To be disappointed that DH didn’t clean when I was on holiday?

[FairPlayer274]

I just got back from a 10 day holiday with my DD. DH didnt go because he couldn’t take off work, doesn’t particularly like camping, and has bad seasonal allergies. Before I left, I made sure that the house was clean, the laundry was done, the dogs had been to their regular vet appointments and were stocked up on meds, etc. On my way home, I thought DH would have surprised me by having kept up with the laundry and cleaning, and probably have gotten me a gift or two, as he usually does when I go away for long periods of time. Just as like an expression of “I missed you and I’m glad you’re home!”

Well… He did his dishes, but that’s about it. He said he didn’t leave things lying around, but I noticed a few of his things out. His hamper is full again, the house is dirty, and he complained that our bedding is gross (it needs to be done basically twice weekly because the dogs are always sleeping there.) He didn’t get me any gifts, but he did purchase 24 little, squishy animal toys and hide them around the house for DD to find, which she has delighted in and I thought was cute.

I was also exhausted from traveling and caring for a child on my own for 10 days and extremely touched out, and we stayed up late waiting for him to get home so DD could see him. He recognized my mood, but he didn’t make any effort to put DD to bed, either, which I thought was a bit inconsiderate.

I’m torn. On one hand, the house upkeep is my responsibility, as the financial provision is his, and he did encourage me to put some of the trip expenses on the credit card he usually pays off. And if I’m off having a holiday, maybe he should get to come home from work and do whatever he wants, too. Enjoy the child-free time, you know?

On the other hand… It’s very difficult for me to catch up on 10 days worth of cleaning and laundry, especially when I need to be preparing for a two-week work trip starting June 1st, and if he was relived from childcare for 10 days, he would have had a lot of free time to get some cleaning done. It makes me not want to go on future holidays, knowing how much I have to do when I get back. He’s also going on holiday with his older DD (she’s 18 and off at uni in another country; he’ll go to visit with her there and then they’re going to tour Portugal) in a few days, so I kind of feel like he’s getting the equivalent time off, you know?

There’s also the fact that he invited me out to lunch today and I declined because I have a lot of work to do at home and for my job (where I kind of hinted that the house is dirty because he hasn’t cleaned in 10 days) and he took that personally, like I didn’t want to spend time with him. He “joked” that he should be my #1 priority. It was… frustrating in a weird, hard, saddening kind of way. I wanted to cry over it. I’ve been jet lagged and overwhelmed by everything (also I think I forgot to take my meds) so I haven’t gotten much done today anyway. Mad at myself for it. Digging myself in deeper, I know.

I know I’m being entitled about the gift, but it also kind of feels like he’s not putting as much effort into “wooing” me as he used to. So I do feel disappointed and kind of worried about it, even if I know there’s no reason I should expect a gift. Also I didn’t bring him anything back from the trip, but that was because I didn’t have any spare room in our luggage, with all the gear and clothing we needed to bring, not for lack of consideration.

Thoughts?

And yet whenever asked why it's ok for him to not have done anything, you ignore the question.

(PS I note another person thinks you're saying it too, have a bit of a think about the way you come across).

What about the others?

The no to the others negates them. 🫣

No, I don't.
Anyway, I'm off to the real world.
Enjoy your day (meant genuinely). 🌦

Not really (also you meant 'the no to the first one negates them' but I've looked past it). You don't think he should do nothing, but also think that OP should have arranged a housemaid? That he has no obligation to keep the house clean and tidy in her absence, that somebody else should do it.

Listen, I guess every person is different and makes their own choices about how they want to be treated. The fact that people live like that is genuinely fascinating to me. And not just resigned to it either, actively advocating for it.

I’m not the one simultaneously laughing and irritated.

But no, I can’t sing for toffee.

It’s just another MRA, they live being on here.

Oh I see. Still sad though. I want my kids to do better - both genders!

He washed his clothes and dishes didn't he?

Dishes. And complained the bedding (that was clean when she left) was too dirty.

Maybe that’s what OP should from now on, her own clothes and dishes.

I would be getting a cleaner once a week and he can pay for it . This would have annoyed me too.

Stop projecting.
My initial response was correct.

I'm also not simultaneously irritated and laughing, despite you telling me I am. The whole debacle is laughable.

When you say you had to ''catch up on 10 days of cleaning'', why would you do it immediately? Why would you do it at all?

You can rest from your travels a couple of days, because he probably hasn't noticed that it hasn't been done.

After a couple of days rest, do the housework in the order you usually do it. What difference would a settlement of dust do, and a few more cobwebs? I leave my cobwebs: spiders catch flies, and I have not seen a fly in my home for donkey's years.

Has the furniture suffered in 10 days? Presumably, if he is the only one at home, the bathrooms should be OK after 10 days.

What housework have you had to catch up on. Did you catch up already? How long did it take?

You mean all that happened in just 10 days?

Next time, clean the fridge and make sure it is EMPTY. Wash the containers and do not refill them. He can buy sandwiches or go out to lunch.

Leave out a sack of dry food for the dogs which doesn't leave a mess, or board them in kennels while you are away. That will also take care of the bugs in the doggy door.

How much washing does a man make in 10 days? You come home with dirty washing, so have to do it anyway.

If you have houseplants, water them before you go and buy some of those self watering pots that have a well underneath or stand the pots on crystals which absorb water, or mix vermiculite in with the soil.

Better still, don't have any plants inside, or have plants that are happy outside and in, or put them outside with some bubble wrap to keep them warm.

Pent up resentfulness isn't good for a family. Consider what your DD is learning from your reactions.

If you do not have anything negative in the house, you cannot make a row which might sour the marriage or partnership.

What have you done with that pine cone? Are you sure it is safe from disease and will not affect other plants?

Put it in ericaceous potting compost and keep it isolated from other plants while it is growing and watch it.

Do not let DD handle it until you are sure it is safe. I am surprised you were allowed to bring it in.

If you wanted those things done whilst you were away you should have left him strict instructions even if you had to write them out on a spreadsheet. I've learnt that men are on a different planet to us and you have to guide them to do housework. Some men are great at it and you're lucky if they're like that but most men need a guide book. My husband won't do things unless I tell him. He's tidy but doesn't see dirt so I take it from there. Learn from it don't moan but next time you go away leave full instructions and then you won't get mad.

I rested the first day after I got back, because I just so tired that I couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I’d also forgotten to take my meds, so I think I was a bit depressed.

He’s definitely noticed the state of the house (the bed comment, the fake little sigh he gave yesterday morning about how he “should probably” do his laundry before his trip, knowing that I would take it off his hands, having to be eye level with the literal piles of dirt and dog hair on the stairs, etc.) He does this thing where he gets stressed out by the state of the house if it’s not cleaned to his standards, and then he starts moping about it— being quieter than usual, being less physically affectionate, giving off this horrible dark cloud of energy that I just can’t stand, etc. It drives me insane. He doesn’t verbally criticize me for it because I’ll usually be upset, given that the reason the house is like that is because I was either away, sick, without meds, or busy with something else (like if I’ve spent a few days getting our garden planted and/or back under control, and not done any cleaning or laundry.) I can’t understand why he can’t just be forgiving or keep his energy to himself. But like I said, he’d rather deal with the mess/lack of clean clothes than do any housework himself.

We are both going away next week— me for two weeks, him for one— and I’d like for the house not to be disgusting when either of us get home. It’s a really stressful, unhappy thing to come back to a gross home after being away. It also does build up; I don’t deep clean every time, but I do get a couple deep cleaning tasks done each time I do the regular cleaning, so that the house stays looking nice and well-maintained. There’s also just more filth to clean up the longer you go between cleanings, so it takes more time to remove it. With things like the gone-off food in the fridge, the longer it sits, the more rotten and disgusting it becomes, and the fridge needs to be sanitized to prevent foodbourne illness. Laundry accumulation should be obvious. No, I’m not caught up yet.

I also leave most of the spiders be, though I’ll remove the old webs that are full of bugs and let them spin new ones.

Do you love him as he loves you?

Weren't you pleased to come back to 'civilisation'? I ask, because all you speak about was how messy the house is and what a lazy DH you have.

If there is extra to vacuum up, how much longer does it take? If there is 10 days washing for both for 10 days, how many more wash loads did it take than usual?

You could always strip the bed before you go. Either he puts some sheets on it or gets a sleeping bag. You won't come back to dirty sheets. If you don't allow dogs in the bedroom, you won't have fleas and other unwanted guests on the bed. You could also buy some plastic sheets to cover over the bed to prevent it.

Do they only make the bed dirty when you are away, or is it something they do and you have that to clean anyway?

Pine cones, especially sequoia pine cones, need heat or fire to open up and release their seeds. So when I have time, I’ll make a little bonfire and put the pine cone in it. The heat should kill any disease or pests it contains. For now, it’s on a shelf in my car port, away from other plants and gardening tools.

I’m sure we probably weren’t allowed to bring it back, but it got through security in DD’s personal item, so baby sequoias it is!

Next time leave him a schedule , hoover,change the beds, dust and tidy.

She wasn't on holiday, she was on a work trip. Going away with a child alone is the most workiest of work trips out there.

No, it was definitely a holiday. I got to camp out in the mountains, swim, hike, go to the zoo, tour some cool gardens, etc. It certainly would have been much easier/more relaxing to do without a nearly-4yo to take care of the whole time, but compare that to day-to-day home life, or going away to work for 7-14 days straight…

Her job does come with a salary, she's literally said she spends it on herself and birthday parties. I'm sure she can too, inspite of her arduous task of 2 days a month employment.