Partner has told me today that I cannot go to his daughter’s wedding on Saturday

[Oscarcleo]

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. He’s a widow - wife died 9 years ago and he’s brought up only daughter on his own ever since. I’ve met daughter ( we get on), groom, groom’s family, friends etc who’ll all be at the wedding. Wife’s relatives live a long way away and about 30 of them will be travelling to the wedding. As they live a long way away I haven’t met them yet.
Apparently yesterday evening some of the relatives told my partner/bride that they don’t want me at the wedding as wife isn’t there. It’s really upset my partner/ bride and I’m utterly distraught at this stage to be told I can’t go. It’s a big wedding that’s been planned for 18 months. I have been very careful to not be replacing wife’ s position at the wedding- agreed to not sit with him for ceremony or at the reception.
We’re really happy together but after this I’m not sure I can carry on with the relationship as it will be always hanging over us that I was banned from the wedding. AIBU? Any words of wisdom to help me get through this?

The only people who have shown themselves in a bad light are the aunt and uncle.

Both the bride and her father were between a rock and a hard place. The bride reluctantly chose her mother's sister, who she's known all her life, over her dad's new partner who she doesn't know well. I think it's unreasonable for anyone to expect her to make any other choice.

Her father was in no position to demand anything else or to kick off in any way. Which of us would choose to ruin our child's wedding by doing that, especially when the daughter was already dealing with missing her mother?

I don't think this excuses the aunt banning OP from even the evening do of 150 people to be honest.

It's ridiculous. It's not the wider family's decision to make. I don't know why they were even told you were coming, it's not remotely their business who's invited by the bride and groom.

Well first of all I'd be questioning the values he instilled when raising his daughter.

But mainly, while I wouldn't expect the dad to boycott his own daughter's wedding, I would at least expect him to give some push back. Has he phoned up the aunt and uncle? Has he pressured them to withdraw their crazy blackmail? Has he spoken to other members of that side of the family to try and get them on board?

If he's tried his very best to fix things but hasn't managed to, then sure, he's not to blame. It would still make me rethink the relationship though. What will happen at future birthdays, christenings, funerals etc? If my dp's daughter refused to invite me to any events, meaning I can't be any part of my dp's family, I would see it as a sign that the relationship isn't right for me.

shes Uninvited her dads partner and hasn’t had the decency to explain - I didn’t realise it was the day before tbh so I probably wouldn’t do that but I would end it with her dad. And make sure the bride knew why a few weeks after the wedding. She’s prepared to hurt her own father than aunts or uncles that she isn’t close to.. she should have said no to them.

You haven't read the OP. It's all been explained why.

And she's close to her aunts and uncles, they are her flesh and blood family and her last ties to her deceased mother.

She is not at all close to the OP, her dad's girlfriend. The bride has barely even met the OP!

No bride is going to uninvite her own aunts especially when they are her link to her dear deceased mother, for her father's girlfriend!

I don't expect anyone to kick off. There are other options between accepting something and causing scenes.

OP has said she was involved in the preparations. What a shitty thing to do to someone who's been a part of your wedding up to two days before it.

That was down to the aunt, not the bride or her father.

What on earth could either have done that would have made this any better? I can't think of a thing that wouldn't have caused worse problems for the bride.

The bride and father are complicit by their silence in the whole shit show and should be dumped post-haste.

My dad wasn’t at my wedding, he passed away when I was 18, it didn’t make me an immature doormat on my wedding day.

How do you know they've been silent?

Unfortunately OP is not the most important person in this scenario. The aunt and uncle have been extraordinary unkind to the bride by dropping this on her at the last minute. But clearly she felt obliged to have then there, as a link to her mother.

There simply was no compromise available to the bride. My sympathy is with her more than anyone.

What a terrible thing to happen to you. You have every right to be very upset about this.

Whether or not this affects your long term relationship with your DP will surely depend on what he does next.

To people who want to know what the DP could possibly do in this situation I would understand that the immediate situation is stressful and complex but at the very least I’d expect :

1. him to come and see me face to face to demonstrate he understands how utterly disrespectful and dismissive this must feel to me, that he is deeply sorry for his part in this and that when the day has passed he will be having a very frank conversation with these people not just about their disrespect and appalling behaviour to everyone involved but also how utterly inappropriate they have been.
2. I would want my feelings of hurt to be acknowledged and demonstration/reassurance offered that he too is incredibly hurt and has not taken this lightly or just shrugged it off.
3. I would also expect some direct explanation and apology from the daughter to also acknowledge me as a significant long term partner of her dad and because being a bride does not absolve you from being a grown adult with an understanding of common decency and manners.

I am baffled why your partner thinks it's ok for you just not to go now.
I am even more baffled that people voted YABU

She's close to her dad though and should prioritise him over her aunt and uncle. She surely knows she's putting him in a very awkward situation and risking his relationship. Does she want him to end up alone?

In lots of your posts you talk about the relatives being her "flesh and blood" but that really doesn't mean she haa to pander to them or allow them to set the terms of her wedding. They are in the wrong. She should tell them no. End of story.

My brother died nearly two years ago. If his wife finds a new partner in time, I would be delighted for her. I know she loved the very bones of my brother and i would never begrudge her finding happiness again. This is such a cruel and spiteful act by the bride's aunt and uncle. I do not understand OP's partner and daughter not defending her right to be at the wedding.

Also, the OP has not once said the bride is close to her aunt and uncle. They live a long way away. @Flakycritic has made that bit up. She might want them there because she gets on with her cousins or because it would upset great aunts/uncles if not.

I last saw my aunt 15 years ago at my wedding because they live in Cornwall aka a place that is a "long way" from most places.

I know, this is bonkers.

Pp are saying he should insist OP comes completely disregarding the fact it is his daughter’s wedding and she stated she is worried her aunt/uncle won’t come if Op attends which is what they’ve threatened. And it is HER wedding not his.

I think they’re being completely BU disinviting her, but of course Bride will choose her aunty over dad’s partners she’s never lived with and didn't grow up with!

Where has she said this?

In the first post she says she's met the daughter and they get on. In the second post she says she was involved in the wedding plans.

You are incorrect.

Yeah, I don't think "she was at uni" means she barely met the OP. I was back from uni from May to October every year.

This isn't fair on you at all OP and I'm glad you've found yourself some plans for the day. That being said, this isn't your partners fault, it was the brides decision to cater to her aunts toddler tantrum. I wouldn't be rethinking my relationship with my partner over something ultimately out of his control but I would distance myself from his daughter as I don't reckon you'll be allowed to play any part not even a small part in the important bits of her life. If you are banned from her wedding, even the evening bit because her mum can't be there then I can only imagine the fuss if she has kids because her mum won't be able to meet them.

It is the daughter’s family that are in the wrong and putting her in an awkward position. She is wrong for pandering to them and their threats. They’ve been together for 5 years. It’s fucking ridiculous of them and her for going along with it.
No normal person would want any part in this and op should get rid and move on. Let’s see if he can get anyone else to put up with this madness.

If anyone hasn't read the OP it's you.

Where does it say this?

She is not at all close to the OP, her dad's girlfriend. The bride has barely even met the OP!

I feel sorry for the bride. As if she's not upset enough that her mum won't be at her wedding, she now has these selfish fucking idiots delivering pathetic, last-minute ultimatums.

Of course her dad doesn't want to upset her further but sadly if he hasn't at least tried to defend your corner, that would be the end of it for me.

I hope you manage to do something lovely tomorrow. I also hope that Auntie Sandra and Uncle Gerald choke on the wedding cake, the pair of cunts that they are.