To be disappointed that DH didn’t clean when I was on holiday?

[FairPlayer274]

I just got back from a 10 day holiday with my DD. DH didnt go because he couldn’t take off work, doesn’t particularly like camping, and has bad seasonal allergies. Before I left, I made sure that the house was clean, the laundry was done, the dogs had been to their regular vet appointments and were stocked up on meds, etc. On my way home, I thought DH would have surprised me by having kept up with the laundry and cleaning, and probably have gotten me a gift or two, as he usually does when I go away for long periods of time. Just as like an expression of “I missed you and I’m glad you’re home!”

Well… He did his dishes, but that’s about it. He said he didn’t leave things lying around, but I noticed a few of his things out. His hamper is full again, the house is dirty, and he complained that our bedding is gross (it needs to be done basically twice weekly because the dogs are always sleeping there.) He didn’t get me any gifts, but he did purchase 24 little, squishy animal toys and hide them around the house for DD to find, which she has delighted in and I thought was cute.

I was also exhausted from traveling and caring for a child on my own for 10 days and extremely touched out, and we stayed up late waiting for him to get home so DD could see him. He recognized my mood, but he didn’t make any effort to put DD to bed, either, which I thought was a bit inconsiderate.

I’m torn. On one hand, the house upkeep is my responsibility, as the financial provision is his, and he did encourage me to put some of the trip expenses on the credit card he usually pays off. And if I’m off having a holiday, maybe he should get to come home from work and do whatever he wants, too. Enjoy the child-free time, you know?

On the other hand… It’s very difficult for me to catch up on 10 days worth of cleaning and laundry, especially when I need to be preparing for a two-week work trip starting June 1st, and if he was relived from childcare for 10 days, he would have had a lot of free time to get some cleaning done. It makes me not want to go on future holidays, knowing how much I have to do when I get back. He’s also going on holiday with his older DD (she’s 18 and off at uni in another country; he’ll go to visit with her there and then they’re going to tour Portugal) in a few days, so I kind of feel like he’s getting the equivalent time off, you know?

There’s also the fact that he invited me out to lunch today and I declined because I have a lot of work to do at home and for my job (where I kind of hinted that the house is dirty because he hasn’t cleaned in 10 days) and he took that personally, like I didn’t want to spend time with him. He “joked” that he should be my #1 priority. It was… frustrating in a weird, hard, saddening kind of way. I wanted to cry over it. I’ve been jet lagged and overwhelmed by everything (also I think I forgot to take my meds) so I haven’t gotten much done today anyway. Mad at myself for it. Digging myself in deeper, I know.

I know I’m being entitled about the gift, but it also kind of feels like he’s not putting as much effort into “wooing” me as he used to. So I do feel disappointed and kind of worried about it, even if I know there’s no reason I should expect a gift. Also I didn’t bring him anything back from the trip, but that was because I didn’t have any spare room in our luggage, with all the gear and clothing we needed to bring, not for lack of consideration.

Thoughts?

You also seem to be conveniently forgetting that childcare is work, or that in this arrangement the person who works more isn't taking on ANY of the household tasks.

HTH

Agree. I went away for 2 weeks few years back and put 2 (brightly-coloured) post-its on 2 house plants re watering. A friend came in and, embarrassed to possibly appear to be under-the-thumb, MOH removed said post-its. Yup, killed them both with too much/too little water. One orchid, one beautiful hibiscus 😟 so sad.

So that means he never has to lift a linger, so that his wife doesn’t have to come home to a dirty house and stinking bathroom?

No, that's clearly not what I said.

So many people think it is what you're saying. If it's not, maybe try saying what you actually mean?

You seem to be conveniently forgetting that it's possible for most people to do other things too, while caring for a child.

(I appreciate that this might not be the case if you have an extremely high need/disabled child, but OP hasn't suggested that to be the case here).

No, they don't.
You and one other person, both irritatingly vocal, doesn't equal 'so many'.
Stop projecting.

And yet, when I and the child are not at home for 10 days, it is impossible for me to do the housework for those 10 days. Not impossible for my DH to do it around work though, is it?

So why do you think it was acceptable for OPs DH to not wash his own clothes, own bedding, vacuum his own house while he was the only person in it, and then complain about the state of it to OP who wasn't there to make the mess?

Because that's the issue here. Not how people split things. But you seem adamant that it's OPs job to clear up after her husband, despite him being completely alone for 10 days and totally capable of washing his own clothes and sheets.

I can count too, there's been a few more, but you're good at ignoring the real problem.

Are you irritated though? Because you seem to love reacting with laugh emojis to every post.

Nope, laughter tends to be in response to a laughable response. 🫣

Meanwhile you're superb at projection. 🫣

Does OP earn her own income when DH is on holiday from his main role then?

Again with the finances being the most important contribution.

Am I the one projecting or is it you? Money isn't the only contribution to a household. Does her DH look after DC when OP is on holiday from her main role? It would appear not...but as long as he's earning the money that's all that matters, right?

So are you irritated or laughing? Because you laugh at every post.

Do you know what projection means? Cos I can't be projecting if I don't have the same issue, and given I'm not a stay at home parent, me thinking you're minimising the contribution of a stay at home parent isn't projection.

No, again with the pointing out that this is OPs situation. I didn't say finances were more important, but that appears to be her partner's main role.

You're projecting your situation (where you:DP work at 3:5 ratio outwith the home). OP works considerably less than you. It's natural that chores would be shared more evenly in your set up.

Are you singing or dancing when you sing?

I'm not though, I'm giving a different perspective.

You just keep pointing out that her DH earns the money, and ignoring the fact he's not doing anything to clear up after himself. Which therefore sounds like you think that providing you work for money the rest doesn't matter.

Like I said before, either that's what you believe because it's what you're saying, or you need to learn how to say what you actually think.

It sounds like you have a giant house that's hard to manage but of course I'd expect him to keep it to a reasonable standard. It's not like he floated above the surfaces and didn't contribute to the mess.

I'm not sure how he established the expectation you'd get a present for going away but that's ridiculous tbh.

So I'm struggling to vote but would definitely look at getting a place that's easier to keep clean so you can spend less time on it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP to be annoyed at the state of the house. You/your DD didn't make any of the mess but you had to come home and clean it.

But communication is key here. I'm not saying you should have given him instructions of what to do, but you're not happy now. Your disappointment should have been communicated.

I once came back from a slightly unexpected extended trip to an absolute shit hole. DH has washed up but basically nothing else that I could see, kids toys just pushed to the side of the room (I had the kids with me). I did not clean it for him. And I had to leave again anyway, so told him if it looked like that the next time I came home I wouldn't be coming back again.

Working/earning money does not excuse anyone from all household responsibilities

No, you're imposing your perspective onto OPs situation. Time and time again. I also didn't ever say he should 'do nothing', so stop parroting that.
You not agreeing with me or your failure to understand doesn't mean I'm not stating clearly what I think.

Are you suggesting that DH shouldn't have to do ANY domestic chores? Ever? Even when he is living in the house and his wife is gone for 10 days? That he simply sits and waits for his servant wife to return and clean up after him? What level of incompetence and entitlement are we accepting here?

This is what I mean about the bar being so low. It's still shocking to me that some women facilitate this.

No, to the first question.