Don't want my baby going to my MIL's without me.

[ByBluntGreyPoster]

Heya so this may seem unreasonable however let me provide some insight then any feedback is very welcome.

I've been with my husband for 15 years, married for 7 and at the start my relationship with my MIL was OK, I mean we weren't going on shopping trips together etc however we have never had a cross word as such, however along the way she has definitely said comments I have not appreciated and over time I slowly started to go to her house less and less as tbh I just didn't want to anymore.
One comment years ago went along the lines of me talking about maternity leave and at this point DH and I had been together 8ish years and she went "we aren't thinking of babies yet"! I totally thought it was none of her business. Another comment was about my stepson and her telling me I wasn't another mum....which was odd given I wasn't trying to be his mum quite the opposite tbh as I was quite young at the time and acknowledged he had a mum. However I've always felt she is jealous of me and that I am so lucky to have her son with no acknowledgement that he is also lucky as I make him happy. She has made other comments...however those stuck out as they felt hurtful at the time. Fast forward to my pregnancy, she didn't really bother she would ask hubby how I was and one day I said to him why doesn't she text and ask me....well oddly a few weeks after me saying that she called me to ask how I was.
From that day onwards she has never checked again and once I had our baby she has never asked how I am and since having our baby she has popped round about 6 times in 9 months for 5 minutes each time and again never asked how I was or if she could help. Now that baby is bigger and doesn't need to be breastfed as much my DH takes him up to his mums for a couple of hours when he goes up....always without me to give me a break
However I begrudge that she has them up there and now can spend longer than 5 minutes as it seems she didn't want to bother with me and now it's on her turf she has the time...as the mother of her grandchild I just find her peculiar as I've never done anything or said anything to her.
She also always excuses her son and is quite sexist.

Can anyone weigh in, please.

This would be my position in this. You MIL is trying to ignore your existence in your own family and your husband, even though he's trying to facilitate alone time for you, is enabling this.

It's going to become a serious problem to raise a child who actively sees their mother being ignored and disrespected by significant family members and their dad going along with that.

She is the child's Mother.

OP every word you say resonates with me, but at the same time I think YABU if you were to make it difficult for her to have a relationship with the baby. She raised her son, he now has a child, her grand child and she wants to have a relationship with that child. The relationship will ultimately benefit the child and make your Dh happy. So you have to let it happen.

BUT I 100% get where you are coming from! . It's so similar to my situation. My mum died not that long before i was pg, and we were living in the same town as ILs. i stupidly assumed i had a support system. MIL called to see me zero times alone during a 10 month mat leave. She would visit on a Saturday afternoon organised through DH and stay all afternoon with FIL, eating into our rare family time and never even making as much as her own cup of tea, let alone one for me. Not one meal was made for us or groceries done the week post partum. I even told her she was welcome to come anytime dh was at work, secretly thinking she might hold the (extremely difficult) baby for 5 mins so I could have a shower or whatever, but it never happened. I was extremely upset for a long time. Then when I went back to work they offered to take DS 1 day a week, we really needed this financially so we said yes. When I dropped him off she would take him at the door and close the door on me, she tried to do the same at collecting time but I started to just walk into the house, I know this irritated her but i was gone beyond caring at that point. DC is a teen now and he has a close relationship with them, I don't think he ever noticed that I don't have a connection to her, we all behave very well in a group and see each other regularly at family dos. They did babysit a bit over the years at their house and ours, even taking him for a weekend a few times so I am grateful for that. I accepted long ago I was always the extra one in the room but the good thing is I could disappear and do my own thing guilt free whenever they were here.

So you never do anything on your own, you go out as a family every single time, you never go to see your friends or your parents on your own?

You never have any time apart?

Do you ever have a coffee on your own with a friend?

Sorry, that is just bloody weird and slightly controlling.

You hope to have a great relationship

I genuinely think MIL can't do right for wrong.

Who's controlling who here?

And he's the child's father.

We all expect and want our children's fathers to be fully involved as a parent. When fathers don't step up, we all condemn them in hundreds of posts per 'my husband doesn't play his part' threads.

But apparently they're supposed to be perfect fathers without having any say. Apparently the mother can dictate whether or not they take their child out alone, or actually facilitate their child's relationship with their grandparent, (according to you)

Turns out that some men really can't win.

Not sure - you're the one who said we come as a package.

Are you honestly telling me you never nip in to see your mum/dad/parents for a brew on your own?

Ah, I think the problem you might be having with our family's choices is that there is no possibility of nipping for a brew. Neither of our parents live in nipping distance. It's a day trip requiring setting an alarm in the morning and getting back in the dark when we see them. It requires planning for both our nuclear family and the parents we're seeing to find a whole day/couple of days we're all free. Also in the mix is that we have/had challenges with our relationships with our parents and we value each other's emotional support when we see them. We stick up for each other. If our parents lived in the same city as us we might make different choices. Dunno - a time limited nip for a brew might be OK. I could see it being more useful for helping them get whatever job done they needed help with.

But regardless of any of that, me and my DH like each other, we like going places together. We do miss each other when not together. I don't think it's controling at all. We're most happy in each other's company

I see MILSnet is busy this morning. I hear you OP. She has ignored you and your H is enabling this. So many posts commenting on the H's rights and how wrong it is to interfere with contact, which OP has repeatedly said she wouldn't do. @ByBluntGreyPoster your MIL is very rude and disrespectful, but try not to get too caught up in it - she's simply not worth it. How is your relationship with your H more generally? Why didn't he take time off when you had your baby? Why is he out 6 days a week? Does that mean when he takes your baby to the MILS, that's the only day he isn't at work or elsewhere? All of this seems much more concerning to me.

I don't have an issue with your family or your choices.

I get that visiting family if you live a distance requires more thought/planning than if they lived in the same town etc.

As for liking each other - I love my husband - but still manage to do things independently

Honestly OP,who do you think you are to even think of stopping DH to take HIS baby to see HIS mother?The baby belongs to you both.
Her remarks to you were trivial. A bit blunt but were said years ago.
Am surprised you even remember!
The present set up is fine. She gets to see her grandchild. You don't see her. Your DH enjoys time with his mum. Everyone happy. But not you apparantly. If I were your husband I would definitely speak my mind if you presumed to stop me taking my baby to see my mum. Can't think why you feel uncomfortable unless you like your own way. Chill. Relax. Have a sneaky glass of wine. Pamper yourself in those couple of hours.