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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this very odd. Do I ditch this person

89 replies

Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:13

Well I am looking for advice because I am finding this really weird. I have friend she is 20 years older than me, she was my best friends neighbour and we’ve always got along but she has always been a bit unusual. She is in her 60s I used to take her for shopping etc occasionally or go around and have dinner with her as I am single parent and I enjoyed the company.

In the pst year i changed jobs I have a much longer commute and also my daughter does not go to her dads house very much. This friend is constantly asking me to to take her places and I have had to decline either tired or busy. Now she keeps saying im so worried about you, go to the doctor you must ill. I said I’ve been had bloods had low folate and im on medication and she saying things like go back for a second opinion you don’t look well and it’s all the time. My other friend said I look fine but this is bizarre is she gaslighting me? Or maybe getting mentally ill? I don’t want to be mean but it’s really bothering me should I just cut her off?

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 22/05/2025 16:19

I would have a conversation with her about how as well as being tired, you have so many more commitments and travel these days that you can't do lifts like you used to. Suggest you meet somewhere convenient for both of you for a meal or drink. Does one of you have much more money than the other?

Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:22

PullTheBricksDown · 22/05/2025 16:19

I would have a conversation with her about how as well as being tired, you have so many more commitments and travel these days that you can't do lifts like you used to. Suggest you meet somewhere convenient for both of you for a meal or drink. Does one of you have much more money than the other?

She has more money than I do. I have known her for a long time and I have tried to explain I am just not as available as I was. I called her yesterday and she said look I know you are ill and I ended up losing my temper and saying will you just stop now!

OP posts:
FloraBotticelli · 22/05/2025 16:23

Well her behaviour is probably because you keep telling her you’re tired 🤔

You’re gaslighting her by suggesting she’s mentally unwell for taking you at face value. Be honest with her and tell her you don’t want to drive her places.

Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:26

FloraBotticelli · 22/05/2025 16:23

Well her behaviour is probably because you keep telling her you’re tired 🤔

You’re gaslighting her by suggesting she’s mentally unwell for taking you at face value. Be honest with her and tell her you don’t want to drive her places.

I am not gaslighting her at all. I have a busy life so I am tired in the evenings. She does not work so she is tired. I have not said she is mentally ill to her but she also said to my other friend i really dont want to lose you, as if she’s going to die or something. It’s weird believe me. What are people so antagonist here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:28

FloraBotticelli · 22/05/2025 16:23

Well her behaviour is probably because you keep telling her you’re tired 🤔

You’re gaslighting her by suggesting she’s mentally unwell for taking you at face value. Be honest with her and tell her you don’t want to drive her places.

I have explained to her many times i am
peri I do have less energy at the moment but she won’t let up. Being peri isn’t being ill it’s pet of life

OP posts:
ThirstyFruit · 22/05/2025 16:29

FloraBotticelli · 22/05/2025 16:23

Well her behaviour is probably because you keep telling her you’re tired 🤔

You’re gaslighting her by suggesting she’s mentally unwell for taking you at face value. Be honest with her and tell her you don’t want to drive her places.

Exactly. She’s running with the excuse you’ve given her for not taking her places. Just tell her the truth. You feel fine. You’re not up for driving her about.

(Your response is actually weirder than hers, tbh. Why would she be ‘gaslighting’ you or mentally ill?)

TommyAndGinaAreHalfWayThere · 22/05/2025 16:29

She’s trying to get you to prove that you’re not unwell by being at her beck and call again. Turn it back on her, say you’re worried about her as she keeps repeating herself and maybe she should see a doctor.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/05/2025 16:30

'Can you do this?'

OP: 'I'm too tired'

<repeat several times>

'Are you OK, you're always saying you can't do things because you're tired. Maybe you should see a doctor if you're too tired to do things all the time?'

OP: She's weird, she's gaslighting, she's messing with my head.

She's only going on your explanations/excuses. She's probably genuinely worried about you - but you're stretching the truth/lying to her.

Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:31

ThirstyFruit · 22/05/2025 16:29

Exactly. She’s running with the excuse you’ve given her for not taking her places. Just tell her the truth. You feel fine. You’re not up for driving her about.

(Your response is actually weirder than hers, tbh. Why would she be ‘gaslighting’ you or mentally ill?)

Show quote history

You are really not getting this. I have explained fully why I am more tired but she will not let up
trying to convince me that I am bloody sick. Why is that so hard to understand. Life changes she knows well that my circumstances have changed it’s not just an excuse to not give her a bloody lift. I don’t mind when I have the time but I don’t anymore.

OP posts:
Jin25 · 22/05/2025 16:32

I've noticed that some responses to people's posts here can be unhelpful and judgemental. I don't think you're under an obligation to stay in contact with this person. If she causes you to be so stressed that you lose your temper, maybe you should just sever the connection altogether

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 22/05/2025 16:32

She's only worried about you because you aren't spending as much time with her as she would like. So rather than realise that you don't have so much time for her now, naturally she has assumed that there must be something wrong with you.

Time to do a slow fade, I think.

ItGhoul · 22/05/2025 16:33

She thinks you're ill because you keep telling her you are 'tired' rather than just telling her you're too busy to do things with her all the time.

Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:33

TommyAndGinaAreHalfWayThere · 22/05/2025 16:29

She’s trying to get you to prove that you’re not unwell by being at her beck and call again. Turn it back on her, say you’re worried about her as she keeps repeating herself and maybe she should see a doctor.

Thank
you! I thought this could be the case ive been 100 percent honest with her and it’s not sinking in. If im about I will run her out for shopping but it’s taking me an hour and half to get home from work and that tires me out.

OP posts:
FloraBotticelli · 22/05/2025 16:34

No antagonism or judgement intended - sorry if it came across like that. Just wanted you to see that you’re totally in control of what’s going on here. You’re speculating that she’s mentally ill on the basis of her responding with concern to information you’ve decided to give her. If you don’t want people to comment on your health, why would you give them information on your health? If you don’t want to drive her, tell her that. People only bother you if you let them!

TommyAndGinaAreHalfWayThere · 22/05/2025 16:34

Also telling someone they look tired is actually an insult dressed up as concern. YANBU OP, nothing more annoying than someone constantly saying “you look tired”. Ditch her. She’s a pain in the arse.

Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:35

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 22/05/2025 16:32

She's only worried about you because you aren't spending as much time with her as she would like. So rather than realise that you don't have so much time for her now, naturally she has assumed that there must be something wrong with you.

Time to do a slow fade, I think.

I pop by coming home from work sometimes I keep her updated that my daughter has decided she doesn’t want to stay over at her dads so I need to be home. Shes 12. Surely a person would get this. I invite her round but she doesn’t want to come.

OP posts:
InNeedofAdvice12345 · 22/05/2025 16:36

I had a self-centred so-called friend like that. I had to cut her off. It was the only way.

Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:37

TommyAndGinaAreHalfWayThere · 22/05/2025 16:34

Also telling someone they look tired is actually an insult dressed up as concern. YANBU OP, nothing more annoying than someone constantly saying “you look tired”. Ditch her. She’s a pain in the arse.

I think I agree, my other friend said when I saw you last week I thought how lovely your skin looked and you looked relaxed and pretty but basically she is constantly telling me look shit.

OP posts:
F1LandoFan · 22/05/2025 16:37

Hmmm I don’t feel able to vote as I’m not sure what I think! If you do look less well than normal, she could just be worried about you? Or does she have a past of a loved one having something wrong and not being diagnosed maybe?

Mischance · 22/05/2025 16:38

Why does she need someone to take her places? Does she have a disability?

Terrribletwos · 22/05/2025 16:38

Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:31

You are really not getting this. I have explained fully why I am more tired but she will not let up
trying to convince me that I am bloody sick. Why is that so hard to understand. Life changes she knows well that my circumstances have changed it’s not just an excuse to not give her a bloody lift. I don’t mind when I have the time but I don’t anymore.

Show quote history

Well, just tell her that! You're too tired, ill whatever. Just do it!

Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:38

InNeedofAdvice12345 · 22/05/2025 16:36

I had a self-centred so-called friend like that. I had to cut her off. It was the only way.

Yeah, shame because I do care
about her but this is getting on my nerves.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:39

NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/05/2025 16:30

'Can you do this?'

OP: 'I'm too tired'

<repeat several times>

'Are you OK, you're always saying you can't do things because you're tired. Maybe you should see a doctor if you're too tired to do things all the time?'

OP: She's weird, she's gaslighting, she's messing with my head.

She's only going on your explanations/excuses. She's probably genuinely worried about you - but you're stretching the truth/lying to her.

That is not how it is at all. Wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lesleyann25 · 22/05/2025 16:41

Mischance · 22/05/2025 16:38

Why does she need someone to take her places? Does she have a disability?

She has a few mobility problems she gets around ok but she gets money from the government to pay for taxis. When I am available I will happily do it and she does not have to pay for a taxi.

OP posts:
myplace · 22/05/2025 16:42

DM sends me quack cures for my illness because she wants me to do more for her. She needs me fixed.

She’s passively aggressively telling you that the only excuse for not being at her beck and call is illness. And even then, you should get treated!

It’s all about failing to meet her needs. It’s unacceptable.