AIBU to feel hurt by my husband

[Rainbowbub22]

Tomorrow is our 6th wedding anniversary. I have planned a secret weekend away for DH and I. This is the first time we have been away alone together in over 2 years, due to having our DD, we have not felt ready to leave her overnight. This will be the 1st time. I have booked a nice cottage only 20 minutes from home as I don’t want to be too far away from DD. DD will be staying at home with her much older sister, who also lives with us, is a qualified Nursery nurse and DD loves her to bits so I’m not worried about leaving her with her sister.
The issue is my DH has completely forgotten about our anniversary, he doesn’t have a clue that I have booked this break, I plan to come home from work tomorrow and tell him we are going out, then drive him to the cottage, obviously he will ask me why we are going out and I plan to say, well it is our wedding anniversary so I’m taking you out. The problem is I was initially excited to surprise him with this as the day before has approached and I have realised he has no clue at all it’s our wedding anniversary tomorrow and I’m now feeling sad that he’s forgotten. i shouldn’t have to remind him surely?
On top of this it was my birthday last month. DH has never been good with presents so he has never brought me anything without asking me first. He has always been this way, he is not someone who would plan a secret surprise, which is how I am sure he has forgotten that it’s our anniversary, also the fact that I can see he hasn’t spent any money so hasn’t brought me a gift or even a card.
For my birthday he asked me what I would like, I said I would really like a weekend away just the 2 of us. He said that was an excellent idea, when my birthday came around he said he was sorry but he had been too busy to organise anything. We ended up getting a takeaway and staying at home, he brought me a boring pair of earrings, which he ordered at the last minute with little thought or effort made. I did express my disappointment and he said he knows he’s rubbish at this stuff and he will make more effort in future.
On top of this we have had big problems in our marriage which surfaced 4 years ago, all problems caused by him, he has done everything possible to make things right since, make or break stuff and we both worked really hard to repair our relationship and stay together, this is also adding to my hurt that he has forgotten.
I wanted to arrange the surprise weekend and was excited about it. I guess in the back on my mind I thought as the week went on he would realise it’s our anniversary but he hasn’t and now I feel sad that I’ve gone to a lot of effort and he’s forgotten. I have also ordered him some gifts, a card, all his favourite snacks and packed a suitcase, hidden in the boot of my car ready to go after work tomorrow.
I guess my question is AIBU to feel upset and hurt that he has forgotten our anniversary?

I have a Dd who is an excellent thoughtful gift buyer. I make sure she has my DH in hand, otherwise there’d be a lot of disappointment.

I don't get why people post if they don't like hearing people's opinions. Some people are unexcessarily harsh, but on this thread most are fine. Essentially if he can't be bothered to remember it its just not that important to him, planning a big surprise your end is a bit cringe considering this.

Some people are shit at remembering these things, but would usually make up for it in other areas. Your birthday for example was shit though, he knew when it was, you told him what you wanted and he ‘chose’ (that’s the important word here’, so not do anything about it.

as for this weekend, if he’s not remembered why not take yourself off for the weekend and have a long hard think about what you get out of the relationship and if you still want to put the effort in.

Op you say he’s bad at this stuff but it’s important to you so you could have avoided this years ago by going onto his calendar and entering every single birthday/anniversary and seeing reminders in the week running up to it. So if your birthday is the 28th of June he gets a reminder on the 21st to order a V present and another 2-3 days later and again on the day before the actual day. Attach a link to your Pinterest or Amazon wish list to show things you like. I don’t doubt that you love your DH, but it’s coming Aries like the more forgetful and shit he is at presents and remembering, the more you go ask out and don’t even bother to remind him. The gap between your efforts is ever increasing and it will lead to resentment. trust me I know as my DH was exactly the same. I took it into my own hands and I buy exactly what I want for my birthday/Christmas and I choose the budget and use his credit card. If he also buys me other presents then that’s great but doing it this way stopped my ever growing resentment in its tracks. My DH is a wonderful man but he’s always been awful at remembering and planning for special events. But he has a calendar set up that reminds him about everything and that rainy helped.

He hasn't even forgotten it yet. Maybe he's planned to fly OP to Paris for their anniversary as a surprise.
He's a good husband, he regularly buys her flowers, why is OP so determined to fault him for not being a great gift giver.

Because they already discussed going for a night away.

A word of warning, OP, when you post in the (UK) nighttime, the answers you get tend to be on the nastier, crazier side.

I wouldn’t ruin the weekend for yourself by dwelling on this. Not if he is otherwise a good partner

I do fear, however, that his misdemeanour in the past was being unfaithful to you, and that you actually haven’t healed from that.

My very generous and thoughtful boyfriend turned into a mediocre husband, this is an awful long time ago. I buy myself presents to make up for it but don’t get him anything. He was 70 last birthday, l got him a card and no fuss whatsoever, what goes around comes around.

People-pleasing isn’t niceness, though. ‘Caring about other people’s feelings more than your own’ isn’t a good thing — it makes you invisible in your relationships, and full of suppressed resentment. Look at your first post, seething with anger and sadness that he hasn’t remembered your anniversary, when you’ve arranged this weekend away, and there’s a pattern of you treating him to lavish presents and him buying you something unconsidered and tokenistic at the last minute for all occasions.

Bluntly, not all of this is on him. You behaving as if his needs are everything and as if you don’t have any, is contributing to this situation.

I didn't think this would need to be explicitly pointed out, but apparently it does, so: being a martyr is a bad fucking thing. Other people hate it because it's passive-aggressive game playing and you expect to be praised and appreciated for "sacrifices" they never asked or wanted you to make, so it leads them to resent you. And it won't get you your needs met in a healthy way either, so it leads you to resent them. Resentment kills love.

You clearly do expect other people to appreciate your "sacrifices" and "thoughtfulness", and you have set your husband a secret test which he is inevitably going to fail. You know what they say about playing stupid games. You need to get some therapy to address your self-esteem and help you communicate like a grown-up.

I wouldn't worry so much about his thoughtlessness over your anniversary as I would about what happened in the past. How bad was that?

It sounds like he’s cheated or gambled in the past. Or something equally as bad.

You are not wrong to want to feel special and looked after. I am suprised how many posters think it’s a you problem. The fact he made very little on your birthday … he could have said sorry and just booked what you wanted but he didn’t. He doesn’t try hard enough to make you happy and you are not asking for a lot here!

A cottage 20 minutes from home! I would not appreciate this and see it as a waste of money.

I would much prefer a joint discussion and a place I would like to visit even 2 hours is still near enough rather than just down the road.

I think you believing your DH should be as excited as you will spoil the occasion if he doesn’t act the way you want him to.

Your updates indicate you know your husband well and you believe he will love this surprise. I would focus on this and not the fact you are upset because he has forgotten your anniversary.

Yabu

This is the sort of nonsense I do sometimes so I do get it.

Stop ruining your own trip which he doesnt kkow about!!! And enjoy it.
Accept the person you married is shit with dates.

If hes otherwise a good life partner (which he seems to be) make your peace with it and Tell him what you want/expect ahead of your birthday.

You'll be happier for it.

Agree with other poster who mentioned drama triangle . You already know you are a martyr so some of this sits with you.

This is so well articulated and summarises it so well.

Oh Lord, yes. This. I can’t believe are still people who think that ‘putting other people’s feelings before my own. That’s just who I am’ is anything other than a bad habit designed, often unconsciously, to attract love and appreciation, but which in fact causes that person to be semi-invisible in their relationships, and boiling over with hidden resentment at their unmet needs.

" I love to surprise people I love and enjoy doing so. I do this regularly for my DDs as well as my DH and my parents."

But your not doing it for them, you're doing it for you.

I'd hate it. I don't want surprises and then I have to be all excited and grateful for something I didn't want....a bit like your earrings.

Ah OP, sorry people are being so mean to you. AIBU attracts a certain kind of person (usually ones who enjoy making YOU the problem).

A couple of thoughts! Are you familiar with the 5 love languages? It’s a bit of fun pseudoscience (you can do online quizzes and there’s a book too) and it shows how you primarily give and receive love. Some people do it through giving their undivided attention or through physical touch and in your case, you’re probably a gift giver. You show love by organising nice surprises and it hurts if your DH doesn’t show his love in the same way. You might find it helpful to know what his ‘love language’ actually is.

Secondly, if you haven’t already, at some point try telling him how important this is to you. Say, ‘when you remember my birthday and our anniversary, it makes me feel loved. I’d like you to make a note of important days and organise something, even if it’s something small’. Be really clear about what you need.

For me, receiving birthday cards is really important. It’s totally unreasonable but it’s linked to being a kid and for various reasons, not getting any. One year my family all sent them late and I felt really down. Yes, I should have put on my big girl pants (it’s only a bit of cardboard!) but I told them I really love to have cards to open on my birthday as it makes me feel loved. They’ve always been on time since. Sometimes, you just have say what you want (nicely) and not expect them to ‘get’ it.

Hope you have a fab weekend away!

Whatever it was in the past, if you've said you're going to forgive him and move on, you need to forgive him and move on.

And it's actually scary, the way you see being martyr as a good thing....

Realise you won't read this but just in case. Please don't take it to heart. Luckily it's only in the world of Mumsnet where you can get the blame for your hubby forgetting your wedding anniversary. The surprise you have planned sounds lovely.

I used to post quite a lot to ask for advice but never bother any more. Just use it to browse and comment very rarely on threads.

You are not wrong here so just laugh it off. It's the easiest way.

This!

I've not read all the responses but could you not just tell him that you have a surprise for him for your anniversary and leave it at that. That way you have reminded him of the date and given him a chance to get you at least a card and some flowers but you've not totally spoilt the surprise.

It's frustrating that some people don't remember significant dates, especially if you are someone who loves to celebrate them but we have to work with what we have and so giving him a hint seems the best solution to me.

Happy Anniversary and I hope you have a lovely time away! 💕

Reread the OP and updates. Anyone who says that being a martyr is ‘who I am’, and who is nonetheless posting on the internet seething with hurt and anger than her needs are not being met, is part of the problem.

Which is absolutely not to let her thoughtless DH off the hook, only to acknowledge that behaving for years as if only one of them has needs has contributed to the regular pattern of her celebrating his birthday and their anniversary lavishly and him not reciprocating. Behaving as if other people’s needs are more important than your own has consequences.

YABU for saying he "brought" you things when the word is bought for goodness sake.

I hate surprises.