To spend my inheritance on learning to drive?

[DuchessofSuffolk]

I know people who can’t drive are often shot down in flames on mumsnet, but here goes….

A bit of background, I have been trying to drive on and off since I was 18. I eventually gave up at the age of 33. I have failed my test 4x. Every instructor I have has eventually stopped answering my messages for me to book in lessons with them. I eventually gave up and I am now 36. The thought of driving makes me feel really anxious and I also have dyspraxia, which is an added challenge.

My Nanny passed away last year, whilst I was heavily pregnant with my first baby. I found out a couple of months later my grandparents had left each of the grandchildren about 5% of their estate, so about 12k potentially. We are just going through the process of dividing the money up with the solicitors, my Dad recons I will receive it in June/July.

I had planned to put some towards overpaying our mortgage, a bit towards our first family holiday, and then a little something for myself to remember them by. The other day my husband suggested learning to drive again. He can drive, he passed at 18, first time, and found it relatively easy. He does all the driving, obviously. He has seen me struggle in the past.

Where we live there is a bus service, it does stop at about 7pm though. I can get to work and get a few places with my little girl, although there are some places I can’t get to and it requires my husband to drive to. If she went to the local school we could walk, but then we know we won’t be in this house forever.

I am very much aware of the opportunities being able to drive could open up. And I know it seems unfair that my husband has done all the driving for the past 10/11 years. I do feel like if I did learn to drive it would be one more job to pick up as he doesn’t do
much around the house and often says things like “if you could drive you could go and do the weekly food shop” “if you could drive I’d get you to drive home” “if you could drive you could do the swimming lessons with the baby” (it’s the one class I don’t do, but I also think it’s nice for him to have that time with her) I do feel like learning to drive should be something I do for my daughter tho.

On the other hand, the thought of driving terrifies me. I’m very much aware of the fact that the worst case scenario is I could kill someone. I also don’t want to waste more money. How much money and time do I waste before I give up? I feel like as it’s money that has been gifted to me I should do something good with it! I hate that I’ve spent so much already and have nothing to show for it.

Final bit of info, I have tried automatic. I struggled then as well. For me a large part of it is confidence but I also can’t remember the sequence of movements, so for example parallel parking.

So my AIBU is
YABU: to not learn to drive and should just keep spending the money until you have passed.
YANBU: to the money on something else and carry on taking your baby on the bus.

Be gentle please. This is a really sore, sensitive topic for me.

Do it if you want to, not because your useless husband wants to offload his bare minimum onto you.

If you decide against learning to drive, I highly recommend making transport links a priority with your next house. I do drive, but my job involves a lot of train travel so we chose a house a short walk from a station to lessen the commute (as opposed to driving, parking, then train). Being near the station, we are also near the town centre and there is a cycle lane behind the house. I can go weeks without getting the car out

I agree. The vitriol spat at generic non drivers (men and women) on MN is sometimes shocking. Being accused of failing at ‘adulting’ being a favourite put down. I did get my licence but it was over a torturous number of years, instructors and tests and it didn’t stop after. I had to give up in the end as I felt very strongly I was a menance on the road. Drivers expect everyone to be able to do it or they’re a failure. Do surgeons expect everyone to be up to training to be a surgeon, do pilots expect the same, do stunt men and women expect the same or mountain climbers? For some driving is every bit as challenging or out of reach as those things.

As a fellow Dyspraxic who is now 40 I can relate to this. I started lessons in my early 20s and did them on and off for a few years, taking my test when I was 8 months pregnant and failing. I hated driving, it made me incredibly anxious and just wasn’t for me. I have had guilt over the years that my husband has had to do all the driving, especially on long trips and holidays, but we’ve planned with that in mind. My children are now teens and life would have definitely been easier when they were younger if I could drive them around, but honestly we’ve got on fine walking and on public transport and walking the school run can definitely be easier! I can do weekly shops online and I contribute to our family in other ways.

We both work full time and I commute to our local city by tram where as my husband works further away so drives there, realistically even if I could drive we probably would want to get a second car, so I’d be driving very little.

I very much doubt I will ever learn to drive now and I’m okay with that. I guess I’m lucky that I’ve not really experienced much sneering due to being a non driver, living near a city it’s not that uncommon for friends and colleagues who can drive not to have a car.

If it’s something you want to do (not out of guilt) then maybe try an intensive course rather than weekly lessons, but it sounds to me like you would be better using the money for what you suggested.

Use the money to buy an automatic car ,and get your husband to give you driving lessons,to save the expense of an instructor
I only drive automatic
I am autistic and it took me three attempts to pass in a manual,but I had no confidence
Once I moved to automatic I was away ,we now have an electric car ,so also automatic..it's wonderful saving me £100 a month in fuel

Thinking back, my sister was never able to ride a bike either. I think the things might be linked. Did you ever use a cycle @DuchessofSuffolk?

Is it your inheritance, or is it your children's inheritance? The title says it's yours, but the detail says it's theirs.

Just asking as I'm not sure if you can access it to spend on discretionary things for yourself if it is theirs - doesn't it go into a trust or into accounts in their name?

Yes but why ask how many tests she’s taken ?
She’s said 4.
Why suggest automatic? She’s already said she’s tried automatic.

I have dyspraxia and anxiety and I can drive. I still get nervous and I won't do long journeys or drive in city centres but I'm so glad I can do it and I've never hurt anyone else or myself. It's given me so much freedom and it's been a huge help in my career also.

I think with you, you should try again and your DH is a big factor in that. He sounds kind of useless and not the kind of man you would want to be dependent on. What if you split up? And then no one in your household would be able to drive. Depending on where you live that could be incredibly limiting.

One thing to keep in mind is that modern cars are easier to drive than ever with so many bells and whistles to help the driver like reversing cameras, lane keep assist, automatic, etc etc. It's not like it used to be for sure.

You can get the food shopping delivered?

You should try a Disability Driving Instructor:
www.disabilitydrivinginstructors.com/find-an-instructor/

Apologies but I'm not sure what your point is.

I'd second the suggestion to learn in an automatic - I didn't, but I had a gap of not driving for ten years or so (central London) and when I bought a car again I got an automatic. Also coincided with the satnavs being available 😄
Tons easier, I'd never go back.
If you can sort childcare (the useless sounding DH?) why not investigate doing an intensive driving course?

Obviously think about learn a way that works for you. I'm debt adverse but went into my overdraft to have 2 lessons a week, 1 was a waste of money. 4 would have been even better.
Contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce and your husband shows contempt to you so you might want to either use the rest on relationship counselling or save it for legal fees. Don't put it into joint investments else it becomes part of the marital pot.

I’d suggest learning in an automatic, honestly so much easier and less stressful x

Driving is a life skill but if you are anxious and have failed 4 times it is probably not safe for you to drive. Why don't you use the money to take taxis instead?

Hi all,

Thank you all for being so kind, not entirely sure how to tag people in posts so will
just answer general comments. Part of me does want to learn, like I want to be able to drive, but I don’t want to do the hard bit - the learning haha. I understand I won’t get anywhere without doing the hard bit first tho.

firstly, someone questioned if the inheritance is mine. It is. I’m not sure how my post implies it’s my daughters. My Nan passed away and left money to the grandchildren in the will. There is no mention of great grandchildren in the will.

If I did, I think an intensive in an automatic would be my best bet. A bit like ripping off a plaster; get it over with, and it would probably be a long time before I went anywhere I didn’t know well.

i know we can get food shopping delivered and we do. He gets annoyed with all the substitutes tho. First world problems. I don’t really know why he doesn’t do as much as me. It’s like he doesn’t notice it needs doing. If I left I think he would be shocked at how much actually needs doing. I’m very much aware if I was on my own I would struggle. I want to give my baby the best.

I could have some lessons in the family car. It’s automatic, but quite big. I have told my husband if I was to have lessons we would need to start off in quiet places. I am actually more comfortable driving down winding country roads than around the towns.

lastly, I don’t think I have an issue (dyspraxia) I know I do, I have been formally diagnosed. Whether I can ride a bike is debateable. I can get to a to b and I think I do an okay job. Spectators may not agree.

Hey! I’m 36, I have combined autism and adhd and have struggled all my life with sequential movements and general depth perception etc as I’m sure you’ll be able to empathise with! I was really scared of driving and had some not nice instructors who were unkind of me not being able to fathom clutch control and struggling with the amount of multitasking that needed to be done. I was really anxious and felt like I was never going to get it, or if I did manage to pass the test I’d end up being a danger and killing everyone 🙈 kind instructor pointed out that most people have that feeling at some point and it’s imposter syndrome that I struggle with anyway! I have started now learning in an automatic with a really kind and patient instructor and whilst it’s taking me time, I had a really good drive last week whereby I felt nervous at times but managed to drive for two hours and reverse park. I don’t mind that it’s taking me longer, I think I’ve had about 26 lessons so far and will need more but I’m definitely feeling like I might be able to do it now and I am feeling more confident, and most importantly I am feeling like a safe driver.

I do think the instructor makes the difference and the way they teach, thankfully mine has a good understanding of neurodivergence and is wonderfully kind and patient when I need to do things 5 million times in order to learn it, he also offers different approaches if something just isn’t sticking in my brain and we have a laugh about it. I have a teen daughter and I’ve never needed the car until now, but I do look back and wish I had tried to carry on and learn sooner, it’s made it difficult over the years not being able to take her places by myself or have arduous journeys on public transport. I feel like she’s not exactly missed out, but I do wish I had that freedom. Plus If something happens ie sickness then I have to rely on hubs leaving work to collect and take to GP etc as high school is miles away, lo also wants to visit friends in other villages and I want to see friends but I have to rely on others to collect/drop off, so if you think you might be able to do it I’d definitely give it a go. That said though, only you know how you feel and what you’re capable of, so if you decide it’s not for you don’t feel like you’re being unreasonable-it would be worse to get through the tests and be on the road and not be a confident/safe driver, but also remember you’re capable of more than you probably realise, and it’s amazing how badly nerves effect us. Good luck with whatever you decide :) x

Have a big think about what YOU want to do. If you don't want to drive, hate doing it and are frightened, then stop. Life is too short to fill it with things that scare you. Even if you managed to pass your test would you want to drive alone? If not, then don't. Spend your inheritance on what brings you joy. Something that reminds you of your relatives whenever you look at it would be good. Or a holiday to remember fondly. Not something that makes you quake with fear. To listen to people talking of the future, self-driving cars will be here soon, then you won't need to do your own driving anyway!

Have you tried for your anxiety around driving? eg
CBT
beta blockers
hypno therapy

I would definitely keep trying ( on auto) and practice in your own car if you can to build up muscle memory

I have had really bad driving anxiety after accidents and the only thing that has helped is actually driving. Once you pass Start off in familiar places and then build up x

Learn to drive, definitely. Go for automatic if you want, just learn to drive, it will give you so much independence.

It's a great idea. I'm also Dyspraxic and failed 4 tests over an extended period of time. I eventually passed and love driving now. I learned, passed and drive a manual.
Find an instructor who's good with nervous students. Explain your issues from the start.
The last time I tried I took all pressure off by having no time limits. It would take as long as it took. Same with the test. I treated it like a practice. If I failed I'd just do it again.
Give it another go. You won't know yourself when you pass!

Consider paying for a course of CBT therapy (to talk about travel anxiety) to have alongside the driving lessons. It can be a really helpful tool.

The op doesn’t need her husband to drive her to the shop?