me are rational and fair, most of the others are nasty and ridiculous in my opinion
I am not like your DM, yes I do things to make my loved ones happy but I don’t go on about it afterwards, it’s more like here’s a gift, enjoy, the end. Perhaps martyr was not the right word, if I’m honest I didn’t even know what it meant. I had to Google it and the answer seemed fitting but maybe it’s not, I just like to do nice things for my family, without expectations of anything in return, that’s it

My DH is a great guy and yes just shit at birthdays etc, although normally he does remember them and it’s the forgetting part that’s made me feel sad not the fact he hasn’t got me a gift or anything. I’m genuinely not setting him up to fail, I genuinely believed that he would remember at the last minute as he usually does and get me a card and some flowers, offer to take me out for a meal, that’s his style usually and I’m fine with that as I’ve already stated. In the same way he is fine with the way I am, that I like to surprise him, we are different but both happy and it works fine for us. All I was after from him was remembering the day really

I came on here for a bit of a hand old and ended up with a bartering. Lesson learnt

I take your comments on board and fully understand them, I can tell the difference between someone trying to give an honest opinion and someone just trying to be plain judgmental and nasty

We will have a nice weekend and I hope you do too