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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want my baby going to my MIL's without me.

88 replies

ByBluntGreyPoster · 21/05/2025 20:04

Heya so this may seem unreasonable however let me provide some insight then any feedback is very welcome.

I've been with my husband for 15 years, married for 7 and at the start my relationship with my MIL was OK, I mean we weren't going on shopping trips together etc however we have never had a cross word as such, however along the way she has definitely said comments I have not appreciated and over time I slowly started to go to her house less and less as tbh I just didn't want to anymore.
One comment years ago went along the lines of me talking about maternity leave and at this point DH and I had been together 8ish years and she went "we aren't thinking of babies yet"! I totally thought it was none of her business. Another comment was about my stepson and her telling me I wasn't another mum....which was odd given I wasn't trying to be his mum quite the opposite tbh as I was quite young at the time and acknowledged he had a mum. However I've always felt she is jealous of me and that I am so lucky to have her son with no acknowledgement that he is also lucky as I make him happy. She has made other comments...however those stuck out as they felt hurtful at the time. Fast forward to my pregnancy, she didn't really bother she would ask hubby how I was and one day I said to him why doesn't she text and ask me....well oddly a few weeks after me saying that she called me to ask how I was.
From that day onwards she has never checked again and once I had our baby she has never asked how I am and since having our baby she has popped round about 6 times in 9 months for 5 minutes each time and again never asked how I was or if she could help. Now that baby is bigger and doesn't need to be breastfed as much my DH takes him up to his mums for a couple of hours when he goes up....always without me to give me a break
However I begrudge that she has them up there and now can spend longer than 5 minutes as it seems she didn't want to bother with me and now it's on her turf she has the time...as the mother of her grandchild I just find her peculiar as I've never done anything or said anything to her.
She also always excuses her son and is quite sexist.

Can anyone weigh in, please.

OP posts:
ButteryLightHouse · 21/05/2025 20:09

My own opinion (which seems to go against the general Mumsnet consensus) is that me, DH and our DC are a package deal. We all go see our parents. Or our parents see us when we're all home. But we don't see our parents as often as your DH is seeing his mum. No way would we be up for that!

Just1712 · 21/05/2025 20:13

I honestly would not get stressed out about this. You don’t like her, your husband seems to get on ok with her. Just let them go on and enjoy the few hours peace. I honestly think you are to a win that husband takes child in his own and doesn’t expect you to go.

Hankunamatata · 21/05/2025 20:14

Er those comments by mil arnt really hurtful comments. Perhaps a little blunt but they don't seem malicious or nasty.

Tbh if mil had started calling me or texting me when I was pregnant I'd find that weird. I'm more than happy for dh to tell his mum how I am

You seem a little resentful that mil isn't gushing over you.

Hankunamatata · 21/05/2025 20:15

Perhaps you make her feel uncomfortable?

FNDandme · 21/05/2025 20:15

My DH goes alone to visit his mum as her house is filthy. If MIL wants to see our DD she comes here or we meet in a cafe - we even stopped taking the dog over as Ddog would always come home unwell

Thelostjewels · 21/05/2025 20:17

Op it doesn't matter what we think if it makes you uncomfortable don't let baby go or limit the time.

Createausername1970 · 21/05/2025 20:17

I would just be grateful that DH is happy to take the baby out on his own and I would be getting some quiet time to myself.

ExtraOnions · 21/05/2025 20:18

She did ask how you were, she asked your husband … who I presume she has the primary relationship with. Why would she need to ask you as well?

Maybe she doesn’t come over much because you don’t have a comfortable relationship.

You DH has a good relationship with her, let them crack on.

BIossomtoes · 21/05/2025 20:21

Createausername1970 · 21/05/2025 20:17

I would just be grateful that DH is happy to take the baby out on his own and I would be getting some quiet time to myself.

Most people would. Time for a long bath, read a book, watch a film - lovely.

Nevertrustacop · 21/05/2025 20:21

Thelostjewels · 21/05/2025 20:17

Op it doesn't matter what we think if it makes you uncomfortable don't let baby go or limit the time.

No this is bonkers. Of course OP doesn't have the right to ban baby from going if DH wants to take him.

Lmnop22 · 21/05/2025 20:23

I would say you guys don’t see eye to eye and she knows you don’t like her very much and knows you know she doesn’t like you very much so she felt a bit awkward at your house with you there (not saying that’s right but likely how it is).

But surely it’s a win win if your DH takes the baby there without you? You sound like you want to use your baby as a tool to upset her by depriving the contact and bond between them because you don’t get along. But that’s her grandbaby and it’s definitely in your child’s best interests (unless any safeguarding concerns which you’ve not mentioned) for them to see one another and form a bond.

You don’t want her in your house or around you so why do you care so much that she doesn’t come anyway?

Sassysoonwins · 21/05/2025 20:24

Another one here saying 'enjoy it', you don't get on, you don't want to go there, dh is happy to take your dd solo so enjoy the free time. I wish I'd managed to get out of countless trips to my MILs when the kids were tiny.

faerietales · 21/05/2025 20:27

Your baby is DH's baby too - and MIL is his mum. How would you feel if DH said you couldn't go to your mum's without him?

Thelostjewels · 21/05/2025 20:29

No it's very very different unfortunately it's mil whose making op feel uncomfortable and it feels like dh is deliberately taking the baby without her.So @faerietales

faerietales · 21/05/2025 20:30

Thelostjewels · 21/05/2025 20:29

No it's very very different unfortunately it's mil whose making op feel uncomfortable and it feels like dh is deliberately taking the baby without her.So @faerietales

Edited

It's not different at all.

DH can take his child to see his mum as much as he wants. OP is free to go with him if she doesn't want him to go alone, but she can't ban him from going.

Thelostjewels · 21/05/2025 20:32

But op isn't "free to go" if she feels her mil doesn't like her and has a problem with her?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/05/2025 20:32

The examples you have given are not even that bad imo. She asked after you when talking to her son, perfectly normal, don't think my inlaws have ever specifically spoken to me to ask how I am and my parents always asked me how DH was.
If your DH wishes to take his child to see his mother he is perfectly entitled to

BMW6 · 21/05/2025 20:33

Your DH has just as much "rights" over his child as you do! You don't have the right to stop him taking his child to visit his Mum, whatever your relationship with her.

YABVVVU

Dunnocantthinkofone · 21/05/2025 20:35

The examples of her problem comments seem pretty flimsy to me. A bit ill judged, possibly a bit interfering but that’s all - and absolutely years ago!
Hardly a reason to refuse to let her see her GD with her dad in tow.
Yabu

Itisjustmyopinion · 21/05/2025 20:36

Your baby doesn’t only belong to you so assuming your DH is the baby’s father he has every right to take her to see his family.

If you don’t want to go to that’s your choice but a child shouldn’t be used as a pawn in a game which is what your OP sounds like

faerietales · 21/05/2025 20:36

Thelostjewels · 21/05/2025 20:32

But op isn't "free to go" if she feels her mil doesn't like her and has a problem with her?

Of course she's free to go - she may feel uncomfortable about it, but that's not really relevant.

Her DH wants to see his mum and take his child with him - which he's well within his rights to do. OP can either tag along and accept it might be a bit awkward, or stay home and enjoy the peace.

Delphiniumandlupins · 21/05/2025 20:42

You haven't given any reason for stopping your MiL from spending time with your baby. You two aren't close but you're not suggesting she is harmful to your child. You wouldn't like your DH to say you couldn't take your DC to meet your family.

CheeseWisely · 21/05/2025 20:42

Honesty I’d just enjoy the break. My SIL has been to our place I think maybe half a dozen times in the 5 years we’ve been together, and also always defers to contacting DH rather than me directly. In fact I sent her a text invite to DS’s birthday party yesterday and she replied to him, not me!!

I now happily wave DH off with DS to visit her and enjoy a couple of hours to myself. I only go with them if the occasion demands (Birthdays / Christmas etc, not just popping in for a coffee).

Dunnocantthinkofone · 21/05/2025 20:47

It all seems a bit of childish grudge holding on your part tbh.
You obviously don’t like her and appear to be looking to cause problems

Lyra87 · 21/05/2025 20:50

Wouldn't be an issue for me personally. She hasn't been awful, maybe a bit blunt. If she's has a good relationship with DH, and is a good grandmother to her GC, I would view this as a way to facilitate those relationships without you needing to do anything.