AIBU to feel hurt by my husband

[Rainbowbub22]

Tomorrow is our 6th wedding anniversary. I have planned a secret weekend away for DH and I. This is the first time we have been away alone together in over 2 years, due to having our DD, we have not felt ready to leave her overnight. This will be the 1st time. I have booked a nice cottage only 20 minutes from home as I don’t want to be too far away from DD. DD will be staying at home with her much older sister, who also lives with us, is a qualified Nursery nurse and DD loves her to bits so I’m not worried about leaving her with her sister.
The issue is my DH has completely forgotten about our anniversary, he doesn’t have a clue that I have booked this break, I plan to come home from work tomorrow and tell him we are going out, then drive him to the cottage, obviously he will ask me why we are going out and I plan to say, well it is our wedding anniversary so I’m taking you out. The problem is I was initially excited to surprise him with this as the day before has approached and I have realised he has no clue at all it’s our wedding anniversary tomorrow and I’m now feeling sad that he’s forgotten. i shouldn’t have to remind him surely?
On top of this it was my birthday last month. DH has never been good with presents so he has never brought me anything without asking me first. He has always been this way, he is not someone who would plan a secret surprise, which is how I am sure he has forgotten that it’s our anniversary, also the fact that I can see he hasn’t spent any money so hasn’t brought me a gift or even a card.
For my birthday he asked me what I would like, I said I would really like a weekend away just the 2 of us. He said that was an excellent idea, when my birthday came around he said he was sorry but he had been too busy to organise anything. We ended up getting a takeaway and staying at home, he brought me a boring pair of earrings, which he ordered at the last minute with little thought or effort made. I did express my disappointment and he said he knows he’s rubbish at this stuff and he will make more effort in future.
On top of this we have had big problems in our marriage which surfaced 4 years ago, all problems caused by him, he has done everything possible to make things right since, make or break stuff and we both worked really hard to repair our relationship and stay together, this is also adding to my hurt that he has forgotten.
I wanted to arrange the surprise weekend and was excited about it. I guess in the back on my mind I thought as the week went on he would realise it’s our anniversary but he hasn’t and now I feel sad that I’ve gone to a lot of effort and he’s forgotten. I have also ordered him some gifts, a card, all his favourite snacks and packed a suitcase, hidden in the boot of my car ready to go after work tomorrow.
I guess my question is AIBU to feel upset and hurt that he has forgotten our anniversary?

I understand your point of view and while this is the case for you, I know my husband has no plans for this weekend and I know he will be thrilled with a weekend away. Each to their own. I have never suggested that I think my husband does not love me, I have actually said he is a great guy in many ways and is very affectionate and loving, thinking he doesn’t love me hasn’t even entered my head. I simply sad i was said he had forgotten our anniversary, nothing more than that

It’s only 20 minutes away? Tell him about the trip, and then you say- but you’ve forgotten completely. So I’m going to go on my own, you need to think about how you forgot and how that makes me feel and then you can join me with what you’ve planned. If you join me within two hours then you had better have planned something life changing because it will just look like you couldn’t be arsed thinking otherwise.

Well my husband doesn’t hate surprises so all good for him

Thank you for the suggestion but I want to go away with my husband and have a lovely weekend with him, which we have not been able to do for over 2 years. I don’t want to make him feel bad, I don’t want him to make some life changing gesture, I love him for who he is, yes we are different, yes he’s shit with presents and stuff but he’s good in other ways and I’m happy with him. I just feel sad he has forgotten our anniversary that’s all. I don’t want to break his heart over it. Thank you for the sentiment though and for not making me out to be a mental woman who just wants to trap my husband into thinking he’s a failure like most posters have

I completely forgot our 15 year wedding anniversary. DH cooked a nice meal, got me a lovely present and I had nothing for him. Luckily he took it well and I stuck a reminder in my phone for future years.

Don’t you want to strongly encourage him to spend some time thinking about a gesture he could make before he gets to turn up and enjoy your significant effort? Fine you can say doesn’t have to be espensive etc but I really do recommend this to get him to focus. Then he can drive over and join you once he’s put some effort in too?

Unfortunately I agree. This plus the „I’ve been a martyr my whole life sound like it’s more about you and your self perceived image than the people who receive your gifts. Also martyrdom is nothing to be proud of - people like that always feel like the victim and never claim agency for their own doing.

not saying you can’t be dissapointed by your husbands behavior or that it’s good, but you know him - either you accept it or you give him hell. But doing a surprise yourself while knowing he won’t deliver again and then painting a picture of yourself as the suffering forgotten wife without doing anything constructive is not it.

change it, leave it, love it - but the martyrdom won’t get you anywhere and exhausts everyone around you. Nobody is asking you to do these things. That’s your own wish. So stop doing it if you use it as fodder for more resentment.

I’m not going to comment anymore. I keep repeating the same thing and no one is listening to what I’m saying
carrying on commenting if you wish. I won’t be coming back to read them

My God, some of these comments are crazy.

Wife plans a night away for her and husband, he forgets the special day which happens every year and somehow the wife is a huge problem.

Like I said, comments are crazy

Hi OP just jumping on to say I get it - in an ideal world you would both make a similar level of effort in a situation like this. My dh is the same as yours and I've said for some years 'I'd like fill the blank for my birthday' which sort of defeats the whole object really but there we are. Hopefully there are some redeeming qualities and it sounds as though there are. Presents are not as important as kindness, someone who is caring etc. .I have a big birthday this year and I've told my husband what gifts I would like. He is going to get them for me and never makes that an issue but sadly he will never surprise me with a weekend away! You wound like a lovely wife and he should be cockahoop when he realises what you have arranged have a fab time!

What if he’s pretending he’s forgotten so he can surprise you?

I think it’s ok to be disappointed in his behaviour- esp as you take pleasure in doing things for others it’s hard when you don’t receive the same back.

i have been married for 20 yrs and my dh is generally rubbish at buying gifts, when he does they have been a rubbishy bracelet or just completely random! I have lowered my expectations, and also realised that as I also enjoy doing things for others I would often not actually talk about what I like and dislike, so was not actually letting him in!! in the lead up to my birthday I now talk about all the things I’d like which works, or say I really want this new X so I’ll order it and you can wrap it up for me. Expectations are now realistic and supportive.

on a side note, I am fine with birthdays/xmas but I am the one who is awful at our anniversary and Valentine’s Day- I don’t forget it exactly but I think I’ve plenty of time to get a card and then just leave it too late and run out of time- and I never get a pressie for him (other than a bar of chocolate from the garage as an afterthought!) it just doesn’t factor very high on my priorities I guess to make a huge fuss as my parents never used to celebrate their anniversary either- I can’t really explain why I am so crap about it but it doesn’t change anything about how I feel about my dh though, he knows I am rubbish and we have a good laugh about it as this is where he does outdo himself to get the correct material for each anniversary year as a pressie for me. If I was the man in this situation I would get slaughtered for it I’m sure.

Remind your hubby it is your anniversary, tell him you’ve got something special planned so it lets him off the hook and enjoy your weekend together.

although please do update us if he does actually pull something out the bag an surprise you after all! Just hope it’s not a weekend away somewhere else!!

Look up the drama triangle. Sounds like you’ve got yourself firmly in some version of the “rescuer”. It’s just as selfish and dysfunctional as the other two positions persecutor and victim but you feel your being selfless because you’re doing things for others… but you doing those things for yourself and other people are the props to do it. The good thing is I think it’s the easiest position to step out of. Once you stop trying to meet your needs through other people and meet them directly you’ll be much more content and enjoy your relationships either way family and friends in a much more balanced way. Took me a couple of years of counselling mind to make real inroads! I had a traumatic childhood and couldn’t see the wood for the tees at all.

Just enjoy the night away.
after this bring up his lack of thought . A lot of men are like this I know my husband adores me but he doesn’t know what to buy me so when he asks before birthday / Mother’s Day / Christmas to send him 5 things I’d like , I do this. I don’t get or want the 5 that’s part of the fun he’ll pick 2 or 3 so I still don’t know what it will be x

Polar opposites, which you are already aware of but still you continue to be over the top knowing that he won’t reciprocate in the same way as you would like.

Yes of course he should be more thoughtful and put some effort in remembering occasions when he knows how much they mean to you but it’s unfair of you to organise a surprise break which seems more about you trying to humiliate him than actually having a nice time away.

All I can see is resentment building on both sides as he just isn’t fussed or bothered about making you happy and you are demanding that he be something that he isn’t.

Neither od you should expect the other to change but it would be nice if you could both meet somewhere in the middle.

I forgot our wedding anniversary once. I felt awful about it
DH remembered. Forgetting once is okay.

In your case he regular forgets. He could use his phone as a reminder. So, given he is prone to forgetting, this shouldn't surprise you

He only has to put the date in once and have it on repeat annually.

Out of interest, if this is a surprise how do you know that 'we' are now ready to leave your DD.

It’s too late now but going forward you would have been better to have mentioned the anniversary in passing a few weeks before but the left it up to him to figure it out.

I can be a martyr about housework at times but I’m not about birthdays/Christmas etc. We set a budget and an expectation together early on in our relationship so we spend £££ amount and have a meal out or a nice cooked meal. We will discuss gifts/ restaurant choice about a month before. We usually do a combination of asked for gifts and surprises.

Try not to let this weekend be dampened if he has forgotten as you will have wasted your money. But equally dont make it your job to make him feel better. He needs to be making it up to you! Maybe he could treat you to a nice meal or something

OP the comments on the first page are mad. They seem mad you’re not ok with your husband forgetting your birthday and anniversary! In what world would anyone be happy with their husband forgetting. It shows a lack of concern about what makes you happy.
And lots of people love surprises and you know your husband and know a weekend away would be something he would like. (Presumably he likes fun times with his wife!)
Honestly I think lots of people on here just love to jump on and kick someone when they’re down. Don’t listen to it- remind your husband and do it gently. I’m hoping he’s being sly and has remembered because he regrets letting you down for your birthday. I hope you have a lovely weekend away

There is no joy in being a martyr. This reminds me of a friend who removed her birthday from FB to see how many of her friends would remember and then was very upset that without the FB reminder, they all forgot.
I gave up expecting my DH to remember significant dates. He can barely remember his own birthday. He really doesn't care about things like that. I find what I would like and send him a link. It works for us!
In the grand scheme of things, is it that important or do you want him to fail by not remembering?

It’s really common for people to have different attitudes to gifts and special occasions.
My partner thinks they are a wonderful gift giver. They can be, but it’s all about things they love and they think other people should love them too. This sometimes works of course, but often doesn’t. I’ve tried to gently point this out to my DP and she will point to the times someone has said they loved a gift, and focus on that (ignoring the other times). DP will never change and it’s really a tiny thing in the grand scheme of things!
DP also thinks that both our anniversary and Valentine’s Day are about me celebrating them. They never forget, but I remember on anniversary where we had a trip away for a couple of nights (that I organised). I planned surprise things I knew DP would love (including things I really don’t like doing). I didn’t even get a card. DP says the trip was our joint gift to each other!
I know the OP is not returning to this thread, but I would just go and have a great time on the trip. You are not being unreasonable to have expected he remembers, but it’s also up to you about whether you let this ruin your day too.

Do you normally celebrate wedding anniversaries in such a big way? I guess it might be overwhelming especially if he has forgotten to discover you have planned a weekend away when it is only a 6th wedding anniversary. If it's normal for you to do something like this and have a big trip then that sounds lovely, but based on what you have said this will look OTT even if he does remember to buy a card and possibly a small gift.

OP you clearly do have to remind him about your anniversary, theres no should or shouldn’t about it. Tell him now, then enjoy your weekend away. People are different about how they focus on dates. Don’t be a martyr, it’s uncomfortable for everyone. I know you plan on ignoring this thread but I hope you read this one and manage to have a lovely weekend away.

No op, you definitely shouldn't have to remind him, but it's obviously hurting you that you feel he's forgotten, and if he has form for this, what would have been the sensible option would have been a week ago to start dropping small hints like "ooooh it'll be 6 years next week!" I feel like he may feel terrible about the effort you've gone to if he doesn't have a gift or anything to reciprocate your thoughtful gifts and planning for this weekend. You could have just said "make sure you don't plan anything for this weekend" without ruining thr surprise, but also making him aware you've planned something, as it's obviously something you care deeply about, and if you know he's not going to remember you're just setting yourself up for resentment and upset by not reminding him. I'm not excusing it, of course he should remember, especially if he knows this sort of thing will be important to you, but life is busy, it sounds like he's forgetful and not as thoughtful as you, and maybe just a couple of hints could have prevented you feeling like this, and him probably feeling a bit shitty all weekend. As I said, I'm not excusing him, but if he has form for this and this is an important occasion to you, and you know coming up to the date he has forgotten, just remind him. No need to put yourselves both in a situation where you're going to feel sad. Yes you shouldn't have to remind him, but if it's this important, you love him like you say you do, and ultimately him forgetting is going to lead to upset, then surely reminding him is the better option. He obviously doesn't think like you do and hold such high regard over special events and dates, so you need to either accept it, and know you'll be disappointed every year, or make it so next year he can't forget by mentioning it in the lead up. Me and DH don't hold high regard over things like wedding anniversaries. We will get eachother a card and probably have a takeaway, he may get me flowers, but if either one of us forgot it just wouldn't be a big deal. Life gets in the way sometimes. But, if it was that important to me, it was a significant year etc, I would make sure he was aware in the lead up to save both our feelings.

You’ve been married 6 years but had major issues after only 2 caused by him. I’m guessing an affair? Sounds like you’re still hurting and trying to make him reciprocate the love you’ve showing him through these gifts and surprises.

Enjoy the weekend and see what happens. You deserve a break even if he doesn’t.

Its lovely that baby’s got an older sister to babysit.