To spend my inheritance on learning to drive?

[DuchessofSuffolk]

I know people who can’t drive are often shot down in flames on mumsnet, but here goes….

A bit of background, I have been trying to drive on and off since I was 18. I eventually gave up at the age of 33. I have failed my test 4x. Every instructor I have has eventually stopped answering my messages for me to book in lessons with them. I eventually gave up and I am now 36. The thought of driving makes me feel really anxious and I also have dyspraxia, which is an added challenge.

My Nanny passed away last year, whilst I was heavily pregnant with my first baby. I found out a couple of months later my grandparents had left each of the grandchildren about 5% of their estate, so about 12k potentially. We are just going through the process of dividing the money up with the solicitors, my Dad recons I will receive it in June/July.

I had planned to put some towards overpaying our mortgage, a bit towards our first family holiday, and then a little something for myself to remember them by. The other day my husband suggested learning to drive again. He can drive, he passed at 18, first time, and found it relatively easy. He does all the driving, obviously. He has seen me struggle in the past.

Where we live there is a bus service, it does stop at about 7pm though. I can get to work and get a few places with my little girl, although there are some places I can’t get to and it requires my husband to drive to. If she went to the local school we could walk, but then we know we won’t be in this house forever.

I am very much aware of the opportunities being able to drive could open up. And I know it seems unfair that my husband has done all the driving for the past 10/11 years. I do feel like if I did learn to drive it would be one more job to pick up as he doesn’t do
much around the house and often says things like “if you could drive you could go and do the weekly food shop” “if you could drive I’d get you to drive home” “if you could drive you could do the swimming lessons with the baby” (it’s the one class I don’t do, but I also think it’s nice for him to have that time with her) I do feel like learning to drive should be something I do for my daughter tho.

On the other hand, the thought of driving terrifies me. I’m very much aware of the fact that the worst case scenario is I could kill someone. I also don’t want to waste more money. How much money and time do I waste before I give up? I feel like as it’s money that has been gifted to me I should do something good with it! I hate that I’ve spent so much already and have nothing to show for it.

Final bit of info, I have tried automatic. I struggled then as well. For me a large part of it is confidence but I also can’t remember the sequence of movements, so for example parallel parking.

So my AIBU is
YABU: to not learn to drive and should just keep spending the money until you have passed.
YANBU: to the money on something else and carry on taking your baby on the bus.

Be gentle please. This is a really sore, sensitive topic for me.

Absolutely it's a good idea. There's a thread from another poster recently struggling with exact the same thing. Unfortunately I can't find it but hopefully someone will link it shortly.

You'll still have money left over.

Please do learn to drive, for your own sake. It will open up so many opportunities for you and your dc.

I voted yabu because I think you would benefit a lot being able to drive. It will be money well sent. Maybe learn in an automatic?

I think the hatred towards non-drivers is both stupid and cruel. I say this as someone who has never been able to fully learn to drive because my health issues made it unsafe.

It's like a topic of grown up bullying. Can't drive = Excuse to pick on you. Like kids in school who get picked on for not having the latest thing, or hitting a milestone late (or not at all). Adults should be past that and more mindful of people's situations.

I think it's entirely up to you OP. I don't think you need to spend the money on driving if you don't want to - However if you're able to learn, it will of course help your daughter and partner. For that reason, if you're willing to do it, it may be a good idea.

No vote here, I don't think either option is better than the other for you.

This may sound strange, have you considered going to the GP and discussing your struggles there? Most people can learn to drive, and I've read examples of some people who only discovered health issues from the fact they could never seem to learn to drive and they didn't understand why... Neurological, eyesight etc. (nothing scary from my memory, just an explanation for why learning to drive is harder for them).

How many hours have you had and how many tests have you failed?

our friend has failed over 10 times as possibly that’s a sign that you’re not meant to drive…

Give it one more shot. Find an instructor with a reputation for success with extremely nervous learners. You could also try some counselling to see if there are underlying issues.
Have ten lessons or so. If you still can't control the nerves then maybe accept it's not for you (not everyone can - or should - drive and there's no shame in that).
If it doesn't work then put some of your money by for a taxi fund so you can always get to those difficult-to-access places as a treat.
Auto all the way, btw. Much easier if you're not well coordinated (I speak from experience).

Learning to drive can be a huge source of independence - but not if you're too scared to use it.

As you're dyspraxic, would an assessment at your nearest specialist centre be helpful in making the decision?Eg https://www.hertsability.org.uk/ but apparently there are 20 nationwide.

OP, I passed on my 5th driving test. Also incredibly nervous driver at the time, and for about a year or so after passing. Then suddenly it 'clicked' and I'm very confident now. Also echo others that automatic is a lot easier.

So absolutely your decision - but please don't think that failing 4 times means you'll just keep on failing. I know how much courage it takes to keep on trying.

You should learn to drive

To be honest OP, I’m not sure.

Your dyspraxia won’t have changed since your earlier attempts so before trying the same thing again I wonder if there is any dyspraxia-orientated help you can get, ways of approaching driving so that the sequence of what to do comes more easily? Or a specialist instructor?

You could set your money aside as an Uber fund.

You could do a crash course so you would get it all over and done with in a couple of days which might help your confidence .

Yanbu
This is a good opp

I'd do one of those 1 week intensive courses with a test at the end and also ensure you learn in an automatic.

Use remaining cash to buy an automatic and make yourself use it regularly it will click for 99% of people

I was like you. I spent hundreds and hundreds of pounds (in the 80s) on learning to drive because XH wanted me to, passed my test post-divorce.

A total waste of time and money. I’ve never driven since, just moved closer to public transport. Managed perfectly well without relying on anyone.

Maybe set aside a certain amount, and set the goal that if you've not passed when the amount has ran out, you'll call it a day.

There's nothing wrong with not driving.

OP I have been in your situation. I took lessons at 18 on and off failed many tests lots my nerve thought driving wasn’t for me also have dyspraxia.

2 years ago I passed (after taking a course of hypnotherapy to help me and persevering with a great instructor who really supported me)

it has changed my life, my confidence I can do alot more with my kids then I ever did and I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time

i I know it feels like you can’t but I’m telling you… you can ro
this!!!!

Spend the inheritance you would have used for driving lessons on paying for some taxis. In general, I would say learn to drive, but it really does sound as though you have already given it your best efforts. It’s not for everyone.

Try doing an intensive course and if possible avoid London as there are a lot of aggressive drivers there

Sorry, wrong thread.

@DuchessofSuffolk driving is mainly a life choice . For you it sounds like th choice has been taken from you .
I know one lady who tried to drive and gave up . She raised her kids did everything for her dh and has had a full life with no restrictions she organises her time and is one of the less stressed people I’ve ever met .

Me I learned to drive in my 20s it’s gave me freedom for sure but honestly op you have no idea the amount of time I have driven I think ive done more miles than anyone I know .
I often think would my life be less stressful if I didn’t drive . I am a very confident driver but there are so many idiots on the toad to watch for.

In your case I just wouldn’t do it . The right thing for you is to NOT drive.
Your dh does very little and would leave it all to you ? No chance .

Keep things as they are but also keep that money in savings instead of paying off the mortgage early . It’s your money, you decide .

Also why are us brits more obsessed with driving than any other European county .
I know our transport links aren’t as good but I don’t understand why it’s looked down on here if you don’t drive .

As everyone said on the other thread. Learn in an automatic.

Whilst I do think it would be good if you could drive, it doesn't sound like you actually want to have more lessons, and I think if your heart isn't in it then you're less likely to pass anyway.

I can't drive either, I'm 40. Never tried. Have a health thing too.

Agree with this.

Try lessons again (in an automatic).

I didn't do lessons until my mid 30's. I'm autistic over anxious, no co-ordination, etc. The motivator was wanting to drive for my children - take them to clubs/events etc.

Took me nearly 2 years, 3 different instructors (one dumped me, one made in appropriate comments, one was amazing).

I failed a few times.

I needed to learn slowly and build up confidence. Thankfully found an instructor who realised this (I didn't realise it myself at the time) and always believed I'd pass. Think they were delighted when I did because they sick of seeing me.

We also bought an old car for me after failing a test to re-motivate me, go driving with DP and I passed the next time.

First, develop a very thick skin about people who sneer at non-drivers. They wouldn't want the roads to be full of dyspraxic people who can't judge speed or distance and hesitate forever on roundabouts and sliproads, due to delayed neural responses. I used to feel so ashamed. Now I don't give a damn.

Definitely try learning in an automatic this time, and plan for any car you buy to be an automatic with all the add-ons to help you park and drive safely.

If it is still beyond you, just put aside the money most people spend on a car each year - on insurance, petrol, repayment instalments, MOT, tax etc and spend it on Ubers and taxis and man-with-a-van collection and drop off services. You get a surprising amount of safe passenger time in a cab for the money most people spend on having a car.