Don't want my baby going to my MIL's without me.

[ByBluntGreyPoster]

Heya so this may seem unreasonable however let me provide some insight then any feedback is very welcome.

I've been with my husband for 15 years, married for 7 and at the start my relationship with my MIL was OK, I mean we weren't going on shopping trips together etc however we have never had a cross word as such, however along the way she has definitely said comments I have not appreciated and over time I slowly started to go to her house less and less as tbh I just didn't want to anymore.
One comment years ago went along the lines of me talking about maternity leave and at this point DH and I had been together 8ish years and she went "we aren't thinking of babies yet"! I totally thought it was none of her business. Another comment was about my stepson and her telling me I wasn't another mum....which was odd given I wasn't trying to be his mum quite the opposite tbh as I was quite young at the time and acknowledged he had a mum. However I've always felt she is jealous of me and that I am so lucky to have her son with no acknowledgement that he is also lucky as I make him happy. She has made other comments...however those stuck out as they felt hurtful at the time. Fast forward to my pregnancy, she didn't really bother she would ask hubby how I was and one day I said to him why doesn't she text and ask me....well oddly a few weeks after me saying that she called me to ask how I was.
From that day onwards she has never checked again and once I had our baby she has never asked how I am and since having our baby she has popped round about 6 times in 9 months for 5 minutes each time and again never asked how I was or if she could help. Now that baby is bigger and doesn't need to be breastfed as much my DH takes him up to his mums for a couple of hours when he goes up....always without me to give me a break
However I begrudge that she has them up there and now can spend longer than 5 minutes as it seems she didn't want to bother with me and now it's on her turf she has the time...as the mother of her grandchild I just find her peculiar as I've never done anything or said anything to her.
She also always excuses her son and is quite sexist.

Can anyone weigh in, please.

I think you may be right, I use to very much like her however her views and comments really don't align with me, extremely dated and sexist views that mostly set woman back.

And I would never stop a relationship and I want DC and her to have the best relationship, but I don't want to be cut out like I don't matter. She as a mum should understand that.

Gently OP, I think maybe you are grieving the type of family relationship you hoped to have had with one or both of your families, that has sadly not come to pass
I would too tbh. but you can’t force it. For your own peace of mind, accepting it would be wiser.

Gently you’re being ridiculous. If you divorced DH he could take your children whenever he wanted. Just chill out.

Just out of interest, as you've said you've been together 15 years and just had your first but your DH had a child already, was there quite a big age gap between the two of you which might have led to the 'no babies' comment at the 8 year mark?

I think you are right, I had expectations for which none have been met! Sadly those expectations are only on me!
However this is the reason women in the western world struggle in motherhood, as unfortunately there is no village to speak of. Now this isn't to say I'm struggling, actually the opposite I have loved becoming a mother , but at times having a few close women who understand would have been so appreciated. Thank you for reading and giving sage advice.

THIS

You want to limit this grandparent-grandson relationship because of your own hang ups with MIL, not because you think your child is at any risk in any way.
Says as much about you as about her.
Enjoy the break and pipe down.

If you read all of my other posts on this thread that will give further clarity!

And no I don't want to stop her seeing her DC, those other posts shed more light! Read or don't read your choice.

You both clearly don’t get on but you want to weaponise your child to get back at her

your DH is a fool if he goes along with this

Yep. We've very similar, we generally come as a "family". I think it's unhealthy to segregate yourselves into "his family" "her family" it causes division.

I get you op, on the MIL situation. I think it's good old fashioned jealousy. "Not ready" for a baby after you've been together 8years ? That's odd.

You may find she mellows with time. My own MIL was a bit of a nightmare in a similar way going back a few years. When the kids get older and more autonomous I think feelings mature on all sides. I think when they start getting older (the mil) they get a bit more vulnerable and become less spiteful/competitive. I really like mine , truthfully. But go back 10yrs ago, she was the bain of my life.

I’ve said you’re being unreasonable, but only because I think you should enjoy the time to yourself and appreciate that you don’t have to put up with her! That’s what I do

Thank you!
I totally at the time thought, what do you mean not ready yet! What it was is that we weren't married at the time and she didn't want her son getting "trapped" again, well that's what I assume as (stepson wasn't planned). However after 8 years and planning a wedding we were definitely pretty much ready for children. I just feel as MIL or anybody really it's not your place to comment . She also really didn't want me being a step mum, it was like she didn't want me taking another one of "her" boys!
She has admitted she is a very jealous person, she obviously never admitted she is jealous of me! However she doesn't like younger women or women in general tbh very internally misogynistic.
Sad really.

I see no need for jealousy we both love the same man but just very differently, also she always gets to see her son alone so it's not as if I get in the way. Although his visits have got a little less since LO arrived as we need family time....possibly that annoyed her.

It’s absolutely fine as long as you can’t take the baby to your mum’s too.

Don't scratch your head wondering if you've done anything. You haven't, you really haven't.

See, with this jealousy rooted behaviour, it can't be rationalised - because it isn't rational !

Boundaries are very important (they'll be individual to you ) have a think what yours are , then stick to them.

Keep being you and going about your life as you wish. Don't jump through hoops modifying your behaviour to please her. You won't do it. She'll move onto her next petty annoyance.

Trust me, this is jealousy. Does she only have sons/grandsons by any chance? I often find, for some reason, mothers with only sons tend to be the worst culprit for this type of behaviour. They seem to see a DIL coming along as a threat to their position in their son's importance list. And I suppose, in effect, it does alter. But it doesn't mean the son no longer loves his mum. A wise woman knows this. An emotional immature/,jealous one won't accept it and will instead lock horns to retain "top dog ".

It's very confusing and frustrating got a DIL like yourself who's not looking for a tug of war !

I have my fingers crossed that your MIL mellows. There is hope : mine really did. And truthfully, if she died, I'd miss her in our lives. Once upon a time , I was wishing some awful things on her. Babies do bring out the worst in a jealous matriach (further competition) and good source of wind up to play games with DIL.

Keep being nice. Don't react to any bait (it's hard, but it pays off) all games need 2+players. Don't be the second player. It'll get boring for her. Act naive and oblivious to any passive aggressive provocations.

Do some googling on ways to handle her. I strongly recommend killing with kindness and your own version of ',grey rock ' for the interim

Maybe your relationship with your MIL would be better if you showed an interest in her, and joined your DH in visiting her occasionally. At least you now have the baby in common to talk about.

Sitting around waiting for her to visit you, when you can't be arsed to visit her, isn't going to get you anywhere. One of you had to break the impasse and it might as well be you.

I'm inevitably influenced because I would have done almost anything if dh had taken ds to his parents without me. I think it's a nice thing to do. Your MIL sounds OK, it's not a disaster that you don't get on that well. I'd let it be and try to enjoy the time.

Another who thinks YABVVVU.

I think you have hugely unrealistic expectations - it’s clear you don’t like her and she’ll know you don’t like her - so why would she pop over to visit or ring you to see how you are? I mean, you never pop in on her or call her, do you?

So the other angle. What have you done to facilitate a relationship with mil?
You seem to have all these expectations but have you actually asked or requested help? Told her what you need? You seem to think she should just know.
So many mil cant do right for wrong. My own was so wary about being around to much or interfering or even worried about offering to help. We talked and she told me to ask her.

My MIL is great - she's polite, caring and generally a lovely lady. Has been so helpful in helping us with childcare for our kids. However, she's said a few comments in the past that raised my eyebrows but then again my own DM (who I'm super close to) has also said things. We all do. We don't often realise the other person is taking offence or has interpreted it differently and even close families can rub each other up the wrong way sometimes. So I gave MIL benefit of the doubt. We're quite different people, so its likely we'll both say odd things from time to time due to our differences in approach and opinion but thats pretty normal.

FWIW, MIL contacts DH mostly - not me. Because she is obviously far closer with him and can be more honest/herself (just like I'm more myself with my own family). She doesn't come round ever, despite living in the same town. But again, nor do my own parents. They are all aware of looking like they're interfering and that we've got busy lives so will typically prefer to see us at their homes or once invited round. it works fine for us. She doesn't message to check how I am, even when I was pregnant - but she'd check in with DH and ask after me and that was enough for me.

Does the child's father get a say in that?

Sadly it's not you - you serve no purpose to her - she is rude and likes he's own way which she is getting - it's up to you what you do going forward - how long is your husband out for and does he have lots of contact with her - does he treat you well.

if you want a relationship with my child you need to make effort with me as much as her own son

This is nonsense. She loves her son just as much as you love your baby. She is never going to ‘make an effort’ similar to that she does for her own child.

She doesn’t have to make an effort with you, because it is very clear neither of you likes the other. As long as she isn’t rude, it’s fine. A shame, sure, but fine.

You can’t restrict your DH taking his child to see his family just because you don’t like them. You could go along if being apart from your baby was a problem, and tolerate feeling uncomfortable. That’s your choice to make.

I think you are putting the burden of your own personal family disappointments onto your in-laws shoulders.

Didn't spend any time apart from my own child until she turned 3. Would absolutely be uncomfortable in the situation you are in OP. If you don't want your baby to go, your baby is not going, end of.

That is completely unreasonable. The baby is not a newborn and is with its father who is perfectly within his rights to take the baby to see his mum. The OP has a choice whether to go with or not but the baby has 2 equal parents and she absolutely would be out of order to stop her husband taking the baby