To find this very odd. Do I ditch this person

[Lesleyann25]

Well I am looking for advice because I am finding this really weird. I have friend she is 20 years older than me, she was my best friends neighbour and we’ve always got along but she has always been a bit unusual. She is in her 60s I used to take her for shopping etc occasionally or go around and have dinner with her as I am single parent and I enjoyed the company.

In the pst year i changed jobs I have a much longer commute and also my daughter does not go to her dads house very much. This friend is constantly asking me to to take her places and I have had to decline either tired or busy. Now she keeps saying im so worried about you, go to the doctor you must ill. I said I’ve been had bloods had low folate and im on medication and she saying things like go back for a second opinion you don’t look well and it’s all the time. My other friend said I look fine but this is bizarre is she gaslighting me? Or maybe getting mentally ill? I don’t want to be mean but it’s really bothering me should I just cut her off?

Look, decide whether this person is your friend or your pity project who needs lifts and duty visits! She’s in her sixties, and unless there’s a big drip feed coming, not unduly vulnerable, isolated or unwell. If you don’t want to continue the friendship, don’t.

No I think she has a past of being manipulative to get her way if im honest and that’s why it’s pissing me off.

Well if she has a past of being manipulative fuck her off.

I am not drip feeding ive know her since my twenties shes 20 years older than me and on the large side but she still manages fairly well. She always took us under her wing when we were young and daft so yeah I do feel obligated a little bit. Starting wish I hadn’t asked now.

it sounds bloody infuriating. I would lie and tell her that I had had a comprehensive checkup and that the doctor says I’m completely healthy as that it’s appropriate for me to feel a bit more tired than usual as I have a new more demanding routine and they have recommended I try to pace myself and get to bed earlier.

I have told her this so many time. I like to be in bed by 9.30 I used to be a bit of night owl so if she calls after ten I don’t really answer and she gets miffed. I don’t even look tired bevause I make sure I get earlier nights.

See this! I would have nipped that in the bud straightaway.

But as you haven't. Please do this now!

Yes I will. I am sick of going round in circles explaining that things are
different now and I am not
feckimg ill.

If you don't want to be friends anymore slow fade your messages back, reply to one I'm five and kick the meeting up can down the road. If you do want to see her again, say things are much busier for me now but I'm fine. Let's meet up three weeks on Tuesday. When you do meet up say can we not discuss my appearance anymore unless you want me to also critique yours! Say you find it boring and too personal. You'll be stepping back if it continues. You are in control op! I can't help but think she is being spiteful on purposes because you are spending less time with her but maybe I am jumping to conclusions!

Thank
you this is what my gut feeling is saying and it’s probably bothering me more because I have suffered with heath anxiety in the past and I think
if you are playing on that it’s bloody terrible.

She's really being quite demanding, isn't she?

I think she’s got used to you doing things for her and she thinks your tiredness is medical (even though it’s not, as you’ve explained) so she’s laying it on thick so you go to the doctor again, “cure” your tiredness and continue to help her. When she said to your friend ‘I don’t want to lose you’ she didn’t mean in case they die, she meant in case they stop helping her with things.

You said she’s been manipulative in the past and I think she will only become more expectant as time goes on. Time for a slow fade as she’s not your responsibility

How strange, OldFriend. Everyone else has been telling me how well I look. Perhaps I only look worn and ill when I’m with you? I wonder why…

She has a large family so they do need to do more for her. What she is failing to realise is that we are getting older too and our priorities have had to change due to children work
etc. I lived closer to her before also but she would still never come to my house and like I said I am a single
parent and I like her company but this is driving me
nuts.

Well do that! You will feel better for it!
Go fucking you!

It’s manipulative behaviour. She’s trying to negate your refusals.

Stop saying “no I’m too tired” or “no I’m too busy”, just say, “no sorry I can’t”.

You don't need to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

It sounds like you have been kind and helpful to her in the past but friendships aren’t always for life.

In your shoes I would be polite but firm. I wouldn't give excuses, and I certainly wouldn’t feel the need to answer the phone if it wasn’t convenient.

She can be miffed if she likes. You need to take care of yourself and your daughter first.

It's weird and intrusive. Have you had any hints of oddness with her before? My dm gets obsessed with certain things, usually health related. She can be convinced you have something and won't let it lie. It also smacks a bit of her deflecting from you not wanting to spend as much time with her. As though she can't accept that, there must be another reason.

OP, it's all fairly simple. Your life has changed and you'ree in a very different place now. She's also in a very different place, stage of life etc to you. She doesn't want to understand and she never will. Cutting her out of your life is the only way to get her off your back. There's no need to agonise over this.

Just get rid.

She brings nothing to your life - she's draining you of your finite spirit, time, energy and headspace - which as a single, working, communiting, peri parent to an almost teenager you cant afford to give to her - pivot your focus to you and your DDs well-being.

This character is only going to get more needy, demanding and contrary - get out now and focus on yourself and your DD for the next critical years.

You are in FOG fear, obligation, guilt mindset - NEVER a good reason to do anything.

You owe her nothing - you were a good friend and I expect the balance of benefit has firmly been in her favour for many years now.

She sounds selfish, tedious and manipulative.

It’s just a bit sad because she feels a bit like family really.

Just tell her that she's boring you now with the sickness comments. She is trying to make you feel guilty in a weird, roundabout way. Gaslighting.

Thank you, I agree my daughter is going through changes as I am and im paving the path forward for her starting high school etc i don’t need it.

She's relying on you too much - if you keep in contact make it clear it's once a month or whatever due to other commitments.

Well, she doesn't feel like family really does she. I mean, she's constantly upsetting you and making you angry. To the extent that you've posted here for advice. She isn't going to stop and she's not likely to change at the age of 60. You need to step back. She isn't a sad and lonely, impoverished old woman.

Some of these responses are very odd. You are not being unreasonable at all. She is upset you are no longer available and subconsciously or consciously trying to punish you. Telling someone they look tired or ill is incredibly rude. She should simply say that she misses you and would love to get a date in the diary to meet at some point but understands things have changed for you