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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really fed up with my friend?

48 replies

VictorianSqualor · 20/05/2008 16:42

Long story cut short, we had to move house as our let was up, the only house we could get in such a short space of time that was big enough and that we could afford is two buses away from DD's school.

We hired a childminder to look after Dd for the hour between DP leaving for work and DD starting school.

A friend of mine has a DD at the same school, and offered to have DD for the hour before school instead, she offered a couple of times and we took her up on her offer. The childminder wasn't too impressed that we were not going to use her anymore and apparently was complaining to the other CM's at the school about it, so we've burned our bridges there.

Friend has informed Dd this morning that she won't be having her anymore, starting the week after half term. In other words, she will only have her for three more days then we need to find alternative arrangements.

So, hardly any notice, and no possibility of getting our childminder back because she told us to cancel her, why bother?

If she hadn't been so insistent I would still be sending DD to the childminders and there would be no issue, now, I'm fucked.

I'm really annoyed, but almost feel like I shouldn't be because she was doing us a favour, but she doesn't go out of her way to do it, she goes to the school anyway and DD isn't a naughty child or anything so it's not that she can't have her anymore, just that she doesn't want to. Well maybe she should have thought about that before offering right?

OP posts:

meemar · 20/05/2008 16:44

You should be annoyed. She has totally messed you about. Why on earth did she offer to do it?

YANBU of course

DonutMum · 20/05/2008 16:46

Ooh, well no, you're not being unreasonable. Has your friend ever been unreliable before? This is really taking the piss. What's gone wrong, have you asked her why she's changed her mind? Your childminder sounds a bit of a madam btw.

mankymummy · 20/05/2008 16:46

Did you ask her why she has changed her mind?

Did you say anything about how she's dropped you in it?

YANBU.

Original poster

VictorianSqualor · 20/05/2008 16:47

My point exactly, Why offer to do something and then cancel leaving us in the lurch?

At first DD said she wouldn't be able to have her after the summer holidays, and I thought, cool, that's fine, plenty of time to sort something out, but no, the half-term holidays.

A weeks flipping notice.

OP posts:

bitofadramaqueen · 20/05/2008 16:49

Did your friend tell you via your DD? She hasn't actually spoken to you about it directly?

3725Hayley · 20/05/2008 16:49

That is a tricky situation. I can totally see why you are annoyed with your friend and I would be too. She should of realised that this was an arrangement that you needed to have for work reasons.

Speaking as a CM myself, it is really annoying when people start up with you, and then change their plans.

I would speak to the CM and explain your situation, and ask her to take your DD back on a permanent basis. Just be honest im sure she will understand.

As for the friend, just remember to not rely on her for anything again!!!

cornsilk · 20/05/2008 16:50

That's out of order. I would be seriously pissed off with her.

pinkmook · 20/05/2008 16:51

oooo its so annoying when people let you down like this. Just have to take a deep breath and chalk it down to experience. but yep what fecking pain in the backside friend

Kewcumber · 20/05/2008 16:52

why on earth is your frined discussing it wiht your DD - surely she should be telling you?

Original poster

VictorianSqualor · 20/05/2008 16:53

Nope, she hasn't even spoken to me about it herself, just told DD to tell me.

OP posts:

bitofadramaqueen · 20/05/2008 16:55

It's really bad of her not to speak to you about it directly. Are you close friends/been friends for a long time? I'd give her a call and enquire as to whether there have been any problems that you weren't aware of.

Then like Hayley said I'd try and repair the bridge with the CM.

Dont blame you for being pissed off btw.

pinkcandyfloss · 20/05/2008 17:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

sitdownpleasegeorge · 20/05/2008 17:02

Your tale of woe makes me justified in having politely refused all offers of after school childminding help by parents of ds's friends for this very reason. I can't afford for them to see it as an informal arrangement to be terminated when they see fit leaving me in the lurch.

Could you swallow your pride/dignity and approach the childminder with the offer of a compensation payment and ask for your place back or campaign for a breakfast club to be set up at school(but this will annoy the childminders too) ?

I think there are guidelines laid down now whereby by 2011 or something like that all schools have to offer wrap around care 8am to 6pm.

Can you alter you hours and start later ?

God, the need for childcare is a scary thing isn't it ?

nametaken · 20/05/2008 17:03

Thats a dreadful way for a friend to behave.

What is wrong with some people.

Stick to paid help, always.

WanderingTrolley · 20/05/2008 17:04

Your friend told your dd because she knows she's being unreasonable and has chickened out of telling you to your face.

I suggest you 'chicken out' of getting her a thank you present.

She might have things going on that you don't know about, but an honest apology wouldn't kill her, nor would the common courtesy to tell you herself.

Original poster

VictorianSqualor · 20/05/2008 17:21

DP is going to speak to his boss about starting work later so he can drop her at school and we are going to have to move back to the estate the school is at ASAP, we were planning on moving back after the summer anyway as DP is joining the police force so his hours will be all over the place but I'm still really angry.

OP posts:

TheFallenMadonna · 20/05/2008 17:25

You need to speak to her and find out why.

I looked after a friend's son and it got slightly wearing after a while. I wouldn't have dropped her in it of course, and kept looking after him until she was able to do so herself. But your friend does go out of her way a bit, and you need to speak to her about her reasons.

Of course she should have spoken to you and not DD though...

Original poster

VictorianSqualor · 20/05/2008 18:03

She doesn't really go out of her way, she is going to the school anyway and my Dd and her DD just watch the TV whilst she gets ready.

OP posts:

onepieceoflollipop · 20/05/2008 18:09

A similar thing happened to a colleague. Her "friend" decided (with no apparent reason) not to transport her son along with her own ds to school. Grandma was doing the actual care but couldn't drive and the school was a long way away. It caused her major inconvenience just like it has for you.

One of my friends is quite insistent that she will have our dd for the couple of mornings/evenings I will need wraparound care from Sept onwards.

I have seen others get caught out (and now you as well) so have said in a very friendly way "oh that is so kind, but rather than tie you down could we make it more informal and you help out if necessary, or perhaps the girls have tea together on the occasional evening?"

TheFallenMadonna · 20/05/2008 18:11

I don't mean physically going out of her way. One extra in the morning is, well, one extra. I didn't realise until I did it, and then stopped doing it, what a difference it made.

How long has she been doing it?

Original poster

VictorianSqualor · 20/05/2008 18:14

About 2 months.

OP posts:

Eddas · 20/05/2008 18:17

can't believe that she hasn't told you children are hardly reliable sources to tranfser information through!

I've recently lost my childcare from SIL and now realise that paid childcare is the way to go. Then unless they shut or stop working, if self employed, it's unlikely to let you down and they have to give you notice.

Sound like she didn't realise what it'd be like when she volunteered. Any reasonable person would give more notice or say until you've found something else.

allgonebellyup · 20/05/2008 18:17

Can you just ask her,face to face, why she didnt tell you rather than your dd?

TheFallenMadonna · 20/05/2008 18:19

Pah! Lightweight...

Seriously though, talk to her. Don't just stew about it. MN is good for letting off steam, but it does encourage stewing about things and a building up of Righteous Anger IMO

Squirdle · 20/05/2008 18:22

It's a bit odd that she would tell your DD and not speak to you! I assume your DD is at primary school. Did she expect to be paid for having her? Not saying you should btw. TBH I wouldn't find having a nother child for an hour before school a problem...after school yes I would, but before they aren't too mad anyway.

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