Don't want my baby going to my MIL's without me.

[ByBluntGreyPoster]

Heya so this may seem unreasonable however let me provide some insight then any feedback is very welcome.

I've been with my husband for 15 years, married for 7 and at the start my relationship with my MIL was OK, I mean we weren't going on shopping trips together etc however we have never had a cross word as such, however along the way she has definitely said comments I have not appreciated and over time I slowly started to go to her house less and less as tbh I just didn't want to anymore.
One comment years ago went along the lines of me talking about maternity leave and at this point DH and I had been together 8ish years and she went "we aren't thinking of babies yet"! I totally thought it was none of her business. Another comment was about my stepson and her telling me I wasn't another mum....which was odd given I wasn't trying to be his mum quite the opposite tbh as I was quite young at the time and acknowledged he had a mum. However I've always felt she is jealous of me and that I am so lucky to have her son with no acknowledgement that he is also lucky as I make him happy. She has made other comments...however those stuck out as they felt hurtful at the time. Fast forward to my pregnancy, she didn't really bother she would ask hubby how I was and one day I said to him why doesn't she text and ask me....well oddly a few weeks after me saying that she called me to ask how I was.
From that day onwards she has never checked again and once I had our baby she has never asked how I am and since having our baby she has popped round about 6 times in 9 months for 5 minutes each time and again never asked how I was or if she could help. Now that baby is bigger and doesn't need to be breastfed as much my DH takes him up to his mums for a couple of hours when he goes up....always without me to give me a break
However I begrudge that she has them up there and now can spend longer than 5 minutes as it seems she didn't want to bother with me and now it's on her turf she has the time...as the mother of her grandchild I just find her peculiar as I've never done anything or said anything to her.
She also always excuses her son and is quite sexist.

Can anyone weigh in, please.

She isn't your type of person that's fine. Perfect solution for me is that dh takes dc for visits and once in a while I join. Unless she is unkind to dc or rude about you then I wouldn't grudge them a relationship. And I wouldn't be going with them every time if it is easily avoided. Alternative is you all go, dh goes himself or they come to you. A few hours peace is by far my preference.

You give no indication there's a risk of harm to your baby. (Apart from the sexist stuff, which doesn't sound great as your child gets older.)

You have a cordial relationship with your MIL.

Your husband takes the baby off and you get time on your own.

You sound like you might be trying to weaponise your baby.

YABU

Thank you for all your replies. I feel I haven't written this well! I don't mind my baby going with his dad and absolutely he has as much right as me. What I begrudge is that she is the one who has made me feel uncomfortable over time and never makes and effort! And yes if you want a relationship with my child you need to make effort with me as much as her own son thats just basic respect, especiallyas I use to go up howeveras her passive aggressive comments built up I went less and less as who wants to deal with that. And I still feel her comments harsh, as telling someone when to or not ro pro create is nobodies business but the the pro creators and the comment she made about my stepson really affected me and how I parented him....words matter as at the time I respected and looked up to her obviously being much younger then. Those aren't the only comment's, however they've become limited as I stay away, I went up in November when baby was still pretty small and ahe let her dogs just jump all over me and didn't stop them....it was me whilst breastfeeding my son at the time that had to lead them outside then O got left on the stairs to feed my son as Incould tell she was uncomfortable with breastfeeding. I felt so unwelcome.

Have you ever text her to ask her how she is?

I loved it when my husband took the kids to visit family without me. It’s not ‘my’ family and as lovely as they are (I have zero issues with any of them although my brother in law can be a twat) I preferred doing my own thing.

I also thought of it as bonding time for my husband, his family and our children. I didn’t have to be there. I didn’t take offence.

I always feel weird and uncomfortable when DH takes DD somewhere without me, still now that she’s nearly 5 and definitely when she was a baby. So I can empathise with that feeling - when she was tiny hed taken her to her parents to give me a break and I just cried until they came home. I got more ok/ normal about it but even recently he took her away to visit them where they were staying on holiday. I was invited but had other commitments and didn’t want the two of them to miss out so encouraged them to go, but felt so very sad and just weird/ wrong about it. In a way I wouldn’t if it had been me taking her somewhere myself.

Sounds like your DC is still quite young, so I can imagine there’s still a level of discomfort being away from them (even when you need the break) playing into this.

In terms of your relationship and whether she’s been unkind to you - it doesn’t sound like she’s been outright awful. A bit insensitive at times and certainly not as warm or welcoming as you might have wished. But I don’t think that’s a reason to block a relationship - if your DH is happy to take the baby to see her then like everyone else has said just see it as a result for you. He gets to see his mum, baby gets to see grandparent, everyone kept happy and you don’t have to do anything to arrange or facilitate it. Ultimately it’s DH’s baby as well and he has the right to take his child to see his parents (any safety concerns aside).

Further down the line when you’ve more headspace you could think about trying to build a closer relationship and maybe suggest more whole family get together or explicitly invite MIL to stuff - or you might choose to just leave things as they are and that would be fine too.

My mil is great. However I do not expect her to have the same effort or relationship with me as her own son.

If you want to go with them go, but seems pointless to me.

It sounds like you are being made to feel 'less than'. Just an incubator that produced a grandchild. You feel disrespected as a person. Does that ring true for you OP?

It's not that I don't want DC and MIL to have a relationship, it's that for years she has made not effort with me! Even when I tried, but that she makes no effort to come round our home....and I think that is purely because she wants DC and DH round her house without me....to me it just feels hurtful. It's odd as if I'm ever a MIL I really hope to have a great relationship with whomever my child may choose and hope to be someone they can rely off. However I definitely do enjoy the break, and will continue to as I would never stop it...I just wanted to write my thoughts down.

Absolutely this, I feel it is massively disrespectful to have no relationship with the mother of her grandchild! And I feel given she had postnatal depression herself that it is so odd that not once has she asked me if I'm OK yet can text to ask what hubby would like for Xmas etc.

Absolutely this, I feel it is massively disrespectful to have no relationship with the mother of her grandchild! And I feel given she had postnatal depression herself that it is so odd that not once has she asked me if I'm OK yet can text to ask what hubby would like for Xmas etc

It sounds like you’ve got unrealistic expectations of your MIL

Sorry a total deflection from the point of the thread but I just loved the post by @ButteryLightHouse.
So nice to hear of a family unit being a package deal when so many marriages on MN come over as a cold transactional arrangement of individuals.

They were hurtful at the time, and those aren't the only one's. And no I don't need her to gush over me, just have basic respect for the mother of her grandchild the same respect I afford her as my husbands mum or does it only go one way?

Could you explain how?
Wanting her to show some respect and general care towards me?
To spend more time round my house instead of "popping in for 5 minutes" then not seeing her again since hubby has been taking DC up to hers. I think expecting a relationship with her isn't asking too much, and I do feel the ball has always been in her court as the elder.

I have 2 DILs - I love them both and (I hope) we have a good relationship
I most certainly respect them and I ask them how they are when I see them and would happily do anything for either of them but as a MIL I’m wary of seeming interfering.
How should we show ‘respect’? Especially if the DIL has very obviously distanced herself and doesn’t ever visit?

Cross posted. Popping in is tricky.
Easily seem as pushy and interfering if you do, uncaring if you don’t!
personally I wait to be invited

But you don’t like her.

Oh I totally understand you! The first time he took DC I also cried and cried, DC being away from me felt like physical pain! Can't explain it as have never felt it before children.
It gets easier each time, however I've never missed anyone like it, just shows the connection we have to our LO's and how amazing the mother child bond is!

I certainly wouldn't block anything, that is not my wish..I just feel let down. I have an awful mum who jasnt bothered at all, and maybe I have a fairytale idea of what a grandparent is as mine died very shortly after I was born so neber experienced it. DH went back to work a day after I came home from hospital and I've had no help but from him which is limited as he is only home a day a week and I thought maybe she would offer to help where she could...but it never came. My expectations are my own fault, however my husband always puts his mum on a pedestal for how nice she is...however not to me she isn't. And I do feel even he is slightly surprised at his own mum tbh.

At no point have I said I don't like her. Unfortunately comments made by her haven't helped and it definitely has impacted the relationship or lack of.

you don’t have to have said you don’t like her OP, it’s obvious. Probably to her as well as to us
She does sound a bit shit though….no way on earth would I have not offered to help my DIL and my son in those circumstances

However I begrudge that she has them up there and now can spend longer than 5 minutes as it seems she didn't want to bother with me and now it's on her turf she has the time...as the mother of her grandchild I just find her peculiar as I've never done anything or said anything to her.

I mean it’s very simple surely, she likes her son better than his partner and feels closer to her son. That’s hardly weird.

It might be worth having a fresh start with mil given a good relationship is important to you. Reach out, invite her over while dh at work or go for a walk with dc. See if there is w way to start a better relationship. To do that you will have to draw a line over previous problems. Any future ones politely correct there and then.

See you already sound different! I don't think my MIL would ever say she loved me, that would certainly be down to me though as like you say I don't visit or not very often anymore.
When I last visited she let her dogs jump all over me and DC and just sat staring...in the end I had to get the dogs out into the garden (not easy whilst breastfeeding). I then got left on the stairs to feed as she didn't seem comfortable. Not once did she ask was I OK or anything and seemed to begrudge I was there...at the time baby still needed to be fed regularly otherwise I wouldn't have bothered. That last visit showed very little care pr respect to me or DC.
I do understand when you say popping in is tricky however each time I have tried to get her to stay showing I want her there but she always says her parking is about to rub out...why not put the parking for longer? However if ypu don't want to be around me I guess you wouldn't

Imagine if the DH wouldn’t let the OP visit her mum without him there